Where is JB from JLS now?

You have to love Jonathan Benjamin Gill out of JLS. He's a huge traditionalist, it turns out, as - like so many pop stars of the 60s and 70s - he's bought a farm. He now pops up in the Daily Telegraph talking about deer farming:

He ‘definitely didn’t want to do music’ after JLS. When I ask why, he falls back on Zen media babble: ‘I value relationships probably more than anything else.’ He is married to the dancer Chloe Tangney. They have a one-year-old son called Ace. Instead he chose farming. His first pig was a rescue animal from the RSPCA called Ginger. (I didn’t know people abused pigs, but apparently they do.) Ginger is ‘cheeky… If she was a musician she would be the biggest diva ever.’ Now he has six breeding sows and two boars, one of which is ‘quite docile’, and some chickens. He sold 160 turkeys at Christmas; they were, he says, ‘brilliant’, with the kind of enthusiasm you do not expect to end with a decapitation.

Who would ever have imagined that being in JLS would make mucking out dozens upon dozens of turkeys seem like an attractive career choice?

Aston Merrygold's jape backfires

Aston Merrygold came up with a jolly jape for April Fools' Day: he made up some phone numbers and tweeted them, claiming they were the private lines of his former JLS bandmates.

I know, what larks.

Trouble is, he didn't think it through, and ended up sharing actual phone numbers of actual people:

The pop star played an April Fools prank by appearing to post the numbers of his former co-stars JB Gill, Oritse Williams and Marvin Humes. The numbers were fake.

But the star was mortified to discover he had accidentally tweeted a genuine number belonging to an innocent victim - who has since been inundated with calls.

It's impossible to imagine how that could get any worse.

Oh, hang on, it does:

[O]ne of the numbers – though apparently chosen at random – was in fact a real number belonging to a cancer patient.

That's pretty bad. Does it get any worse?

Bill Phillips received nearly 5,000 calls and texts, and that his phone was ringing every few seconds for hours. He therefore turned it off in order to get some respite from the relentless stream of calls and messages, however, as he’s self-employed, switching off his phone cost him “thousands.”

Bill told the paper, “I’ve had this number for 21 years and I use it for work. I know of one job it’s cost me.”

Worse than 5,000 calls; it's 5000 calls from JLS fans who haven't got over the split yet.

Aston is mortified and sorry; we know because his agent told the Mirror he was mortified and sorry. He could ring Bill to tell him, but Bill's got his phone switched off at the moment.

Gordon in the morning: Ending JLS

Is it worth paying the money to ease behind Gordon's purple rope, into the payzone, to discover how JLS intend to mark the end of the band?

Drinks and high jinks for JLS farewell

Some sort of party, then? I'm surprised insights like this can be contained behind a wall.

Gordon in the morning: Father of the year

When even Gordon Smart is raising an eyebrow at your awards, you're in trouble:

MARVIN HUMES has only been a dad for five minutes – but he’s still made the shortlist for Celebrity Dad of the Year 2013.

Yes, Marvin Humes' contribution to fatherhood so far has lasted seven days - which means he's made the shortlist for 'not instantly putting the child into a lion enclosure', presumably?

It gets worse for the organisers, as Smart then mocks the names on the shortlist and the event itself:

The JLS singer is up against a number of dads who definitely won’t be going up to accept the nonsense gong if they win a public vote – including footballers WAYNE ROONEY, FRANK LAMPARD, DAVID BECKHAM and GARETH BALE.

Interesting that it's a "nonsense gong" this year, as Gordon was happy enough last year when Gary Barlow won:

GARY BARLOW really is top of the pops – after being named Celebrity Dad Of The Year.

The X Factor judge collected the prize ahead of the birth of his fourth child.

He pipped reigning champ Peter Andre to the title – sponsored by Premier Inn – in a public vote.

The Take That singer said winning the award felt “amazing” and added: “I’ve been waiting for it for a long time.”

Even worked in the sponsor's name. Perhaps they changed the judging criteria in the last twelve months.

Or maybe they forgot to invite someone to the party this year?

Gordon in the morning: How does one become an American star?

As you'll know, JLS have split into a million pieces. And now America is calling.

Gordon reports that Aston is getting ready:

FORMER JLS singer prepares to launch his new career in the United States by...

Learning all the State capitals? Converting pounds into dollars? Investigating taking citizenship?

No, silly. That isn't how you prepare to launch a career in America.

FORMER JLS singer prepares to launch his new career in the United States by eating a super-sized candyfloss

Yes, that's right. Perhaps Homeland Security have introduced a candy-floss eating element to getting a green card?

Or maybe his management are just expecting Merrygold's American career to peak at taking part in eating contests?

I know you'll have been worrying...

"How has Peter Andre out of ITV2's Peter Andre Walks Around A Bit reacted to the news that JLS are splitting?"

That's the question that keeps me awake at night, and I'm sure you've felt it too. Police estimate that seventy-four per cent of road accidents this last week have been caused by drowsy drivers, who had spent the night awake wondering.

Wonder no more, for Andre has broken his silence:

Writing in his new! magazine column, he said: ''I'm sad that JLS have split up, but I can understand why they wanted to go out on a high.

You have a connection with the boys, don't you, Pete?

''I'm good mates with all the lads from JLS and want to wish them the best of luck. Marvin Humes even invited me to his and Rochelle's wedding last year, but I couldn't go. I was gutted!''

That wasn't the one I was thinking of.

Peter added: ''Oritse Williams is now being managed by Claire Powell, who manages me, and I know she's got lots of exciting stuff lined up for him. Being under the same management means we'll probably get to hang out lots, which I'm looking forward to.''

I'm sure you'll be hanging out loads and loads. Although, frankly, Claire's thinking of buying a tumble drier, so it's more likely you'll be putting Ortise's laundry into a machine. But still, exciting times, eh?

JLS: Coming to ITV2 sometime around 2016

JLS have announced their intention to star in the 2016 season of ITV2's The Big Reunion, and are taking the first step by splitting at the end of their current tour.

There's an official statement on their website:

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Which is a fitting way to say goodbye. Or possibly just a sign that a thousand distraught youngsters are hitting the server at the same time.

Happily, Newsbeat copied down the statement:

In a statement on their official website they thanked their fans.

"We wanted to make sure that you heard it from the four of us, that we have decided to bring our time as a band to an end," the statement said.

"Goodbye; The Greatest Hits Tour will be the last time that we will perform together as a 4 and we want to make sure that this tour is the best ever and that we end on a high! We will always remain brothers and friends and we will always be your boys.

We want to look at this final year as a celebration of all that we have achieved together. We hope you can look back and remember all the great moments that you have been responsible for

"Thanks to all of you guys, your support, your dedication and you have changed our lives forever. We wouldn't be where we are today without you."

The phrase "the last time we perform together as a 4" is both grating in its use of the numeral and puzzling - what does that actually mean? There might a bunch of three- and two-member variants of the group? They're going to draft in Matt Cardle to turn themselves into a five?

It can't be musical differences, so perhaps it's just down to puberty.

Gordon in the morning: Twenty years of pain

JLS are looking to the future. Marvin tells Gordon:

We want to be JLS for ever – and as long as we keep making good music and keep busy then there’s no reason we can’t be here in 20 years’ time.

I can't see any real reason for them to be here now, so, equally, there's no reason they shouldn't still be doing it in 2032.

I love the idea of them "keeping busy" for two decades, as if their success will continue providing they have a bunch of To-Do lists. If they fix the shelves, tidy the shed and empty the dishwasher, that'll get them to the next Greatest Hits collection.

STV can't tell one boyband from another

Presumably nobody at STV actually watches the X Factor, right?

[Spotted by MummyBarrow]

Gordon in the morning: Spies like JLS

Let's hope the plans for Aston Merrygold's stag do weren't supposed to be a secret, as Gordon Smart has published them today:

They [the rest of the band] have called in an ex-MI5 spook to help kidnap him and see he gets a more extreme fright than a few hours handcuffed to a lamppost.

To be fair, Ortise appears to have gurgled the details to the Sun.

Hmm. How wise is it to tell everybody - including the target - that there's going to be a hi-jinks style kidnapping of a high-profile bloke? If you were planning to kidnap a star for real, it would be useful to know there's one who would go "Ha! This is FUN! Oh, you guys..." for at least the first half-hour or so.

Still, famous people have the sort of watertight security that would mean something like that could never happen, right?

In totally unrelated news:

SIMON Cowell found a woman intruder in his bathroom — armed with a BRICK.

Are we absolutely sure this isn't some crazy prank stunt pulled by Ant and/or Dec?

Gordon in the morning: JLS bring their own sunshine

Gordon was very excited by Sport Relief last night:

JLS hitched a ride on a high-speed water taxi to get between their Sport Relief appearance and London's O2 gig last night.

Since high speed water taxis are part of every day London infrastructure, this is a bit like breathlessly reporting your pizza was delivered by a man on a motorscooter.

Still, Gordon has photos of the event:

Except JLS were on-stage at 9.30 for Sport Relief, which makes it strange - if it was such a dash - that it was daylight when they were on the Thames.

Maybe these pictures were from a dry run - no pun intended, honest - but if the BBC showed a rehearsal shot and claimed it was the real thing, the papers would be throwing Safeguarding Trust guidelines at Mark Thompson before you could say Queengate.

Also, with Television Centre not being anywhere near the river, would a water taxi really have sped up the process of getting there?

JLS: surprisingly in favour of Autotune

JLS won't hear a word said against Autotune. Which is understandable, it'd be on a par with a singer criticising their larynx for JLS to attack Autotune:

Singer Aston Merrygold said: "If you get critics come and see the show, we can sing it live, so what's the problem, so it's kind of pointless for them to criticise."

Surely, Aston, if you "can" "sing" "live" (and lets be honest, the jury remains resolutely out on that one), erm... why do you need to use Autotune in a studio?

Surely the obverse would be true - if you were weak singers, you'd need to use the help live, where there's no hope of a second take?

Ortise also has a thought:

"Music has moved forward in such an amazing way, and we are in a new school generation and that generation, stuff like music effects, auto tune and sampling is part of that."

There's a difference, isn't there, between an 'effect' or 'sampling' - which takes something and makes something different, and autotune, which merely covers up the deficiency of a singer?

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with using Autotune, but JLS need to be honest that they're really just dancers.

By the way, it's touching that Ortise believes sampling - which predates The Beatles - is somehow part of the new generation.

But - hey - they're only doing what the people want:

Marvin said: "It's all about people wanting [autotune] in the music, so we will deliver it to them."

I think the most charitable translation of that is 'the audience don't want to hear our actual singing voices, so we'll make sure they don't'.

Gordon in the morning: Boring

Let's just thank the stars Gordon was able to get a column out this morning, what with the sounds of burning and booing and shredding coming from down the corridor.

So what has he brought to our attention, in his bid to ensure that he's part of any seventh day Sun?

The breaking news that Olly Murs in boring:

JLS have told Olly Murs to pull his socks up and stop running scared from their boozy post-gig antics.

Aston said: "He's actually been quite dull. And I've told him. I said, 'You've been so boring. You haven't been out with us yet. What's going on?'

Not only is this Gordon's "big" story, but he's given himself a photo byline on it.

I guess Smart's the only person in Wapping not running about with a blanket over his head. The news that Olly Murs is even dull when viewed from the perspective of JLS will not be stopped.

Gordon in the morning: An apology

We might have given you to understand that Gordon Smart spends most of his time perving over women's breasts. I now would like to acknowledge that is unfair, and...

ASTON MERRYGOLD can't be short of a few bob - and with the band's new film out this week there will be even more cash rolling in.

So it's a mystery why he can only ever afford miniature T-shirts.

The JLS singer was out and about in London last night with another of his chest-baring tops.

Apparently any breasts will do.

Although it probably saves fans from ripping his clothes if he's already got there first...

Breathe, Gordon. Remember to breathe.

Gordon in the morning: ... and those who can't, teach

JLS have been spending time with Craig David. (It's not clear why, perhaps he's working as their driver or something.)

CRAIG DAVID has found time in his busy diary to give JLS a masterclass in bedding women.

The Proper Bo singer plied the lads with booze after inviting them round to his bachelor pad in Miami for a chat about pulling girls.

Because, of course, nothing says "active sex life" like having JLS round to drink shandy.

ORITSE said: "We went out for dinner with him. Then we went to his flat to drink a few tequilas.

"There are a lot of pictures of girls on his walls - all over the house. We talked about women loads. He said, 'Just stick with me. I'll take you to all the good places where there are loads of girls.' "

The detail of Craig David living in some sort of flat with pictures cut out of Zoo or Nuts stuck on the wall feels somehow accurate.

Gordon in the morning: JLS jump out a plane

They were wearing parachutes, though.

Gordon in the morning: JLS poking out at you

Let's not be too cruel pointing out that two of the "news" items in Gordon's column this morning seem to be little more than puffs for programmes on ITV2 - some stations show a testcard; ITV2 wheels on Andre and Katona.

Instead, let's pay grudging tribute to JLS, happy to always spot when their fans' parents have some money left and quick to come up with a scheme to deal with that challenge.

They've hit their Spiceworld point now, with a movie being proposed. Oh, of course it'll be in 3D - so you'll really feel as if you're having blunt objects being battered right over your head.

Even the "source" seemed to find nothing to say other than this is a cash-churning exercise:

A source said: "The boys are keen to do a movie, it's the next logical step.

"JLS have a huge fanbase who are bound to lap this up and see the film over and over again in the cinema, as well as buying it when it comes out on DVD. The lads can't wait to start shooting."

To pad out the column, Gordon starts to talk about Help!:

The Fab Four's film was a hit with critics back in the Swinging Sixties, according to my dad.

You've got to love that panicky "according to my Dad", as if Gordon was afraid someone might think that - perish the thought - he knew something about the old days.

Seriously, Gordon: you think that 'knowing about the Beatles' is something you think you need to pretend you need help with? What is going on in your head?

Gordon in the morning: The shine is going off JLS

You know you're being overexposed when even Gordon's slavish coverage starts to get waspish. JLS might want to think about taking some time off:

Speaking at yet another Nintendo Wii Mario Kart promotion in central London, Aston said: [...]
The amount of promotion the lads have done for Wii, they've got to have shares...

Even the photo caption is yawning and saying 'you again?':

Yet another promo ... JLS

It might only be twelve months after everybody else, but finally The Sun is catching the general disenchantment with the slim talent-to-appearances ratio.

Gordon in the morning: How are the app sales going, Gordon?

It's not clear how sales of the Bizarre app - it's a monthly subscription - are going, but the competition to win some sort of meeting with JLS suggests a desperate bid to drive take-up.

Still, lovely to see a bit of salesmanship from Gordon:

The Bizarre application is FREE for the first 30 days of subscription and £1.19 per month after that.

It is available for iPhone and Android handsets, which are sold in all good mobile phone retailers across the UK.

Does he really think people are going to be going "blimey, that sounds so good I might go and buy a three hundred quid phone just to get that app... if only I knew where I could find such a thing..."?

Gordon in the morning: Shifting fields of battle

Because Gordon loves the idea of a chart battle, a shift in record company distribution plans, moving the Take That album to November 15th isn't simply a reaction to earlier supply and a way of maximising units shifted pre-Christmas, it's a major shift in the theatre of war:

WESTLIFE will be crying into their Guinness tonight.

TAKE THAT have lobbed a massive spanner into the Irish lads' plans for chart domination with their new album Gravity.

GARY BARLOW, MARK OWEN, JASON ORANGE, HOWARD DONALD and their old pal ROBBIE WILLIAMS have moved the release date of their new album Progress forward to the same day, November 15.

All the four-leaf clovers in the world won't help in Westlife HQ when word filters through to the lads.

Some of you might think Gordon's lobbing in of Irish stereotypes is a bit obscene; others will be surprised he didn't work in a reference to potato famines.

But if Westlife are the new losers, who are the winners?

Da Loif's loss is a huge gain for JLS. Their second album, Out Of This World, was originally due to go head-to-head with Take That.

They will now have the chance to knock the elder statesmen of pop, or Westlife, off the top spot after only a week.

If Gary Barlow is the elder statesman in his thirties, what does that make Cliff Richard?

Still, even Gordon is a realist:

I can't see it happening, but it is going to make for a great chart battle.

No, no it isn't.

Last night a Take That spokesman said the release date change was because of the huge response to their press conference at London's Savoy hotel on Tuesday announcing their tour dates.

I reckon the real reason is to give them an extra week to fill their boots with monster sales in the Christmas market.

Do you think, Gordon? Almost as if the chart position doesn't mean a thing to anyone, outside someone with a few column inches to fill.

There's also some story about Joe Cole renaming his box after Liam Gallagher's trouser company. It turns out it's about Cole's football-watching box.