Pixie Lott: Won't do heroin, crack, cake or cat-boosters

Pixie Lott? HahahahahahwhatisshelikeissheonDRUGS?

No:

The 'All About Tonight' singer says she has no desire to experiment with illegal substances and just wants to concentrate on having fun when she goes out with her friends.

Of course, the minute heroin is legalised, it'll be different matter. But while it's illegal, it's out.

Now, I'm not a big fan of drugs, but am a bit bemused by the suggestion that they might interfere with your ability to "concentrate on having fun" - sure, a full-on heroin habit might be difficult to work around on a night out, but given that "recreational drug use" is a thing, it's not a universal truth. And I'm given to understand that at some pubs and clubs, it's actually easier to get drugs, which tend to be delivered to the table, than the more legal alcohol, for which one must schlepp across to a bar and queue.

Still, I think we know what she means.

Not so sure about this bit, though:

''I'm not going to pretend I'm some crazy reckless person. I'm just a normal 21-year-old, who likes to go out and have fun.

People say it's easy to get into drugs in this industry, but I don't think that's the case. Every kid sees it growing up but I think if I was going to do it, I would have by now. All my friends are the same as me.''

So she claims that it's not easy to get into drugs in the music industry - a claim that it would be easy to accept if you have never been backstage at any musical event for more than two minutes, or read anything about the music industry, or sniffed a chair that Pete Doherty has ever sat in.

The music industry isn't a place you'll find drugs sloshing about.

But apparently - "every kid sees it" - everywhere else is knee-deep in drugs.

So, by entering the musicv business, Pixie Lott has cut herself off from the risk of being given a cocaine quesadilla every time she leaves the house.

But as if we weren't already through the looking glass (upon which someone has chopped out a line), she then reveals that she's "a normal 21 year-old".

Which means, surely, that she's not like someone from the record business, where it's difficult to even find a bottle of Tipp-ex for a cheeky sniff, but like someone outside. Where everyone sees drugs all the time.

It's a good job she doesn't do drugs; god alone knows what she'd come up with if she was on the other side of the doors of perception.

Gordon in the morning: Pushing Pixie

I don't suppose anyone would object much to a marketing message for Pixie Lott's range of clothes being disguised as a news story on Gordon's pages, had it been disguised as a news story:

That’s a Lott of clothes now, Pixie

PIXIE Lott has released so many Lipsy clothing ranges, it's easy to forget she's a singer.

Here she is modelling two new designs for the store. It's a wonder she had time for upcoming second album Young Foolish Happy.

Hope she turns her hand to designing lingerie...

Now, obviously, it would be wonderful if she got a job stocking shelves of a branch of Peacocks and couldn't get time off to make any more records, but why didn't Gordon just go the full distance and merely list available sizes, prices and colours?

Elsewhere in The Sun, there's a straight-faced article which tries to float the idea that Gary Barlow is some sort of sex symbol, apparently not even noticing that his "beard" appears to be printed onto a sheet of plastic and attached to his chops.

Gordon in the morning: What exactly is he suggesting?

If I'm reading Gordon's writing underneath a Pixie Lott photo correctly, he seems to be suggesting that Lott charges people to look at her tits:

PIXIE Lott will have to give pyjamas like this a miss now her brother has moved in to be near his new job.

Before observing that her boyfriend spends time at the house as well, Gordon ends:

She could make a fortune if she started charging rent.

It might be that he just saying that she should charge her boyfriend and brother rent, but given that the focus of the piece is a massive cleavage shot, there's certainly an implication that the rental income might be tied to something other than the square footage of the spare room.

Pixie Lott is real, and cannot stress that often enough

Injection-moulded popstar Pixie Lott has been given some lines about how she's the real deal:

"The biggest misconception about me is that I'm a manufactured pop puppet," she told The Mail On Sunday. "I'm my own creation and I march to my own beat.

"I've been writing my own songs since I was 13 and I've accumulated hundreds of them. I've been working obsessively in the studio since my mid-teens."

In fact, to prove her point, she then repeated herself while her manager drank from a glass of milk. Enough to convince anybody.

The key point, obviously, isn't whether she is or isn't a construct - nearly all pop music is constructed - but if what results is worthwhile.

Let's not be cruel by carrying that point through, eh?

Pixie has more to say:

"One by one, my childhood dreams are coming true," she gushed. "As a kid I'd watch MTV and think how great it would be to have my own music videos on those shows. Now I turn on MTV and, along the bottom of the screen, it often reads, 'Coming next… Pixie Lott.' That's so strange that I can't even begin to make sense of it."

Yes, it is strange if they're trailing you as coming next on MTV. I had no idea that you were Sixteen And Pregnant.

Gordon in the morning: Shirty

You know how often Gordon doesn't bother with actually reporting, and just buys a magazine, copies out the most interesting bit and runs that as a story?

Bless him, he's struggled to find something in Pixie Lott's Company interview, despite it being so slight a piece it needs a large paperweight to stop it just floating off on a passing thermal.

So, what's the big reveal, Gordon?

When asked by Company mag what traits she avoids in men, she replied: "Anything too try-hard, like when a guy has his shirt unbuttoned all the way down so you can see too much chest.

"It's so in your face and just not what I'm into."

Yes, Smart takes that as enough to build a second lead on.

Gordon in the morning: JLS have a five year plan

Quite brave of JLS to come up with a five year plan - after all, when puberty kicks in they might change their minds.

Anyway, Gordon Smart - or the Official JLS News Agency, as his column has become - has the details:

JLS to Beat Again, again, again, again & again

Oh no - their mums are going to be so angry having to wash all those sticky sports socks. JLS are gonna be in big trouble.

Oh, it turns out that's not what they're planning:

Each November until 2015, the lads intend to release a new album and announce an arena tour for the following winter.

Let's hope they haven't already booked the MEN Arena for January 2016. I hear getting a deposit back on that place is a nightmare.

In other unlikely claims:

Pixie's A Lott Like Brigette Bardot

No. No, she isn't. Apparently, sitting in the same position as Bardot is enough to fool Smart into thinking they look alike.

Still, that's a clever headline. Lott. You see? Because it's her name, and it's a word that means "many" or "much". I can't think why Smart's not used that before.

Pixie’s getting Lotts of offers

Oh, he has.

Pixie’s Lotts of love but no sex

More than once, it turns out.

Pixie: I’m up for a Lott of awards
Pixie looks a Lott different
Pixie's throat hurts Lotts
Pixie has Lotts of fun on 19th
Pixie wears a Lott less in LA

Not that he's always quite so unsubtle:

Pixie has a lot of specs appeal

See? no extra 't' there, so you had to think about it. Hang on a moment, though... specs appeal? That... that sounds like...

Gordon in the morning: It is a bank holiday

Gordon's big scoop today? Pixie Lott wore a pair of glasses.

The singer, who went to London's Boujis nightclub on Boxing Day, had plenty of specs appeal as she left.

Oh, lord.

Lott on the backlot: Pixie goes to Hollywood

What next, after the talent-stretching pointless album? Why, how about a small role in an equally pointless movie?

Yes, Pixie Lott is heading towards Hollywood:

In an exclusive interview, the 18-year-old Essex girl told the News of the World: "It's really exciting - it's great that my first film is a big American one. Music is my priority, but I love acting and I'd like to get some more experience in that."

The movie - Fred - is so big it doesn't even have an IMDB entry yet and actually turns out to be a lumbering attempt to cash-in on a fleeting YouTube moment. Which, culturally speaking, makes that Super Mario Brothers Movie look like inspired.

Still, if it stops her making another insipid record for a few months, let's wish her well.

Gordon in the morning: Robbie Williams is missing

Something must be terribly wrong in Wapping - there's no lightweight half-story on the Bizarre pages this morning about either Robbie Williams or JLS. How can this be?

Elsewhere, Gordon has a bunch of gossip from the GQ Awards the night before last, which is fascinating. No, not the lame "look, here's a picture of Gary Barlow talking to Pixie Lott" backstage mutter itself, but the question it throws up for Rupert Murdoch's digital strategy. It's taken over 24 hours for this stuff to appear on the Sun website because it was being held back to coincide with the print edition.

But what would have happened if people were being expected to pay for Smart's gubbins? Let's just assume there's a market for now. If you're shoveling over quids for hot gossipings, would you feel the deal was sweet if you have to wait for over a day before seeing a photo of The Bloke Out Of Take That and That Woman Who Looked Uncomfortable On The Front Of FHM Last Month? Simply so that it doesn't "spoil" the story for the paper edition?

But if Gordon had rushed back to the office after the GQ Awards and stuck the stuff up before he went off to bed, how would the people who buy the paper on Thursday morning feel at discovering they're now handing cash to effectively buy a print out of the website from Tuesday evening?

It's not like Smart has enough content to be able to offer something exclusive to both outlets. So which paying customer gets the stale content, Rupert?

Pixie Lott of CO2

How better to promote the new album by Pixie Lott than by chartering a plane, filling it with people like Zoe Griffin and flying the bloody thing to Berlin for no apparent reason?

Yeah, admittedly, you can travel to Berlin by regular flight, or even ground transport. Or hold the album launch in somewhere in the UK. Perhaps in London, where most of the people seem to have started their journey. But - while that might not be such a terrible thing to do to the planet - there would have been less opportunity for a photo op of Lott wearing a pilot's cap.

"If you think the launch pumped a lot of polluted old rubbish into the atmosphere," said a made-up source familiar with the story, "wait until you hear what the filler tracks are like."

Gordon in the morning: Not a Lott to add

How are the attempts to get people to head off to the newsagent to buy a proper, paper product going over at Bizarre? Today they make a good effort, only it's FHM they're promoting.

Or rather not promoting, as they run a couple of shots from the hugely uncomfortable Pixie Lott photoshoot from this month's magazine, which couldn't look any more awkward and intrusive if the pictures had got into the paper after someone stole her boyfriend's cameraphone.

Marcus Barnes takes responsibility for turning "here are some pictures that are in a different company's magazine" into the sort of showbiz coverage that the Murdochs think they can charge for:

The chart-topping blonde, 18, shows off her perfect pins while posing in tiny shorts and a skimpy top in a long-awaited spread for lads' mag FHM.

Ah, yes. There's the value added - they've not just printed FHM's pictures, Marcus has described them as well. They have colleges which teach this sort of thing.

There's also one of the most horrible usability fudges I've seen on a professional website for a while:

For a chance to win an exclusive chance to accompany the sexy Mama Do singer all the way to Germany for her European album launch party - click on the top Related Story to the right of this article.

... and then say "Pixielott" three times, backwards. Perhaps the idea is that finding the link is the competition, like a clunky HTML version of Masquerade. Or maybe nobody left at The Sun knows how to make a link without their CMS doing it for them.

Gordon, meanwhile, is left to concentrate on the big story: George Sampson being evicted after playing show tunes too loud, too often.
Still, it shouldn't worry a high-roller like George, right? He's got options.

While his mum Lesley searches for a house for them, she and George are holed up in an Ibis hotel in town.

Oh. Oh, dear.

Gordon in the morning: Something to celebrate

If you wish you had something to celebrate like the way cricket fans are celebrating, you could try Gordon's pages this morning:

No more UK Oasis gigs after band pull out of fest

Wow. Gordon is close to Oasis - or, rather, hangs around them a lot and often gets a mate to take a picture of him almost in focusing distance of Noel - so he really must know something to carry such a final headline. What do you know, Gordon?

IF you were one of the lucky punters at V Fest in Stafford on Saturday, you can now claim the honour of seeing the last ever OASIS gig on British soil.

Did the management tell you this? Was it something you overheard Noel saying?

The Manc legends pulled out of their headline slot at Chelmsford's V last night because frontman LIAM has been struck down with viral laryngitis.

Yes, yes, but why is it the end? Did Kasabian text you to tell you they've moved up place up the 'laddish live' league ladder?

The lads still have a few European tour dates left to play, but...

There's a but?

unless someone offers them silly money to take the stage once more in Britain then I can't see them performing together again.

Ah... so Gordon's big, eyecatching story is something that he's guessing?

Smart doesn't even bother to make up a source or a pal, but just mentions that Noel and Liam don't get on. A dangerous state of affairs for a band, albeit one that they've managed to scrape by under for over a decade.

Were you a betting man, you might consider that Gordon had intended to flood this space with guff about what a brilliant time he had backstage hanging out with Oasis and had to scrabble about to fill the space with something, anything.

Stars tell us what they think about Oasis pulling out of gig:

Anything at all, it turns out.

Actor STEPHEN GRAHAM said: "It's bad form. I can't believe it. I'm only at V to see them. I don't believe Liam lost his voice. It must've kicked off."

Yes you do; he was the bloke who was involved in that dodgy tobacco-selling scam with Steve McDonald.

But it's not just rising actors who Gordon canvassed. He, erm, even listened to the radio:

JAMES MORRISON told Absolute Radio: "Everyone's gonna be gutted. It's a shame, definitely, it'll be a big gap."

But is everyone going to be gutted? Gordon, Ben Bradlee would demand a second source to stack this one up.

HARRY POTTER star RUPERT GRINT said: "I'm gutted. I was looking forward to Oasis. It was going to be the highlight of my weekend."

Okay, everyone was gutted.

Still, even with Oasis sending the filling-in-a-page-of-newspaper industry into turmoil, Gordon had other work to do at Essex. Yes, even travelling out of the M25 doesn't spare him from his need to push JLS at us like they're mouldering fish and we're very, very hungry sealions:

PULLING machines JLS didn't play at V but still made their mark with the ladies there.

MARVIN HUMES has been bombarding PIXIE LOTT with flirty texts and the singer blushed when I quizzed her about it.

I don't know which members of Gordon's family Simon Cowell is holding, but

Gordon in the morning: Counting the ladies

Gordon has done some adding up, and announces that we're living in a gynocracy:

GIRL power is back, with TEN slots in the Top 20 taken by females.

Leading the charge is PIXIE LOTT at No1. Elsewhere, LADY GAGA is at No13 AND No14.

Gordon doesn't bother to mention when the last time something like this happened - I don't know either, to be fair - or pauses to consider that a fifty-fifty split is kind of a reflection of what you'd probably expect based on the gender make-up of wider society. Or that ten out of twenty isn't 'girl power' so much as delicately balanced power blocks of equal size.

You might also wonder why, if the top twenty is half-lady, Gordo chose to highlight Lady GaGa so far down the chart. It's so he can run a photo of this:

Meanwhile, in Seoul Lady GaGa wore yet another raunchy see-through outfit to promote her album.

Ah, yes. That sort of girl power.

With gender equality taken care of, Sacha Baron Cohen then licences an opportunity for Gordon to show his grasp of sexual politics. You don't need to bother with it - it's all "queens", "gay old time" and misuse of the word "camp".

Gordon in the morning: What a Lott for not a lot

With breathless enthusiasm, Gordon overpushes a session from Pixie Lott this morning:

WITH a cracking voice, an offer from top modelling agency Select and the backing of big record execs, new songbird PIXIE LOTT has it all before her.

"New songbird"? Oh, my.

Lott appears to be the result of Universal trying to splice Duffy and one of Girls Aloud (it doesn't matter which, just one of them), and Smart is VERY EXCITED:

Pixie had the cameramen mesmerised with her hotpants and five-inch stilettos.

Ah yes: there's nothing like an artists whose talent is measured in heel length, is there?

Remember — you saw her here first.

Assuming, of course, you hadn't seen her doing Dermot O'Leary a couple of weeks ago.

Meanwhile: Coldplay go rave.

No, no: really. Look, there's photographic evidence:

Hey... hang about a little... that's not a real photo, is it?

Mock-up ... how frontman Chris Martin might look

Why do they do this? Why? Seriously, Gordon, did someone pass that photo to you and you really thought "that's great, because sticking a face on some random body that may or may not be somebody at a rave really captures the idea of Coldplay going rave"? Seriously?

Although compared with the claim stuck on the story, the photo is like cinema verite. Because how have Coldplay gone rave?

COLDPLAY may have made their name with heart-stirring rock ballads.

But that’s about to change thanks to drummer WILL CHAMPION’s tinkering in the studio.

The tub-thumper wants to take the rockers on a rave odyssey after investing in some top-of-the-range beat-making equipment.

Yes, that's right - Gordon's "Coldplay go rave" story is actually "drummer buys a drum machine". There is no mock up of Will Champion opening a cardboard box.pixie lott