Gordon in the morning: Mel B's fists of fury

Poor Amado Aguirre. He's an estate agent and was - he claims - invited to go and value Mel B's house; while he was prepping by taking photos of the properties, deciding what bits he'd talk up and what bits he'd try to avoid purchasers looking at, when Mel B and her husband, Mel B's husband mistook him for a paparazzo and - again, he says - beat him up.

You'd have to be impressed if this story is true - so many celebrities would send their hired goons to beat up strangers rather than rolling up their sleeves and doing it themselves. Although perhaps Mel B can't afford to hire goons any more, and that might be why she's flogging off the house.

She might find it even harder to afford hirings if Aguirre has his way - being an estate agent, he's sized up his injuries, considered their location and put a value of a million pounds on them. Hence the size of his launched lawsuit.

Stuart Pink has handled this story, leaving Gordon to try and squeeze another Cheryl Cole story out of her malaria. I suppose Smart is worried if he doesn't run something, anything, every day, readers might assume she's died in the night.

[Doctors] have also suggested she takes up relaxing yoga and Pilates to reduce her stress levels.

Yes, apparently yoga cures malaria. Given that she was supposedly at death's door according to yesterday's non-story, it seems a little odd the doctors are bellowing over the sound of medical equipment that she might think about buying a yoga mat.

Yesterday, you might recall, Smart informed readers that Tweedy would be out for most of the X Factor:

MALARIA-stricken CHERYL TWEEDY will not return to X Factor until live finals in October, it was revealed last night.

That was pretty definitive, then. At least X Factor fans know where they... hang about, what's this today?

Cheryl has said she won't perform at all for the rest of the year - but she will be back as a judge on X Factor in time for boot camp.

Meanwhile, The Sun's advertisers have got a suggestion for Cheryl if she's looking for a plan B:

Mel B issues statements to reassure the nation

Given that the little bit of bother at the airport was dealt with effectively by the people paid to deal with these things, you might think it goes without saying that Mel B does not need to up her security in response.

But you know the problem with things that go without saying? The thing gone without saying usually fails to get reported, alongside a photo of the person saying the thing and a puff for their latest project. So Mel B has helpfully announced that as a result of a swiftly resolved, unusual situation, she has no plans to change her life:

[T]he singer insists she is determined not to change her way of life and hire security staff following the incident.
She says, "It wouldn't make me feel safer. I think it draws more attention to yourself. In my mind I believe that what happened at the airport doesn't happen often."

Mel B, as long-time watchers of the Spice Girls will testify, hates nothing more than drawing the spotlight towards herself.

Brown, 33, has hailed her spouse a hero for coming to her rescue during the terrifying ordeal.
She adds: "I'm lucky my husband is so protective. The family always travels together, which makes me feel safe. I still don't know what was going through that man's head at the airport... I was half asleep and I looked up and it was all going on. But my husband's quick reaction made sure we were safe.

It's not entirely clear how Mel is judging Stephen's reaction speed when she didn't even know what was happening.

Scary! Spice threatened

TMZ are leaping to conclusions that the man involved must be a lunatic; the facts of the story are less clear-cut: a man at Heathrow was heard threatening to "get a knife" to stab Mel B and Stephen Belafonte; a photographer who tried to intervene got grabbed by the man. There was an arrest; no charges as yet, though.

Mel B gets what she wishes for

In her heartfelt plea for us to not see her wife-beating husband as a bad man, Mel suggests we return to the source material:

If you read those police reports, they never say he physically beat up a woman

We can now do just that, as TMZ have got hold of that document, which does list "violence against spouse" on the rap sheet. Perhaps he used the power of thought, then?

Mel B: You don't know him like I know, he's lovely with me

Mel B has launched a stout defence of her convicted wife-beater husband, saying that he's not violent or anything:

She says: "Everything I stand for is about being a strong, independent woman, so for him to be seen as a wife beater is devastating for me because he's not - he never has been."

Mel, who married Belafonte, 32, in June after a whirlwind romance, claims she knew of his past and says he is a changed man.

So, he's "never been a wife beater" - despite, you know, that conviction for domestic violence - and yet, despite never having been a violent partner, he's changed.

[T]he 32-year-old, mum to Phoenix Chi, eight, and Angel, four months, defended his reputation and told how he has had group therapy and counselling.

Therapy, of course, to cure the violent man that he never was.

Of course, the most famous therapy Belafonte has had was court-mandated. After he was convicted of domestic violence. (According to the Mirror, of course, he got thrown out of the course twice before he completed it.)

It might be that Belafonte is a changed man from the one who killed a duck, whose first wife apparently sought an annulment. Let's hope so.

But you see Mel B desperately trying to argue that the past never happened:

"They're trying to make him out to be this aggressive, violent, woman batterer and he's not. If you read those police reports, they never say he physically beat up a woman."

... and the signs don't look good.

Mel B's got a keeper

It's turning out that Stephen Belafonte is something of a charmer - he's "chosen not to contest" charges of domestic violence against his last wife, Nicole Contreras (in other words, not even having the balls to admit what he'd done) and now it turns out he beat a duck to death with a brick. Oh, and he's never quite got round to paying the fine for that one.

What a wonderful addition he is to our public life.

And they say romance is dead

The man who is currently seeing Mel B must feel a warm glow as he reads her warm words about him:

“He’s the love of my life and I’m going to marry him.”

Aah. There's no sense at all there that this is a rebound thing designed as some sort of high-profile two-fingers to Eddie Murphy or anything:

Mel is in sensational shape following the birth and told a pal: “Stephen’s been a godsend.

“Eddie hasn’t been in touch once since I had the baby, it’s unbelievable. But Stephen has been a tower of strength.”

And Mel put the knife in to Eddie saying: “Stephen’s got a much bigger cock as well!”

Oh.