Mills out

Presumably The Sun will seize on this after Victoria's got in to work: Heather Mills was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night. A good, solid mid-season result for Millsy, of course: disproving the Murdoch press and its claims that she's hated more than most mass-murderers, but she was never going to win it.

As ever on these occasions (like when Yoko Ono lost the Showcase Showdown, and Barbara Bach's peach melba failed to impress Lloyd Grossman) we turn to Viacom's Television Without Pity:

Please let it be Heather. Please let it be Heather. It's time for the reveal, and they're getting right to it. And the loser is...Heather and Jonathan! Yay! The audience sounds sort of surprised and makes that "Whoo" noise that kids used to make in the elementary school cafeteria when someone spilled a carton of milk and then the cool thing to do was ask, "Where's the fire?" And for some reason, our ritual was to repeat a line from a popular television commercial for a local convenience store to answer that question: "Just around the corner, all around the clock." Kids are freaking weird.

Anyway, Heather brought a farewell speech written out. Where was she hiding that thing? In her bosom? I just rewound to check, and I think she really did. That's classy. Heather manages to blame their loss on Carrie Ann giving them a seven, and she explains that they knew they would be eliminated because they got low scores. I guess it never occurred to her that they might be eliminated because they didn't dance that well. Tom picks up on it and asks if it's Carrie Ann's fault, and Heather pretty much says yes. Heather points out that Jonathan won't get paid anymore, now that she's been eliminated. I heard that Heather might be coming into some big money soon, so she could always help a brother out. God, she's such a negative person. Heather urges us all to avoid eating meat, and Samantha and Tom try to get her to shut her trap for a minute so they can move on. They don't make Heather and Jonathan dance us out, and instead, everyone comes down and hugs them, which is probably for the best. See you next week!

We wonder if Heather had had a speech prepared every week. Mind you, someone should speak to Jonathan's agent - he should cut a deal for the whole season, regardless of who he gets lumped in with.

Now, Heather can get back to her day jo... oh, hang on...