Akon will power Africa

It's been a while since we've heard from Akon, who once cut a swathe through this blog, upsetting Buddhists, not quite landing a show on Capital Radio, not quite doing a duet with Michael Jackson and throwing people off stage. Oh, and dry-humping a teenage girl on stage and then blaming the parents for letting her go out dressed like that.

However, he's back to delight us again, and this time he's bringing solar energy to Africa. Good Magazine reports:

[T]he singer announced that he would be launching a Solar Academy in Bamako, Mali. The Academy will train local African engineers and entrepreneurs in order to teach them how to produce solar power. The initiative, called “Akon Lighting Africa,” aims to bring solar power to over 600 million Africans.

Lighting Africa noted that solar power electricity and micro-grids are already “really taking off in rural Africa.” The continent, their statement argues, has over 120 days of sun a year, making it that much easier to harness solar power. Akon’s goals are two-fold: both to provide clean alternative energy and great, meaningful jobs. The Academy will help empower people all across educational levels to build the electricity that’s going to light their homes."

It's a good thing to do, of course.

But 'Akon Lighting Africa' is a little at odds with the stated aims - if this is about empowering local people (both literally and figuratively) why does the branding laud Akon?

Still, good luck, Akon. Let's hope its more successful than his last high-profile business venture, Fantrace. That social networking site sank without fans. Or, indeed, trace.

AkOnLine

Remember the heady days in the past when we could barely get through a week without Akon dry-humping children on stage, or throwing children off stage, or upsetting Sri Lanka.

He's been quiet for a while, though.

Okay, we've been ignoring him for a while.

In fact - along with most of the world - we'd missed him attempting to launch a social networking site. It was going to be called Fantrace, and it was going to allow "fans" to interact with "celebrities".

Oddly, perhaps because that's what all social networks (apart from BliberdergFacebook) already do, it never took off.

He is still getting messages from the service, though - mainly angry demands for thousands of pounds from the people who built the site.

Oh, Akon. We've missed you.

Akon upsets some more people

Accident-prone Akon - the Frank Spencer of mid-market sludge & B - has now managed to upset an entire religion. And a nation.

Sri Lanka is bloody angry with him:

Sri Lanka has refused to issue a visa to Akon, the Senegalese-American singer and rapper who is due to perform there next month, after Buddhist activists took offence at one of his music videos.

They said that the video for Akon’s song Sexy Bitch, which features bikini-clad women dancing in front of a statue of the Buddha in Ibiza, had offended members of the Sinhalese ethnic majority, which is mainly Buddhist.

On Monday, hundreds of protesters stormed the head offices of the Maharaja Broadcasting and Television Network, the concert’s media sponsor, injuring four employees, smashing windows and damaging parked cars.

There is, of course, an "I hate Akon" Facebook group - although given there's an "I hate" everything Facebook, that's not really significant.

Akon - who is skilled at issuing apologies - flicked through the file past papers headed 'I had no idea she was underage', 'Who knew there were those vouchers there' and 'God, are you telling me it was actually loaded?' to come up with the one marked 'Religion (general enragement of)':

“I was not aware that the statue was even on the set of the video until now. I would never set out to offend or desecrate anyone’s religion or religious beliefs,” Akon said in a statement. “I myself am a spiritual man, so I can understand why they are offended, but violence is never the answer and I am disheartened."

Yes, Akon, trying to placate the Buddhists by claiming that you never spotted there was a massive Buddha in the background while simultaneously claiming yourself to be spiritual. Why wouldn't that work?

To be fair to Akon, The Times' Jeremy Page suggests that this story might be more about an accident-prone children's entertainer:

The decision to bar Akon also raises concerns about the independence of the media in Sri Lanka. Maharaja [the network who played the video which caused the trouble] is one of the few large media organisations backing the Opposition before parliamentary elections on April 8.

Akon might just be an pawn in a greater game that he has no understanding of. Again.

Akon flees the capital

Did you realise dry-humping accident magnet Akon was working for Capital Radio? No, I didn't either. I'd somehow missed his glorious arrival:

The multiplatinum-selling and Grammy nominated singer joined Capital earlier this month, with the station's group programme director, Paul Jackson, promising "London is going to love him!".

And now it's too late, after turning in just 120 minutes' work, he's quit. Apparently there was a scheduling conflict:

"Due to Akon's commitments, including working on a brand new album, we won't be broadcasting a regular show on 95.8 Capital FM for the time being," added the spokesman. "Our conversations about future shows are ongoing as we explore other opportunities that may work for both of us."

"Oh... hang on a moment, I've just remembered I got some other stuff to do on Sundays... that's when I rinse out my socks and make a packed lunch to take to work. Sheesh, sorry, guys. And I'd somehow completely forgotten all my other commitments when I signed up. I guess I ought to buy a diary or something."

Yes, that's plausible. Nothing at all odd about that. No.

Akon attempts to reposition himself as the first choice when Kanye West is unavailable.

Taking a break from throwing people off stages, dry-humping children and giving kids vouchers for sex toys, Akon has decided to exercise his social conscience:

R&B star Akon has launched a song to commemorate the victims of the slave trade, past and present.

He debuted "Blood Into Gold" at the United Nations, New York, on Wednesday - the International Day of Remembrance of the Victims of Slavery.

He is, of course, on a mission:

"I will do my part to spread the word - a lot of my US friends are not aware of the history [of slavery]," he said.

Really?

"[Slavery] is a big situation for us - the younger generation."

But you just said that a lot of your friends are not aware of it? Although quite what "a big situation for us" means isn't entirely clear, so perhaps the not being aware of it is the big situation.

It's actually a bit of a shame - clearly, Akon is quite genuine about his desire to connect with history, but just lacks any insight or the ability to process any thoughts on the subject at all:

"It's very important for me because it was the slaves that opened the door for me personally.

"Seeing how far we've come, I'm honoured to be a part of it and I will do my part to spread that word.

"As people, we should stop using each other for money purposes."

Perhaps you should find someone else's words to spread, Akon.

Actually he has, as, wisely, the organisers didn't put him in charge of the song:

On "Blood Into Gold" he collaborates with Emmy-award winning musician Peter Buffett, who was asked by the non-profit organisation, Culture Project, to write a song for the "Breaking the Silence, Beating the Drum" event.

Akon summed up his thoughts succinctly:

“You know, when you reflect on slavery, and you reflect on modern day, just how we are living together, this could have never happened, years, you know how we remember it. And just to be moving in a forward light in the future to see Mr. Obama becoming the president, and how far we even took to become a unit as people to make a decision of that, you know, magnitude, it’s just incredible.”

That was the best quote that the UN could find for their press release. At the same event was Niles Rodgers:

“I grew up and I didn’t really have a voice, my mother didn’t have a voice, I didn’t have a voice, and today I walk into the General Assembly. I am standing on stage with people who just to me are amazing and I realize that the power of music and the power of art and the power of dance, gives me the ability to communicate a message that is bigger than I could have ever imagined.”

At the same event was Gilberto Gil:

“One of the obligations of the human race is to constantly struggle for harmony, you know, understanding, balance, peace, and so many, many, many words that we can use to define this necessity, this perennial necessity of being together, living together, taking care together of our planet.”

How was it that Akon ended up being pushed in front of the microphone?

Akon regrets the stalled Jackson duet

It seemed a great plan, bringing together Michael Jackson and Akon, uniting two of music's most notable bad-story magnets. And yet the plans have crumbled to dust. Why?

Some suggest that it could be down to the Jackson team's inability to see any project whatsoever past the initial press release stage. Others, that Jackson's court problems with that Sheik had scuppered everything. Nobody, though, seems to think that the disappearance of the scheme could be down to Akon.


Apart from Akon, of course. He killed the track:

He tells British newspaper The Daily Star, "Musically we were on the same level and we wanted it to be special. We wanted it so that when people got my album, it was something that was never heard. But the leak stopped those plans. We will be doing more things together in the future, though."

Well, yes, there'd be every chance that a Jackson-Akon duet might be a track on an album that would never be heard; it is a prospect that was probably on the designer's mind when they came up with the 'skip entire track' function. But Akon seems to be hinting that he didn't bother to put the song on the record because it had been leaked online, doesn't he?

That kind of makes sense - if you're really hoping that the 'features Michael Jackson' sticker on the jewel case is going to add sales, 'features clunking, woefully mismatched pairing of clapped-out former star and over-rated poor judge of age that you'll have already heard' isn't going to have the same allure, is it?

Supergroup is such an abused term, isn't it?

But never as abused as Nelly's plans:

Nelly reveals that he wants to create a supergroup with Akon, T-Pain, and Pharrell Williams. "Me, Akon, T-Pain and Pharrell are talking about doing a project. We got a host of things we're trying to do - possibly put together this new 2009 [Bell Biv DeVoe] type of thing," he tells MTV.

You wonder how thrilled Pharrell is with the idea of getting to work with Akon (and, presumably, the terrible misunderstanding involving flying young people and accidently dry-humping underage girls that seem to trail in his wake).

It's hard to say if Williams and Akon is more or less likely than, say, George Clooney and Brad Pitt appearing in Geri's movie; perhaps they could all get together to do the theme tune?

[Thanks to Michael M]

Akon: Don't tell us - you didn't do this one, either?

Politicians in the Americas are considering building some sort of safety railings around Akon, given his status as an accident blackspot.

He's learned he's going to wind up in court over the incident in which it's claimed he threw a fifteen year old kid on top of another. He maintains he did no such thing; a defence that might be harder to argue given that he then went out and got himself taped throwing teenage girls offstage in Guyana.

Akon goes to the pictures

To be honest, when I first read the headline

Akon Stunned After Michael Jackson Takes Him To Cinema In Pyjamas

I expected the report to end with the words "when he came round, it was after midnight and someone had stolen his popcorn..." but instead, it turns out that it's just a report on going to the cinema with Jackson:

"He actually took me to the movies with him, that was an experience,” Akon said.

“I was like, 'Are you going out like that?' He was in his pyjamas and I was waiting to see if he was going to change. He grabs a scarf and puts it around his head.

“Then, he grabs the kids and puts a scarf around their heads. So I grab a scarf and put it around my head, and off we go."

It's not entirely clear why Akon put a scarf round his own head - it reminds me of that anecdote about the blok going for tea with the queen and following her steps of pouring milk into a saucer and breaking biscuits into it, only to discover she was preparing hers for the corgis.

It's also not clear if Akon was wearing his pyjamas, either.

What's funny is that Akon still feels that it's great to be working with someone who wanders the streets in his pjs, and hasn't carried through the working 'goes out in nightwear - might have lost all sense of judgement - judges me to be the perfect person to work with'.

Bringing up young talent

Akon is thrilled to have worked with Michael Jackson:

"You know how you come into a career and set your goals as to where you wanna start and where you wanna end? I had a wish list of all the collaborations I ever wanted to do. Mike was at the top. I was saying, 'Well, if ever I get to Mike, then that'll be the sign I can retire.' But I got to Mike 10 years earlier than I expected. So I decided not to make retirement goals anymore.

"I think at the end of the day, it was one of those situations that caught me off guard," he added. "I didn't realize I was working so hard to actually capture his attention. That really showed me. That's the day I realized I made it."

We're sure that Jackson can see a lot of himself in Akon - after all, it's not so very far from giving kids vouchers for free sex toys to sharing Jesus Juice with young friends, and the whole dry-humping underage girls was just the same sort of 'all in everyone else's dirty minds' misunderstanding that could happen if you hang out with other people's kids in your pyjamas, huh?

We love that he calls him Mike, though. I guess there's no humiliation Jackson won't undertake in a bid to try and scrape some credibility back together. I bet Will I Am calls him MickeyJ.

Goodness! We left the new Whitney Houston single on the windowsill to cool and someone stole it

Let's get this straight from the start: Whitney's new song, a duet with Akon has leaked online, and not been officially snuck on in a bid to get everyone to say something about Houston other than "... and I heard she did so much crack at one point she had to have a wheelbarrow just to clear the empty pipes away..."

Akon: Not quite as bad as he's painted

Akon. It's not all dry-humping underage kids, you know. This email from James Page came before I fell ill - so apologies for not bringing it you sooner:

In the past, I've highlighted stories in which the popular artist Akon has been found getting up to no good. So, to redress the balance, I thought you'd like to see a story in which Akon doesn't break the law.

Before he became a minor-bothering 'R&B' star, Akon had numerous runs-in with the law. He spent several years in prison for all sorts of rugged manly crimes (running a car-theft operation, stealing high-performance vehicles, basically things a little stronger than refusing to pay his council tax in protest at a proposed sewage farm). He even chose a name which reflected this criminal past, wrote tracks about his time inside and peppered them with the sound of prison-cell doors closing. Basically, Akon was a proper hardcore baddie.

However! Those pesky meddling kids at the Smoking Gun have done some nosing around, and have found out that Akon's not actually that naughty after all. His 'long stretch for his role as the "ringleader of a notorious car theft operation"' turned out to be a few months inside for possession of a stolen BMW, after which all charges were dropped. His well-publicised criminal past, it appears, is largely fanciful. Quite what he's basing his name and lyrics on is anyone's guess.

Alright, so it's not quite as funny as the time Noel and Liam claimed they'd spent their youth stealing car stereos, only for their mum to pop up and say "No they didn't, they were well-behaved boys who went to church", but it's a start...

A meeting of minds

Akon: best known for dry-humping a child onstage before then giving kids vouchers to use in their local sex shop.

Michael Jackson: arguably, best known for having other people's kids over for sleepovers.

No wonder Akon thinks they should be working together.

Gordon in the morning: Kylie to the rescue

Who can save Britney Spears now? Gordon Smart thinks he knows:

Kylie says she'll help Britney

Really? Is she going to offer a bolthole for her? Is she going to fly over and sort out her head?

Um... not quite:

Kylie said: “I wish someone would write a manual about fame because it’s not easy. I’m always loath to say that because there are a lot more difficulties out there that people deal with every day - but when fame is handed to you, it is unique.

“It’s not to the same extreme, but I can remember having a mini-meltdown myself - and unless you’ve got good people around to support you, you’ve got a problem.

“Who knows what is going on in her life? Britney isn’t that young any more. I think she will still come back but it’s like she’s taken an extended holiday.

“Whatever help she needs, she should reach out and get it.”

Aha - it's Kylie helping by saying "ooh, there's no guide book for the famous and, you know, Britney probably should ask someone for some sort of help."

Still, it's one of those mornings where Gordon does have a good point about something. No, really. Running a piece about the retooling of Leona Lewis' album for the US release - she's adding a track recorded with accident prone child-threat Akon - he quotes an "industry insider":

“Leona could be a massive hit in America but the album needs this cutting-edge revamp.”

Which prompts Gordon to ponder:

I reckon it’s a bit cheeky. Why should the Yanks get two extra songs when Brits voted for her to win X Factor?

Yes. He's got a point - there is an implication that the British will take any old shit, but you've got to actually make an interesting record for the US. Mind you, it is a duet with Akon, so it's not exactly going to be a brilliant track, is it?

Michael Jackson's comeback: remember why he went away?

Michael Jackson has something of a problem. Since all he's done in the last, ooh, twenty years is get accused of being too close to young boys, promise benefit records that never materialise, gone to court more times than Virgina Wade and run out of cash, he needs to re-establish himself in the world's hearts.

He's decided the best way to do this - not to mention the laziest way - is to rework a track from back when the world used to treat him with respect. Rather than as the punchline to a "nose falling off" gag.

So he's reworked a song from Thriller. Unfortunately, he's chosen to rerecord The Girl Is Mine, the clunkiest, biggest stinker on that album. Yes, The Girl Is Mine. Only with Will.I.Am in the Paul McCartney role.

This is going to be followed by a whole album, comprising of remixes of Thriller. Remixed by the likes of Akon - a young man following the footsteps of Jackson, of course. With the embarrassing sexual misunderstandings involving children.

So, Jackson is taking his one, unquestioned achievement, and having it mucked about with. Nothing says "I have ceased to mean anything" than needing a Kanye West remix to even get a slot in the racks at FYE.

Akon to have his day in court

Knowing Akon's habit of spinning a disaster out of the simplest tasks, the news he's going to have to appear in court over charges relating to throwing a teenager at a girl is probably simply the start in a chain reaction which will see a judge lose his trousers.

Akon denies there was "no basis" for criminal charges simply because he tossed a boy off stage into the audience and gave one of his fans a concussion.

Celine Dion wins the world

The World Music Awards - older readers will remember these as an easy way for ITV to fill some of the deader night-time hours in the mid-1990s; laying claim to the "world" of the title solely by virtue of being held in a place that record company bosses fancied a tax-deductible trip to.

They're still going, you know. This year, they were in Monaco (lovely at this time of year, we understand), and they gave Celine Dion an award for "an outstanding contribution to music". And it's well deserved. She's not released an album for over 18 months, and the world of music really has been a better place for it.

Even more unlikely, Mika won five awards: new artist, male entertainer, pop/rock male artist and U.K. artist. These are, of course, awards handed out by the IFPI based on sales, so in a way you can't argue with them. But even so, let's argue with them: Mika? Are you serious?

Avril Lavigne - who, yes, we still feel has been eclipsed by the march of time - picked up bestselling pop/rock female artist and bestselling artist for the region of Canada.

Completing the comedy line-up, Akon took three prizes, although nothing for getting caught up in hilarious coincidences. Best male R&B artist, internet artist and artist from Africa were his prizes.

It says a lot about the IFPI worldview that "Canada" and "Africa" are both considered equal regions.

The other winners included:
* Pop Female – Rihanna
* Entertainer of the year – Rihanna
* Regional Award, U.S. – Justin Timberlake
* Regional Award, Australia – Silverchair
* Regional Award, China – Jay Chou
* Regional Award, Ireland – U2
* Regional Award, Middle East – Amr Diab
* Regional Award, Spain – Miguel Bose.
* Legend - Patti LaBelle

Akon continues slide into sitcom

Those of us who were convinced that Akon's disaster-strewn career was all part of a subtle campaign to pitch him as a Terry Scott for a new generation will be unsurprised to hear that he's now been involved in a collapsing tent incident. It's not thought he was actually carrying a tray full of refreshing drinks at the time.

(The canopy actually fell while the stage for his Atlanta Gig was being set up; a couple of people were injured but, we believe, nobody was seriously hurt. The gig, however, has been axed.)

Akon: sorry not the hardest word, just confusing

Akon, the man who dry humps underage girls, has got a bit of a problem understanding the concept of "I'm sorry." He's written a song to "apologise to Gwen Stefani" for costing her thousands of dollars in tour sponsorship. He's called it 'Sorry, Blame It One Me'.

Only, in the lyrics, rather than accepting the blame, Akon doesn't:

"I'm sorry for the hand that she was dealt
And for the embarrassment that she felt
She's just a little young girl trying to have fun
But daddy should of never let her out that young"

So, in the song "blame it on me" he blames fate and her dad. Rather than himself. And seems to think the problem is that the underage girl he simulated sex with was "embarrassed" rather than the whole him looking a little bit Gary Glitter.

The worst aspect of this affair is that by turning it into a song, we're all now going to have to suffer. And Akon is no Union Gap.

Akon goes on

Akon, who of course, can't be held responsible for dry-humping an underage girl on stage, got into more trouble at the weekend when his "after-show partying" ran on until 6.30 in the morning. The Metropolitan Police were called - apparently by other guests at London's K-West hotel.

Obviously, Akon isn't contrite:

"All my parties are wild."

Presumably, it's the fault of the hotel for allowing it to happen, or the clocks for being pointing at first thing in the morning.