Gordon in the morning: There's exclusives, and "exclusives"

Yesterday, Gordon had a first with the play-through of the One Direction album (albeit with each track reviewed so tersely, why, a man could probably have just guessed what the songs sounded like.)

Today, his colleague Kate Jackson has what is described as a "first look at One Direction's calendar for 2013".

They even slap an "exclusive" label on it.

Which is odd, given the calendar's been available since September, and they're even flogging it from a little stand opposite Nando's.

Cliff Richard: My eyes, my eyes

You know there's something wrong when you read this:

And it's Congratulations to bachelor boy Sir Cliff on the near-six-pack

Yes, Cliff has stripped off for his 2011 calendar - only October, though, so you probably could go on holiday that month. Maybe it's a halloween costume?

What's strange, though, is the fawning write-up the News Of The World has given to the launch:

And if vintage Cliff continues to look this tasty in the next decade, then we've got something to say:

Son, you'll be a calendar boy and that's the way you'll stay-ay-ay-ay.

Surely it can't be plugging Cliff's calendar to keep in with the company which also produces the Hollyoaks and Cheryl Cole titles more in keeping with the Screws' usual content?

The Guardian applauds Lily Allen

The Guardian fills its third leader space with praise for Lily Allen. She's like a role model, in her rejection of those tiresome, flesh-flashing pop tarts:

Lacking a strong singing voice like Amy Winehouse, she relies instead on gently humorous, even cutting lyrics. With themes centring around family and messy break-ups, Allen's topics verge on the dark, but she treads lightly. "I'll take my clothes off and it'll be shameless, 'cos everyone knows that's how you get famous," she sings in The Fear.

Perhaps the Guardian might want to celebrate by buying a copy of her calendar:

Oh. Or, maybe not. "I'll take my bra off, have bits of tit showing/ 'cos everyone knows that how you keep sales growing", perhaps?

Gordon in the morning

So, what has Gordon got on his mind this morning? There's a long, dull piece about some footballer or other who's involved with Danielle Lloyd, which is notable only for Gordon's finish:

I don’t see the attraction with Danielle Lloyd - she just has NOTHING about her at all.

Although enough to justify several hundred words, lots of photos and a lead story in your column, we notice, Gordo.

Gordon also fills space by ("makes space for") running several pictures from Jordan's calendar, which is a wonderful piece of journalism as it involved, erm, buying a calendar that's been on sale since the first of October and copying the pictures; and reporting that Mel B has worn a fairly tight t-shirt. It gives Gordon the chance to vary his limited vocabulary for females breasts - apparently Mel B has "Eddies":

well, he is a tit

Subtle, Gordon. Very subtle.