Gordon in the morning: Cole delivered daily

Now, let's see. Thursday - too thin. Friday - looking good. Saturday - too thin, again. That means we'd expect Bizarre to be returning to work this morning announcing how good she's looking.

Lynsey Haywood turns up, as if by clockwork:

SEXY CHERYL COLE shows cheating hubby ASHLEY exactly what he’s missing on a Hollywood night out.

The Girls Aloud singer dressed to impress in a peach outfit with band-mates KIMBERLEY WALSH and NICOLA ROBERTS.

Cheryl Cole might be the first person in history whose weight has crashed up and down without changing at all.

Gordon himself has a piece about Lily Allen still being on good terms with Ed Simons:

LILY ALLEN set tongues wagging that she and ED SIMONS were back on – by wearing a ring on her engagement finger.
[...]
But I can confirm that the pair are NOT back together.

What we like about this is the dismissive way Smart tuts at "tongues wagging", which seems something of a high-minded position for a man who is a professional tongue wagger.

There's also claims that - rather than snout or tinned pineapples, it's now signed photos of Amy Winehouse which forms the basic unit of currency in Britain's jails:

JUST when you think he can’t get any worse, prison cell rat BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL slips right under your expectations.

The jailed junkie is such a loser that he is using wife AMY WINEHOUSE’s fame to feed his habit by trading signed pics of her for hits of heroin from other lags.

How much more of this rubbish will she take?

How much more of this rubbish will he print, more to the point. Who takes a pile of signed photos of their wife into prison with them? Or has Blake has Amy nip out of rehab to drop them off? And wouldn't Amy have known that - had he taken a bunch of signed pictures inside with him - he was going to use them for trades?

More to the point, does Gordon really expect us to believe that the lags are swapping hard-smuggled smack for signed photos? A quick glance at eBay shows that the only signed Amy photographs which have any value at all come with a certificate of authentication. Perhaps Blake is knocking these out in his cell, too, with an illicit potato and ink made from prison dust and tears?

Gordon in the morning: Little sympathy

What a charmer Gordon Smart is: this morning, running a story about Lily and Ed's break-up and, as if that wasn't tawdry enough, topping up the piece by detailing their recent loss, all over again. Perhaps we're better off if he sticks to stories like Naomi Campbell's nipple slip. (Although why would you bother running a grainy shot of an accidental nipple-poke by a supermodel? Don't about one-in-ten of her professional shots have a nipple in them?

Gordon's "closeness" (i.e. perpetual crawling) to the Spice Girls camp has resulted in what may-or-may not be the true story behind the axing of the world tour: Mel C doesn't want to do any more. We suspect this might demonstrate what part of the Spice Girls camp he's close to. If only Mel C had been so determined twelve months ago.

Lily and Ed lose the baby

Whatever you feel about Lily Allen's music and career, it's impossible to send her anything other than sympathy this morning. It's not a thing you'd wish on anyone.

Keith Allen to be a grandfather

It's going to be busy year for Lily Allen next year, what with the BBC Three series, and the new album, oh, and the baby and all.

Yes, Lily and Ed Simons are to be parents - although it's not immediately obvious that she intends to use this as the trigger for her oft-quoted plans to quit music and raise a family in the country, but we can but hope.

We wonder if Lily has any plans for keeping her energy up during pregnancy?