Two good reasons to vote against Cameron tomorrow

Lord Lloyd-Webber and Simon Cowell have both instructed you to vote Conservative.

Lloyd-Webber thinks its all about the economy:

Lord Lloyd Webber said that given the state of the public finances, “We have to vote Tory. They do represent our only hope when times get rough.”

Yes. Readers in the North of England and Scotland will particularly remember how Thatcher kept the wine and gold flowing during the dark days of the 1980s.

The Telegraph thinks this is something to do with the BBC, because he's on a BBC programme and so, right, that's got to be something, hasn't it?

His comments were an embarrassment for the BBC, which tries to maintain impartiality between the political parties during election campaigns.

But it's not like he made the comments on Over The Rainbow, is it? And Lloyd Webber endorsing the Tories isn't much of a surprise, is it? The man's got a Thatcher tattoo on his left pec.

Over in The Sun, Simon Cowell is telling you how to vote:

"I have always hated celebrities lecturing people on politics. So forgive me."

You know what? I'm not sure I can.

But I am passionate about this country.

It's true; sometimes he thinks when he's doing America's Got Talent or American Idol how much more fun he'd be having if he was at home.

"I am equally passionate about the potential of the people who live here."

This might come as news to George Sampson.

I don't believe a General Election is the X Factor.

Choosing how you vote should not be a snap verdict based on a few minutes of television. We are not talent show judges picking pretty-sounding contestants now.

Didn't Cowell appear on Newsnight a few weeks back suggesting that there should be an X Factor style contest to determine political solutions?

Cowell claims he isn't telling anyone how to vote - watch as he shows no favour to any party:

Cowell describes Labour's Gordon Brown as a "sincere man" but says the PM is "tired".

He warns of the dangers of a hung parliament and casts doubts on the Lib Dems and Nick Clegg, saying: "I worry about a lot of his policies."

And of Tory leader David Cameron, he says: "I like him, I trust him. He has substance and the stomach to navigate us through difficult times."

It turns out though, that he's telling the truth - this isn't Cowell telling people how to vote. He's actually acting as a puppet for his richer-but-less-famous-mate:

The masses of red tape, regulation and political correctness have tied us all up in knots.

On this I agree with Sir Philip Green - one of Britain's most successful businessmen, who runs the clothing chain Arcadia, including Top Shop, Miss Selfridge, Burton and Dorothy Perkins.

Green - sorry, Cowell - wants government to just make businesspeople richer:

It's the government's job to encourage entrepreneurialism and investment. Most importantly, it's the government's duty to inspire confidence.

It should give hope to the younger generation to build on our wonderful heritage. It should inspire us to get out there and create and invent.

And then it should get right out of the way.

In other words, the government should tell banks what to do - lend lots of cash - but not tell any other business what to do.

Right now it takes twice as long to start a business in the UK as it does in the USA.

What does that mean? The British 'open' sign is so heavy it takes two people to turn it round in a shop window? If this is true, couldn't Cowell at least have explained it - do you have to save up twice as long? Are business start-up people generally twice as far into their working lives in the UK than they are in the US? Or - like his vaguely worded bollocks about knife crime - is Cowell simply making shit up?

It's important, because he's very precise on his next point:

I was recently told that around 40,000 new regulations have been introduced since 1998 - that's 14 every working day.

Yes, perhaps - but not all 40,000 apply to everybody. It's like counting diversions applied to the road network as a whole and concluding you'll never make it to the end of your street.

Personally I think the worst result is a hung parliament. It ends in months of stupid arguments and then a dull compromise, which means nothing will ever get achieved.

Cowell was fourteen the last time there was a balanced parliament in the UK, and it's amazing that he has such a clear memory of what it might mean. To be honest, it's only really Cameron who's pushing this lie - but you'd have thought that managing to balance a party with a few token minorities and some batting-wild extremists for four years would have made him look forward to the simpler task of brokering power in a coalition. Isn't he just saying he's incapable of compromising?

Still, if Cowell's backing Cameron, it'll be because he's got good, solid reasons for it, right?

I have met David on two occasions. I liked him immediately. I trust him and he was very quick to commit to helping with a serious funding deficit for a children's hospice charity I am involved with.

I have always trusted my gut instinct - and this was a guy who I thought would do the right things for this country.

Oh, do I feel stupid? A month of watching the news and reading the papers, and all I needed to do was wait for a gurgle from Cowell's bowels.

Cowell, you see, loves this country:

I am passionate about this country and I am equally passionate about the potential of the people who live here.

My proudest achievement has been the success of the shows and artists I have been involved with, because they were made in Britain.

Yes. American Idol. America's Got Talent. American Inventor. Those brilliant shows, made here, in Britain.

I have seen that the American Dream is a reality - and I would love to feel the British Dream is also a reality.

The American Dream? Where anyone can come to America with nothing and make it big? If anything good has come out of Cowell's late intervention, it's his endorsement of mass immigration as a means to build a better nation.

Seriously, though: if your voting decision is influenced in any way by Simon Cowell, do us all a favour. Stay at home tomorrow.