Sunday Mirror seems surprised by children growing up

I know it must be a bore of a job, having to try and interest people in a picture of Mel B, while trying to justify running a photo of a teenager. But... come on, Sunday Mirror:

Mel B's daughter Phoenix continues her grown-up transformation as teen towers beside her mum

"Continues her grown-up transformation". I know teenagers find growing into adulthood can be difficult, but who knew that it was such a struggle for headline writers as well?

Band Aid 30: Uncharitable

Adele didn't take part in Band Aid 30. Which is fair enough - nobody's obliged to take part in charitable endeavours, however well-intentioned they may be; and having to get to a certain place at a certain time to record a track that seems to be happening more because of an anniversary than from a desire to help doesn't sound like much of a deal.

That's what you'd expect a grown-up attitude to be, anyway.

Instead, it's got a bit like this:

To be fair, it's not Bob Geldof who's making a fuss - he was quite fair-minded:

When asked why Adele wasn't taking part, Bob told The Sunday Mirror: "I got through to someone, not her, but she’s not doing anything at all at the moment. It’s fine, I understand it’s not for everybody and other people support in different ways.”

He insisted: "I put the call in. I didn't speak to her. I spoke to Jonathan (her manager) and he says, 'I can't speak to her. I try but she won’t pick up the phone'."

That seems understandable then - she's not doing anything at the moment, even her manager cant interest her in projects, and Bob understands that some people don't care for this sort of charity showboating and will offer their support in other ways.

Oddly, though, the Mirror headline on this isn't 'Some people opt not to take part' but...

Adele SNUBS Band Aid 30 - Sir Bob Geldof insists he tried to pin the star down for track

She doesn't just snub it. She snubs it with caps lock on.

This is one of those rare occasions where the comments on a Mail Online story are actually more measured than the article they appear under - for while the Mail goes heavily for the suggestion that Adele "ignored" Bob, the commenters - almost to an avatar - shrug and say 'yeah, she's busy, and it's not that big a deal'. The winner is CelticShady:

I love that after posting the original message, an hour later Celtic had a further thought about how Emeil Sande shouldn't have gotten involved, neither.

Harry Styles: The Sunday Mirror would quite like to apologise

Hey, Sunday Mirror. Haven't you got something to say to Harry Styles?

Go on.

Two weeks ago we published an article about Harry Styles from One Direction under the front page headline “Harry’s Boozy Night with Lapdancer”

In that article we claimed that Harry was extremely drunk in a nightclub and had an “intimate” encounter with a lapdancer while he was there.

We also claimed that Harry was out of control. We now accept that this story and the claim that Harry was out of control is untrue.

We would like to apologise to Harry for the distress we caused him by what we published.

Pretty unusually, this apology has a byline:

Ben Rankin is deputy editor of Mirror.co.uk

Not quite sure why an online editor is writing an apology for an article on the paper, or indeed how anyone would construct that final sentence.

Fazer misguided

The Daily Mail has a big, splashy, flashy piece today about Tulisa out of N-Dubz and her relationship with Fazer out of N-Dubz:

Notoriously private about her personal life, new X Factor judge Tulisa Constavlos rarely opens up about any love interests.

And that dedication to privacy was stepped up yet further when she started dating N-Dubz band mate, Fazer (real name Richard Rawson).

But in an in-depth new interview, Tulisa has finally revealed her true feelings.

Wow. That's a pretty big scoop, Holly Thomas. They are very secretive, aren't they?

The pair have barely been apart since they formed N-Dubz with Tulisa's cousin (and Fazer's best friend) Dappy 12 years ago.

Yet their very secretive romance only began relatively recently.

How did Holly Thomas get this big scoop for the Mail?

Talking to The Sunday Mirror, Tulisa confessed: 'I'm really happy and have the best boyfriend- he's really supportive in what I'm doing with the show [X Factor]'

Oh. So you, erm, read it in the Sunday Mirror.

Still, never mind - this is clearly something your readers would want to know about. And you're sure what you read in the Mirror was right, yes?

Only... Tulisa spent a chunk of yesterday on Twitter pointing out that she'd never said who her boyfriend was:

What r all these tweets about fazer, I've spoke about my relationship, I neva said it was with him? Hmmm

Just as I suspected, I have never said I was in relationship with fazer, only said what my boyfriend meant 2 me, did not say who he was

So, it's a pity Holly Thomas read the Sunday Mirror, but didn't bother to read Tulisa's Twitterstream (or, even, make a phone call or two), because she could not only have saved herself from looking a bit stupid, but also actually had a bit of a story.

[Thanks to Michael M for the tip]

Glastonbury 2011: Quick morning press round-up

You'll have been wondering yourself, but only the Mirror dared to ask the burning question: Just what has been Fearne Cotton's highlight of the festival?

She told me: “Swaying in the mud to U2 was pretty sweet, definitely my highlight. Then I raved in the dance village to ANNIE MAC. The weather has been crap and I managed to ruin my new pink jeans. So that sucked.”

Ah, those festival highs and lows.

Light and shade, light and shade.

The Mail seems to have lost interest in Glastonbury today, just finding space for some minor scuffle when somebody asked Wayne Rooney for an autograph. It's understandable he'd get annoyed if someone was cruel enough to ask him to write.

For the Telegraph, it's still the U2 set which is occupying their thoughts. In particular, William Langley wants to know why we don't respect the tax-dodging, power-loving, environment-destroying hypocrites?

Bono and his men are currently on a tour of the US, and to reach deepest Somerset they had to fly in from Baltimore and straight back out again to Michigan. But instead of showing gratitude, many among the plastic poncho-clad crusties were still complaining about things like the group’s “brand image” as the rockers arrived on stage.

To be honest, William, if you're on a massive tour of the US leaping from East Lansing to Miami as a matter of course, a detour to Bristol isn't that much of a journey out your way.

And the Glastonbury audience as "poncho-clad crusties"? Have you seen a shot of the crowd there that dates from any time after 1994?

Langley then runs through the grounds for objecting to U2's behaviour, before... well, petering out. It seems even Langley can't find any rousing conclusion as to how we're treating them unfairly, edging out with:

Glastonbury was fortunate to see the best of them. Even if some in the crowd would have preferred not to see them at all.

As one of the comments under his work points out, rather than constructing an argument that U2 are undervalued, Langley merely says 'some people don't like U2 much', which isn't really a revelation.

The Observer has had lots of letters, and one of them is about the Pilton Pop festival:

The Glastonbury festival is a feudal dictatorship with no trade union support for the workers, the equality levels of pre-revolutionary France and a private unaccountable security force. It's the modern equivalent of bread and circuses, with the green footprint of a small, coal-fuelled power station. The fresh air's quite nice, though.

The writer, David Trippas, gives his address as "Birmingham", but it's quite possible he sent that from an iPhone shortly after having asked Wayne Rooney for an autograph.

Duffy has had enough-fy

The frankly rotten sales of her second album have sent Duffy to a dark place, reckons the Sunday Mirror, which claims a friend says she's thinking of giving it all up:

A pal of the Welsh warbler reveals: “She’s really down about the last ­album, Endlessly.

“It didn’t sell well and charted terribly and she isn’t trying again and making a comeback.

“She wants to have a quiet life and start over. Duffy made a truckload of cash with the first album and through her endorsements with Diet Coke, so she’s ­comfortable and able to enjoy some down-time. She’s not got management right now and has met a few people about taking over. But she’s just not interested."

It's surprising quite how badly the second coming of Duffy went - Well Well Well, the first single off Endlessly, stalled outside the top 40; Endlessly did make it to the top ten - just - but doesn't even appear to have gone Gold yet in the UK.

The suspicion has to be that she was a highly-weaponised delivery system for Bernard Butler's work, and once she struck out on her own, she has found the world a colder place. To be fair to her, she was always going to struggle to find something that was going to outrun Mercy - still the number one choice for cereal adverts and unthreatening faux-edgy restaurant dining room music.

Cheryl Cole: Make your mind up, Sunday Mirror

So, Dean Piper, did Cheryl Cole "pull out", like the headline claims, or did she "come close to pulling out" as the story says?

Answer: she came close to. But 'woman catches later plane to well-paid job' is a less eye-catching headline.

Prince declares internet 'over'; Google announces plans to power down

Yes, as he prepares to release his next album exclusively through the Sunday Mirror, Prince has declared the internet to be at an end:

He explains that he decided the album will be released in CD format only in the Mirror. There'll be no downloads anywhere in the world because of his ongoing battles against internet abuses.

Unlike most other rock stars, he has banned YouTube and iTunes from using any of his music and has even closed down his own official website.

He says: "The internet's completely over. I don't see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else. They won't pay me an advance for it and then they get angry when they can't get it.

Not entirely sure iTunes gets angry when they don't get the new Prince album - it's a bit like believing that a butchers' would be annoyed if they didn't get first dibs on a hedgehog roadkill.

Prince seems to be the angry one here - why won't someone else pay me to make a record upfront? - but it's touching that he believes him not putting a record on the net constitutes an effective end to the whole business.

As if there's someone in an office block with a polished brass sign outside saying 'The Internet', sucking a thoughtful tooth and saying 'well, we managed to rub on by without The Beatles, but if we can't guarantee late-period Prince, I don't think there's much point in us going on. Timmy, you go and unplug the computer; I'll ring the naked ladies and tell them we don't need any more pictures.'

Before the internet finishes, though, Prince has a couple more thoughts:

"The internet's like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated.

The internet isn't like MTV, though, is it? That's a bit like saying, I don't know, Prince is like silent movies or something. Confusing a medium with a channel.

"Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good.

"They just fill your head with numbers and that can't be good for you."

It's possible that Prince has made a terrible mistake and stuck his iPod headphones into his calculator. Is he worried about digital music being numbers? But then why would he be releasing CDs?

Still, let's not be too quick to rubbish Prince's grasp of what's popular and what it isn't. He is, after all, distributing his new album through the Sunday Mirror next week. Who could deny his understanding of the modern media market?

Darkness at 3AM: Mirror gets the scoop of the century

Prepare for a shock from the Sunday Mirror:

Country singer Willie Nelson reveals he regularly smokes dope

I know. Legendary pot-head, known for campaigning for the legalisation of marijuana, busted for cannabis on his tour bus actually smokes the stuff? I'd always assumed he was using the hemp to weave tote bags.

Awful concepts for TV programmes: Meg On The Dole

Can you imagine a crazy world in which Meg Matthews had no job?

Actually, yes, because she's not really ever had a job, has she? So the stretch for BBC One's Famous, Rich And Jobless isn't so very great.

The programme is one of those well-meaning but fundamentally flawed programmes which take rich people and ask them to play at being poor for a few days. It's like saying "close your eyes to find out what being blind is like"; a programme which told some of the long-term unemployed that there's going to be car coming at the end of the week to take them off to a life of never having to worry about cash again. I'm sure even the second generation unemployed could mumble to sort of platitudes that Meg and co will come up with.

In fact, Meg has given the Sunday Mirror a preview of what those platitudes will be:

"This was one of the most challenging things I have ever done and made me realise a lot about life," said Meg, 43, who is now an interior designer and engaged to art professor Peter Siddell, 49. "I know I am privileged. I can give my daughter a good upbringing and I don't have the worries a lot of people have.

"I have never taken anything for granted, but now if I look in the mirror and think 'does my bum look fat?' I realise how shallow it seems."

The unemployed, you see, are too busy being unemployed to give a hoot how they look. You'd never see someone living on benefits feeling like they might be out of shape. Caring about not being fat is a rich person's privilege.

Meg says: "Unemployed people are not lazy, sitting round on their arses. Being jobless affects your self-esteem and you have to find a way to carry on."

Having a woman who... what is it you do for a living again, Meg?... having a woman who does that pat you on your head. That'll do wonders for your self-esteem.

If only all the unemployed could be kept as adoring pets for Meg Matthews, eh?

"I have been through the whole rehab thing, for depression," she admits. "I can understand how some people who have not got a job can get drawn into that cycle. You find things to fill the void, be it drink or drugs. I had seven years with Brit Pop, seven years with Noel, the sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll.

"When I hit 40 I went into a depression. I had the massive house, the Porsche, great clothes, but I didn't have someone to hug. I'd give it all away to have that relationship."

Mmm. You'd be surprised how many people living in Anfield have tried to the fill the void of only getting a few million in the divorce settlement by boozing, and then nipping off to rehab for an I Feel Sad holiday. Happened all the time.

Meg says her time on the show has made her change the way she lives. She has slashed her weekly supermarket bill, and adds: "We go round turning off lights and don't waste water."

Pssst... Meg, that's meant to be your 'it's changed my life' smugline for 'Famous And Trapped On A Melting Glacier: Celebrities live the climate change life of a polar bear'.

I made Lady GaGa

No, not me. I didn't. But it seems like I'm the only person in the world who isn't claiming responsibility for her existence. In just the last week, with varying degrees of credibility, The Sun, Akon and Cat Deeley all tried to suggest that, without them, she'd just be a crazy woman with a glitterball sellotaped to her head.

The Sunday Mirror has a stronger 'I made her' claim, from "her friend and mentor" Lady Starlight:

"I was the one who told her to take her trousers off because I rarely wore any myself."

If telling women to take their trousers is now mentoring, there's several people living under court orders who should instead be hailed as motivational speakers.

It's nice to see Starlight getting her position in the star, erm, limelight. But isn't the real answer to 'who made GaGa' whoever looked at Peaches and calibrated how far down her shtick would have to be toned in order to work for a mass audience? Or possibly a flipchart somewhere with the words "Bjork PLUS Madonna = $$$" on it?

Liam Gallagher living in a hut in the woods

The Sunday Mirror seems to find it incredible that Liam Gallagher has been on a CenterParcs holiday.

Man with seven year-old child goes on family holiday shock.

One guest at the park said: “He’s not the type of person you’d ­expect to see at ­Center Parcs! You don’t get a lot of guitar-smashing and fist-fighting here."

But then the sort of people you - presumably - would expect to see at CenterParcs wouldn't be doing their day job, would they? "Fancy seeing an AA Patrol man here - you don't get many broken down Fiat Pandas needing their radiators topped up round these parts." "I can't believe there's a checkout operator staying at CenterParcs... you don't get a lot of three-for-two offers on chocolate biscuits not ringing up correctly and requiring a supervisor to come and turn a key so that the transaction can be voided..."

Gordon in the morning: 'Sick' Gately stories condemned, repeated

Yesterday's Sunday Mirror ran a long, lurid, paid-for interview with a Bulgarian "model" who claimed to have been at Stephen Gately's house the night he died.

Gordon (or, in this case, Jennifer O'Brien) wastes no time in slapping down the rival paper. How could they?

BOYZONE last night blasted a gay model who sold sex secrets about the last hours of their bandmate STEPHEN GATELY.

To their fury, it came on the day they played at a memorial concert for their pal.

O'Brien then goes on to, erm, trot out the whole lurid bunch of claims again. Just, you know, so that you can see how sick and lurid they are.

Winehouse: Whole new ways to cry for help

Dean Piper, writing in today's Sunday Mirror, seems to grasp that Amy Winehouse's newfound embrace of the scalpel is an extension of her previous love of the pipe:

Once an addict, always an addict. And now it seems Amy Winehouse is battling a new addiction – plastic surgery.

So, does Piper approach the story delicately, or like a set of new punchlines in waiting?

I can reveal that just weeks after she pumped up her boobies from a 32B to a 32D she’s booking herself to go back under the knife – this time to sort out her beak.

Ha ha ha; she's addicted.

Is it a good idea for a singer with a distinctive voice to have her nose hacked about?

Gary says no to Robbie... at least in public

Despite the cheerleading for a full-five reunion of Take That from Gordon Smart, it seems that in the cussed fact-based real world it's no nearer happening. Or at least, as the Sunday Mirror puts it:

Asked if they had any Robbie reunion plans, he said: “The answer is no. That’s it. Nothing’s changed on that front.

“We are a happy band at the moment.”

Gary sets the record straight on tonight’s Chris Moyles Quiz Night on Channel 4.

Of course, if they were going to make a major announcement, it's unlikely that Barlow would tell Chris Moyles on a gameshow nobody is watching before he told anyone else, is it? "Actually, we'd booked the O2 for a big press conference, and Robbie was going to come on with a realistic Jason Orange mask and rip it off and say 'surprise' and there would have been some fireworks before we made seat available at all prices, but screw that - yeah, we're doing some dates..."

Showbiz Zoe Dean

Showbiz Zoe, who is now merely Pursuing Other Exciting Opportunities Zoe, has had her vacant former position filled. Stepping in, it seems, will be a chap called Dean Piper.

Dean "is currently Entertainment Editor at Closer magazine, and begins his new position in May."

It must be rewarding for Zoe to know that she's going to be so missed by the Mirror that they're rushing to get someone to pick up her work with such almost unseemly haste. Presumably Closer just can't bear to part with him.

[Thanks to Sarah D]

Nobiz Zoe

Not only are we pinching James P's email, but we've even lifted his headline for the news that Zoe Griffin has quit the Sunday Mirror:

No word on where she's going; Maybe to pursue a career in an area of the media where there's less chance of being physically assaulted by an Osbourne. Which I think leaves 'Speaking Clock' and 'Putting Up the Small-Ad Postcards in Somerfield'.

Zoe had billed herself as the "youngest, hottest" gossip columnist, which was untrue even before the younger Dan Wootton started at the News of the World. Seasoned readers of the Sunday Mirror had noticed that Zoe's profile had slipped somewhat recently, to the extent that she even had difficulty getting her resignation letter printed.

Showbiz Zoe travels round London

In the blurb promoting Showbiz Zoe's Sunday Mirror story claiming that Paris Hilton in moving into Camden, the teaser says:

Paris buys a £2million pad in London's seedy Camden

Leaving aside using "London's" with a straight face, did anyone at all stop for even half a second and wonder how you could sell a two million pound property in a seedy neighbourhood?

The £2million townhouse is also within walking distance of pads owned by Girls Aloud singer Sarah Harding, cool comedians Noel Fielding and Leigh Francis, and Blur’s Graham Coxon.

Oh yes. Actually, you are making the area sound a bit seedy now.

X Factor: Sunday Mirror reporting live from the fantasy dome

Nobody, surely, from the "band" themselves, through Louis Walsh, to the Sunday Mirror believes for a single second that Louis and Michael Jackson are going to meet "in Ireland" to discuss X Factor rootveg JLS supporting Jacko on a tour that doesn't really exist.

So why is the paper even bothering to run the tale? They might as well add in that some unicorns have had telephones installed inside their Atlantis hidey-hole to allow them to vote for JLS, or that Dannii Minogue's skin is the same one she was born with.

Louis told us: "It's fantastic news for JLS.

"I hear Michael had been looking around for some fresh young talent for a long time.

"If talks go well then going on tour with Michael would be an amazing opportunity for JLS."

Well, we've all heard that Michael enjoys scouting round for fresh young talent, but nothing was ever proven in court, Louis, so you'd better watch what you're saying.

Given that Jackson doesn't have a flat in Granadaland, the whole story might be in danger of collapsing, so a "source" is shuttled in to try and explain how Michael might even have been made of aware of the lets-call-them-a-band-shall-we?:

"Having a potential tour with Michael Jackson isn't going to take any pressure off - it has just motivated them to push on and win the competition.

"Michael has been an avid fan of the X Factor since the beginning.

"He loves musical themed reality shows and keeps up with it on the internet."

Really? But since ITV doesn't - indeed, mustn't - broadcast its stream internationally, you must be trying to claim he's looked them up on YouTube rather than hoping we'll believe he somehow watches the programme as its going out, right? You wouldn't want to stretch a palpably false story too thinly by conjuring up the image of Jacko switching on for Harry Hill's TV Burp and then staying put for the rest of the evening, would you? I mean, that would really be treating us with some contempt.

Oh:

"When JLS came on, he was immediately drawn to them because he said they reminded him of a young Jackson 5.

"They would be a perfect warm up act for the UK dates of his tour.

Of course, it's true they'd be perfect - they're a made-up band who don't really exist, and the tour is exactly the same. Perfect match.

Given that there isn't a tour for the band to not support him on, the 'source' suddenly gets quite cagey. Hey, nobody is saying this going to happen, you know:

"Michael can, and has changed his mind about touring for the last couple of years.

"But if he follows through with his word this time, JLS could be catapulted into the spotlight all over the world."

What 'word', exactly? He hasn't promised anything to anybody on this occasion. There's more than enough reasons to attack Jackson - breaking a non-existent promise to take a bunch of game-show gumballs on a non-existent tour isn't one of them.

Madonna divorce: The deleted scenes

According to The Sunday Mirror, the breaking point in the Madonna-that bloke divorce came when he rebuffed her investment in his career:

Exclusive: Madonna wants money invested in Guy Ritchie film back

The singer handed over the cash for him to make a film but was furious when he announced he was suspending the project because of his troubled relationship and she demanded the money back.

Surely nobody in their right minds invests in a Guy Ritchie film expecting their money back?

Although, according to the News Of The World, the breaking point was because Madonna spent so much time exercising the couple haven't had sex for eighteen months:

And on the rare occasions when they did make love, he has told pals it was like “cuddling up to a piece of gristle”.

Having said that, though, the Mail On Sunday confidently informs its readers that, rather than a film investment or no gristle-like sex, it was religion which did for them:

Madonna's obsession with the Jewish-based faith is said to have been the final nail in the coffin of her marriage. Guy is still a follower, but feels his wife made it a circus.

'Guy has actually come out all the better for his commitment to Kabbalah,' a close friend said.

'He has found peace. For Madonna, Kabbalah is about having her own cult. He thinks she follows it for all the wrong reasons.

You could almost get the impression reading the UK press that nobody really knows what happens inside a marriage to bring it to its final act. But that probably wouldn't fill a paper half as interestingly.