Gordon in the morning: Mel B's fists of fury

Poor Amado Aguirre. He's an estate agent and was - he claims - invited to go and value Mel B's house; while he was prepping by taking photos of the properties, deciding what bits he'd talk up and what bits he'd try to avoid purchasers looking at, when Mel B and her husband, Mel B's husband mistook him for a paparazzo and - again, he says - beat him up.

You'd have to be impressed if this story is true - so many celebrities would send their hired goons to beat up strangers rather than rolling up their sleeves and doing it themselves. Although perhaps Mel B can't afford to hire goons any more, and that might be why she's flogging off the house.

She might find it even harder to afford hirings if Aguirre has his way - being an estate agent, he's sized up his injuries, considered their location and put a value of a million pounds on them. Hence the size of his launched lawsuit.

Stuart Pink has handled this story, leaving Gordon to try and squeeze another Cheryl Cole story out of her malaria. I suppose Smart is worried if he doesn't run something, anything, every day, readers might assume she's died in the night.

[Doctors] have also suggested she takes up relaxing yoga and Pilates to reduce her stress levels.

Yes, apparently yoga cures malaria. Given that she was supposedly at death's door according to yesterday's non-story, it seems a little odd the doctors are bellowing over the sound of medical equipment that she might think about buying a yoga mat.

Yesterday, you might recall, Smart informed readers that Tweedy would be out for most of the X Factor:

MALARIA-stricken CHERYL TWEEDY will not return to X Factor until live finals in October, it was revealed last night.

That was pretty definitive, then. At least X Factor fans know where they... hang about, what's this today?

Cheryl has said she won't perform at all for the rest of the year - but she will be back as a judge on X Factor in time for boot camp.

Meanwhile, The Sun's advertisers have got a suggestion for Cheryl if she's looking for a plan B: