Monday, May 14, 2007

English women now Shaggy enough

We might be a nation cowed by having to choose between the Grantham Grocer and the Stoke soak for our icon, we might be the home of Scooch, but at least there's good news from one corner. Shaggy has deemed English women fit to date:

“English women are starting to look better now.

“Back in the day I had a couple of restrictions here and there. You know they weren't great.

“But I think they're evolving over time.”

Yeah, we hear they've even got prehensile thumbs in the West Midlands now. Still, the rest of the world's women can take comfort, as Shaggy thinks they've all done very well:
"Women in general are getting better looking because you can now buy your looks.

“You can go out and buy a boob here, buy a boob there, get liposuction."

We're not quite sure why Shaggy dreams of a woman with four breasts; but if that's the way he thinks about them it's probable he's never seen one naked so maybe he doesn't know what number to expect.

A spokesperson for all the English women welcomed Shaggy's generous comments, but declined the offer: "It's great that Shaggy thinks we now come up to his standards. Unfortunately, since he still is as greasy as the mechanic who fixes the deep fat fryers in the local chipshop, we'll pass, thank you."

A spokesperson for Women In General added: "Shaggy's suggestions that we have taken a great leap forward in being able to mutilate ourselves in order to live up to his expectations have been noted. In the same spirit, we shall be forwarding on a number of emails we've received this morning which offer help to gentlemen with erectile disfunction."


3 comments:

Thom Cuell said...

What's this about his 'restrictions'?

Placing an embargo on an entire nation is a bit much isn't it? Maybe slightly less successful artistes could have started 'raggae sans frontiers' to attend to British women's popsinger-based needs...

James said...

Am I suffering false-memory syndrome, or does Shaggy famously have less than the standard number of testicles? I'm not sure whether this has any bearing on his latest announcement.

Anyhow, I'm sure British women are delighted by this news. As a gesture of goodwill, I would like to publically declare that I am now happy to buy toe-curling Nick-Jr-friendly reggae records.

simon h b said...

Thom:

Presumably he introduced restrictions during the foot and mouth crisis, or perhaps added 'British women' to bull semen, hoofs and tallow as restricted items during the height of the BSE years.

James:

Smiley Culture is heading over to your house with a large box and a credit card machine.

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