Gordon in the morning: Under the glowing flame

For reasons we can't quite place - although we suspect it might have something to do with Murdoch's craven courting of the Chinese government - the business of Bizarre, along with all other business of The Sun, is taking place under a Sun masthead featuring an animated gif of an "olympic" flame. Presumably it's only a matter of time before the paper's website completes its rewind to 1996 and features dripping blood and dancing babies all over the shop.

Gordon's main business this morning is claims sourced from a "senior police source" that Naomi Campbell suggests she was only arrested and cautioned "because she was black", but:

“It’s a bit rich coming from her.

“The WPC said she was called a white this and a white that.

“She has been away from work since the incident.”

Gordon pulls, well, most of his punches detailing what Campbell supposedly said:

Now cops claim she called a WPC a “white ****” and a “white s**g” as she was dragged off the LA-bound jet in handcuffs.

The police source said Naomi continued, screaming: “****ing white honkeys” at the officer and her colleagues.

So, "slag" loses its middle letters - presumably lest readers assume Campbell said "shit", but the first word is lost in its entirety. Presumably "cunt"? So Gordon's readership would blanch at looking at his page to see some good old-fashioned shots down women's shirts and talk about breasts, only to come across foul language. And the fit of vapours would be so bad, they can't even have a hint of what one word is - but, equally, "slag" would be unacceptable for them, but enough clues can point to the word without spelling it out, so they'll know its meant to be slag anyway.

Also, while none of Campbell's alleged behaviour is pleasant, is being called a "s**g" or a "****" really so bad member of the police force would have to take time off work to recover?

Gordon mentions that Naomi has been banned from BA flights in future; he doesn't offer any explanation as to why not being allowed on the fall-apart flag carrier is considered to be a punishment. "Go on, go and see if American can lose your suitcases."

More airport fun: Geri Halliwell passes through security at LAX; her kid gets a bit grumpy. An everyday event, you might think. Not so Gordo:

Whinger Spice

SINGER GERI HALLIWELL grabs daughter Bluebell Madonna by her hoodie — as the tot has a tantrum at an airport.

Seriously, Gordon, if you think having a pop at a toddler for not enjoying waiting in a hot airport to be checked for explosives is the stuff of journalism, you might want to step aside.

Pushing Gordon out the way, Pete Samson delivers an opinion piece on Pete Doherty's incarceration. It's headlined:

About Time Too

- we suspect that refers to his elevation to official voice of the Bizarre column rather than Pete's imprisonment, but maybe not.

By finally jailing him it gives the right message to Pete and his fans.

... although, we're pretty certain, just liking someone's music doesn't yet constitute a criminal offence, is it?

Gordon in the morning: Little sympathy

What a charmer Gordon Smart is: this morning, running a story about Lily and Ed's break-up and, as if that wasn't tawdry enough, topping up the piece by detailing their recent loss, all over again. Perhaps we're better off if he sticks to stories like Naomi Campbell's nipple slip. (Although why would you bother running a grainy shot of an accidental nipple-poke by a supermodel? Don't about one-in-ten of her professional shots have a nipple in them?

Gordon's "closeness" (i.e. perpetual crawling) to the Spice Girls camp has resulted in what may-or-may not be the true story behind the axing of the world tour: Mel C doesn't want to do any more. We suspect this might demonstrate what part of the Spice Girls camp he's close to. If only Mel C had been so determined twelve months ago.

Gordon in the morning

Having - apparently - not been at the Led Zep concert at all, Gordon is back behind the wheel today, offering to reunite Naomi Campbell with her stolen Blackberry:

You don’t want to face her wrath, so if you accidentally took her phone, get in touch with me and I’ll give it straight back.

Yes, we're sure that Naomi would be delighted if you pass her telephone to the offices of News International, with its relaxed attitude towards listening to other people's telephone conversations.

Indeed, so relaxed is the attitude to people's voicemail privacy at Wapping, one former News of the World staffer told the UK Press Gazette that the features desk used to hack into the voicemail of the news team.

Gordon also reports on plans for a Zeppelin gig in New York - he relies on "my souce backstage" at their London gig.

Otherwise, it's business as usual: Cindy Crawford has decided that she doesn't want to pose naked again, because she's afraid her child might get teased. So Gordon responds by running as many naked pages of Cindy as he had stuck in his scrapbook;

while, despite hardly anyone in the UK knowing or caring what Hulk Hogan is, Gordon runs a photo of her to support a story that consists of saying "look, she's in a bikini".

Naomi Campbell misses the point a little

Naomi Campbell - yes, she has released a record, since you ask - has been trying to square the circle to explain why she took part in the "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" campaign and then, erm, started turning up in fur. Apparently, it was PETA's fault:

"When PETA started targetting Anna Wintour and Karl Lagerfield and putting dead animals on their plate, I felt that they went too far and I thought, I didn't want to be a part of this campaign anymore."

But while we can see that you might disagree with PETA and choose to disassociate yourself from the organisation, surely you wouldn't then abandon your convictions - or was it a case of "I hate PETA so much, I'm going to make them squeal?"

No: it's just that Naomi apparently doesn't understand that taking a stand is meant to be different from following a fashion. It turns out that Naomi doesn't have a problem with fur at all:

"I do like wearing fur and I still do."

Naomi Campbell batters Pete Doherty

How sweet and supportive: Naomi Campbell has ripped Pete Doherty for not being good enough for Kate:

"I hear Kate has a new man. That's fantastic - good for her. As long as he's not like that arsehole Pete. Urgh.

"I hated the way he treated her. I don't mind if her new guy's a rocker, as long as he looks after her.

"I'm so happy for Kate. She truly deserves the best."

We remember Naomi saying this back when they were together.

Oh, hang on, we don't.

The idea of Naomi Campbell giving lectures in the correct way of treating people is an interesting one, though. Presumably she just needs a chance to beat some sense into Doherty with an electronic organiser.

Someone still loves you, Madonna

We're sure that the decision by Elle magazine to award Madonna some sort of prize at their Style awards was because of her influence on fashion and nothing to do with trying to tempt H&M to take advertising to plug her latest range of rubbish tracksuits.

But is Madonna such a style icon? In the 1980s, perhaps, but... frankly, when did you last see someone wearing a purple leotard, eh?

Elle gave its model of the year prize to Naomi Campbell, which shows just how far detached from reality it is. Or maybe it they were going for some cruel fashionista joke, awarding to prizes to fading icons who've done bugger all for ten years?

Amy Winehouse won the prize in the musician category, it says here.