Gordon in the morning: Something to celebrate

If you wish you had something to celebrate like the way cricket fans are celebrating, you could try Gordon's pages this morning:

No more UK Oasis gigs after band pull out of fest

Wow. Gordon is close to Oasis - or, rather, hangs around them a lot and often gets a mate to take a picture of him almost in focusing distance of Noel - so he really must know something to carry such a final headline. What do you know, Gordon?

IF you were one of the lucky punters at V Fest in Stafford on Saturday, you can now claim the honour of seeing the last ever OASIS gig on British soil.

Did the management tell you this? Was it something you overheard Noel saying?

The Manc legends pulled out of their headline slot at Chelmsford's V last night because frontman LIAM has been struck down with viral laryngitis.

Yes, yes, but why is it the end? Did Kasabian text you to tell you they've moved up place up the 'laddish live' league ladder?

The lads still have a few European tour dates left to play, but...

There's a but?

unless someone offers them silly money to take the stage once more in Britain then I can't see them performing together again.

Ah... so Gordon's big, eyecatching story is something that he's guessing?

Smart doesn't even bother to make up a source or a pal, but just mentions that Noel and Liam don't get on. A dangerous state of affairs for a band, albeit one that they've managed to scrape by under for over a decade.

Were you a betting man, you might consider that Gordon had intended to flood this space with guff about what a brilliant time he had backstage hanging out with Oasis and had to scrabble about to fill the space with something, anything.

Stars tell us what they think about Oasis pulling out of gig:

Anything at all, it turns out.

Actor STEPHEN GRAHAM said: "It's bad form. I can't believe it. I'm only at V to see them. I don't believe Liam lost his voice. It must've kicked off."

Yes you do; he was the bloke who was involved in that dodgy tobacco-selling scam with Steve McDonald.

But it's not just rising actors who Gordon canvassed. He, erm, even listened to the radio:

JAMES MORRISON told Absolute Radio: "Everyone's gonna be gutted. It's a shame, definitely, it'll be a big gap."

But is everyone going to be gutted? Gordon, Ben Bradlee would demand a second source to stack this one up.

HARRY POTTER star RUPERT GRINT said: "I'm gutted. I was looking forward to Oasis. It was going to be the highlight of my weekend."

Okay, everyone was gutted.

Still, even with Oasis sending the filling-in-a-page-of-newspaper industry into turmoil, Gordon had other work to do at Essex. Yes, even travelling out of the M25 doesn't spare him from his need to push JLS at us like they're mouldering fish and we're very, very hungry sealions:

PULLING machines JLS didn't play at V but still made their mark with the ladies there.

MARVIN HUMES has been bombarding PIXIE LOTT with flirty texts and the singer blushed when I quizzed her about it.

I don't know which members of Gordon's family Simon Cowell is holding, but

Gordon in the morning: Is Jackson giving an exclusive to the Mirror or something?

After a couple of weeks patting Michael Jackson on the head and treating him he like he was still the 1983 version of Michael Jackson, there's something of a surprising change of tone in Bizarre this morning. The news that Jackson has (supposedly) invited the cast of Harry Potter backstage gets a headline treatment:

Harry Potter And The Moonwalking Oddball

And, all of a sudden, Gordon's remembered that Jackson isn't the King Of Pop, but That Bloke Who Is Overfond Of Kiddies:

MICHAEL JACKSON has invited the young stars of the Harry Potter films to be access all areas guests at the opening night of his sellout summer shows.

Aren’t they a bit old for him?
[...]
But the three stars — who play Harry, Hermione and Ron — can leave their Nimbus 2000s at Hogwarts for a night on the Jesus Juice with Pop King Jacko.

They won’t even need to take Hagrid along to keep an eye on them now that they are all over 18.
[...]
He has always had an eye for a young acting star.

Nudge, nudge.

Not that Gordon is quite ready to march on the Millennium Dome with burning torches:

I’m still in two minds about Jacko’s return.

My gran — at 82-years-young — is more nimble than he is, although her moonwalk needs some work.

If he is fit enough to perform then the gigs will be the most memorable the O2 has seen since LED ZEPPELIN reformed for a one-off special last year.

But if I had a ticket for any night after the tenth date I’d have a letter ready asking for a refund... just in case.

Oh no... did he just say "82 years young"? Like he's a heartwarming amateur columnist on a local freesheet, or the morning host on a Gold station?

Gordon has got some bang-up-to-the-minute news, though, with his first sort-of Twitter story:

SCREEN beauty JENNIFER ANISTON dumped her boyfriend because he couldn’t keep his hands off Twitter, her pals revealed last night.

Rocker JOHN MAYER said he was too busy to return calls while Jennifer was away promoting her new film.

But Friends star Jen spotted he was updating his page of the networking site instead.

Although since Twittering is one of the ways artists help nurture their fanbase, isn't that like Mayer dropping Aniston for spending too much time acting?

Still, at least there's no danger of anyone dumping Goagsieman for over-enthusiastic updating of his Twitter stream.

Gordon in the morning: LA Ink

Does David Beckham really watch Prison Break, Gordon? Does he really?

DAVID BECKHAM’S tattoo addiction has struck again.

The LA Galaxy midfielder looks more and more like his hero, the heavily tattooed character Michael Scofield in US TV drama Prison Break.

Beckham's latest tattoo is a long one, suggesting that he's not got much else to do bar sit around having people write on him. This one means "death and life have determined appointments; riches and honour depend upon heaven", which is lovely, isn't it? It implies that he and his wife aren't obscenely rich because of a mixture of luck and talent, but because God wanted it so.

Gordon is worried that Beckham is getting too many tattoos:

I’ve got a Chinese/Scottish proverb for Becks — which he should keep in mind from now on.

Becks, who grew up in Chingford, could keep it on a Post-it note in his undercrackers for the next time he finds himself lying down for an inking.

It reads: “Essex geezer who has too many tattoos will regret the body ink when he gives up the footy and becomes a fat lad.”

We're not entirely sure why Gordon wants David to put this on a piece of paper down his knickers - surely a post-it in your underwear would imply it's stuck on your cock? What can it all mean?

Let's move on, to this wholesome Harry Potter story, shall we?

Quidditchy bum for Ron and Co

HARRY Potter star RUPERT GRINT says the cast need a magic potion — to soothe their NUMB BUMS.

It turns out this is about the problems of filming Quidditch scenes.

An interesting decision by the sorting hat

Rupert Grint, who apparently plays a wizard of some sort in children's movies, has hooked up with Katie Lewis out of Bonnie and Clyde. Or, to put it in tabloid terms:

POTTER STAR DATING DOHERTY'S EX-JUNKIE GIRLFRIEND

Actually, we don't think that quite means what Contact Music means - it implies that Grint is dating Moss; ex-junkie ex-girlfriend would be nearer the mark, although admittedly less elegant.