America: A nation where R&B singers are underwriting the costs of cleaning senator's offices

Nathan Morris, one of Boyz II Men, has stepped in to start a campaign to help raise funds for Charles Gladden, who works in the Dirksen Senate Office but doesn't earn enough to keep a roof over his head.

Morris has chipped in ten thousand dollars and is hoping to raise a similar amount from others.

Which is the right thing to do. The other right thing to do, of course, is get angry that this situation even exists:

Instead of celebrity attention, policymakers need to put their heads together to find long-term solutions to poverty, experts say.

The campaign "might be helpful for Mr. Gladden, and God help anyone who wants to help those in need, but obviously the problem of homelessness is a multi-billion dollar problem," says Ken Stern, author of the book "With Charities For All." "This man is working in the Senate, and the Senate has the power to help millions of people. Those are the sustainable solutions that we need. There are thousands of people out there who need this type of help.”

The Christian Science Monitor there, although it's not just "experts" who say that a situation where you're relying on one of Boyz II Men to subsidise keeping your government offices clean you're kind of screwed. You don't really need any kind of expertise to see that you've got a organisation here which is fundamentally flawed. Tellingly, the senate isn't hoping that Blackstreet's Mark Middleton will organise food parcels for their security detail.

Jessie J heads off to crack America, apparently

Can it really be true that Jessie J is leaving, as the Daily Star says?

Jessie J moving to the U.S.
Pop star JESSIE J is moving to the U.S. in a bid to crack the American music industry.

The headline is pretty clear. Sounds like she's already deep in conversations about baseboard heating with Remax realtors, right?

She tells KISS FM's Breakfast Show, "I'm kind of 50/50 there and within the next kind of 18 months I'm gonna basically get a place in L.A. or New York. Yeah. Flying in east."

So that's less 'is moving to the US', more 'might at some point in 2016 buy a small flat but haven't even given any thought about which coast it might be near'.

Not so much with the "now or never", then.

We have a while to wait before we need to put together comfort packs of marmite and PG Tips.

Adam Levine hates America

So on Tuesday night, on the American version of The Voice, Adam Levine was puzzled by the ridiculous choices made by the phone vote.

"I hate this country" he joshed, in an eye-rolling way. You know, like the way you might tell someone you love that you hate them if they eat the last Quorn cocktail sausage, or they score a day off you don't get. "I hate you" you say, but you don't mean it.

Everyone knows that, right?

Nothing to see, right?

Sorry, what's that Fox News contributor Todd Starnes?

I was watching “The Voice” last night, NBC’s singing competition and I could not believe the words coming out of my flat screen television.

Todd, you'll note, just slips in that he has a flat screen television. He's no hick, with a big old clunky cathode ray tube. That's because he's a success. In America, when you're a success, your TV gets flat. If you don't like that, get the hell out of America.

It happened near the end of the two-hour episode just after country music crooner Amber Carrington had been saved from elimination by television viewers.

Coach Adam Levine was upset because two of his singers were in the bottom three – and that’s when he muttered something under his breath.

“I hate this country,” he said – apparently unaware his microphone was hot.

“I hate this country.”

To be fair to Todd Starnes, it must have been tricky for him watching the Mainstream Media for two hours; obviously something was going to have to give.

Of course, under those circumstances, Levine setting fire to the flag, pissing on a soldier, and then actually suggesting that apple pie and motherhood were over-rated was going to set Todd off.

And given that none of that happened, Todd had to cling to what he could get.

So, Levine, apparently unaware that his audience were nuts, said something that could possibly be wilfully misinterpreted as being anti-patriotic. But you'd need a prism for that to work.

Have you got a prism, Todd?

Levine, the Maroon 5 frontman, is a passionate supporter of President Obama.

During the 2012 presidential election he warned the nation in a tweet: “Dear America, if you don’t re-elect @barackobama, I’m gonna lose my sh*t.”

And after Obama won re-election, Levine tweeted: “That’s what happens when you f*ck with Sesame Street.”

Ah, he supported Obama last year. So, obviously, prone to being anti-American sharing that support with just half of all Americans who could be arsed to go out and vote. That's practically communism.

But, Todd, you've surely seen Adam trying to explain patiently that it was the sort of humorous remark that people say all the time?

As you might imagine the “country” didn’t take kindly to Levine’s nationally televised hissy fit. So Levine decided to use Twitter to clarify his remarks.

He was all a big joke, he explained. Oh yeah – it was a real chuckle fest.

You know that not always everything that's said in jest is going to be a guffaw party, don't you, Todd? Like when Fox claims it's fair and balanced, that sort of joke isn't one that people laugh their heads off at, right?

Coachella: You might wanna be adored, but being known would be a start

The All-New Stone Roses might be quite a big deal in, erm, NME editorial meetings, but not so much at Coachella, the Guardian reports:

If the Coachella line-up looked like a triumph for the legends of British guitar music – Blur! Stone Roses! New Order! – then the reality proved sadly different. Not only were most punters we spoke to confused as to who (or what) the Stone Roses were, the crowd for both Blur and the Roses on the main stage was far smaller than the kind they've been commanding back home. Should we mock the Americans for not "getting" them? Or ourselves, for assuming anyone cared about our musical legends?

Handily, Spinner has an interview with the band's biographer Simon Spence which explains exactly why Americans might see the name 'Stone Roses' and assume somebody has badly mistyped 'Rolling Stones'.

Effectively, a mix of hubris, arrogance and bad timing led the band to develop a reputation amongst the music industry, and no profile at all in the wider America:

When Second Coming was released in 1994, they were in serious disarray but promoting themselves in America was a priority. They hired a high profile American manager, Doug Goldstein, famed for managing Guns N' Roses, and finally embarked on a major promotional push. Geffen's head of PR, Bryn Bridenthal, described it as a disaster. Goldstein was fired after few months later. He told me they band displayed a love-hate relationship with America 'We'd love to be accepted but fuck you if we're not,' he said. Ultimately, anyway, the whole thing was doomed to failure because, even though he was there, Reni had already quit the band.

With a replacement drummer, they did a short nine-date tour of the US in 1995 in support of the album. It was not entirely unsuccessful. It was not, however the success Geffen wanted. You're right, the label spent upward of $4 million on the band. The album, however, peaked at no 47 on the Billboard charts. The President of Geffen, Eddie Rosenblatt, told me the name of the band became a verb: 'The A&R guy brings in a band, and you say, 'Well, is this going to be another Stone Roses?'

But the band remain incredibly popular amongst paunchy middle-aged men from North West England.

Ted Nugent types some things

Much as how we should politely turn away when Sting says "you know what Trude and I did last night? I saw her titties and everything", we should also avert our eyes whenever Ted Nugent decides to share his views with us.

He's honked out some things vaguely connected to the shootings in Tuscon:

Conservatives need to turn up the political rhetoric if they want to defeat the liberal agenda with a conservative agenda that is based on the Constitution, small government, lower taxes and much less spending.

Conservatives have liberals outnumbered and surrounded. Don't play nice with liberal snakes. Don't let them escape. Instead, do America a favor and crush liberalism.

Yes, Ted, that's right. The only reason why America still has a tax system is because you haven't yet made your face red enough; your language violent enough; your veins bulge enough; your voice screech enough. It's a well-known fact that the winner in any debate is not those who have thought through their opinions and are able to argue cogently, using evidence and logic, but those who shout the loudest.

Ted Nugent is worse at politics than he was at music. And he was terrible at music.

Tea Party plan presumably less-generous Band Aid style singalong

The permanently confused Tea Party movement is about to get a theme song, with Lloyd Marcus (no, us neither) calling acts to the studio to record a song called "Take America Back".

Let's hope he kept the receipt.

He wants his upbeat ditty to “highlight the diversity” within the Tea Party Movement, so he’ll accept any musicians – from tattooed rockers to preppy gospel singers.

Yes, the famously diverse Tea Party movement. It's not all about red-faced angry men.

The borderline-extremist group tends to only draw its support from amongst the permanently confused, so it's unlikely that anyone with an actual recording career will turn up - but Marcus has a plan to get round that one:

Since his ultimate message is about “we the people,” he wants mostly unknown artists to partake, not big celebrities.

Phew, that's lucky, eh? Although quite why celebrities don't count as people in this context isn't clear - can't really rich people hate sharing, too?

Still, it's a lovely idea - lots of people, coming together, working in a common interest, not for their personal gain but to achieve a goal that helps their community as whole. Don't you love watching socialism in action?

Gordon in the morning: America won't take Dappy

Trouble as N-Dubz try to spin their fifteen minutes out by vanishing into an uncaring American market. Gordon reports this morning that Dappy can't get a visa for the US:

N-DUBZ star DAPPY has been a naughty boy in the past and it has caught up with the little fella now the band are due to meet big-hitting label bosses in New York.

It's curious - usually The Sun is pretty unforgiving about young people who've behaved violently trying to get special treatment, but Gordon seems quite forgiving about Dappy's conviction on two accounts of assault just over a year ago. Apparently spitting in someone's face is "being a naughty boy". Why, you might almost chuckle at it.

Gordon somehow types this with a straight face:

Dappy has had a bad run recently. Last week he sent offensive texts to a Radio 1 listener who laid into the band on air.

But he is growing up and deserves a chance to redeem himself by making a dent in the US chart.

He's grown as a person since, erm, sending death threats to a woman last week.

Sorry, America

Press releases can sometimes make you feel so sorry for those less fortunate, can't they?

JAMIE CULLUM LAUNCHES "ONE MAN BRITISH INVASION" OF AMERICA

Poor, poor America.

On the other hand, it does leave us free of him for a while. Do you think we could persuade him to take Parky with him?

Advice to Americans: Aim low. And if you let him get on top of the piano, you're lost.

Dear America: We're very sorry.

BBC America - using criteria which aren't clear, but might include "size of the thing that dies inside you when you hear their music" - has produced a top ten of British artists in the US:

10. Duffy
9. M.I.A.
8. Adele
7. KT Tunstall
6. Jay Sean
5. Amy Winehouse
4. Natasha Bedingfield
3. Leona Lewis
2. Radiohead
1. Coldplay

No wonder they want to buy our chocolate companies and close us down.

Fanfarlo head for the US

Hoping that all-night diners will be ready to keep them going with black coffee and hard rolls, Fanfarlo announce a US tour:

November 9th*Chicago, IL*Schubas
November 11th*Minneapolis, MN*Triple Rock Social Club
November 13th*Denver, CO*Moe’s
November 14th*Salt Lake City, UT*State Room
November 16th*Boise, ID*Knitting Factory
November 17th*Seattle, WA*Crocodile Cafe
November 18th*Vancouver, BC*Media Club
November 19th*Portland, OR*Doug Fir Lounge
November 20th*Sparks, NV*Great Basin Brewing Company
November 22nd*San Francisco, CA*Rickshaw Stop
November 23rd*Los Angeles, CA*Echo
November 24th*San Diego, CA*Casbah
November 27th*Santa Barbara, CA*Soho Restaurant & Music Club
November 29th*Tucson, AZ*Club Congress
November 30th*Santa Fe, NM*Santa Fe Brewing Co
December 2nd*Austin, TX*Independent
December 3rd*Dallas, TX*The Loft
December 4th*Houston, TX*Walter's on Washington
December 6th*Birmingham, AL*Bottletree
December 9th*Baltimore, MD*Metro Gallery
December 10th*Philadelphia, PA*Johnny Brendas
December 13th*Arlington, VA*Iota
December 12th*Pittsburgh, PA*Brillobox
December 14th*Detroit, MI*Majestic Cafe
December 15th*Toronto, ONT*El Mocambo
December 16th*Montreal, QUE*Il Motore
December 17th*Boston, MA*T.T. The Bear's
December 18th*New York, NY*Webster Hall

Oh, America, this is what you're in for:

Kelly Osbourne calls for hard work, gumption

Kelly Osbourne didn't get where she is today relying on other people, and wants the rest of us to pull our bloody socks up:

"I find it easier being in America. The UK is a lot harder, people have this kick you while you are down mentality. It seems like some teenagers just want to get pregnant so they can get a bigger council house.

"It is not OK for girls to want to grow up to be a WAG. I find that frustrating."

Yes, Kelly, there are teenagers who currently have council houses, and those council house-holding teenagers plan to go out and get pregnant in order to be moved to larger council houses.

This is especially true if you're living in a world where the Daily Mail is right, or - perhaps - in 1973.

But it's so pleasant to see that Kelly is, in effect, channeling Michael Caine and Paul Dacre simultaneously. Given that Kelly has been constantly handed jobs on account of who she is, despite her inability to perform the basic functions those positons required, you might think she'd been treated pretty well in the UK.

Apparently not well enough. Perhaps it's because we tend to point out to her that she's actually a bit rubbish at presenting things. Not like in America, where even Glenn Beck gets his own show despite having several social handicaps which suggest it would be better for him if he just had a nice sit down.

Kelly, of course, has achieved... erm, whatever it is she's achieved only though her natural... advantages

"A lot of celebrity kids don't do that much with their lives. You are in a position where you are so lucky - you can do whatever you want.

"A lot of them waste their lives going to parties and being mean to other people."

Whereas, of course, Kelly spends her time going to rehab and being mean to Lily Allen, Lady GaGa, Kate Moss and her boyfriend, tube drivers, Jennifer Lopez and Victoria Beckham, Simon Cowell, Peaches Geldof and, fresh to that list, British teenagers.

Oh, but hang on

Antigua wins right to violate Americans

The World Trade Organisation has granted Antigua the right to ignore American copyrights, up to a value of USD21million.

The smaller nation had been seeking recompense after claiming unfair treatment when American barred its citizens from using their online gambling services. They'd been claiming rather more - three billions worth of opt-outs - but the precedent is more alarming for US intellectual property holders than the amounts.

The details of the settlement are going to be as controversial as the judgement itself:

“Even if Antigua goes ahead with an act of piracy or the refusal to allow the registration of a trademark, the question still remains of how much that act is worth,” said Brendan McGivern, a trade lawyer with White & Case in Geneva.

“The Antiguans could say that’s worth $50,000, and then the U.S. might say that’s worth $5 million.” He predicted that “the U.S. is going to dog them on every step of the way.”

Maybe, but it cuts both ways - how, exactly, can the US police this effectively? The supposed cut-off figure is one thing, but if every shop in Antigua suddenly starts flogging DVDs of I Am Legend and CDs of John Legend, how can the MPAA and RIAA hope to prove that any one disc is outside the terms of the judgement, without spending even more cash?

Meanwhile - and as it's Christmas - feel a little bit of sympathy for the music and movie industries. They're not to blame for the blocking of the American access to online casinos, and yet it's they who are taking the punishment. If we were them, we'd be thinking it might be time to stop pumping cash into the two political parties - seeing as it's not exactly helping them...

Houston, Lily Allen might have a problem

It's not exactly pissing on the Alamo, but Lily Allen might find her battle in America has just got a little more uphill:

"It's all very weird here. They're all backward in Texas but not as much as they are in Arkansas and Wyoming where I'm going soon.

I can't really speak for the American population - I'm so far away from anything they are and stand for."

We're no experts, but if we were trying to sell ourselves to a nation, insulting three of the fifty States and then insisting that you're "far away" from everything everybody in that nation stands for might be a bit of a bad idea. Mind you, nearly all of the Americans we know are witty, intelligent, sophisticated and know the difference between a good song and an overpromoted novelty hit when they hear it, so maybe Allen is right about being far away from what they are.