Mills was assaulted - verdict

Brighton Magistrates have found Jay Kaycappa guilty of assaulting Heather Mills in a city underpass last July. The Evening Argus reports:

Father of three Kaycappa, of The Hurdles, Fareham, Hampshire, was also convicted of assaulting Ms Mills-McCartney's friend Mark Payne the following evening.

The freelance photographer shook his head in the dock after magistrates convicted him of both assault charges.

In other news that will bring a glow to Heather's cheeks, BBC One is planning to pad out its lighter schedules this summer by lobbing out the last series of Dancing With The Stars on Sunday afternoons. We hope that someone explains to Victoria Newton that it's not live, otherwise we'll be in for 'get Mucca out' headlines for the next few weeks.

This is a news story, apparently

The Sun - who, we notice, have tried to quietly drop the "Remember Madeline" yellow ribbon from their masthead this morning - have run woman wears dress as a news story:

MONEY-GRABBING Heather Mills shows some front — despite being kicked off the US answer to Strictly Come Dancing.

Mucca, 39, flashed her cleavage in a low-cut frock as she returned to Hollywood for a reunion party of the Dancing With The Stars competitors.

And, erm, that's it. Now, we've got no great love for Heather Mills, but this is just pure spite - even down the implication that there's something immoral about going on the season-end show reuniting the contestants of a programme because she was "kicked out" - i.e. voted off, like all the others. Odd that the paper doesn't find room to make mention of her credible, half-way position, especially when it clashed with their pre-programme claims that she'd be humiliated in the very first week.

Victoria Newton Without Pity

The remorseless demands of The Sun production schedule has finally given Victoria the chance to provide the all important coverage of Heather Mills' exit from Dancing With The Stars:

AT last American viewers have seen sense and booted LADY MUCCA off Dancing With The Stars.

Are you suggesting, Victoria, that five weeks in, the American public suddenly went - en masse "Woah... that's the lady who has been mean to Paul McCartney... pass me the phone, Ethel"? Or rather than "seeing sense" and "booting her off", all that's happened is that someone in a competition where people are voted off one-by-one has only made it through to the middle of the series?

SIR PAUL McCARTNEY’s estranged wife was voted off the reality TV show after a poor performance with dance partner Jonathan Roberts.

So, rather than "seeing sense" and "booting her off", erm, actually she was eliminated because she wasn't very good this week?

Heather then stunned the presenters, viewers — and her dance partner — by pulling out a ready-prepared speech from her sequined costume.

Mills doesn't help herself much, does she?

The presenters struggled to get a word in edgeways as Mucca reeled off a long list of thank-yous and demanded viewers go vegan for a day and “change the world”.

Mills really doesn't help herself much.

She fled America in a strop, snubbing a top chat show. TV comic Jimmy Kimmel who had lined Heather up as star guest, told viewers she had gone home, adding: “She hates America.”

As, you know, one of those joke things, we imagine. Although Heather wasn't "a star guest" - she was billed as "fifth eliminated celebrity from Dancing with the Stars." We hope for her sake that the appearance on Kimmel wasn't written into her Stars contract.

She could have met Iggy Pop if she'd gone on. Maybe they'd have even hit it off.

He then ridiculed Macca’s ex — dubbed Lady Mucca due to her porn past — with a spoof montage of her dance moves.

"Dubbed Lady Mucca" by, erm, Victoria and nobody else in the entire world, of course. Newton then details Kimmel's rather weak sketch (woodpeckers attacking Heather's prosthetic leg, that sort of thing) which, of course, must have been prepared in advance of the show knowing that Mills was (a) the one voted off this week and (b) wasn't going to appear, so would have been conceived in the spirit of "good-natured joshing" rather than "ridicule".

In a final clip, the charity campaigner’s leg flew off mid-dance — smacking an audience member in the face.

Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.

We're not quite sure if Newton is saying that about the audience member being hit by the leg, Mills not appearing on Kimmel, or Mills being voted off, but the motivation is secondary. A journalist on a national newspaper has just filed copy which ends with "good riddance to bad rubbish, I say". Where do you go from there, Newton? Should the Sun's subs be checking the correct spelling of "nyaah nyaah ni-nyaah nyaah"? Are you going to have an alternative photo byline with you sticking your tongue out? The next time one of your exclusives turns out to be built on sand, you could end it with "and then I woke up and it was all a dream."

And then I woke up, and it was all too horribly real.

Mills out

Presumably The Sun will seize on this after Victoria's got in to work: Heather Mills was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night. A good, solid mid-season result for Millsy, of course: disproving the Murdoch press and its claims that she's hated more than most mass-murderers, but she was never going to win it.

As ever on these occasions (like when Yoko Ono lost the Showcase Showdown, and Barbara Bach's peach melba failed to impress Lloyd Grossman) we turn to Viacom's Television Without Pity:

Please let it be Heather. Please let it be Heather. It's time for the reveal, and they're getting right to it. And the loser is...Heather and Jonathan! Yay! The audience sounds sort of surprised and makes that "Whoo" noise that kids used to make in the elementary school cafeteria when someone spilled a carton of milk and then the cool thing to do was ask, "Where's the fire?" And for some reason, our ritual was to repeat a line from a popular television commercial for a local convenience store to answer that question: "Just around the corner, all around the clock." Kids are freaking weird.

Anyway, Heather brought a farewell speech written out. Where was she hiding that thing? In her bosom? I just rewound to check, and I think she really did. That's classy. Heather manages to blame their loss on Carrie Ann giving them a seven, and she explains that they knew they would be eliminated because they got low scores. I guess it never occurred to her that they might be eliminated because they didn't dance that well. Tom picks up on it and asks if it's Carrie Ann's fault, and Heather pretty much says yes. Heather points out that Jonathan won't get paid anymore, now that she's been eliminated. I heard that Heather might be coming into some big money soon, so she could always help a brother out. God, she's such a negative person. Heather urges us all to avoid eating meat, and Samantha and Tom try to get her to shut her trap for a minute so they can move on. They don't make Heather and Jonathan dance us out, and instead, everyone comes down and hugs them, which is probably for the best. See you next week!

We wonder if Heather had had a speech prepared every week. Mind you, someone should speak to Jonathan's agent - he should cut a deal for the whole season, regardless of who he gets lumped in with.

Now, Heather can get back to her day jo... oh, hang on...

Plane spotting

Having predicted that the American public would crush Heather Mills' Dancing With The Stars ambitions at the first vote - and having got it so incredibly wrong - The Sun is now struggling to find any signs that America might not have taken her to their hearts in defiance of the strict 'Heather bad; Paul good' party line.

Today? Apparently Heather was "humiliated" when nobody applauded after she filmed a drop-in bit on a Virgin Atlantic jet:

The Virgin jet’s captain announced they would be performing — but at the end not one person clapped.

One passenger said: “It was totally embarrassing for everyone concerned and all a bit shambolic.” Virgin said: “It was not our captain’s idea.”

The weakness of that Virgin quote - which sounds like a bemused press spokesperson trying to work out if a national newspaper is really asking them why nobody applauded a stunt being filmed for a TV programme on its plane - suggests that there wasn't very much there to begin with.

Of course they didn't applaud. Would you clap if there was a show-off on your plane doing some work? Almost certainly not. And - just in case that the piece's writer Thomas Whittaker has never been on an aeroplane - someone should point out to him you wouldn't really be able to do ballroom on a plane. Even if First Class.

We don't believe this one

The Sun's report on Victoria Beckham being lined up for Dancing With The Stars is so stinking of fish, even the paper's sister website Sky Showbiz is holding its nose as it repeats the story:

A source told The Sun: "We are halfway through the series and it has been massive. A lot is down to Heather.

"We really want Victoria. She's not very popular right now, like Heather wasn't. That's why she'd be perfect.

"Also, she might get pals like Tom Cruise and Jennifer Lopez to watch her."

In an eight paragraph story, Sky Showbiz mentions that it's only saying what the Sun said three times - it might as well have included an animated gif of Jimmy Hill rubbing his chin and going "RECK-onnnn".

Leaving aside why they'd be casting for dancers to join half-way through, and the pain of the phrase 'she's not very popular right now, like Heather wasn't', and wonder about someone working in TV in America suggesting that Victoria Beckham is "unpopular" (on the scale of the hated Heather Mills or not) rather than "nothing."

Still - Tom Cruise and J-Lo in the audience. That's less Dancing With The Stars than Staring Up Desperately Believing That Some Sort Of Uber-god Is Coming From The Stars.

How... surprising

So, how did the Sun explain its persistent and insistent claims that Mills would be kicked off Dancing With The Stars being totally wrong?

By pretending that it never said anything: it just reports that Heather is surprised:

HEATHER Mills is surprised by the positive reaction to her display on Dancing With The Stars.

Not, we presume, as surprised as anyone who relies on The Sun for their window onto the world.

The headline, by the way, is perhaps one of the most confused things we've seen in a while, all on its own:

Lady Mucca backed by fans

They give her a title, but then use the mocking nickname (albeit one which the paper's perseverance with just makes them look stupid) and then suggest the woman who they've spent six months claiming to be some sort of unloved pariah has "fans" enough to help her do well in a US-wide phone-in.

Dancing with the... ahs.

The Sun was delighted when Heather Mills took a job on Dancing With The Stars. The public, Emily Smith and Emily Cox were certain, were preparing to give her a bloody nose:

HEATHER Mills is favourite to get booted off US show Dancing with the Stars BEFORE she has even performed — because she is so hated.

Sir Paul McCartney’s estranged wife was hoping to win new fans by appearing on the US version of Strictly Come Dancing.

But Mills is ODDS ON at 5-6 to be the first to go and is the 50-1 rank outsider to win, according to Ladbrokes.

A spokesman said: “Regardless of how well Heather can dance, she’s public enemy number one.”

Blimey, that's definitive.

That was March 14th; a week later, Victoria Newton joined in, readying her knitting as she waited for the tumbrils:

America says: Get lost, Mucca

AMERICAN viewers have told HEATHER MILLS to Foxtrot Oscar after her first appearance on a celebrity ballroom TV show.

Heather agreed to appear on Dancing With The Stars in a bid to win over the US public after becoming one of Britain’s most hated women following her split from SIR PAUL McCARTNEY.

But the plan has backfired already.

While viewers of the US version of Strictly Come Dancing have not yet had the chance to kick her off the show — the first elimination is next week — they have been letting rip with a barrage of scathing comments.

And now there's been a public vote, by now Mills must have been dumped out on the street round the back of the ABC studios, right?

Erm... not exactly. E! Online reports:

Paulina Porizkova became the first contestant voted off Dancing With the Stars on Tuesday night's results show, taking partner and season one winner Alec Mazo with her.

Doubtless The Sun will be first with this news tomorrow.

That's no lady, that was Paul's wife

This morning's Sun seems surprised that Heather Mills is appearing on Dancing With The Stars as, well, Heather Mills:

LADY HEATHER McCARTNEY has dropped her title as she launches a TV career in America.

Mucca, 39, signed up for Dancing With The Stars, the US version of Strictly Come Dancing — but insisted on appearing only under her former name Heather Mills.

(Yes, they're still clinging to the "Mucca" nickname. Let it go now, please.)

Maybe the paper has missed that bitter divorce battle?

They're convinced she's up to something, and have discovered a "source" to explain it all:

“Legally, Sir Paul can’t stop Heather from using his name. She is entitled to call herself Lady until the day they divorce.

“But Heather is calculating. If she used Paul’s name to earn money, he could claim that half of it was thanks to him.”

Maybe. Or, erm, maybe she's divorcing Paul and doesn't want to be appearing under his name.

After all, The Sun has long since dropped the "Lady" and "McCartney" from most reports about her:
Heather 'a liar and cheat' By GIOVANNA IOZZI -

HEATHER MILLS found fame and riches beyond belief when she became Mrs Paul McCartney.

Heather Mills: Macca beat me up By TONY BONNICI October 18, 2006 -

SIR Paul McCartney has been accused of beating up his estranged wife Heather Mills.

The astonishing claim — which Macca is expected to furiously deny in court — comes in papers lodged by Heather’s divorce lawyers.

Mucca is a bloody LIAR By RICHARD WHITE CLODAGH HARTLEY and ALEX PEAKE October 25, 2006

HEATHER Mills last night threatened to sue The Sun — as supermodel Kate Moss became the latest to expose her as a LIAR.

... and so on, and so on. But perhaps she's up to something when she makes the Sun drop her title and Paul's surname when it writes about her.

Heather Mills attempts to please people with her twirls

The pledged motivation for Heather Mills' appearance on Dancing With The Stars is simple:

Her spokesman Phil Hall told the BBC News website: "She's doing it because she loves dancing, always has, enjoys a challenge and sees this as a combination of both.

Her participation was "nothing to do with the money", he added. "It's just to do with the challenge and fun of it."

Well, that, we imagine, and the desperate hope that it'll make people like her a little bit more. And the money.

Let's hope it's not as terrible as her last major appearance on US TV, when she sat in for Larry King. There are still an estimated five thousand Americans still hiding from that programme behind their sofas.