Gordon in the morning: Standards and non-slipping dresses

With Dita Von Teese doing Playboy and Duffy's dress, Gordon doesn't know where to look this morning.

It's Duffy's dress which gets him panting most heavily, though:

Duffy nearly in the buffy

which would be a brilliant headline on a story about her getting drunk with Sarah Michelle Gellar and the pair hitting on each other, but rubbish on this one. As Gordon himself admits, this wasn't even a slipping dress - what looked like a bra peeking out was part of the outfit:

When I saw these pictures I thought she was suffering a wardrobe malfunction and her frock had slipped down.

But apparently it’s meant to look like that.

But he ran the photo anyway.

Had the dress actually been sliding down Duffy's body, the tiny bit of what-would-then-have-been-a-bra was so slight it's hard to see even then what would have been noteworthy, unless you're the sort of bloke who freeze-frames Corrie every time Becky chooses a top with straps narrower than her nethergarments.

Now, cast your minds back to when the storm was breaking over Russell Brand's Radio 2 programme and how disgusted Wade and The Sun leader team were:

THE BBC hoped a swift apology with flowers would douse public fury over Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand.

But protests from 10,000 disgusted licence payers show they have misjudged the public mood.

Georgina Baillie, whose fling with Brand was betrayed in his obscene calls to her grandfather, Andrew Sachs, wants him sacked.

We now know this juvenile pair of overpaid twerps aimed even more unforgivable smut at the legendary Fawlty Towers star.

The Sun, then, is clear: tawdry public detailing the sexual conquests of Russell Brand is the sort of thing that is morally wrong, especially when the only reason the woman involved is famous is because of her grandfather.

Oddly, though, it's quite acceptable for Gordon Smart to run a long piece about Russell Brand having sex with Che Guevara's granddaughter, complete with computer-generated images and laddish back-slapping about bedposts and successful charm offensives.

If I was FIDEL CASTRO I’d get the grandkids kitted out with chastity belts pronto.

Thank god Castro never appeared in a sitcom, otherwise that would presumably require The Sun to run an editorial calling for its own management to sort itself out. Clearly, though, it's not juvenile smut to taunt a grandfather about his kids being shagged by Brand if he's left-wing.

Gordon in the morning: IMDB shocker

We're a little puzzled about the excitement over the "discovery" that Dita Von Teese has made some blue movies. Leading off Gordon's column this morning, Brian Flynn gets all panty:

Dita has a secret porn flick past

This is, apparently, an "exclusive", although how exclusive "something listed on IMDB and in her Wikipedia entry" can be is questionable.

BUSTY new Wonderbra model DITA VON TEESE has a secret hardcore porn past, The Sun can reveal.

It's neither secret nor particularly hardcore, to be honest:

In one scene the former wife of goth rocker MARILYN MANSON romps with a leggy beauty with a sex toy. In another she cavorts with two stunners in corsets.

Goodness. You wonder how many times Mr Flynn had to watch this to make sure. Perhaps he was so riveted with the, uh, shock he wasn't able to check with this "secret past" really was as secret he seems to believe.

If you went down the adult book shop, and asked the guy behind the counter for "something hardcore", and got home to discover a DVD with someone "cavorting" with "two stunners in corsets", you might feel a little short-changed, mightn't you?

The Sun tries to suggest that Wonderbra are going to be shocked and upset to discover that VonTeese has these items on her cv and tries to work up some outrage:

Dita’s burlesque show had previously been seen as so high brow she was even interviewed on Radio 4.

But - and let's assume that anyone has ever thought her act highbrow - why would a few films she made years ago suddenly make what she's doing now any less artistically valid? If it turned out Damien Hirst used to be a strippergram when he was 18, it doesn't suddenly change the stuff he's done since, does it?

We've observed before that the Sun - a paper which, effectively, is built on topless girls - has a strange attitude to the women who actually make the sort of material upon which it thrives. Can either Gordon or Brian explain exactly what it is that's supposed to be the problem here? Or are they merely working their way through the early movies of everyone currently working in showbiz?

It's worth noting that while the Bizarre column is having a little fume at Von Teese for having made a film - for adults - on the top left, on the top right Smart is running a picture looking down Kelly Brook's top at her tits. Isn't that sort of thing - in a "family" newspaper - much more sleazy than a adult movie, made for, and watched by, adults?

And - having condemned Von Teese for appearing in movie where she cavorts with women in corsets - right underneath, here's a piece by Gordon, right underneath, with a photo of Abbey Clancy:

HERE’s ABBEY CLANCY cavorting in hot pants and a corset for a new ad campaign for lads’ deodorant.

Boyfriend PETER CROUCH must think he has scored every night going out with such a gorgeous lass.

See more shots of Abbey by clicking on the link below.

So... that's Gordon Smart running hardcore porn, then, is it?

Gordon in the morning: It's only 36 hours after the Oscars

Remember the 2008 Oscars? Gordon Smart's pages this morning take a nostalgic look back at the event this morning. Apparently, the most interesting interesting thing that happened was Russell Brand "pulling" Dita Von Teese. Gordon calls it pulling, anyway - although since Brand's tale involves getting her phone number and, erm, sending her a couple of texts, it's not quite a relationship of From Here To Eternity beachfront proportions.

What is astonishing, though, is the headline for the story:

Brand gets new nookie wook

Well, yes, it's almost a pun on his book title, My Booky Wook, but isn't quite as a pun has to have a second meaning. And there was no "nookie" and wook doesn't mean anything at all in this context. Had Brand bought a cabinet in which to store his Star War figures, Brand gets new Wookie nook might have worked, though.

Tilda Swinton's amusing acceptance speech delighted Gordon, too, although we're not sure it was quite the reaction she'd have hoped for:

OSCAR speech of the night goes to Brit TILDA SWINTON — for slipping in the words “buttocks” and “nipples”.

He's getting all excited and giggly because someone said nipples. Seriously, is he eight years old? And isn't Swinton's suggestion that George Clooney is a secret rubber fetishist more the point anyway?

Gordon in the morning: I like Icke

There's a big showbiz story in the Sun today - the claims that Amy Winehouse is going to be put under 24 hour guard by her family.

That's bylined Virginia Wheeler and Pete Samson.

So what's Pete's supposed boss concentrating on, then?

Gordon's busy with a tale that claims David Icke and Robbie Williams are hanging out together, which is mildly diverting (if true) but since it's just a claim by an unnamed source, it's the sort of thing you'd imagine being palmed off to someone further down the bench.

The "source" observes:

It’s an odd acquaintance, to say the least.

Is it? Both are keen on football; both are awash in an LA which doesn't take them seriously; both believe in aliens and stuff like that a little too much; both are people who were in the public eye who are clearly damaged; and, of course, both have performed on the main stage at Glastonbury. And since they met in a restaurant, both are moving in the same circles.

What is notable, though, is that the words "Bizarre editor" have been dropped again from Gordon's byline.

Elsewhere, a photo of Dita Von Teese and Victoria Beckham stretches Gordon's comedy skills:

CHECKING out VICTORIA BECKHAM and DITA VON TEESE together reminds of looking at a Dulux colour chart in B&Q.

The palest woman in showbiz came face to face with one of the most perma-tanned yesterday at Paris Fashion Week.

Apparently, then, colour charts only have two colours on them.

It not only doesn't work as a joke, it doesn't even really work as an observation, either: Beckham, although admittedly perma-tanned, has it done expensively and so doesn't have one of the extreme colours like, say, Judith Chalmers; Von Teese isn't, to be honest, that pale.

But Gordon's not going to let it go:

I have to say, I think Victoria’s Tango glow would work much better in my lounge than Dita’s dazzling white sheen.

They could call it Spiced Orange.

We'd like to think that Gordon painted his living room orange - really, we would - but Beckham isn't orange; and she's certainly not the orange colour of a fizzy drink.

Gordon in the morning: Led Zep special

It was Gordon Smart, of course...

[UPDATE: As one of our commenters pointed out below, it wasn't Gordon - the biggest showbiz night of the year, and Gordon sent someone else - Pete Sampson, as it turns out.]

, who whipped off the Sun's tickets for LEDgendary Zeppelin (do you see?), revealing that - apparently - the showbiz hangers-on were really angry:

Tracks like Whole Lotta Love and Stairway to Heaven had every one of the fans — who included LIAM GALLAGHER and SIR PAUL McCARTNEY — on their feet and shaking their fists.

Perhaps they weren't angry. Perhaps they were shaking their fists because they'd confused Robert Plant with Gareth Hunt and were doing Nescafe advert shakes? Or maybe Gordon meant they were punching the air.

(Still, isn't it lucky that so many famous people won tickets in the draw, eh?)

The thing is, that despite GordonPete desperate to believe he was at something historical:

[T]heir classics proved music doesn’t rock like it used to

... he clearly isn't a fan:

[T]he bars at the O2 Arena in Greenwich filled during some of the band’s winding rock epics.[...]

After more than an hour the bulk of the fans got what they seemed to want most — a rendition of Stairway To Heaven.

Yes, they've waited decades just to hear one track.

The adulation of 20,000 almost-equally tired fans ringing in their ears, they trooped away into the darkness.

"Almost-equally tired?"

It doesn't really sound like GordonPete felt at home. Perhaps he was just pissed off that he was watching this room full of "middle aged and male" men while, across town, one of his Bizarre deputies was getting to hang out at the premiere of pointless St Trinians remake, with Girls Aloud.

Here, the headline is:

You Aloud in school like that?

Ah, yes. A pun on Allowed/Aloud. Which, erm, was the whole point of the band's name in the first place.

Still, back at the office, Gordon has seized the key question of the day is Dita Von Teese or Victoria Beckham hotter? There's even a poll padding out the page, too, on which scale we're expecting Gordon to give a column over tomorrow to cutting and pasting his Special Heroes Power he'll be uncovering on Facebook later this afternoon.

How far have you moved, Dita?

Dita Von Teese, for someone who claims to have moved on from Marilyn Manson, seems to be talking about him rather a lot. After yesterday's suggestions in the papers that he was needy, she turned up on Johnny Vaughan's Capital Radio programme, and hinted at something else:

“I need a man willing to put a drink down once in a while.”

Not that she's obsessed with him, or anything. She's moved on.

Manson: could try a nightlight

Dita Von Teese says she's not surprised that Marilyn Manson has tapped off with a teenage girl:

“It’s quite typical of him to get into another relationship quickly - he is the kind of person who needs to be with someone all the time so it doesn’t surprise me.

“I’ve moved on.”

It's fair enough: if you were Marilyn Manson, would you want to be stuck with nobody else for company?

Marilyn Manson on affairs of the heart

Marilyn Manson has got advice for you, and, unless we're very much mistaken, it's a familiar one:

"Stay away from crazy bitches. Crazy women can be dangerous. If you get involved with the wrong person you can be in trouble."

Isn't this, effectively, the message of Cliff Richard's 'beware the Devil Woman'?

Of course, what Manson actually means when he says 'crazy bitches' is 'smart women' - his videos have long been notable for taking a very similar attitude to women that you find in a standard R&B video (take off your clothes and decorate the shot), so it's not surprising that this thinly-veiled attack on Dita Von Teese has a misogynistic tang to it - women who know their own minds are crazy, women who don't do as I wish are bitches. He'll be running for Senate on a Republican ticket by the end of the decade.

Marilyn Manson: I was too immature for Dita

Most of the world has decided that the end of the Marilyn Manson-Dita Von Teese marriage was down to Dita suddenly looking at her husband squeezing himself into PVC before heading off to freak out the straights (or have a chat with his accountant) and saw him as we do.

That's not what Brian thinks, though. He tells Le Parisien newspaper:

"Our relationship ended at Halloween," he tells the paper. "I was completely destroyed psychologically. I'd rented a house and begun working on this disc, which sort of tells everything that happened to me during the past year."

"I was married to someone who wanted me to change," Manson says. "Become more adult, more responsible. I began not to like myself, not like what I do. I lost my identity. Everything began collapsing around me. The record allowed me to put an end to that. Dita left at Christmas while I was recording."

Manson, of course, is an adult; he might wear a clown-like version of Hot Topic wear to earn a living, but he's not a little teenager, much as he'd like to pretend he is.

In fact, now he's dating a teenager, he has actually managed to give his character a genuinely creepy aspect:

"I've found my double, my twin, with my new girlfriend, Evan Rachel Wood.

"She's l9 and certainly that's very young but that's not a problem for me. She likes the same things as me. She understands I like to get up when night falls and go to sleep at dawn."

Good lord, he really does sound like a sad old drone propping up a golf club bar. You half expect him to blurt that "a man is only as old as the woman he feels."