It's a creakingly quiet morning at Gordon's column this morning, with a vague muttering by a footballer that he might try and catch an episode of Coronation Street being shunted to the top of the pile:
AFTER six years living and playing football in Manchester, CRISTIANO RONALDO is finally catching the scent of Betty’s hotpot from Coronation Street.
The Man U ace has struggled to get his head around why Brits are so obsessed with the ITV1 soap.
Did nobody tell him that it's not so much an obsession, but the tabloids like to write about it when there's nothing much else to write about, which makes it look like an obsession?
But the Portuguese winger vowed: “I promise I will watch it next time it is on and I am home."
Yes, Gordon is reduced this morning to effectively reporting on someone circling programmes in the Radio Times. Coming tomorrow: Adele writes post-it note reminding her to set Sky+ to tape My Family.
Unbelievably, there's a lot on this important story:
He added: “I normally watch movies when I am relaxing at night, but if it really is that popular, I promise I will try and watch it the next time.”
I know, you're having trouble understanding these major developments. Luckily, Gordon has had an explanatory graphic produced:
It's not entirely clear why Ronaldo watching Corra would see him appear in the fictional pub at the heart of the series - perhaps Gordon imagines that's how it works if you have a very, very expensive television.
Ah, the caption explains it:
Winker's Return ... how Ronaldo might look in famous pub
Although if only he turned up in the middle of playing a match, and for some reason was staring into the top corner of the ceiling while ordering from a woman who'd be standing behind him.
Gordon's campaign to cover every outfit that ever leaves Lady GaGa uncovered continues today, although he doesn't seem to even know if he finds them sexy any more:
She is becoming a pantomime dame, this lass. So I’ve given her a Widow Twankey rating of four out of five for this get-up.
What does that actually mean?
And how does Gordon greet the Ivor Novello shortlist, and the nomination for The Leisure Society?
Ivor no idea who this Hemming is
UNKNOWN Nick Hemming battles it out with bands, like Elbow, for Ivor Novello awards.
It's encouraging that Gordon has discovered honesty and openness - but isn't it extraordinary that the self-appointed Prime Minister Of Pop has such a gap in his knowledge?