Victoria Newton Without Pity

The remorseless demands of The Sun production schedule has finally given Victoria the chance to provide the all important coverage of Heather Mills' exit from Dancing With The Stars:

AT last American viewers have seen sense and booted LADY MUCCA off Dancing With The Stars.

Are you suggesting, Victoria, that five weeks in, the American public suddenly went - en masse "Woah... that's the lady who has been mean to Paul McCartney... pass me the phone, Ethel"? Or rather than "seeing sense" and "booting her off", all that's happened is that someone in a competition where people are voted off one-by-one has only made it through to the middle of the series?

SIR PAUL McCARTNEY’s estranged wife was voted off the reality TV show after a poor performance with dance partner Jonathan Roberts.

So, rather than "seeing sense" and "booting her off", erm, actually she was eliminated because she wasn't very good this week?

Heather then stunned the presenters, viewers — and her dance partner — by pulling out a ready-prepared speech from her sequined costume.

Mills doesn't help herself much, does she?

The presenters struggled to get a word in edgeways as Mucca reeled off a long list of thank-yous and demanded viewers go vegan for a day and “change the world”.

Mills really doesn't help herself much.

She fled America in a strop, snubbing a top chat show. TV comic Jimmy Kimmel who had lined Heather up as star guest, told viewers she had gone home, adding: “She hates America.”

As, you know, one of those joke things, we imagine. Although Heather wasn't "a star guest" - she was billed as "fifth eliminated celebrity from Dancing with the Stars." We hope for her sake that the appearance on Kimmel wasn't written into her Stars contract.

She could have met Iggy Pop if she'd gone on. Maybe they'd have even hit it off.

He then ridiculed Macca’s ex — dubbed Lady Mucca due to her porn past — with a spoof montage of her dance moves.

"Dubbed Lady Mucca" by, erm, Victoria and nobody else in the entire world, of course. Newton then details Kimmel's rather weak sketch (woodpeckers attacking Heather's prosthetic leg, that sort of thing) which, of course, must have been prepared in advance of the show knowing that Mills was (a) the one voted off this week and (b) wasn't going to appear, so would have been conceived in the spirit of "good-natured joshing" rather than "ridicule".

In a final clip, the charity campaigner’s leg flew off mid-dance — smacking an audience member in the face.

Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.

We're not quite sure if Newton is saying that about the audience member being hit by the leg, Mills not appearing on Kimmel, or Mills being voted off, but the motivation is secondary. A journalist on a national newspaper has just filed copy which ends with "good riddance to bad rubbish, I say". Where do you go from there, Newton? Should the Sun's subs be checking the correct spelling of "nyaah nyaah ni-nyaah nyaah"? Are you going to have an alternative photo byline with you sticking your tongue out? The next time one of your exclusives turns out to be built on sand, you could end it with "and then I woke up and it was all a dream."

And then I woke up, and it was all too horribly real.