The Virgin returns? Branson plots return to UK radio

He's got a couple of years to come to his senses, but ages after he flogged off Virgin Radio, and a few weeks after that network was forced to change its name to something Absolutely Bloody Awful, there's reports that Richard Branson is plotting to bid for Classic FM's licence when it comes up for renewal in 2011/2012.

Oh, it gets better, though: Kelvin MacKenzie is also involved, according to PaidContent. Kelvin MacKenzie. The man who, on Question Time last week, suggested that you could disprove global warming because 99% of scientists agree it's happening, while a year ago 99% of economists agreed the economy would continue to thrive. You wouldn't put a man with that degree of flawed logic in charge of restacking the shelves in a Virgin megastore, never mind in charge of an FM rock network, would you?

Absolute accuracy

If yesterday's pre-Rajar announcement that Absolute was expecting a ten-to-fifteen per cent drop in audience was supposed to manage expectations down, they perhaps didn't go far enough. Audiences are twenty per cent down on what they were before.

Brave faces all round, people:

The Absolute chief operating officer Clive Dickens, who blamed the drop on listener confusion over the station's new name, said: "Absolute Radio has had just 15 weeks to sink into the nation's ears.

"When Oasis were 15 weeks old they told everyone they were going to be one of the biggest bands in the world. Fifteen years on, now look at them. We have the same aspirations."

Hmm. When Bagsy The Magic Spanner were 15 weeks old, they told everyone they were going to be one of the biggest bands in the world. So did Combine Thresher. And Explore The Big Teapot. And the thing is, Absolute isn't fifteen weeks old. It's an old, old radio station that just happens to have a different name. And if the rebrand has cost you one out of five of your audience, then it's a rebrand you've failed to carry off successfully. Making empty Gallagher-like noises about how you're going to be the Oasis of the Radio Industry can't really disguise the terrible sink the network is in.

Also interesting from the latest batch of audience numbers: Chris Moyles audience is more-or-less the same as it was this time last year, raising the intriguing possibility that he's at the natural limits of his attraction.

Absolute decline: Former Virgin nervously awaits results

Tomorrow, the audience figures for UK radio are released, and amongst those expecting an awkward time of it are the team at Absolute Radio, or Virgin as what it was called. They're expecting a large drop in audience:

Tomorrow's figures are expected to show a drop of about 10% to 15%. Absolute Radio would not comment on the size of the drop until the Rajar figures are officially published tomorrow at 7am.

However, management at Absolute Radio, who met advertising agencies today, said the station remained on course to hit its two-year audience target of 3.5 million listeners.

It's not entirely clear how the collapse of an already-declining audience is "on course" for a massive increase, unless the idea is to cull most of the old audience to make room for new ones. Like when you knock down twenty Victorian terrace houses and cram in thirty modern semis in place.

Apparently, the drop is because of the rebrand:

"We know from our internal research that a significant proportion of our audience still believe they are listening to a radio station branded Virgin," said the Absolute Radio programme and operations director, Clive Dickens.

"We are 15 weeks into our new brand as opposed to 15 years of Virgin Radio and 40 years of the Virgin brand. There has never been a rebrand of this scale in commercial radio before."

This is a bit confusing, though: if the people who are still listening think they're still listening to Virgin, does that mean the ones who have deserted are the ones who did realise the station was now something else entirely? It doesn't entirely give you confidence for the future if the people listening haven't noticed that it's changed.

It's also going to be a bit of an uphill sell to advertisers, isn't it? "Our audience apparently haven't noticed that for the last fifteen weeks we've been using a different name every ten minutes. Would you like to give us some money so that we can tell them about your product?"

It's all down to the RAJAR diary system:

Dickens said: "We strongly support the Rajar diary system, but knowing the name of the station you are listening to instinctively off the top of your head is one of the most important barometers for completing that diary.

"We feel there is a really strong set of explanations as to why we expect to receive a number that has gone backwards rather than forwards in the first 15 weeks. We know it is underreporting. The important thing for a media company like us is to stay focused on the end goal."

Perhaps. But if a listener goes to tick 'Virgin' in his diary, and it isn't there, shouldn't they then go "that's odd... oh, they're called Absolute now, aren't they?" After fifteen weeks, surely they should?

They've lost their Virginity, but still have the box it came in

So, you'll have been wondering what bright idea The Times Of India, new owners of Virgin Radio, would come up for the enforced rebrand of their radio network.

Something sharp, memorable, and distinctive, you'd assume.

Wrongly, as it turns out: they've gone with Absolute.

Yes, it's a weak, meaningless bubble of a name, but there is an upside:

The decision was made more convenient by the fact that the company already owns the Absolute trademark and web domain name.

Why bother going to all that time and expense when they've already got a URL they could just shove the whole lot underneath. It should be pointed out, though, they only own absolute.co.uk - which is already forwarding on to the Virgin Radio site - but not absolute.com.

There's a new logo, too - yes, they really have gone with the 'fast forward button' idea. It's not clear which sixth form college communication studies class came up with this classy rebrand, but lets hope they can make up the loss ground on the coursework when they come to do the exams.

The other plan announced today is a cost-cutting move to share programming over the Virgin - sorry, Absolute - digital channels. They've attempted to spin this:

The company's two digital stations - Virgin Radio Xtreme and Virgin Radio Classic Rock - will rebrand to Absolute Xtreme and Absolute Classic Rock. In addition, both digital stations will now carry the main national AM station's breakfast and drive-time shows.

In addition, new Absolute Classic Rock and Absolute Xtreme shows will be hosted on the main station.

[Chief executive Donnach] Dickens said: "DAB is a big driver for us going forward and we have to put great live content on DAB. Our two digital stations are effectively like +1 TV channels and, by sharing key talent and programmes, it allows us to cross promote the digital channels on the main station, like TV channels already do."

In what way, exactly, are what were originally specialist niche stations like a TV channel broadcasting the same programming an hour later? And couldn't the networks cross-promote each other without large chunks of the programmes being the same? Indeed, isn't there more value in saying "over on Vir... Absolute Classic now, something different" rather than "you can hear this programme on two other networks, for some reason..."?

JK and Go-el

About a year after landing at Virgin, JK and Joel are moving on:

The Virgin Radio chief operating officer, Clive Dickens, said the pair - real names Jason King and Joel Ross - were leaving "to do yet more TV".

Is it just me, or does that sound laced with sarcasm, given that their TV work to date hasn't exactly sent IMDB scrabbling about to increase server capacity - Hider In The House, kids TV vaguely unsettling 'can you hide an adult in your bedroom' gameshow; Sing It Back's ITV karaoke one-off; an episode of Loose Women and - for one of them - a spot of B-List sweating for The Games. Yet more TV, eh? You can see why they need the space for that.

Virgin no longer?

One of the side-effects of the Virgin radio sale to the Times of India is a probable name change.

Part of the write-down in price comes because the station can only use the Virgin brand for three months:

Sir Richard Branson’s Virgin group objected to the buyer’s use of the brand name because Bennett Coleman competes with the Hindustan Times group, with which Virgin has a joint venture in India.

So, they've bought a medium wave radio station without a name. Not, perhaps, the greatest of deals.

This means that most of the £15million quid the new owners are spending on the station isn't going to be "improving" it, but merely trying to push a new name.

Virgin Radio now brought to you by... the Times of India

You might not have expected that one, eh? SMG have flogged off Virgin Radio to The Times Of India Group. We think this is the first major UK media asset to be picked up by an Indian media organisation - although we're happy to be corrected on that one.

The real interest is in the amount that SMG are pocketing from the deal: £53.2 million. It paid £225 million when it bought it back in 2000. Which suggests that the station has been losing about twenty million quids' worth of value every year. Lets hope the new owners have some ideas, otherwise they've got about three years before all Virgin will be good for is swapping for two Kenny Dalglish stickers.

Christian charity

MediaGuardian has audio from this morning's Christian O'Connell show where Virgin's breakfast show attempted to punch above its weight when last night's Apprentice firee Simon was late for the interview slot.

We imagine that O'Connell imagined that getting his producer to tell Simon on air he was too late before talking to the show's PR - also on the Mic - was meant to be in some way amusing; trouble is, it backfired terribly.

Had it been one of the more smug Apprentice contestants, closing down the interview might have been funny. But as Simon is incredibly popular, and his reaction to being told he wouldn't be was a good-natured "fair enough, thank you anyway", it just made O'Connell and his team seem incredibly mean spirited.

The berating of press woman Emma, though, was even worse: petulant, self-important bullying:

"We haven't got time now Emma, you've missed your slot. This is Christian live on air. We arranged to do it at five past eight. I've been plugging this show for years. It's late, it's shabby, and Heart are getting it before me. No way. It's over."

If you're going to try and throw your weight about, Christian, you might want to check the your own heft first - the weasly "I've been plugging this show for years" is the sort of line deserving of a boardroom put-down. Where do you really think The Apprentice would be without the endorsement of Virgin's breakfast show? Probably still in the place it's in now, don't you think?

Still, we're sure Heart will be delighted to know they can have a couple of extra minutes with next week's firee.

Wilde, Wilde radio

With Tony Hadley off on some sort of holiday, Virgin Radio needs someone to fill his shoes. They've got Kim Wilde to cover over Easter.

Which is great, and will help fight the impression that Virgin is a bit blokey, right?

"Kim is an absolute 80s icon and a sex kitten to boot," said Mark Bingham, the programme manager at Virgin Radio.

Hmm. Although Kim is a bit of a sex kitten, we're not sure we recall anyone describing Hadley or Suggs through their sexuality when they joined the station, did they?

DJobit: Kevin Greening

The former Radio One breakfast show presenter Kevin Greening has died.

The manager of the 44 year-old said Greening died "peacefully" in his sleep, but gave no further details.

Greening would claim that his start in broadcasting came editing tapes for Checkpoint and Roger Cook, but his route to Radio One was more traditional - after a stint on BBC Radio Solent, he joined GLR at a time when the London station was at its sharpest. A brief stint at the start-up Virgin Radio was followed by the move to Radio One in 1993.

Something of an acquired taste - Greening's show was one of the last to employ comedy voices and characters (Raymond Sinclair, Major Hold-ups), making him like an erudite Steve Wright - his career highpoint came when Matthew Bannister was rushing to correct the fall-out from the Radcliffe and Lard breakfast experiment. He was thrown into a double act with Zoe Ball on breakfast, providing the radio experience to partner with Ball's high profile. The partnership lasted only until Ball started to gain in confidence, then Greening was cut free and floated about the schedules until his contract expired in early New Year, 2000.

There followed a long period where Greening struggled to find a permanent niche - a year at Five Live; some time at London Live (the renamed GLR) where he found himself playing the same role with Amanda Hussein as he did with Zoe Ball at Radio One; Jazz FM, Heart; a surprisingly successful stint at Xfm before winding up at Smooth in London. Greening's trouble was he was a man who had a unique style at a time when commercial radio is obsessed with smoothing out any sign of individuality; he was, effectively, out of the time when he would have flourished.

Virgin's door bangs again

Is Virgin Radio really in a constant state of schedule flux, or is it just the impression they give? No sooner had the line-up been reworked to make way for JK and Joel and Iain 'off the 11 O'Clock Show which had Ali G on it' Lee, than Suggs announces he's quitting the afternoon show. Suggs only took up the job less than a year ago.

Virgin cuts digital networks

Virgin Radio is - depending on your viewpoint - scaling back its digital operations or focusing its firepower with the announcement of the closure of Virgin Radio Groove and the axing of plans to bring a female-focused station, Virgin Radio Viva, to DAB.

This leaves Virgin with a slightly more coherent soft-ish rock portfolio, with Virign Classic Rock and Virgin Xtreme. A curious eyebrow might be raised at the survival of Xtreme, which - with just 82,000 listeners a month - was even being outperformed by the euthanised Groove's 94,000.

Virgin signs more people

After all this time on the air, and Virgin Radio is still behaving like it isn't quite sure what it is. Having seemed to be rolling inexorably down the direction suggested by Tony Hadley presenting old songs, the station has now picked up JK and Joel - adding to the signing of Iain Lee last week.

Programme director David Lloyd tried to explain how they'll fit at the station:

"I have long been an admirer of these two guys - they are natural communicators and really radio people," said Lloyd.

"I think commercial radio can do a lot better at weekends. So much of the time it seems to be an area that we don't spend too much time worrying about, but we want to put the energy back in weekends in a number of ways.

"Iain Lee was the first salvo fired, and JK and Joel are the second. When you are up against Jonathan Ross you need to do something more, and we are putting significant investment into weekends."

Since JK and Joel managed the task of taking the chart show and making it into something unloved, and because this is reminiscent of the enthusiasm Radio One showed when they started there - indeed, they were the new Ant and Dec.

The pair themselves say the sorts of things that DJs say when they join new stations:

"No longer are we hauling our arses out of bed at 3am looking like crap, instead we are really looking forward to doing weekends.

"It'll be great to go up against our old mate Vernon at 10a. That's if he can be bothered to turn up - his random game show schedule is demanding don't you know!"

Which would be amusing, if it wasn't tinged with bitterness - the couple, of course, have flirted with the idea of being on the television themselves, only TV doesn't seem that interested.

Branson to try to regain Virginship?

There's a curious story in the The Observer today which suggests that Richard Branson and Charles Allen - the man who did so much to make ITV what it is today - could be linking up to launch a bid to regain control of Virgin Radio.

Just what the station needs - more management shuffling. With, doubtless, another new set of plans, formats and shake-ups. What could possibly go wrong?

Scottish dumps Virgin

SMG is reported to be looking to spin off Virgin Radio into a stand-or-fall-alone company, allowing it to concentrate on its television assets instead. And, erm, its advertising billboard company, Primesight, which it had been going to sell but has now decided it won't.

We're not even going to try and ponder what sort of business plan thinks that a radio franchise is a less-good fit for a TV operation than a bunch of men with pots of paste and ladders, especially as the lines between the media are getting blurred more and more each day. But we expect SMG have thought it all through.

Virgin pours out of Wii

In its admittedly impressive attempt to be largely ignored across an expanding range of platforms, Virgin is going to start streaming its radio channels over Wii and Playstation consoles:

The broadcaster said it was a way to appeal to younger audiences.

"People are treating the consoles as part of their home entertainment media centre, and now Virgin Radio will be part of that experience," said James Cridland, the company's director of digital media.

As if hiring Suggs off the Norwich Union adverts to lead a programme wasn't enough of a temptation to the 15-24 year age group already, eh?

You could have one-thousandth of a war for that

If you had to piss away three million quid as quickly as possible - perhaps if your life suddenly turned into a real version of Brewster's Millions - you could do worse than spend the cash trying to advertise Virgin Radio.

The BBC spoof Radio Active used to bill itself as 'Britain's First National Local Radio Station'; with its ever-changing breakfast show "star presenters" (now Pete Mitchell and Geoff Lloyd - who they?), quality AM network with confusing non-standard frequency across the whole of the country, a music format that's been pissed about with so many times it's now apparently chasing that elusive audience who value Pink and, erm, Queen, Virgin is clearly the second.

Another Virgin Breakfast Show shuffle

At this rate, it'll be Simon Bates in the chair by summer.