Gordon in the morning: One of JLS makes a playlist

Behind The Sun's paywall this morning, your cold hard cash will buy a chance to read a story about Marvin out of JLS plotting a dance album. This, it appears, is cause for Calvin Harris to "watch out". Presumably in case Humes borrows his headphones but doesn't return them.

Gordon in the morning: Father of the year

When even Gordon Smart is raising an eyebrow at your awards, you're in trouble:

MARVIN HUMES has only been a dad for five minutes – but he’s still made the shortlist for Celebrity Dad of the Year 2013.

Yes, Marvin Humes' contribution to fatherhood so far has lasted seven days - which means he's made the shortlist for 'not instantly putting the child into a lion enclosure', presumably?

It gets worse for the organisers, as Smart then mocks the names on the shortlist and the event itself:

The JLS singer is up against a number of dads who definitely won’t be going up to accept the nonsense gong if they win a public vote – including footballers WAYNE ROONEY, FRANK LAMPARD, DAVID BECKHAM and GARETH BALE.

Interesting that it's a "nonsense gong" this year, as Gordon was happy enough last year when Gary Barlow won:

GARY BARLOW really is top of the pops – after being named Celebrity Dad Of The Year.

The X Factor judge collected the prize ahead of the birth of his fourth child.

He pipped reigning champ Peter Andre to the title – sponsored by Premier Inn – in a public vote.

The Take That singer said winning the award felt “amazing” and added: “I’ve been waiting for it for a long time.”

Even worked in the sponsor's name. Perhaps they changed the judging criteria in the last twelve months.

Or maybe they forgot to invite someone to the party this year?

Gordon in the morning: When obsessions collide

Today, as is the law, Gordon files a non-story about Robbie Williams:

[H]is feathers are not in the least bit ruffled by the discovery that he's sharing his £7million Wiltshire pile with a ghost.

And not just any old ghost.

The country mansion Rob and his missus AYDA FIELD now call home was once inhabited by HENRY VIII's sixth and last wife CATHERINE PARR.

In his role as JLS' official spokesperson, there's a story which tries to make them sound more interesting:

THEY say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned - and JLS heart-throb MARVIN HUMES has learned this the hard way.

His ex-girlfriend has come out of the woodwork to give her view of his womanising.

But what must keep Gordon awake at night is if he had to choose sides, right? What then?

ROBBIE WILLIAMS will be caught up in charts bloodshed this winter as the biggest releases of the year collide in a four-week frenzy.

Robbie's album Reality Killed The Video Star goes up against JLS's as-yet unnamed first effort in November.

How sweet of Gordo to pretend that the two acts are even in the same order of magnitude. Perhaps he's started to believe there's as much interest in JLS as the column inches he's giving them would have suggested.

Gordon in the morning: Civvy street

Lily Allen is seeing a decorator, according to this morning's Gordon Smart showbiz carousel. Or, as Gordon puts it:

Lil has found love again with an ordinary punter called Sam Cooper.

"Ordinary"? This dismissal of a bloke simply because he has a job that doesn't have a televised awards show connected to it isn't surprising, but, judging by the number of Suns propped on dashboards of vans, Smart is looking down on half of his paying audience for being a bit dull.

It's not like Allen's last reported boyfriend was that extraordinary, is it:

LILY ALLEN's last boyfriend was a middle-aged, multi-millionaire art dealer with a stash of pricey oil paintings.

So a bloke with some sort of picture shop, then. One with too much stock on his hand.

Still, it's always nice to see gossip columnists panic when their prey starts to date off-list. Gordon is reduced to patting Cooper on the head and running a "Lily Allen colour chart".

Oh, and the headline:

Lily’s all emulsional

Yes. The headline.

Having spent most of the last couple of weeks helping out the JLS promotional campaign, today Gordon runs a knocking piece about JLS getting cross in a nightclub:

Aston and bandmates JONATHAN "JB" GILL, MARVIN HUMES and ORITSE WILLIAMS got stroppy when mates including Britain's Got Talent pals FLAWLESS had to queue to get in.

Then Aston flew into a rage because he was too hot and JB moaned at being pestered by fans before fed-up staff finally gave them a warning.

Why the sudden change? Could it be because they've managed to make Smart's retyping of their press pack look a little silly?

JUST days ago I told you how the JLS boys had ditched their girlfriends to concentrate on stardom.

But these lads work fast.

ASTON MERRYGOLD has been bragging to pals about dating a mystery older lady.

Oops.

It's a pity they didn't get a photo of Gordon looking disappointed at the same time they did the "handing back CDs" and "celebrating with champagne" pictures.