Pixie Lott of CO2

How better to promote the new album by Pixie Lott than by chartering a plane, filling it with people like Zoe Griffin and flying the bloody thing to Berlin for no apparent reason?

Yeah, admittedly, you can travel to Berlin by regular flight, or even ground transport. Or hold the album launch in somewhere in the UK. Perhaps in London, where most of the people seem to have started their journey. But - while that might not be such a terrible thing to do to the planet - there would have been less opportunity for a photo op of Lott wearing a pilot's cap.

"If you think the launch pumped a lot of polluted old rubbish into the atmosphere," said a made-up source familiar with the story, "wait until you hear what the filler tracks are like."

Chicks, Keith disprove their own theory

It's a lovely idea: global warming in a problem facing us all, so why not bring together two acts with opposing political stances to prove that anyone can work together for a greater good?

So, the Alliance for Climate Protection attempted to bring together Toby Keith and the Dixie Chicks for an advert demonstrating this setting aside of animosity and sniping.

Unfortunately, the Dixie Chicks could never commit to a date, and Toby Keith started sniping:

"It's hard to get people that don't get along to agree when all those egos and stuff are involved."

- which, I believe, is the exact opposite of the point of the advert, isn't it?

Not one of the better days for Heather Mills

It probably seemed a great idea - get Heather Mills out to do some simple campaign work, help her image a little. A campaign to discourage people from eating meat to reduce the gases which contribute to global warming generated by cows.

What could go wrong? Everyone loves being kind to angimals, and hardly anyone is fond of global warming.

And, at first, the Sun seems to be struggling to find something to pick on her about:

Not ONE member of the public turned up to see her launch a campaign by vegetarian group Viva!

- which, considering it was a press launch rather than a public event, isn't that surprising.

The paper also tuts over the (supposedly) sexy poses in advertising campaign:

Passer-by Mark Clews, 25, said of the raunchy poster: “It looks like one of her porn poses. I can’t believe she does this and then moans about being in the spotlight.”

Mark Clews, you'll notice, is simultaneously a passer-by without being a member of the public; for The Sun to try and get annoyed by a picture of a woman in a swimsuit - even a woman dubbed Mucca-because-of-her-porn-past - seems to be so obviously hypocritical that it must be self-parody.

So, Heather could have won a moral victory. Instead... well, she managed to do both herself and the animal rights campaign look stupid and self-defeating:

She said: “There are 25 alternative types of milk.

“Why do we not try drinking rats’ milk, cats’ milk or dogs’ milk?”

Oddly, though, although there are many grounds on which this statement could be ripped to shreds - surely, there are as many types of milk as there are mammals, isn't there?; the idea of drinking rat's milk, what with their famous connection to plague and rubbish, is a commercial dead end - The Sun seeks out a "milk production" expert, Ben Mepham, who offers the weakest ever objection to splashing rat lactations on your Frosties:

“It sounds ludicrous to me. How on Earth would you get the milk out?”

... and where would you find a milking stool low enough, eh?

Trouble is, Heather makes a David Cameron sized mistake. When offering advice on curbing global warming, you need to set a good example:

Heather arrived to make her green appeal in a two-car convoy. She kept the engine running while she gave a string of interviews in a £35,000 black Mercedes 4x4.

Oops.

And then she decided to tell a bare-faced lie:

Mucca also yesterday denied comparing herself to Kate McCann as she clashed in an interview with LBC radio presenter Nick Ferrari.

Heather, you did it on television. This was a deep-cover unattributable briefing, you were on a breakfast sofa. As the Telegraph transcribed it at the time:

Comparing herself to Kate McCann and Princess Diana Ms Mills McCartney continued: “Look what they’re doing to the McCanns.

"The woman has lost, and the poor father, have lost their daughter. What are we doing as a nation?

“What are we doing persecuting a woman that is devastated behind closed doors and trying to hold it together, as I have for 18 months."

A whole string of PR disasters; you wonder if she's ever thought that, perhaps, withdrawing from the public eye might be better for her image.

Johnny Borrell stands alone to save the planet

Johnny Borrell of Johnny Borrell and the Johnny Borrell Experience Band has dumped his backing blokes for a single in aid of saving the planet.

Funeral Blues is equally notable for having been recorded in the only solar-powered studio in London. It's for Friends of the Earth's big ask campaign, but has nothing to do with it, says Borrell:

"It's a song that I wrote a little while ago, and I've been really looking forward to recording it, but it has nothing to do with the ecological concerns whatsoever."

Well done, then.

Johnny, apparently, is so thick he needed Al Gore to stand in front of him and point out the global warming problem:

"I went to the cinema with a friend. We watched An Inconvenient Truth, that film by Al Gore, and we walked out and were like, 'blimey' so that was it. I just got on the phone the next day. I said, 'I'm Johnny. I'm in a band called Razorlight. Can I help you?'"

It's lucky, we suppose, that Al didn't simply dedicate his movie to the cause but use some old footage that had nothing to do with the ecological concerns whatsoever.

Still, just imagine how much energy can be saved if we all pledge to not buy the single, never download it, never play it, and switch the television off every time Borrell pops up on it. Making a difference already.

Travolta abandons the planet

John Travolta is worried about global warming. He does at least acknowledge that his five jets and private airport might make him an unlikely ecologist, but... he needs them:

"Everyone can do their bit. But I don't know if it's not too late already. We have to think about alternative methods of fuels.

I'm probably not the best candidate to ask about global warming because I fly jets.

I use them as a business tool though, as others do. I think it's part of this industry - otherwise I couldn't be here doing this and I wouldn't be here now."

We're not sure about movie stars - we're including Travolta on No Rock by virtue of his late 70s hits, not his acting - but if owning a fleet of planes and building an airport on your land was essential to being in the film industry, wouldn't there be a lot more planes in the air? Is the need for your own air force now so crucial the cry to difficult actors has become "you'll never eat a personalised in-flight meal 40,000 feet above this town again?"

Still, Travolta has got a proposal that will allow all the actors to have a flock of jets and the human race continue:

"I'm wondering if we need to think of other planets and dome cities."

Good thought, John - let's get the people of the South Pacific off to live on Jupiter before they drown, shall we? Let's take one of your special super space planess.

Is everybody in? The rise in sea levels is about to begin

Naturally, only a complete curmudgeon would object to any attempt to persuade us to cut our use of greenhouse gases, so the launch of Global Cool is probably a good thing - and, hey, if takes Josh Hartnett flying in from Hollywood on a jet to persuade people to remember to switch off their bedside light before falling asleep, who are we to argue with their priorities?

Indeed, by our calculations, the extra carbon dioxide emitted during the glittering launch for the campaign could be offset simply by all of us in the UK switching off our kettles for the next seven weeks - and that's got to be worth it, right?

What does puzzle us, though, is that the campaign is being built around a poem - written by Jim Morrison and set to music by Perry Farrell. If I were looking for someone to be at the centre of a campaign asking people to avoid excess and waste, and take care of themselves and all they hold dear for the future, a dead junkie wouldn't have been my first choice.

KT Tunstall is also going to be at the London launch - and, certainly, by not playing her music at all, we've helped to save enormously on our emission levels. Perhaps we should encourage KT to help by stopping releasing records altogether? Imagine... just not putting out three albums, with the attendant manufacture, and promotional tours, and trips down to Woolworths - how much otherwise wasted carbon dioxide could be left untouched by such a small sacrifice?