I collect, I reject: A fool and his money are soon centre-parted

Someone's just splashed 24 thousand quid on a lock of John Lennon's hair.

Imagine no possessions, eh? Whatever would we have to put into auctions.

Buckcherry sex toys empire set to expand

Did you know that Buckcherry market their own range of sex toys? I'm assuming their dildos, if they're anything like their music, will be a bit disappointing - you can see what they're trying to do, but it's not very satisfying and nowhere near hard enough.

Still, their popular with their fans, according to the band's Josh Todd:

The band has its own line of sex toys, Crazy Bitch Toys. Are the products hot sellers?

Yes! We have a dildo, condoms and are working on adding a vibrator and butt-plug. People like us to sign them, usually. I hope they use them. We have some things in the works though it’s too soon to talk about them.

I'm not sure I'd use the phrase "we have some things in the works" when talking about sex toy development.

The idea that Buckcherry are busily trying to design a butt-plug is somehow cheering. Or at least more cheering than the thought they might be writing more songs.

Blur hanging around

The real disappointment about Damon Albarn having to be dragged off stage is that nobody actually pulled him off stage with a giant hook, along these lines:

On the other hand, as Blur have just launched an own-brand ice cream which you can buy in actual shops, maybe a gentle hook is too good for him.

Actually, judging by the unimpressed reaction to his Alice musical, it's possible a gentle hook is beyond Albarn these days.

I collect, I reject: Johnny Ramone's guitar

Fancy owning a guitar once owned by Johnny Ramone? One is coming up for auction:

In very good condition, with various nicks and dings to body, and several areas of duct tape residue from Johnny’s guitar strap.

Mmm. Gotta love it when the duct-tape residue is in very good condition.

- This guitar is covered in gunk
- It's okay - that was Johnny's gunk
- Ooh, that adds a hundred dollars to the value right there

Phil Collins surrenders Alamo collection

Back in 2010, you might remember we all discovered that Phil Collins had a massive collection of Alamo memorabilia. The idea of so much American heritage being held in a private collection in Switzerland seemed a little odd to some of us.

It seems like it worried Phil, too. So he's given the whole lot back to the State of Texas.

It's not clear why Phil's decided to hand his stuff over now, although having Ozzy Osborne constantly popping round to piss over your collection is probably off-putting.

The only downside to this is that it gives Texans another chance to be all about how great Texans are. Might have been better if Phil had given the stash to Mexico.

I collect, I reject: Blur

Oh god. Oh god. Oh holy god. I cannot decide if it would be worse to discover that Blur think this:

... is "ironic", or if they're deadly serious.

A Blur flat cap.

(There's also a tea set.)

A Blur flat cap. It's such a terrible thing, I want to buy one to wear just so that I can be sure of being able to find a person wearing one - me - to slap about the face with a copy of SugarApe.

Oh god. You can just imagine them honking when this came to be signed off, can't you? You can just picture Alex James, putting down his sodding cheese board to giggle at THE VERY IDEA. You can close your eyes and see Damon Albarn putting his call to Malawi on hold to pull on a prototype. You can see Phil Daniels walking through the back of the shot, wearing one.

Damien Hirst is using a Bedazzler to cover his in Swarovski crystals.

It's a Blur flat cap.

And there's also a tea set.

Stuart Maconie was unavailable for comment, but reports suggested he was eating every one of the 272 pages of every copy of 3862 Days that was ever published, in the hope that it might make it stop.

Blur have launched a flat cap. With their logo on.

Graham Coxon has produced a Venn Diagram, with "northern" and "southern" sections, and the word IRONY written in the middle.

A flat cap. From Blur.

Time ticks on for Mika and Swatch

What do Mika and Swatch have in common?

Yes, yes, besides both having once been inexplicably popular despite reeking of clunky, bright coloured plastic. And now being pretty much biding their time until they can scramble onto an ironic retro revival.

Besides that.

It turns out they're both thirty years old, and so Mika has been invited to design Swatches to celebrate.

In fact, not watches but:

two colourful timepieces inspired by tribal mask motifs

Yeah, they're busy watches.

To me, it looks like it's just a bunch of vague, patronising tribey-wibey stuff lobbed together. But I'm perhaps being unfair. Mike, explain you vision to us:

“The patterns are a mix of designs that can be found in Tunisian, Moroccan, other African and Oceanic tribal motifs,” according to Mika. “The tribal mask heads are a mix of sources; it’s difficult to pinpoint what they might be. But it doesn’t really matter, because they have the same function ― they’re there to inspire curiosity and awe.”

Ah. It doesn't really matter whether there's any coherence to the work so long as you can think about it. That might sound like the sort of lazy cop-out you'd come up with if you'd just knocked something together, but I'm sure it isn't.

Swatch have produced 999 of the more expensive version of the watch; they call this a limited edition; I suspect it's an overoptimistic oversupply.

Happy birthday, Master Mika.

I collect, I reject: Bobbleheads

A message arrives from a retailer of bobbleheads, announcing a new toy in the range:

The [name redacted] figures have finally arrived (we just took this photo on the right). We apologize for the delay, but Drastic Plastic did an amazing job with her likeness and details.

Ah, yes. The delay while the bobblehead manufacturers were doing such a great job.

Here's their work:

Any ideas?

Apparently meant to be Debbie Harry.

I collect, I reject: Looking for somewhere to store your Joy Division oven gloves?

Ian Curtis' kitchen table is up for sale on eBay.

At the moment, it's over £6,000, which means its already three times the original budget of the ruinously expensive Factory Records boardroom table. And with five days to go, it might wind up costing more than that table eventually did...

NME oversells products

What's this, NME?

Dinosaur Jr have launched their own clothing line.

Really? J Mascis has been up all night fretting over hemlength, has he?

Frontman J Mascis has teamed up with New York clothing company Mishka for a range of band-branded beanie hats, T-shirts and jackets.

Ah, so when you say "launched their own clothing line", you mean "put some band merchandise on sale."

The cycle of life in action

John Merrick was a sensation; he wasn't like other men.

Michael Jackson was a sensation; he wasn't like other men.

Lady GaGa was a sensation; she wasn't like other women.

John Merrick had a terrible life. He left behind a skeleton.

Michael Jackson had a terrible life. He left behind photos of his head all burned after trying to sell soda.

Michael Jackson tried to buy John Merrick's skeleton.

Lady GaGa is trying to buy the Jackson injury photos.

Showbusiness turns; it then turns again.

I Collect, I Reject: Engraved double dongs

Yeah, tshirts are nice. Fridge magnets? They're okay. But for top-notch band stuff, turn to Kurt Braunohler.

He's not just sending out double-headed dongs.

Oh, no. He's engraving personalised messages onto those double-headed dongs.

Makes your One Direction socks look a bit lacking, right?

Pete Doherty is Alf Roberts

The best running sketch on the last radio series of Mitchell and Webb was the one where old ladies questioned people about their jobs, usually suggesting they'd be better off opening a little shop instead.

It seems Pete Doherty has half-taken this to heart, although his shop is naturally self-obsessed:

British rocker Pete Doherty has set up a shop in London to sell off his personal items and memorabilia from his bands Babyshambles and The Libertines.

In effect: imagine a pile of bags left outside a house when someone moves out. Now imagine if those bags were opened, and price labels stuck on the contents. There you are.

These are Paul McCartney's pants, I swear

A jazz musician is trying to flog off what he reckons are Paul McCartney's old leather trousers.

Mike Hoggard claims Brian Epstein gave him the trews at the Cavern Club; Epstein was trying to persuade the band to wear suits instead of leather, apparently, and so was giving the clothes away. Look, apparently it says "Paul" in the trousers, so what further proof do you need?

Mr Hoggard, who has now owned the trousers for more than 50 years, said he recently rediscovered them when he was moving house.

He said his Yorkshire Jazz Band played regularly at the legendary Cavern Club between 1960 and 1961. At the time, a little-known band called The Beatles were their support group.

"The trousers were in a bag hanging up [in the dressing room]. Epstein said to take them because he wanted to get them out of the leather and into these suits.

"So I took them and I wore them. At the time they [The Beatles] weren't famous at all, so there was no sort of thought about 'I've got something that's massively invaluable' or anything like that, just I fancied a pair of leather trousers."

Mike's son-in-law reckons you can recognise the trousers in photos of the time, soon.

Hang on, though... were the Beatles being moved onto suits at this time?

Walter Smith made their suits for their first Granada TV appearance in 1962; that raises the possibility that McCartney was swanning round Liverpool without any trousers at all.

Mind you, while we're looking at the Beatle trousers, it's worth mentioning that after Smith had suited them up, London tailor Dougie Millings wasn't impressed. The band turned up to see him for suits shortly afterwards:

It all began in the fall of 1962, a time Dougie Millings remembered because it coincided with the release of the Beatles' first single, ''Love Me Do.'' Brian Epstein, the Beatles' manager, brought the group to Mr. Millings' shop at 63 Compton Street in the Soho section of London. There was a grand piano in the basement.

And how were the soon-to-be conquerors of the hearts of the world's teenage girls dressed? ''Well in hand-me-downs, really,'' Mr. Millings told GQ magazine in April 2000. ''Not well.''

Charming.

So far, Paul has been tight-lipped on if these are his trews or not. We'll keep you posted.

Rihanna takes on Philip Green

There's a confusing court case gathering in the wings as Rihanna sues TopShop over a tshirt with her face on that the Tory sacking advisor Philip Green (sorry, I mean "Philip Green's wife", don't I?) was flogging without her permission.

The oddity is that in a rather detailed unattributed source briefing to the New York Post, Rihanna's team more-or-less admitted that she doesn't have much of case:

The source said, “Rihanna’s management asked Topshop a number of times to stop selling her image and were told, ‘We do what we want.’ They buy the pictures from a photographer, but they do not pay the artist licensing fees. Unfortunately, UK law does not protect the artist.

What is most offensive for Rihanna is that they basically told her, ‘Go to hell. We don’t care; we are going to continue selling you.’ Topshop is now in the United States. They set up in Manhattan and Nordstrom, but they know better than to do this in the US because they would get in trouble,” our source continued.

I'm not a lawyer, but I think admitting there's no law which protects artists from having their faces splashed on tshirts might weaken your case somewhat.

Why is she pushing ahead?

“Even though the UK laws don’t protect the artist, she has decided to move forward and sue Topshop. She has spent almost $1 million in litigation at this point. She says it’s the principle, and wants to make a statement about it. They are taking advantage of artists. It is just exploitation. What they are doing is wrong.”

Yeah, when you go into TopShop and see the tshirts made by people earning pennies, it's really the exploitation of multimillionaire Rihanna that you should be focusing on.

Still, burning through a million dollars to make a point isn't a bad way of spending the money you have and don't know what to do with. It's not like you're creating bigger problems for yourself, is it?

Sorry... what were you saying, New York Post?

We’re told the case is now in discovery. Rihanna has handed over details of her fashion deals with Armani and River Island, a competitor to Topshop in the UK.

So in order to pursue a case you admit is likely to not go anywhere, you've handed over top-secret details of a deal with a competitor to a company who you believe are exploitative?

Who on earth is advising you?

GWAR manage to turn condiment range into violence against women

There's two things here. First, GWAR, even if you're launching a chilli sauce - even a hot chilli sauce - you're still just getting into selling condiments.

That puts them in the same space as, well, this guy:

However, if you must try and stretch your brand into sauces, condiments, pickles and chutneys, try not to do it like this:

The band's guitar player Balsac, has said that Gwar-B-Q sauce "is mostly made out of the blood of really hot chicks." He adds that such a use is "a terrible waste of fine ass, but ultimately worth it because this sauce is absolutely delicious."

Ha ha ha, murdering women and making food out of them. Hilarious. I can't imagine why HP haven't brought out an Ed Gein Limited Edition flavour.

Rihanna offers $250 album

Times are tough for selling physical products in the music industry, so I suppose you've got to be impressed at Rihanna offering a copy of her CD which costs $250.

She does throw some stuff in to sweeten the deal:

The Diamonds Executive Platinum Box edition includes a copy of the album, a 2GB credit card-style USB, a unisex T-shirt with a Michael Muller photo printed on, and seven art print 12x15 lithographs.

It will also contain three device adhesives featuring Rihanna's Unapologetic cover, logo and image, seven laptop stickers, a vinyl featuring remixes of her single 'Diamonds' and a View-Master containing 3D images depicting her style transformation.

Some stickers, a t-shirt and - oooooh! a two gigabyte memory card. A whole two gig.

Okay, I'll admit the idea of a Viewmaster is quite a nice idea, but they only cost a tenner. An eight track edition - that might have been a move.

Lady GaGa follows Madonna into the bottled water industry

Of course Lady GaGa is going to start squeezing her fans dry by flogging water to them.

Madonna, you'll recall, was part of the scam flogging supposed magicky-god-flavoured Kabbalah water. At least GaGa is only going to be making made-up science claims:

[New York Daily News] Confidenti@l has learned the pop superstar is on the verge of launching a “healthy drinking water brand” that will be floated out through a multimillion-dollar global advertising campaign.

Thank God GaGa will spare us from all that unhealthy water sloshing around the shop shelves - brands like Evian Crawling With Staphylococci, Perrier Avec Matière Fécale and Tesco Everyday Value Sparkling Toilet Water.

The NY Daily News tries to link the launch of Expensive Water with that stupidity a few weeks back when people started to suggest that Lady GaGa had "gotten a bit chunky" or whatever it was supposed to be:

"Gaga has been at the center of a lot of attention over her weight increase,” a spy tells us. “Losing her weight in such a short time and launching a healthy water drink may be part of a plan.”

Given that launching a international FMCG brand like a water isn't something you can do on a whim, that would imply that GaGa's "fat" period was actually part of the plan.

But why would you launch water if you were engineering a "look, I've been on a crash diet" marketing scheme? Wouldn't some sort of, you know, diet product?

More importantly, if you were going to try and sell water at a massive mark-up by being fat and then losing weight suddenly, wouldn't you have actually had to have put on some weight visible to anyone other than the succubus who writes the Daily Mail website?

You'd have to suspect that there's no connection to the non-story of GaGa putting on weight; like everything else she's done for the last couple of years, there's only one sort of pound that motivates her.

Elvis: Crypt no-go

At the start of the month, you might remember a crypt in which the corpulent corpse of the late Elvis Presley rested while paperwork was completed turned up on an auction site.

Put your money back in your pocket, Dickinson: fans have decided that this is somehow an affront to his memory, and had the auction cancelled.

Oddly, the various other assaults on his memory - the Elvis-branded banana-flavoured peanut butter cups; the official golden sunglasses; the locks of hair with certificates of authenticity - this seems to be fine with the fans who lap them up.

I collect, I reject: Elvis' crypt

What do you get the Elvis fan who has everything? Here's perhaps the ultimate piece of memorabilia - assuming you'd draw the line at getting a spade and sneaking past security at Graceland: Elvis' crypt is up for sale:

This lot includes: permanent ownership of the crypt where Elvis was once entombed; opening and closing of the vault and crypt for burial; memorialization inscription; and use of a small chapel for a committal service. Transportation and funeral home charges are not included.

It wasn't just Elvis - his mother Gladys also was there for a while, while permission for burial at Graceland was being processed. But it's not been used since:

This original crypt has remained empty with a statue of Elvis commemorating his time there and as a visiting place for those coming to remember The King.

"Commerating his time there" - I suppose, to be fair, he did spend longer in the crypt than he ever did in the UK, although he didn't really do very much while he was there.

Starting bids are sought at one hundred thousand dollars. That sort of money would buy you a three bedroom house elsewhere in Memphis.