Monday, November 18, 2002

Massive assumption

Reporting the new name for the new Massive Attack album, Radio 1 News (or "the BPI's bitch") tells its readers that '100th Window' refers to the threat of internet music piracy, even although 3D's quote is

"The idea that no matter how careful you are, no matter how many security devices you have on your windows, you will leave one of them unprotected - everyone can and will know everything about you and there will be truly nowhere to hide."

But, of course, why should 3D know what the title means, it's only his band. We wonder if this application of a BPI-friendly reading could work for all album titles. With which in mind, here's this week top ten UK albums, with the titles explained by an expert RIAA elf:

1. Unbreakable - Westlife
A collection of anthems to the secure Digital Rights Management available through Windows Media

2. One Love - Blue
A subtle reminder that you pay for the CD once, you can use it once. Working title 'Don't make any copies of this, you thief' abandoned at focus-group stage

3. The Greatest Hits 1997-2002 - Elton John
The cut-off date is an ironic glance at how, if we don't crack down on the threat of the web, after 2002 there will be no music, no songs, no hits at all

4. Slicker Than Your Average - Craig David
Music internet pirates, Craig reminds us, are devious little monkeys. We must be on our guard against their slick, thieving ways

5. A New Day At Midnight - David Gray
It is midnight, it is a new day. So why should you still have the right to play tunes that you paid for yesterday?

6. The Best of 1990 - 2000 and B-sides - U2
Who knows what this title refers to? Bono is, after all, a puckish genius whose words are set to puzzle mere mortal.

7. What My Heart Wants To Say - Gareth Gates
A moving paean to the difficult position artists are put in by music downloaders. Of course, it's stealing - the same as if you walked into a bank and forced a gun in someone's face, screeching 'give me the money, you bitch', over and over, making the frightened cashier fill your bag with notes, and emptying the Children In Need collection bucket into your own pockets, like some kind of monster - but it can be hard to say that to people like you - YOU - who just don't understand how evil you're being. What Gareth's heart wants to say is that you're no better than a stinking child rapist. But it's hard for him.

8. Missundaztood - Pink
Pink's deliberate misspelling of the title apes the way Napster users attempted to laugh at the BPI by misspelling song titles in the hope that we wouldn't notice. Fools! Soon they will see our power, when we crush them like bugs.

9. Nirvana - Nirvana
The paradox of Nirvana - Nirvana. Can there be two Nirvanas simultaneously? Of course not, for Nirvana is a single entity, a single state. In the same way, a music industry cannot exist simultaneously with a file-sharing system. So, as the album calls into question the possibility of duality, so the scum who steal records make the chances of Frances Bean ever being able to afford to go to college receede into the distance. She'll probably wind up as a hooker, or something, and all because of file sharing. I hope you're happy

10. Sentimento - Andrea Bocelli
Europe? Rife with bootleg CDs, you know.

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