Mirror struggles with naked pictures not of Liam Payne

The picture of a bloke who might look a bit like Liam Payne if you squint a bit has confused the poor Daily Mirror.

First, they struggled with the idea that the picture wasn't of him:

If the photo is genuine, Liam will not be the first celebrity to have images leaked of him against his will.

That's not, to be fair, untrue, but you might as well observe that if Liam Payne gave up music and became a vicar, he wouldn't be the first celebrity to shun fame in favour of holy orders. True, but pretty irrelevant, having ascertained that the photo, clearly, isn't genuine.

They're still confused now:

The photos did not appear on 4chan or Reddit and are thought to be unrelated to the recent hacking scandal sweeping Hollywood and Britain.

Let's just leave a second to process that the Mirror appears to suggest that appearing on 4Chan and Reddit somehow proves the veracity of a nude photo.

And, yes, it would be thought that the existence of a grainy lookalike shot had nothing to do with people's Apple accounts being hacked, because it's a totally different thing entirely, apart from being connected to photos and computers.

On which basis, tomorrow, the Mirror will be speculating that there's no evidence that this event is in any way connected to Lolcats.

One Direction want you to put Twitter down

Liam Payne is fretting about connected kids:

The 'Story of My Life' hitmakers are all avid users of social networking sites such as Twitter and Instagram but Liam Payne thinks their younger fans shouldn't be using them and that they should be focusing on having fun instead.

He said: ''When I think about it, I do start to worry about this whole social media thing. It does make me uncomfortable; kids should be out, living their lives, getting out and enjoying themselves.''

I imagine if I got 37,000 tweets every ten seconds saying "LIAM OMIGOD FOLLOW ME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE", I'd probably want Twitter to be banned for anyone yet to reach puberty, too.

Liam Payne sends tweet praising gay-hostile clan; seems surprised at outcome

Liam Payne out of One Direction sent a cheery tweet to Duck Dynasty on Saturday:

@williebosshog huge love to you/your family huge respect for your business prosperities and the family values you still all behold. big fan

— Liam Payne (@Real_Liam_Payne) January 18, 2014

This is one of those innocent looking tweets which falls firmly into the ill-advised part of the behaviour spectrum, what with Phil Robertson out of Duck Dynasty having shared his views on homosexuality a few weeks back:

“Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men," Robertson said before paraphrasing a Bible verse. "Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers — they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

So, is Liam endorsing this homophobic bullshit?

Of course not, or at least the tweet doesn't have any evidence of that. Bless him, he's not likely to be appearing on Celebrity Mastermind any time soon, and it's probable that he was just sending a friendly tweet to another unfathomably popular person who had their faces on Christmas wrapping paper this year.

No, really:

However, even Liam must have spotted all the "proud to be a redneck" guff and might have wanted to think twice before praising a group who not only don't believe in evolution but appear to be trying their hardest to reverse it.

But what's done is done, and since Liam can't take the warm greeting back, all he needs to do is explain what he was thinking.

So, Liam. You're a fan of Duck Dynasty. They're a bit homophobic, and some parts of the internet believe that you're endorsing their views.

"Oh my god can someone literally not be a fan if a show without bring labeled WTf I bought dinner the other day it made a news story.

It's unquestionably true that, as part of those piles of money you keep getting, there's an almost intolerable level of interest in your doings.

You might think that if you go out and buy a burrito and that gets picked over, that'd make you think carefully about saying 'you know what I like? That show where everyone threatened to pull out if the network suspended the guy who said that being gay was like fucking animals', so I'm not sure pretending to be Vicky Pollard here is going to help.

"What I gotta do to please you bastards I'm a 20 year old just living life as you did when u where twenty but in extraordinary circumstances.

Yeah. Quite a lot of people who are twenty are quite a way through their degree, Liam. If you were thirteen, or eight, "I am so young" could be fair enough. But twenty years old?

"I can't do anything without being judged u try that and write about it."

Again, if this was about the supper you chose the other night, you might have a fair point. But this is hugging a group who have trilled that black people were happier before the civil rights moment. I think it's the sort of thing you might expect observers to have a view about.

"Sick of all this bull il be back again when the freedom of speech law is back and people don't believe to much into the bulls*** they read."

Aaaaaah. Freedom of speech law. That'd be the law that you and Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty are free to say whatever they like, but nobody else has the right to call you on it.

There's not much indication he understands why people might want to ask him for clarification on his views.

There's not much evidence there was much thought at all.

One Direction: Man goes for a curry

The Wolverhampton Express and Star was excited to discover Liam Payne had popped out for a curry:

What a difference a day makes. Suited and booted, One Direction superstar leaves a Robbie Williams gig after rubbing shoulders with other celebrities - before returning home for a curry with his family in Wolverhampton the next night.

Liam sported a smart black suit and blue shirt when he stepped out with girlfriend Sophia Smith, also from Wolverhampton, after seeing Robbie Williams at the London Palladium on Friday.

The 20-year-old clutched a classic black mac in one hand and his girlfriend’s hand in the other, as the pair were snapped looking dapper.

Sophia, who went to St Peter’s Collegiate School with Liam, wore a black pencil dress and classic camel coat.

But 24 hours later, the boybander proved he’s still a Black Country kid at heart when he was spotted looking more casual during a visit to Penn Tandoori.

Liam toned his look down for the trip on Saturday night, when he was pictured wearing a white T-shirt, blue jeans and black leather jacket.

Yes, in order to pad out a slight 'man has food' story, the E&S not only describe what he was wearing when he had the curry, but the clothes he was wearing 24 hours earlier. I don't know Wolverhampton well, but surely even there the idea that someone has changed their clothes since the day before isn't a news story, is it?

Despite his global status and globe-trotting with his One Direction bandmates, down-to-earth Liam makes numerous trips back to Wolverhampton to visit his family.

That's not really being "down to earth", is it? That's just being a human and seeing your family. "He still talks to his mother - he's so grounded" isn't the sort of thing people say, is it?

Gordon in the morning: In which Gordon has trouble understanding a competition aimed at teenage girls

You - yes, YOU - could have "a date" with Harry Styles and Liam Payne. If you win it.

Gordon has all the details, although apparently hasn't read through them:

ONE DIRECTION are taking part in a charity auction that is bound to inspire a bidding frenzy.

As one of the prizes, HARRY STYLES and LIAM PAYNE will be giving away a joint date to help raise money for cancer charity Trekstock.

Err... except the charity sale isn't an auction, so it won't be "inspiring a bidding frenzy". In fact, Gordon seems to realise this later on:

Even small donations will be entered in the draw but you’ve got to be over 13 to get involved.

We've seen the Mail and the Mail On Sunday subtly rubbishing each other's stories; this, surely, is the first time ever an article's second half gently rubbishes the first half.

Gordon in the morning: You are a Gary

Pity poor Gordon Smart - at least for a moment. One Direction are much in demand, and would be like Google supermagnets right now. But they're dull. So there's barely anything to say about them.

In fact, this one story he's managed to scrabble out more-or-less underscores how dull they actually are:

ONE DIRECTION singer Liam Payne has been nicknamed Gary by his bandmates.

Not Moon. Not Lemmy. No, he's been nicknamed Gary. After Barlow:

Niall Horan said: "Liam has that Barlow aura. He says things like 'Come on boys, let's roll. Let's get going.' He knows it and can't deny it."

Personally, it looks like all the band have a Barlow aura. Ken, rather than Gary, but even Gary isn't much better.

Perhaps in time Liam will get a more racy nickname - Chief Accountant, maybe. Or Hugh Gaitskell.