Gordon in the morning: Up in the air

"Posh avoids 11 hour flight sat next to Jordan" screams the front of Bizarre this morning, apparently written by someone who doesn't really know how the plane is laid out when you turn left. Or possibly someone who thinks Victoria Beckham crams herself into coach.

Gordon insists it was close, though:

THERE'S been one of those scary near-misses involving two planes - and VICTORIA BECKHAM had a very lucky escape.

She nearly spent an 11-hour flight to LA sharing the benefits of Virgin Atlantic Upper Class with somebody she can't stand - KATIE PRICE.

Except - as is usually the case with people who fly a lot and have sufficient funds - it turns out Beckham had booked herself on all the flights leaving for LA yesterday, so there wasn't even much chance she'd be on the same flight as Jordan, much less sat next to her.

Two women fly to the same place at different times on the same day. Not quite such a great story, is it?

Gordon in the morning: Calling for cuts

It is pretty outrageous that Surrey Police have the time and money to provide an escort to Katie Price. I'm not sure I'm quite as outraged as Gordon Smart is, though:

WATCHING Jordan bleating on about Press intrusion in her fly-on-the-wall show is bad enough for my blood pressure.

But this footage of the fame-hungry imbecile being given the privilege of a police escort nearly caused my first heart attack. It's a disgusting, shameful waste of police time and taxpayers' money.

A member of Jordan's camp is said to have alerted Surrey Police when Jordan felt a rolling roadblock was required.

I wonder if that was before or after he or she tipped off photographers about her next skiing holiday?

Ah, so Jordan is a "fame-hungry imbecile", then?

I wonder who it is who is her feeder, then? Perhaps Gordon should have a word with the Showbusiness editor at the newspaper which ran just shy of 1000 stories on her last year. And is already up to twelve stories about her just five days into February.

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: The Price of nothing

Did you know that Katie Price - or ITV2, as she's known professionally - has got a single out? Of course you didn't, because if you did you'd have been hiding under the bed until it all went away.

It looks like 'under the bed' might be quite busy, come to that, as the whole world seems to be hiding from the single. It's going to be lucky to scrape the Top 50.

Earlier this week, she told the Press Association: "If it does well, that would be brilliant, but as long as people like it."

Let's hope she had a plan C as well. "Failing that, just so long as I'm not summoned to The Hague to explain what I've wrought" - something like that.

Who can explain how Katie Price is supposedly so popular, but her records are not selling?

Why, this job could be perfect for HMV's Glamour Factmodel, Gennaro Castaldo:

Gennaro Castaldo of music retailer HMV said: "Katie Price is obviously a hugely successful celebrity who knows how to engage with her fans, particularly when it comes to her books, DVDs and other merchandise, but some people seem to be drawing a line when it comes to her singing."

Castaldo seems puzzled that people aren't buying the record when they buy all the other tosh; surely his puzzlement should be that she manages to sell anything at all.

Perhaps she should have got someone else to do the singing for her, the way she has someone else write the books for her.

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: Peter Andre's payday

Who knew that bankers' earnings could end up looking quite reasonable in comparison? It turns out that Peter Andre - a man who doesn't actually possess a box to keep a talent in, much less have anything to put in such a box - is expecting to earn five million quid next year.

Who can make sense of such a bemusing situation? Step forward HMV Vacuous Sack expert, Gennaro Castaldo:

HMV spokesman Gennaro Castaldo ­added: “His star appears very much in the ascendancy again while sales of Katie Price merchandise would appear to be down.”

Yeah. Even Gennaro can't really explain why, can he?

Griffin done... Manchester

Zoe Griffin returns to (or, rather, gets some photos taken in) Manchester, and returns to her theme about how Manchester is where it's at:

Earlier this week, I argued Manchester was giving London competition for nightclubs and partying and I stick by that. Forget about Oasis splitting up - the Gallagher brothers have lived down South in posh Hampstead and Surrey for years.

So it's a place so cool that it's most famous sons, erm, went to live somewhere else? You make a compelling case, Zoe.

But she does have a photo of Katie Price in Manchester, so it's not like she can't back up her claims.

Check out how drunk she is!

Ha ha ha, she can't stand up. Hilariously liver-killing. Check it out indeed.

Peter Andre: what exactly was your job description?

I'll be honest, I'd thought that Peter Andre was clearly tagged as "former minor singer" as far as a career goes, but it turns out that's rather outdated of me:

[Talking to the Edinburgh TV festival] he said he had no misgivings about subjecting his marriage to the media spotlight. "I couldn't regret it – it's your job, and there'll be bits of your job you don't like."

Being filmed married to Jordan was your job? What the hell did you have written on your passport under 'occupation', exactly?

Peter Andre reaches the stage of sitting by the door looking sad

Obviously, there is no real dignity to be lost in the affair of Peter Andre and Jordan, but dignity-like substance that Andre has been clinging to - you know, the one where he screamed at the mother of his children through the medium of Star magazine; that substance - seems to have evaporated:

Peter Andre is releasing a cookery book of "meals for one".

Rumours that his next single will feature the sound of a fork popping through cellophane and the lonely ting of a microwave announcing the slight overcooking of a reclaimed chicken product in some sort of sauce are almost certainly going to prove to be true.

Darkness at 3AM: It is always 3AM now

The desperate attempt by the Daily Mirror to spin the 3AM column into Britain's answer to TMZ has had its on switch flicked. Understandably, they've only soft-launched; there was no big fuss. It's not like this is the launch of a new computermybob for comparethemeerkat or anything.

So, what's it like? It's written by someone who speaks Imperial Period Smash Hits, but only as a second language:

Like duh, you need to log in.

It has all the veracity of those black-and-white movies from the late 60s where elderly scriptwriters tried to write in youth argot. Like having a section called "chinny reck-on", you can see what they're trying to do but in a bid to give the site a personality, they've fallen short. Instead they've given the site a comedy jumper and a repertoire of silly voices.

But what of the content?

A headline boldly announces this picture of Posh demands to be analysed to death. It's a picture of Posh with a hat, carrying a teddy bear and walking one of her kids through an airport.

The 3AM team then, indeed, does analyse the picture, working through seven possibilities, of which this is the least weak:

5. That's not a teddy bear, that's David. She bought a book of love spells and turned him into a toy so that he can never leave her.

To be fair, they do come up with this possibility:

3. She's just a mum, like any other mum, going about her mumsy business, and we should give the poor woman a break and stop tearing apart her every movement.

But they never got to point eight, which I'm betting would surely have been "as a newspaper site and thus working under the rules of the Press Complaint Commissions, this picture appears to feature a child simply because his parents are famous, and as such shouldn't have been published, so perhaps Victoria is trying to avoid drawing attention to herself in order to save ourselves from once again showing certain parts of the UK newspaper industry can't be trusted with the concept of self-regulation."

Elsewhere, there's this cheerful opening to a story:

Since we know that Peter Andre is a fan of our site, we think it's only fair that we write stories that will make him chuckle. The latest bad PR for his dear lady ex-wife is that she's been accused of threatening to run over a young fan with her ridiculous pink horse box.

Ah, yes, what could possibly be more chucklesome than the mother of your children being accused of threatening to run people over? Let's hope the 3AM team start writing a sitcom soon.

One last jarring note: the stories don't have links to "read the full story". It says "Care? Read on."

Woot-ton: Andre nother thing...

Katie Price - a woman whose career seems to be based entirely on charging people for a look up her shirt - is going to "ruin" Peter Andre out of some sort of need for revenge.

Ruining Peter Andre? Isn't that a bit like trying to force a Mini Metro off the road? You could put in the effort, but frankly it's going to topple over under its own steam before too long.

This is all revealed in a big interview with the News Of The World, which Dan Wootton has been allowed to help out with, which is nice. James Deesborough was also on hand, too. Somewhat oddly, despite this double-handed interview team, the report still falls back to having to quote things that Jordan supposedly told "a pal" and "a source close to Jordan". Two of the finest typists the News of the World have to offer nab an exclusive interview, and still have to pad it out with unsubstantiated tattle? No wonder Little Murdoch and his Poppa worried about the bottom line at the paper.

Still, the twin strikers do manage to get this out of the woman:

FURIOUS Jordan last night revealed the bitter truth that made her life with Peter Andre hell, admitting: "I lived a lie for five years."

So, Jordan's brilliant plan for bringing down Andre is to, erm, tell everyone that the churning programmes she's been knocking out for ITV for the last half-decade have just been full of old bollocks she's been feeding them. Thank god she doesn't have to plot her own books.

Peter Andre has a big payday

Of course, it's a bit of a shame that Peter Andre is still relying on his connection with Jordan to make a few bob, but he seems delighted to accept "substantial" damages from the Sunday People:

Peter Andre accepted substantial undisclosed libel damages from the People newspaper in the high court today over a false claim that he made inappropriate sexual advances to a woman who looked like his estranged wife Katie Price.
[...]
Speaking outside the high court today, Andre said he was "pleased" the People had accepted that the story was "untrue and hurtful".

Yes. What could be more hurtful than being accused in public of being the sort of man who would have sex with a woman who looked like Jordan?

Oh... no, hang on:

"I have never been unfaithful to my wife – not with this girl, or any other girl," he added. "This story has led to a lot of speculation about whether I was faithful to my estranged wife which even led her to mention it on a breakfast television show last week.

"If anyone slanders my name I will not hesitate in taking action against them. Now, hopefully, this will bring these rumours and lies to an end and let me move on with my life."

Interesting. So Andre will take action against anyone who slanders his name. And this story is libelous - as shown by this legal action. And Jordan repeated in on a broadcast programme. So... presumably Andre will be bringing a libel action against his own wife now?

Gordon in the morning: Time on her hands

That's the trouble with divorce, isn't it? It's not the couple, it's innocent people who get hurt.

Jordan is relaunching her pop career.

I say relaunching - it's more "diving in an attempt to see if there's anything to salvage following the sinking of her last attempt".

Gordon reports that she's signed up with "David Bowie's management" - although it's The Outside Organisation, who are media managers rather than traditional music industry management. They're also responsible, for instance, for the Digital Spy Reality TV Awards and Tim Kash.

Sadly, Gordon has decided against getting his team to mock up a picture of Jordan made to look like Kash, and has instead gone with a picture of her looking like Aladdin Sane.

Smart warns us to expect a "chart battle" between her and Andre by the end of the year.

[Flash forward to December, as a record label guy shows Andre some paperwork - "This chart shows you that 87% of your CDs were returned unsold... and this chart shows that 96% of hers were..."]

Gordon in the morning: Nixon gets a grip on power

Someone called Tim Nixon has seized control of Bizarre today, filling the featured slot with news that Jordan has bought a necklace with a giant P on it. Confusing 'a national daily newspaper' with Jordan's personal newsletter, Nixon runs something that sounds like it had been dictated by the Price PR team:

The sight of the couple arm-in-arm in a cab following their TV stint on This Morning earlier in the day will only help their bid to end the speculation.

When his wife’s looking this hot, who can blame Peter for holding on tight?

Still, it's not like Gordon has anything better - he's reduced to a stream of weak puns based on crappy pappy snaps.

A picture of Russell Brand and a woman with frizzy hair?

Model is Brand's new curlfriend

A long-lens shot of a child dressed as a superhero sidekick being carried by his former Spice Girl mother?

Victoria goes Robin with Cruz

- although, to be fair, that's Tim Nixon again. Nixon, we can only assume, has never met a child, as he doesn't seem to understand that kids like to wear their dress-up clothes:

DESPITE all their money, one must assume the BECKHAM kids have only a limited stock of normal clothes.

Mum VICTORIA’s penchant for dressing her boys up as wacky characters continues – this time heading out with CRUZ in the guise of Batman’s sidekick Robin.

Isn't letting her kid muck about pretending to be a cartoon character refreshingly normal rather than somehow odd? And in what way does the "goes Robin" pun make any sense?

With Nixon so busy, though, Gordon must be up to something important? Perhaps he wrote the Timmy Mallet piece. Mallet is given a chunk of space to appeal for the return of his large rubber hammer:

THE Jules Rimet Trophy, an Oscar, a Brit Award and Mallett’s Mallet – four cash-can’t-buy items I dreamed of owning as a nipper.

Yes, that's Gordon, isn't it?

So when Eighties telly hero TIMMY MALLETT asked for help recovering his iconic foam hammer, I was delighted to assist.

Given that Tim Nixon is filling up the rest of your space with donkey-shoot puns and news about what plastic necklace Jordan is wearing, you might think Gordon would have been better off spending his time focusing on someone whose moment hadn't passed during the Thatcher government, but still: Mallet is clearly missing his big foam tool. When did it go missing, Timmy? Last week? Last month?

The original was nicked from the Wacaday show host at one of his spin-off Wacagigs.

He was on stage entertaining smashed students at Evolution club in Leeds in September 2002 when the mallet was snatched by a nostalgia-crazed thief who fled into the night.

2002? So he's managed to get through six years without it?

Mallet is appealing for the return of the thing now because - inevitably - it's turned up in Facebook. Or, rather, there's a photo of it with some people on Facebook.

I don't mean to be cynical but this sounds a little more like a promotional stunt to me. There isn't even any indication that the picture of the hammer is a recent one - it looks like it's a scanned-in version of one of those pictures that had a date and time burned in to the actual picture, which would suggest it comes from the 1990s rather than the 2000s. Still, Gordon appeals to those few readers who have fought their way through his column to this point for help. And the equivalent of the Crimestoppers reward?

If you can help, the man himself has agreed to come and shake hands in a Wacaday handover at Bizarre HQ.

A trip to Wapping and a meeting with a man you can hire to play your local pub? It's compelling. Perhaps the appeal should have simply been to civic duty.

The secret diary of Mark Frith

Time, once again, to open the diary of Mark Frith. This time, we find Mark publishing stickers mocking a severely disabled child, despite - as he cheerfully admits - his colleagues having told him they didn't think it was a good idea.

Mark attempts to set up his justification early. In an entry which predates his sticker calamity, he mentions that Jordan did an interview about her kid:

While most celebrities are protective of their children, it's in Jordan's interest to be public about them.

You see? It's her, she put them in the public domain. Her! Her! HER!

Frith explains what he means by "in her interest" - "she makes a fortune out of posing with them" - but does he mean that otherwise nobody would write about her? That's clearly not true, as his magazine never finds reasons to ignore a Jordan story if it can.

He then points out that Jordan can sometimes see that aspects of Harvey's behaviour can be amusing:

She makes a fortune from posing with them and in our interview she speaks a lot about him - particularly his food intake and weight.

It can't be easy for her but she's very funny about it. 'Sometimes I ask: "Do you love Mummy?" He says: "No." Then I say: "Do you love cake?" He instantly says: "Yes." '

So, there's his justification set up. Forward, now, to November:

The stickers are due at the printers when one of my team interjects.

'Some of us have a real problem with the Harvey one. People will take offence and we shouldn't do it.'

'No one will take offence. Everyone knows Jordan is always joking about the amount he eats. Leave it in. It'll be fine.'

So, Mark doesn't actually see there's a difference between a mother saying of her own child "he says the funniest things sometimes; he said he loves cake" and a commercial magazine giving its readers stickers that say "Harvey wants to eat me." Frith even attempts to say the sticker is "a reference to the interviews she gives the Press about her son's ravenous food intake" rather than a reference to the child being quite large for his age.

Forward another couple of weeks, and Frith is starting to have slight - only slight - doubts:

The new issue is back from the printers. There's still disquiet about the Harvey sticker and, seeing it in the middle of the magazine, I'm starting to worry. It feels all wrong.

But isn't the editor's job to twig this sort of "all wrongness" in the first place?

You'll note he doesn't say it is wrong - just that it feels all wrong. He also doesn't say sorry:

There has been a lot of criticism about the Harvey sticker - from the media and readers.

I seek advice and am told I must write a letter to Jordan, and have a statement prepared for any media outlet that wants a comment.

He "seeks advice"; he's told to "write a letter". No word of contrition yet.

Today's Times has a piece on Jordangate under the headline: The Lowest Point In British Journalism.

In 1989, The Times' sister newspaper, The Sun, ran an article about the Hillsborough football disaster and alleged that Liverpool fans had picked the pockets of victims and urinated on police officers as they tended to the dying and injured.

The Sun had to admit that none of the allegations were true. They apologised, yet even now there are large sections of Liverpool where newsagents still refuse to stock it.

But, according to The Times, our sticker was worse than that.

A big mistake? Undoubtedly. A misjudgment on my part? Guilty as charged. The lowest point in British journalism? I don't think so. Still, the pressure on me is mounting.

So, it's a "misjudgement" - at least he goes that far - and then lumbers into another misjudgement by trying to justify his actions by comparing them to something one of his critic's sister papers did twenty years ago.

And, yes, the Sun's Hillsborough coverage was shocking. But, on the other hand, you published - as a giveaway - a sticker for readers to decorate their belongings with which featured a jibe at a disabled child.

You're right, of course, Frith, the Times was wrong to say it was the lowest point in British journalism. But only because this isn't journalism, it's just turning people into freakshows.

Yesterday, we heard how Frith justified his cruelty towards Leslie Ash when she was at a low point in her life by suggesting it's what his readers would be doing anyway. You'd have thought if he really believed in that as an excuse, he'd be deploying it here, too, wouldn't you? It's almost as if he knows in his heart that there are just some things you might hear on the streets that shouldn't be given the dignity of print - even the spurious dignity of Heat - but can't quite bring himself to admit it.

Gordon in the morning: Sometimes the paper is hard to fill

Set in the scale of slip-ups made by celebrities, Paris Hilton thinking that West Africa is a country might be worth a quick chortle - although how many Sun readers would have had to check an Atlas to make sure that's what her "gaffe" was. On a quiet bank holiday, though, Gordon grabs it like a pensioner finding an empty table in a Fortes cafe, and makes it a lead story.

Obviously, it takes padding. A lot of padding. Indeed, so stuffed is the story, Gordon somehow makes this the conclusion of a story about Paris thinking West Africa is a country:

It bothers me to see a mug like Danielle Lloyd raking in huge sums even after showing herself up on Celeb Big Brother as a racist numbskull.

Still, on a day when his newspaper's front page is barking "Gipsy hell for minister Tessa", nice to see Gordon taking a stand against racism.

To pad out a quiet day on Bizarre still further, an article by Antonella Lazzeri is drafted in, fretting over the pressures on young girls who hold up Jordan as a role model:

[C]onsultant psychologist Eileen Bradbury warned that girls could face a lifetime of surgery.

Mindful of this hard-ish-hitting piece about the cost of obsessions with tits finding a bank holiday berth in Bizarre, Gordon approaches his usual matter with, well, exactly the same finesse:

TV beauty HOLLY WILLOUGHBY has earned quite a reputation for her bumpers recently.

And now she’s added two more — in the shape of this soft-top VW Beetle.

To see more of Holly's 'airbags' click the slideshow below

Airbags. He means breasts.

Gordon in the morning: Inspired

In the interests of being fair, we have to admit the headline on the story about Katie Price getting drunk and needing some help to get in a taxi in this morning's Bizarre is pretty sharp:

I looked over Jordan, what did I see, someone needs to carry her home

Unfortunately, though, this only appears in the paper and on the index page of the site: the permanent page on the story goes with:

Jordan's WAG night out with Alex

- which suggests the Swing Low allusion might have been added elsewhere in the production process.

Looking at some of the other headlines this morning:

Agyness is the Deyn attraction

and

Paris' bangers get some air

... well, it only adds to the suspicion that there was help from outside. "Deyn attraction" doesn't even work as a pun, but at least it's not a single entendre.

Gordon in the morning: Running on empty

It's a day of nothing stretched very, very thin for Gordon this morning - Emily Smith files news from the US of Britney dumping that paparazzi bloke she was supposedly seeing, although we didn't know that they were back "together", to be honest and, since she's clearly not accountable for her actions at the moment, it's hardly surprising, is it?

The Sun tries its hand at a little Sylvie Krin action:

IT was a heart-warming love story for our time.
Adnan fell for pop princess Britney the moment he set eyes on her through his long lens - then charmed his way into her life.
But The Sun says she is better off without him. Adnan was one low-life frog who was never going to turn into a prince.
TO READ A REAL MILLS AND BOON ROMANCE, CLICK HERE.

Of course, if you click on the link it brings up an empty page - we suspect they're busily arguing if a Mills and Boon romance would end with the person who sent the evil character to spy on the heroine advising her to drop the evil one. Or perhaps they just couldn't be arsed.

Still, the claim that Britney threw Adnan's phone into a pool does generate the wonderful picture caption:

Wet: iPhone

Jordan is, apparently, changing the money she's got for showing her tits to people into a private jet, which sets Gordon punning:

It has already been dubbed bmi Booby — after the British airline bmi Baby.

Clearly, the only person who has ever called it that is Smart himself, but even he knows that's a clunker so he's trying to suggest it's something he's overheard.

He also tries a gag based on the phrase "landing strip", what with Jordan being a stripper, more or less:

GLAMOUR girl JORDAN is heading for a landing strip — in her own private JET.

No, we're fairly sure that is supposed to be a pun. We'd have gone with something about how she might have been a glamour model, but she's now heading for the runway or something like that.

And, trying desperately to find a new angle to keep the Cheryl Cole story alive, Gordon decides that the song she's recording with Will.I.Am is probably some sort of message for Ashley:

CHERYL COLE has found the perfect way to get her message across to numbnuts husband Ashley — with a four-letter rant in a new song.

Really?

Part of her vocals go: “You’ve been a f****** jerk!”

That doesn't seem to be a rant. Or, erm, four letters.

Meanwhile, Gordon has uncovered a new rich stream of humour:

And if you thought she was angry when she chinned that nightclub toilet attendant a few years ago, this lyric lashes out with even more venom.

Ha, ha, ha. A violent assault on a poorly paid woman. Let's all have a laugh at the rich woman beating the shit out of a toilet attendant, shall we, Gordon? Hilarious.

Gordon in the morning: Liam Gallagher's big hitch

Aah, sloppy old romantic pub-fighting Liam Gallagher marked Valentines Day by marrying Nicole Appleton, and Gordon Smart was there, or at least heard about it.

Ah, but what headline would you slap on such a story?

Oasis Liam's wed for it again

Sorry... what? He's got married for what? "It"? Sex? Was he saving himself until Nicole had a ring on his finger?

Accepting the headline doesn't actually make any sense, Smart crowbars in a reference to explain it:

“Mad for it” Liam...

Oh. Mad for it. Wed for it. Yes. Now we see.

Still, you can't blame Gordon, he's been busy, with a photo of the top of Jordan's nipple to somehow turn into news.

His colleagues turn their attention to Cheryl Cole. Again. You'll recall yesterday a picture of Cheryl in a bikini showed that she was stick-thin, dangerously underweight and at death's door. Twenty-four hours later, in (admittedly) a different bikini, she's looking

"well tanned, was joking – and appeared to be showing Chelsea ace Ashley, 27, just what he is missing."

Presumably she's had some sort of reverse liposuction.

Gordon in the morning

So, what has Gordon got on his mind this morning? There's a long, dull piece about some footballer or other who's involved with Danielle Lloyd, which is notable only for Gordon's finish:

I don’t see the attraction with Danielle Lloyd - she just has NOTHING about her at all.

Although enough to justify several hundred words, lots of photos and a lead story in your column, we notice, Gordo.

Gordon also fills space by ("makes space for") running several pictures from Jordan's calendar, which is a wonderful piece of journalism as it involved, erm, buying a calendar that's been on sale since the first of October and copying the pictures; and reporting that Mel B has worn a fairly tight t-shirt. It gives Gordon the chance to vary his limited vocabulary for females breasts - apparently Mel B has "Eddies":

well, he is a tit

Subtle, Gordon. Very subtle.

Jordan accepts Heat's apologies

Heat has apologised to Jordan for any offence its stickers caused her family:

“It was never our intention to cause offence to Harvey’s family and friends nor to you, our readers. In particular, it was never our aim to make fun of Harvey’s disabilities.

“We now accept that the decision to include this sticker was a mistake and we recognise that it has caused offence, not only to Katie and Peter Andre, but to a number of readers.”

Now, it's a good thing to stand up and say sorry when you're wrong, but is an apology genuine when it's clearly a lie?

"In particular, it was never our aim to make fun of Harvey’s disabilities" say Heat. So... what was the aim when you published a sticker of a disabled child with the words "Harvey wants to eat me", on a sheet full of "amusing" stickers, then? Was it an awareness-raising campaign? Was it serious reportage? What, Heat magazine, was your intention if not to make fun of Harvey's disabilities?

Gordon counts down to Christmas

It's December 1st, the first day of advent. Or at least, the day on which advent calendars start. And Gordon Smart, of course, doesn't want to be left out of the fun. At home, we suspect he's got a Bratz Chocolate one, but at work - inevitably - it's the:

Xmas crackers advent calendar

Helping Gordon find his excuse to print pictures of women in push-up bras, it's a feature deftly combining the coming of the Christ-child with cleavage shots.

Behind door number - we suspect behind every door - there's a picture of Jordan. Now, Gordon's not daft; he knows that nobody is going to pay him money simply for picking 24 pictures. So he's written some, uh, festive badinage to accompany the picture:

JORDAN would roast any man's chestnuts if she slid down the chimney on a cold Christmas morning.

Forget the Queen's speech, it'll be cold turkey compared with unwrapping her presents.

Looking at a soft porn star's breasts makes the Queen's speech like quitting heroin. Of course.