Gordon in the morning: Going off at half-cock

Bloody hell, this pre-pubic punnage is harder work than going up the Shard by stairs:

In other news, how is The Saturdays' attempts to break America through the medium of reality TV series going?

THE Saturdays’ TV show following the girls trying to crack America has been canned — leaving their hopes of US stardom in tatters.

The singers failed to secure a second series of Chasing The Saturdays during talks with execs at channel E! in LA.

Insiders said bosses pulled the plug after viewing figures slumped to 100,000.

That rather understates how far the series shed viewers - it opened with nearly a million and dropped a third by week two; by the time the series limped to an end it was being watched by fewer people in the US than were sticking with it in the UK. Not that there were many of them, either.

Not only did the fail to break America; they couldn't even beat Disney's kid's puppet show Crash And Bernstein in the ratings.

Gordon in the morning: Take That split quietly

You might have thought that, given the way the return of Robbie Williams to Take That was tracked by Gordon, his departure would have created a bit more interest than a story buried half-way down the page.

It's not even Gordon who files the story, with Lucy Connolly instead picking up the tale:

X FACTOR judge Gary Barlow has revealed that Robbie Williams has once again left Take That.

Gary, 40, said the man band's recent reunion "ended perfectly" but they are back to being a four-piece.

And he insisted that some of their fans prefer the group WITHOUT 37-year-old Robbie.

Every inching towards the regrouping was met with a massive story, and yet he slips out the back door quietly with barely a word?

Gordon, meanwhile, has got a photo of some women showing their shoulders and decided that it's a naked picture of the Saturdays:

THE snapper who took this picture of The Saturdays is a clever bloke if he kept the bottom half for himself.

Rochelle, Una Healy, Frankie Sandford, Mollie King and Vanessa White could always use it as their Christmas card to their fellas.

They won't have to worry about any other presents if they include the whole image.

You realise, Gordon, you can have a photo taken of your bare shoulders without having to be completely naked, don't you?

Popjustice £20 Music Prize

You know, it's interesting that the big fuss that they used to make about the Mercury being worth twenty grand has been quietly dropped over the last few years; presumably a sign that the honour is worth it for itself and they don't need to wave a cheque to drag people along to play a song off the record.

It was the PopJustice £20 Music Prize which reminds me of how they used to make a fuss about the cash.

This year's PJ prize for single-minded single making has gone to The Saturdays, by the way. For this:

Gordon in the morning: Saturdays off

It doesn't take much to upset Gordon, as he prints a photo of The Saturdays and then writes what is, in effect, a long caption for the photo:

WAYNE BRIDGE would get a few odd looks if he stuck this snap on his dressing-room locker.

Really? What's strange about it?

It's not your usual girlband shot

Blimey. Let's take a look at this genre-defying, odd-look garnering photo (which Gordon has lifted from Look magazine):

That doesn't really look that usual, Gordon. What has worried you about it?

Two of The Saturdays are even wearing trousers.

Women. Wearing trousers. In 2011, for all the world like the 1960s actually happened. Whatever next, eh?

Edith Bowman: Rock critic

Edith Bowman unhappy with the current state of pop:

[She] hit out at current pop acts for offering nothing different, reports the Daily Star.

"We need something different - everyone is the same," she said.

Yes, yes, you've got a point there, Edith. If only you had some position to influence that - you know, like some sort of programme on a national radio station where you could promote new and interesting music. That'd be handy.

Perhaps you could try persuading Radio 1 to replace the woman with same name as you who does a programme for them - it can't be the same Edith Bowman, can it, as that Edith Bowman packs her show with The Hoosiers, 30 Seconds To Mars and Kasabian.

This Edith Bowman, the one talking to the Star, is much different. She has a mind like a forensic music-blade:

On The Saturdays, whose new single charted at number three yesterday, she added: "They are just copying Girls Aloud."

You know what, I think she might be right. I've investigated, and it's almost as if some people in an office had attempted to concoct a version of Girls Aloud that cost a little less to run using slightly cheaper ingredients. I can't imagine how I'd missed that before Edith pointed it out.

Mind you, having opened my mind to the possibility that this sort of thing happens, I'm now starting to suspect that Edith Bowman might just be copying Jo Whiley. Surely that can't be, though?

The Saturdays try cheapening product to attract audience

Oh, dear. It turns out that there is something more dispiriting than a pop group doing a soft porn photoshoot to try and boost their career. A pop group desperately dropping hints that they'd love to drop their skirts:

The Saturdays have reportedly admitted that they would consider posing naked for Playboy.

"We always say, 'Never say never,'" said Rochelle Wiseman[...]

Una Healy added: "I would consider it if there was a way of sneakily covering your bits."

Yes. That might be missing the point a little. You're confusing 'being in a cheeky WI calendar' with 'appearing in a masturbatory aid'.

Frankie - who is probably the closest thing The Saturdays have to someone who could probably get a proper job doing something useful - appears to have missed the band meeting:

"Oh my God, no! I’d never do it. Definitely not nude. Never."

Not only did nobody seem to have told Frankie they were going to try and raunch up their image, but they forgot to fill her in on the band motto being 'never say never'.

She added: "I do think it can look nice if it’s done tastefully."

... when she realised that the rest of the band were giving her the look they usually wheel out during the 'who is this band's Jason Orange' game.

ITV invite singers to sing in a slightly different way

It's very easy to write off everything ITV does as being a cheap rip-off of ideas the BBC has already tried. Except for when it's Simon Cowell being Mickie Most. Still, it's not like they're going to try and clone Maestro, the celebrities-being-classical-musicians show, are they?

Oh, yes they are:

Can eight singers from the world of pop transform their voices and master the art of opera? Find out as we join hosts Myleene Klass and Alan Titchmarsh for ITV’s sensational new singing show, Pop Star To Opera Star.

Oh, god.

It's even got Alex James on it, off of Maestro.

Hang about: didn't they say "eight singers"? Sure, he did a smattering of vocal bits for Blur, but he's hardly a singer, is he?

Who else is turning up for this?

Marcella Detroit

It's not like it's going to be the longest journey from her usual style to opera, is it? Nice to see her doing some work, though.

Bernie Nolan

There has to be a Nolan on all ITV programmes. It's mandated by Ofcom. The idea is, if you see a Nolan's face, you'll know what channel you're watching.

Kym Marsh

I suppose this is because she was ineligible for Soapstar Superstar. Or maybe it's a way of squeezing extra bang from the Corrie buck. Like when that bloke who plays Kirk was on Mr & Mrs. Expect to see Norris being interviewed by Piers Morgan soon.

Danny Jones

Yes, who used to be in McFly. He now looks like a man who has aged thirty years in the last ten. Perhaps it's the horror of knowing that people just want to see a photo of his cock.

Darius Campbell

Talking of 'people who exist mostly so that the internet can discus their penis', it's the return of Darius.

Yes, it is the same Darius - he's taken his mother's maiden name. Nobody quite seems sure why - The Sun suggested it was because "Hollywood is going Scots crazy" on account of, erm, Gerard Butler doing well. But given the same Sun piece has Dane...Campbell's agent admitting that they don't know why he's changed his name, that seems unlikely. And given that Campbell is doing this sort of thing, it's not like he's really pushing for a lead in the next Bond movie, is it?

Jimmy Osmond

Oh, Lord. Still, seeing as he was doing Come Dine With Me over Christmas, this might constitute a comeback.

Vanessa White

She's in The Saturdays and, according to the list in front of me, will be one of the Sugababes during the autumn.

[Big thanks to @NerysX for the link]

Darkness at 3AM: Boots, Saturdays and Tweets

Here's how 3AM are covering a supposed airline incident featuring Little Boots and The Saturdays:

She may be a pop princess but there was stamping of Little Boots at a Heathrow check-in when the Lancs lass was refused an upgrade.

Little Boots - real name Victoria Hesketh - was gutted when she was told there would be no superstar treatment for her on the 11-hour Virgin flight to LA. Then to make matters worse she heard a rumour her pals The Saturdays had been moved to Upper Class on the same flight. But Frankie from the girl band assured the Blackpool singer there had been no special treatment for them either. The Saturdays were flying out to record material for their new album and speak to record companies about cracking the US. But even with their huge workload Virgin would not budge.

Wow, how do the 3AM Girls get these stories?

In this case, apparently by reading Twitter, and making up large piles of stuff to go round it.

This is what Little Boots tweeted:

ON SAME PLANE AS THE SATS! This flight just got a whole lot better.

Maybe I can dress up as 6th member and try get an upgrade?? I can so a good rendition of Up!! Flight is too full though :(

And this is what Frankie from The Saturdays said:

@iamlittleboots oh no don't worry were right there with you. No upgrade for us

Perhaps the reason the Mirror didn't want to acknowledge the source of their "story" was because the reality was it was a bit of good-natured mucking about; no 'rumours'; no stamping of feet.

Or perhaps the 3AM Girls are reluctant to point out to their readership that they could actually get the stories 24 hours earlier, for free, by reading Twitter.

Gordon in the morning: He shoots... he... misses

The Saturdays turned up to do a set at some sort of corporate bash disguised as a charity event. Gordon has the details:

YOU’LL be seeing an awful lot more this year of THE SATURDAYS, who are stepping into GIRLS ALOUD territory with their stunning looks and catchy pop.

Their apt name landed them a gig at the HMV Football Extravaganza in London on Tuesday night...

Apt name? For an event on a Tuesday? What do you mean, Gordon?

... in front of a roomful of people who have dedicated their lives to Saturday afternoon football.

Oh. It's appropriate because they're called The Saturdays, and back before Gordon's boss ruined everything, football used to mainly happen on Saturday afternoons.

Tottenham manager HARRY REDKNAPP, who received a lifetime achievement award at the bash, then played a blinder at its charity auction. One of the lots was the chance to play a game with mates at White Hart Lane, with Harry managing one team and son JAMIE the other.
[...]
But Jamie sealed the deal by texting Chelsea and England captain JOHN TERRY to secure his services. Bidding ended with £32,000 in the pot for the Nordoff-Robbins Music Therapy charity.

It’s a pleasure to hear something other than how much Premier League players earn a week these days. Hats off to them.

Ah yes. Bidding stupid sums of money for vaguely-defined lots. That's all about the charity, and nothing about how awash with cash footballers are.

Gordon in the morning: Flogging H.Bauer's Magazines

Not only has Gordon's team somehow got really confused and concluded that reproducing the cover of this month's FHM is some sort of exclusive, but it seems a little late to be even trying to pull that when the magazine's already been on the shelves for a couple of days.

Perhaps someone saw the copy with the word "Saturdays" on it and assumed that it was an embargo rather than the subject?

So, yes, it's The Saturdays - or the Pussycat Girls Aloud, as it seems likely the working title would have been. Or Thunderbugs 2.0, as would seem appropriate. They're confident, they tell FHM:

Rochelle, a Miss England finalist, said: “I believe we’ll be a household name.”

Yes. There won't be a household in the country that hasn't heard of Saturdays by the end of the month, that's for sure.

Actually, there's something almost sweet about aiming to be a "household name", which a phrase that predates the concept of always-on celebrity.

Meanwhile, Gordon has been going through Robbie Williams' accounts, which makes a change from sending people to go through his bins.

Actually, I say Gordon has. He's got in an expert:

A bean-counting source revealed:

Yes. Gordon fears his audience might struggle with a concept like "accountant" or even "a money expert". It's a bean-counting source. Or perhaps he really did ask someone whose job was counting beans for a living.

Smart seems incensed that Williams took five million quid in salary last year:

Rob has given himself the incredible salary from his own business, The In Good Company, despite a pretty dire year for his books.

He paid himself out of his own money. Doesn't he realise that's not the way we do things anymore? You're meant to lose everyone else's money, and then pay yourself from emergency funds drawn from central taxation.

To be fair, five million quid for a year when he's done nothing much might seem outrageous, but it's not like he doesn't have income streams from back catalogue and so on which is going to bring in money for him. And surely he's better he lives off his past rather than churning out more of his stuff?