X Factor: Sunday Mirror reporting live from the fantasy dome

Nobody, surely, from the "band" themselves, through Louis Walsh, to the Sunday Mirror believes for a single second that Louis and Michael Jackson are going to meet "in Ireland" to discuss X Factor rootveg JLS supporting Jacko on a tour that doesn't really exist.

So why is the paper even bothering to run the tale? They might as well add in that some unicorns have had telephones installed inside their Atlantis hidey-hole to allow them to vote for JLS, or that Dannii Minogue's skin is the same one she was born with.

Louis told us: "It's fantastic news for JLS.

"I hear Michael had been looking around for some fresh young talent for a long time.

"If talks go well then going on tour with Michael would be an amazing opportunity for JLS."

Well, we've all heard that Michael enjoys scouting round for fresh young talent, but nothing was ever proven in court, Louis, so you'd better watch what you're saying.

Given that Jackson doesn't have a flat in Granadaland, the whole story might be in danger of collapsing, so a "source" is shuttled in to try and explain how Michael might even have been made of aware of the lets-call-them-a-band-shall-we?:

"Having a potential tour with Michael Jackson isn't going to take any pressure off - it has just motivated them to push on and win the competition.

"Michael has been an avid fan of the X Factor since the beginning.

"He loves musical themed reality shows and keeps up with it on the internet."

Really? But since ITV doesn't - indeed, mustn't - broadcast its stream internationally, you must be trying to claim he's looked them up on YouTube rather than hoping we'll believe he somehow watches the programme as its going out, right? You wouldn't want to stretch a palpably false story too thinly by conjuring up the image of Jacko switching on for Harry Hill's TV Burp and then staying put for the rest of the evening, would you? I mean, that would really be treating us with some contempt.

Oh:

"When JLS came on, he was immediately drawn to them because he said they reminded him of a young Jackson 5.

"They would be a perfect warm up act for the UK dates of his tour.

Of course, it's true they'd be perfect - they're a made-up band who don't really exist, and the tour is exactly the same. Perfect match.

Given that there isn't a tour for the band to not support him on, the 'source' suddenly gets quite cagey. Hey, nobody is saying this going to happen, you know:

"Michael can, and has changed his mind about touring for the last couple of years.

"But if he follows through with his word this time, JLS could be catapulted into the spotlight all over the world."

What 'word', exactly? He hasn't promised anything to anybody on this occasion. There's more than enough reasons to attack Jackson - breaking a non-existent promise to take a bunch of game-show gumballs on a non-existent tour isn't one of them.