Akon. It's not all dry-humping underage kids, you know. This email from James Page came before I fell ill - so apologies for not bringing it you sooner:
Before he became a minor-bothering 'R&B' star, Akon had numerous runs-in with the law. He spent several years in prison for all sorts of rugged manly crimes (running a car-theft operation, stealing high-performance vehicles, basically things a little stronger than refusing to pay his council tax in protest at a proposed sewage farm). He even chose a name which reflected this criminal past, wrote tracks about his time inside and peppered them with the sound of prison-cell doors closing. Basically, Akon was a proper hardcore baddie.
However! Those pesky meddling kids at the Smoking Gun have done some nosing around, and have found out that Akon's not actually that naughty after all. His 'long stretch for his role as the "ringleader of a notorious car theft operation"' turned out to be a few months inside for possession of a stolen BMW, after which all charges were dropped. His well-publicised criminal past, it appears, is largely fanciful. Quite what he's basing his name and lyrics on is anyone's guess.
Alright, so it's not quite as funny as the time Noel and Liam claimed they'd spent their youth stealing car stereos, only for their mum to pop up and say "No they didn't, they were well-behaved boys who went to church", but it's a start...