Abba explain the sequinned jumpsuits

So it turns out Abba wore those godawful stage clothes as a tax dodge:

According to Abba: The Official Photo Book, published to mark 40 years since they won Eurovision with Waterloo, the band's style was influenced in part by laws that allowed the cost of outfits to be deducted against tax – so long as the costumes were so outrageous they could not possibly be worn on the street.

So if you have a bunch of clothes that nobody in their right minds would be seen wearing under normal circumstances, you save a bunch on tax? Finally, Liam Gallagher's Pretty Green range is explained.

Mindless event reported in Manchester

Seriously, the Manchester looters? You looted Pretty Green last night? It really is thieving without discrimination.

The Rag Trade: Weller does some designs

Oh, god: just when you thought celebrity fashion lines couldn't be more tragic, Paul Weller starts to design. For Liam Gallagher.

Oh, Paul. Why?

"I've wanted to design my own range for some time and Pretty Green felt like a good home for my clothes."

You're Paul Weller. He's the one out of Oasis who needs help opening jars. It's named after one of your songs. Aside from if you were taking instructions from the seven year-old Chinese kid who is doing the stitching*.

My main design reference is somewhere between 1968 and 1970.

I've checked the calendar, and that would seem to be 1969.

The clothes themselves sit between being smart and casual with quality materials and tailoring.

They sit between being smart and casual - so they're neither smart, nor casual, in other words.

The funny thing is, Weller sounds less like a man who has just fulfilled a long-held ambition to design his own fashion range, and more like a bloke who's trying to impress his girlfriend by describing a suit he once saw in a shop.

* - There's no reason to assume that Chinese children actually make the clothes, but despite having a very intricate legal page there doesn't seem to be anything about ethical sourcing or manufacture anywhere on the Pretty Green site.

This bit is interesting, though:

Please note that any returns requesting a refund on an order that contains a free poster will not be refunded unless the poster is included with the returned item(s).

Surely people weren't just ordering trousers in order to get a free poster, and then returning the trousers for money back?

Gordon in the morning: The pants war

Having spent the last few years desperately trying to talk up chart battles where there were none, Gordon moves into the clothing department:

ROBBIE WILLIAMS is launching a fashion firm to rival LIAM GALLAGHER's Pretty Green.

I'm not sure how you'd measure this to decide on success - is the winner the person who gets the largest coverage of column inches compared to the actual square meterage of cloth they sell?

Robbie's clothes will be in stores this autumn with T-shirts from £35 and three-quarter-length Mod-style coats for £350.

There will also be accessories such as flat caps and polka-dot scarves.

Really?

A source said: "Robbie's aim was to create a collection with a heritage feel combined with a modern style."

Hang about, Gordon? "A source said"? That's not an unattributable, off-the-record briefing type statement. It's like Woodward & Bernstein reporting back from Deep Throat that "the president's economic policy will stay the course for the next two years, with early signs of an upturn in the automotive sector."

Maybe there's just a template in The Sun's computer system that only allows Gordon to attribute comments to magazines he's read them in, or anonymous sources.

Liam Gallagher does something

The heading of the PR email isn't encouraging:

LIAM GALLAGHER OPENS EXCLUSIVE PRETTY GREEN POP-UP STORE IN LONDON'S CARNABY STREET ON FRIDAY, JULY 30th

Yes, they're using "London's Carnaby Street" with a straight face.

Believe it or not, though, the body of the email is even more marrow-hardening:

Last night, he celebrated the opening with celebrity friends who were out in force to show their support: Nicole and Natalie Appleton, Beady Eye band members Andy Bell, Gem Archer and Chris Sharrock, Stereophonic’s Kelly Jones, Phil Daniels, Zak Starkey, Audiobullies, Black Twang, Gary Crowley and actor Tom Ellis.

And just when you think it can get no more horrible:

The 2000sq ft store is housed over two storey’s with the basement area featuring a panoramic image of Liam on Brighton Beach and a Lambretta Li 150 series 3 replica scooter.

It's such a clunking attempt to go as far down the route of obviousness without actually stuffing Paul Weller and pinning him to an RAF roundel, you don't even notice the punctuation.

Carnaby Street traders are appealing for a government bail-out to help support their businesses while the toxic mess is present.

Trouser quake

The idea of Liam Gallagher designing clothes was preposterous on its own. Now, Paul Weller's got involved with Pretty Green.

Paul Weller has done many things for which we should be prepared to cut him a lot of slack. But not even Going Underground buys him the licence to be fannying about pretending to design trousers.

Gordon in the morning: Threads

I think I must have missed this:

LIAM GALLAGHER turned the cagoule from the trainspotter’s choice into a fashion staple for any lad about town.

He did? Cagoules? Are you sure, Gordon?

So I imagine his Pretty Green clothing range will go down well.

Well, if they can still find people to buy Oasis albums, there's a chance.

The OASIS rocker’s designs go on general sale tomorrow, the day after the lads kick off their summer tour with a mega gig at Manchester’s Heaton Park.

"On general sale"? Why, have they been doing special sales only for the fashion-forward? And what exactly does "on general sale" mean?

In this case, it means they've switched the website on as, surprisingly, no shop that actually sells clothes has shown any interest in stocking them:

At the moment Pretty Green is only available online. We plan to launch an exclusive range in the top fashion stores around the world for Autumn / Winter 09. If you are a retail buyer please email us at wholesale@prettygreen.com. The wholesale collection will vary from the site and will include a premium collection.

That's from Liam's trouser website - the "if you'd like to sell my clothes, please email us" doesn't sound that desperate, does it? Besides, all those top fashion stores are on board for winter.

Sorry, Gordon: you were attempting to turn 'man switches on retail website' into a story hefty enough to warrant publication, weren't you?

I wonder whether Liam will set up a stand to hawk his clobber to gig-goers?

No, he won't.

This needs some more padding, doesn't it?

If he did, I’m sure Radio 1 DJ ZANE LOWE would be first in the queue.

Erm.... why?

It turns out that Lowe has said he quite likes Gallagher's music:

The Kiwi has named the frontman as his fave rock star.

Not that Liam has ever been unsure of himself.

He once said: “There’s ELVIS and me. I couldn’t say which of the two is best.”

Is it just me, or is this a bit patchwork? Three disparate elements stapled together in a clumsy way to try and make it seem like it flows? And not quite succeeding? Gordon isn't reporting any more, he's quilting.