Peter Andre sets up a table in a shopping centre

Poor Peter Andre. Once he bestrode the world like a giant. Now, he doesn't even quite run to an in-store appearance. Instead, he's reduced to setting up a trestle table in the middle of a shopping street:

intu Milton Keynes has confirmed that celebrity, Peter Andre will be signing copies of his new album, ‘Big Night’ in the Shopping Centre on Tuesday.

He will be located between Hollister and Barclays from 2pm until 4pm.

They say "Intu Miltom Keynes"; they mean the Midsummer Arcade. Nobody is ever going to call it Intu.

This is odd as well:

Shoppers must pre purchase a copy of his album before having it signed, a proof of purchase will be required.

Eh? Given he's not in a record shop, why a proof of purchase? Are they afraid Andre is going to lead to a spate of shoplifting from HMV if they don't demand to see a receipt?

Amy Winehouse: Oh, yes, I did

Amy Winehouse has been fined £85 costs and ordered to pay £100 in compensation after she assaulted Milton Keynes Theatre Manager Richard Pound during the interval of a pantomime shortly before Christmas.

More worryingly for her team, she's also been given a two year conditional discharge, which means she's going to have to keep her nose clean virtually up to the London Olympics:

district judge Peter Crabtree told Winehouse: "It may be harder than a fine because you have now got to stay on the straight and narrow for the next two years."

Good luck with that, Amy. For some reason, I'm humming the Village People's You Can't Stop The Music at the moment.

Gordon in the morning: Dispatches from Milton Keynes

The unelected junta who rule Milton Keynes from the Homes And Communities Agency will be delighted with the new high-profile of the city. World Cup bids, Mark Lawson's thumbs-up (although apparently he manages to sit in traffic jams in the city centre and hasn't noticed that most of the large shops and restaurants are in the heart of the town and not "out-of-town").

And now: an appearance in Gordon Smart's column. Nick Parker and Virginia Wheeler have joined forces to bring a tale of Amy Winehouse's trip to the panto:

Amy went to the show to see pal ANTHONY KAVANAGH - a reality TV star standing in as Prince Charming for regular BEN ADAMS, of boyband A1.

Good lord, can you imagine being Ben Adams' stand-in? It's like being bought on as a substitute for the wheezy boy stood on the sidelines with a note from matron.

Amy turned up relaxed, claims The Sun, and left a trail of disaster in her wake.

A backstage source said: "Anthony brought Amy to impress the cast with his showbiz connections. But it backfired badly."

The source added Amy was "like a demonic child" and made kids in the 1,400-strong audience cry.

So, not all bad, then.

Thames Valley Police are currently burning through our council taxes investigating a possible assault, but no arrests have been made.

Zavvi: fit for the future?

Business took me back to the neighbourhood of Zavvi yesterday, and I popped in. Fans of the chain will doubtless be delighted to hear this time they actually had proper bags for carrying purchases away in.

More worrying is that - considering the Milton Keynes branch is supposed to be one not about to close - the store looked, well, awfully like a shop that was about to close. Everything seemed to be deeply discounted. Indeed, so discounted that the price cuts had outpaced the ability of the store to print signs, so most of the "25%" and "50%" signs had been drawn on cardboard in marker pen.

But with everything on sale - at silly prices - were I employed in the store, I might be wondering what, exactly, the store is intended to be selling in two months' time. Reducing large levels of less-than-attractive stock you can see - but flogging off everything dirt cheap? That looks like an exit strategy.

Darkness at 3AM: What's wrong with our local strippers, eh?

Yesterday, the 3AM column page on the Mirror site was tidied up with proper headlines and teasers and everything. This morning, though, we're back to headlines like this:

Milton Keynes

This did, at least pique our interest, what with us being in Milton Keynes and all. It turns out it's a warning that parking is going to be difficult in June:

Jay-Z is to play with Linkin Park in Milton Keynes in June - and will then head to an after-party at Europe's largest strip club. Apparently, For Your Eyes Only in City Road, London, is the only strip joint which stocks Jay's favourite drink, £600- a-bottle Armand de Brignac bubbly. Classy.

Jay-Z, if you want to pay a ridiculous sum of money for a drink while a bored-looking woman takes her top off, there's any number of places in London you can do that. Just don't hand your credit card over to the doorman as you go in, okay?