Mel B issues statements to reassure the nation

Given that the little bit of bother at the airport was dealt with effectively by the people paid to deal with these things, you might think it goes without saying that Mel B does not need to up her security in response.

But you know the problem with things that go without saying? The thing gone without saying usually fails to get reported, alongside a photo of the person saying the thing and a puff for their latest project. So Mel B has helpfully announced that as a result of a swiftly resolved, unusual situation, she has no plans to change her life:

[T]he singer insists she is determined not to change her way of life and hire security staff following the incident.
She says, "It wouldn't make me feel safer. I think it draws more attention to yourself. In my mind I believe that what happened at the airport doesn't happen often."

Mel B, as long-time watchers of the Spice Girls will testify, hates nothing more than drawing the spotlight towards herself.

Brown, 33, has hailed her spouse a hero for coming to her rescue during the terrifying ordeal.
She adds: "I'm lucky my husband is so protective. The family always travels together, which makes me feel safe. I still don't know what was going through that man's head at the airport... I was half asleep and I looked up and it was all going on. But my husband's quick reaction made sure we were safe.

It's not entirely clear how Mel is judging Stephen's reaction speed when she didn't even know what was happening.

Scary! Spice threatened

TMZ are leaping to conclusions that the man involved must be a lunatic; the facts of the story are less clear-cut: a man at Heathrow was heard threatening to "get a knife" to stab Mel B and Stephen Belafonte; a photographer who tried to intervene got grabbed by the man. There was an arrest; no charges as yet, though.

Give a Dogg a bad name

So, it turns out the lurid tales of Snoop Dogg and his entourages' battles at Heathrow were nothing more than tales. What's more, in upholding Dogg's appeal against his refused visa, immigration Judge Bird says the trouble at the airport was down to the police and, almost unsurprisingly given their talent for disaster, British Airways staff.

Snoop, video of the event shows, was entertaining children rather than despoiling the airport and remained calm when police were shoving him. The question, of course, is why the police were shoving a bloke around for entertaining kids.

Gordon in the morning: Under the glowing flame

For reasons we can't quite place - although we suspect it might have something to do with Murdoch's craven courting of the Chinese government - the business of Bizarre, along with all other business of The Sun, is taking place under a Sun masthead featuring an animated gif of an "olympic" flame. Presumably it's only a matter of time before the paper's website completes its rewind to 1996 and features dripping blood and dancing babies all over the shop.

Gordon's main business this morning is claims sourced from a "senior police source" that Naomi Campbell suggests she was only arrested and cautioned "because she was black", but:

“It’s a bit rich coming from her.

“The WPC said she was called a white this and a white that.

“She has been away from work since the incident.”

Gordon pulls, well, most of his punches detailing what Campbell supposedly said:

Now cops claim she called a WPC a “white ****” and a “white s**g” as she was dragged off the LA-bound jet in handcuffs.

The police source said Naomi continued, screaming: “****ing white honkeys” at the officer and her colleagues.

So, "slag" loses its middle letters - presumably lest readers assume Campbell said "shit", but the first word is lost in its entirety. Presumably "cunt"? So Gordon's readership would blanch at looking at his page to see some good old-fashioned shots down women's shirts and talk about breasts, only to come across foul language. And the fit of vapours would be so bad, they can't even have a hint of what one word is - but, equally, "slag" would be unacceptable for them, but enough clues can point to the word without spelling it out, so they'll know its meant to be slag anyway.

Also, while none of Campbell's alleged behaviour is pleasant, is being called a "s**g" or a "****" really so bad member of the police force would have to take time off work to recover?

Gordon mentions that Naomi has been banned from BA flights in future; he doesn't offer any explanation as to why not being allowed on the fall-apart flag carrier is considered to be a punishment. "Go on, go and see if American can lose your suitcases."

More airport fun: Geri Halliwell passes through security at LAX; her kid gets a bit grumpy. An everyday event, you might think. Not so Gordo:

Whinger Spice

SINGER GERI HALLIWELL grabs daughter Bluebell Madonna by her hoodie — as the tot has a tantrum at an airport.

Seriously, Gordon, if you think having a pop at a toddler for not enjoying waiting in a hot airport to be checked for explosives is the stuff of journalism, you might want to step aside.

Pushing Gordon out the way, Pete Samson delivers an opinion piece on Pete Doherty's incarceration. It's headlined:

About Time Too

- we suspect that refers to his elevation to official voice of the Bizarre column rather than Pete's imprisonment, but maybe not.

By finally jailing him it gives the right message to Pete and his fans.

... although, we're pretty certain, just liking someone's music doesn't yet constitute a criminal offence, is it?

Acceptable in the airports

Calvin Harris claims to have lost his new album in the Heathrow turmoil:

The dance musician, from Dumfries, in the south of Scotland, was returning to the UK from America when the bag containing his laptop went missing.

A spokeswoman for his record company confirmed it contained the only copy of work on Mr Harris' second album.

[...]
"They have offered about £750 in compensation," said the spokeswoman.

"You can't really put a price on something like a new record."

Well, presumably you could, if you wanted to - after all, that's what record companies businesses are all about, isn't it?

More to the point: who on earth would check a laptop - never mind one which has your only copy of your new album on? And, without wanting to sound too harsh: if the album was worth a whole lot more than £750, wouldn't it have been worth making a back-up copy?