Madonna: Childcare issues

Ah, remember how outraged Madonna's people were when Jon Bon Jovi suggested that she might be using her kids as some sort of props for her career?

This may or may not be worth remembering now that Madonna's getting Lourdes to dress up as Madonna-when-she-was-good for her new video.

Boy George: Keeping mum, keeping Mum happy

The puzzling decision of Boy George to not offer the obviously plausible explanation for what the escort was doing chained to his wall has been explained by his brother, David. I say "explained":

His brother David said the troubled star told him: “I know the likelihood is I’m going to prison, but I couldn’t do it for mum’s sake. She’s dying.

“The only reason I didn’t give evidence was for her. She’s been through too much in her life already.”

While that's touching-shading-into-heartbreaking, it doesn't actually make any sense, does it? It implies that George could have cleared up the whole silly business, but the explanation would have been more upsetting to his mother than the idea that her son is a vindictive idiot with anger issues who chains male escorts to his walls and who is going to prison as a result. It's hard to imagine a proof of innocence that could look worse than that, surely?

Good lord, I hope this is a misquote

Because if it isn't, Amy Winehouse really believes women are little more than wombs with shoes:

"I know I'm talented but I wasn't put here to sing. I was put here to be a wife and a mum and to look after my family.

"I love what I do but it's not where it begins and ends."

So it's not just her hairdo that comes from the 1950s, then?

Mother, you're fired

We don't know what Usher is planning to get his mum for the American Mother's Day this coming Sunday, but he's probably going to need to supersize it: he's just fired her. She had been his manager as well as his mom, but now Usher wants to build a wall, he says, between work and private life:

"She and I are on great terms and support each other in our life's endeavors. We are both very happy but are now working in different areas of the business," he said in a statement to The Associated Press. "This is great for me because it means I now get to have my mother strictly as my mother with no added pressure."

"At this time in my life, I am simply more interested in building the strength of my family. And in order to do that, I feel it's best to separate my business life from my personal life."

Let's hope Mrs. Usher doesn't decide to simplify her personal life by sacking her son in response.

Kerry Katona discover that's how mum is shopping at Waitrose

Surely, although the People says Kerry Katona is "ashamed" that her mum has been caught claiming benefits while failing to declare the earnings she made selling stories to the papers, there must be part of her that's having the last laugh. After all, Susan Katona had made the cash telling the papers that Kerry was a lousy drug addict and a worse mother. But then Kerry has to have forgiven her, because that makes her revenge so much sweeter now the boot is on the other foot. Especially as Mummy blames the new Mr. Kerry, Mark thingymajiggy, for bubbling her to the social:

"In spite of everything she has done to me, I get no pleasure from the mess my mother has got herself into.

"She has made a lot of money by saying nasty things about me to newspapers.

"And although I can never forgive the pain she has caused me, she's still my mum. For her to blame Mark is nothing more than I would expect.

"The fact is an awful lot of people are aware of all the money I have given her as well as the money she has made from the media at my expense.

"People know what money I have given her."

I'm not sure, but I think Kerry may have given her Mum a few bob over the years, too.

What a charming little family they are. You can see why Iceland is so keen to keep Kerry on its books, can't you?

A bad day for Keith Allen's daughter's brother's mother

While Lily Allen wasn't turning up for her NME 'worst dressed' prize - ironically, she was in Paris at a fashion shoot - yesterday was still a bit of a bad day, what with her mother having her brother arrested and everything.

The brother, of course, is Alfie, as in that song what Lily Allen does about him.

As ever, Lily knows what to do at the time of a family crisis - ring the tabloids:

Lily told The Sun last night from Paris: “I love my family and I wish I had been there to help calm this situation down.

“I have spoken to my mum and Alfie and everything is fine now.”

Yes, we're sure they were reassured by your taking charge of the press coverage.