Gordon in the morning: Grammy cover-up uncovered

The organisers of the Grammys don't want their show to be anything less than classy this year. So they're telling people how to dress:

According to a leaked email, stars are under strict instructions not to flash too much flesh while at the ceremony.
It said: "Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts are problematic."
Thongs, exposed nipples, bum crack, side and underboob are all a no go area.

So, will that work, or will it merely make matters worse as The Sun ransacks its photo archive, using this as an excuse to rerun "you could deffo see a nip" photos?

Gordon in the morning: Nipslip bullshit

Something especially awful this morning, as Gordon runs a picture of Rita Ora. Nothing strange in that, except... look how he describes it:

It's a "nip slip outfit". Important to note that there's no suggestion that Ora's areola made an appearance. No, Gordon's just excited that there's a vague possibility that it could pop out.

On this basis, then, surely all skirts would actually be "upskirt outfits"?

Gordon in the morning: Ice ice baby

Surely even Gordon doesn't believe a single word of his massive Britney Spears plans to be cryogenically frozen when she dies story?

It's not even really a story, just an unsourced claim from a "pal" and some stuff cut-and-pasted from the internet about freezing nearly-dead people.

In fact, the whole thing seems little more than an excuse to run a large picture of Britney Spears with hard nipples poking through her shirt. I suppose you've got to offer some grudging respect for the attempt to try and make it look like there's more to it than the shadow of a nipple.

Gordon in the morning: A row of tents

Ronaldo - a footballer - went out wearing a pink baseball cap yesterday. And why not? After all, it's 2009.

Oh. It turns out it's not 2009 in The Sun and Bizarre. It's still 1973. And around eight in the evening on midweek ITV style 1973 at that:

TODAY I unveil Bizarre’s How Camp Is CRISTIANO RONALDO Guy-ger Counter.

The level of campness is represented by pink tents – five being screaming DANNY LA RUE levels of flamboyance and one being your common-or-guyliner type effeminacy.

sjfgjdsg`yg - sorry, I'm finding it difficult to type with my face buried in my hands.

Guy-ger counter? Pink tents? Danny LaRue?

Oh, and if you miss the bubbling homophobia that is subtly bubbling away in the background on this one, the "pink tents" on the illustration of Gordon's Guy-ger counter actually just look like pink triangles.

I guess we should applaud Gordon's restraint at not calling it the gay-ger counter.

Still, at least we can be sure that Gordon isn't gay, what with the way he enjoys looking at a photo where you can make out the outline of Victoria Beckham's nipples. That's the polar opposite of wearing a pink cap.

Supreme Court to inspect Janet Jackson's breasts

It lasted only three sixteenths of a second, and yet, five years on, we're still not at the end of the Janet Jackson nipple slip. Now, the Supreme Court is going to inspect the appeal court's rejection of the ridiculous fine that CBS was hit with after a slice of nipple fluttered across the TV screens during Superbowl 2004.

Ofcom might sometimes attach itself to the passing mob, but at least it manages to come to its conclusions, however poor, fairly quickly.

Let it drop now: FCC appeals Janet Jackson's nipple ruling

The Superbowl nipple slip continues to churn on: the FCC has decided to appeal against a court ruling which had thrown out fines levied on TV companies who inadvertently showed a fleeting glimpse of Janet Jackson's nipple.

The FCC - who you might have thought would have had better things to do - seems determined that the point of principal which it thinks it was upholding remains a running problem on the fifth anniversary of the incident.

Gordon in the morning: The unchanging world

While banks crumble and stocks tumble, Gordon Smart is a rock. Unchanging, unchanging: Mischa Barton nip slips and a none-more-fourteen-year-old 'you could see their nipples and everything' report on the Vivienne Westwood London Fashion Week show.

There is one for the ladies, though: Justin Gaston in skimpy white pants in the section that's oddly titled "Gordon Smart's Bizarre USA" even although he doesn't actually write any of it - or, if he does, he's made Beci Wood write the text to go with the photo. Perhaps Gordon just chose the photo.

Janet Jackson's nipple: Now half a million bucks cheaper

The Janet Jackson Superbowl nip-slip wasn't indecent enough to justify the FCC fine, a US court has ruled. The federal appeals court tossed the $550,000 fine the FCC levied against CBS on the grounds that it was acting out of character:

The court found that the FCC deviated from its nearly 30-year practice of fining indecent broadcast programming only when it was so "pervasive as to amount to 'shock treatment' for the audience."

"Like any agency, the FCC may change its policies without judicial second-guessing," the court said. "But it cannot change a well-established course of action without supplying notice of and a reasoned explanation for its policy departure."

The overall effect was somewhat spoiled when CBS executives present in the court dropped their trousers for a bare-arsed celebration.

Gordon in the morning: Young girls

Gordon is thrilled this morning, as you can, if you have the inclination and a high quality zoom, spot the outline of Pixie Geldof's nipples:

PIXIE GELDOF’s quirky clothes and customised rollerskates were not the only things standing out from the crowd at a roller disco.

The cheeky but cheerful madam must have got dressed in a hurry and forgot to put on a bra.

There's nothing at all creepy about a man running pictures of a girl who isn't yet 18 so that people can look at her nipples. Nothing creepy at all.

But it might explain why Ron Wood is getting such a gentle ride on the Bizarre pages.

Gordon in the morning: Fashion advice shunned

Poor Gordon isn't happy: Lily Allen has ignored his fashion advice, prompting that what-is-he-thirteen "look you can see her nipples" "She's hiding Smarties down her top" joke that he does every time.

Elesewhere, he reports on some sort of battle amongst people who have sex with footballers. Fiona Barratt (who is girlfriend of Sol Campbell, apparently in lieu of a career) moans about Victoria Beckham on what appears to be grounds of being less than famous than her. People tried to take pictures of Beckham during the world cup, it turns out. Just fancy that.

At last! Lily Allen discovers something unique

Lily Allen has never seemed to have anything much which set her apart. Until now. She's become the toast of YouTube by flashing her third nipple on last week's 8 Out Of Ten Cats. [EDIT: Oh, it turns out there are two programmes on Friday night on Channel 4 besides Big Brother, and this was on the other one, The Friday Night Project. The original joke would still work if you replace Jimmy with Alan.]

Presumably she felt it was safe to share the third nipple on the programme because, on a show with Jimmy Carr hosting, you're never going to have the oddest physical features in the studio.