Shaggy withdraws from the chart battle

Have you wondered why Shaggy isn't in the charts any more?

Apart from it not being 2002.

It turns out he's just not interested in selling lots of records any more. It's not that he got less popular, it's just that, you know, the charts are no longer as good as he is:

''I make the music I want to make, it's a different game out there now. The type of music that's going out in the charts isn't the type of music I want to make.

''A lot of the stuff that many people are putting out, I really don't think will be classics. They're hot now, but I'm not sure it'll last.

''I like making really classic songs, I don't worry about chart positions and all of that, that's not where my head is. Everybody likes hit records, but there's no point worrying.''

That's clear, then: he's not trying to sell lots of records, because if he did it would mean that his records would be popular now and forgotten later. So, erm, he's just leaping ahead to the 'forgotten' bit.

English women now Shaggy enough

We might be a nation cowed by having to choose between the Grantham Grocer and the Stoke soak for our icon, we might be the home of Scooch, but at least there's good news from one corner. Shaggy has deemed English women fit to date:

“English women are starting to look better now.

“Back in the day I had a couple of restrictions here and there. You know they weren't great.

“But I think they're evolving over time.”

Yeah, we hear they've even got prehensile thumbs in the West Midlands now. Still, the rest of the world's women can take comfort, as Shaggy thinks they've all done very well:

"Women in general are getting better looking because you can now buy your looks.

“You can go out and buy a boob here, buy a boob there, get liposuction."

We're not quite sure why Shaggy dreams of a woman with four breasts; but if that's the way he thinks about them it's probable he's never seen one naked so maybe he doesn't know what number to expect.

A spokesperson for all the English women welcomed Shaggy's generous comments, but declined the offer: "It's great that Shaggy thinks we now come up to his standards. Unfortunately, since he still is as greasy as the mechanic who fixes the deep fat fryers in the local chipshop, we'll pass, thank you."

A spokesperson for Women In General added: "Shaggy's suggestions that we have taken a great leap forward in being able to mutilate ourselves in order to live up to his expectations have been noted. In the same spirit, we shall be forwarding on a number of emails we've received this morning which offer help to gentlemen with erectile disfunction."

U2 charity ego-wank pulled

That big Aids gig featuring U2, um, Macy Gray and... oh, Shaggy has been axed because "the proposed producers could not come to a satisfactory agreement with the [Nelson Mandela Foundation]." Dammit, Mandela never caused all these problems when they did the Free Nelson Mandela gigs, did he? Seriously, we don't know what the problems were, but we're guessing that it may have come down to problems with the arrangements to ensure Bono's massive sense of self-satisfaction was properly shaded from the cruel sun of South Africa.