It's a day of nothing stretched very, very thin for Gordon this morning - Emily Smith files news from the US of Britney dumping that paparazzi bloke she was supposedly seeing, although we didn't know that they were back "together", to be honest and, since she's clearly not accountable for her actions at the moment, it's hardly surprising, is it?
The Sun tries its hand at a little Sylvie Krin action:
Adnan fell for pop princess Britney the moment he set eyes on her through his long lens - then charmed his way into her life.
But The Sun says she is better off without him. Adnan was one low-life frog who was never going to turn into a prince.
TO READ A REAL MILLS AND BOON ROMANCE, CLICK HERE.
Of course, if you click on the link it brings up an empty page - we suspect they're busily arguing if a Mills and Boon romance would end with the person who sent the evil character to spy on the heroine advising her to drop the evil one. Or perhaps they just couldn't be arsed.
Still, the claim that Britney threw Adnan's phone into a pool does generate the wonderful picture caption:
Jordan is, apparently, changing the money she's got for showing her tits to people into a private jet, which sets Gordon punning:
Clearly, the only person who has ever called it that is Smart himself, but even he knows that's a clunker so he's trying to suggest it's something he's overheard.
He also tries a gag based on the phrase "landing strip", what with Jordan being a stripper, more or less:
No, we're fairly sure that is supposed to be a pun. We'd have gone with something about how she might have been a glamour model, but she's now heading for the runway or something like that.
And, trying desperately to find a new angle to keep the Cheryl Cole story alive, Gordon decides that the song she's recording with Will.I.Am is probably some sort of message for Ashley:
That doesn't seem to be a rant. Or, erm, four letters.
Meanwhile, Gordon has uncovered a new rich stream of humour:
Ha, ha, ha. A violent assault on a poorly paid woman. Let's all have a laugh at the rich woman beating the shit out of a toilet attendant, shall we, Gordon? Hilarious.