Lady GaGa reaches 'Courtney Love with cellphone at 5am' stage of career

There's not been a video yet for Do What U Want, the collaboration between Lady GaGa and R Kelly. Most people have assumed that its because the song is such a clunking disaster that it has a helpline number for worried relatives to call, but it turns out there's... reasons.

Do tell us, GaGa. Trigger warning - grammar abuse:

It is late because, just like with the Applause video unfortunately, I was given a week to plan and execute it.

Oh, it's someone else's fault. Never mind, eh.

Hang on. She hasn't finished.

It is very devastating for someone like me, I devote every moment of my life to creating fantasies for you.

Remember this is in the context of a horrible song that manages to conjure up images of having R Kelly jizz in your face.

All my my most successful videos were planned over a period of time when I was rested and my creativity was honored.

It's not just she only had a week to do it in, but it sounds like one of the interns bungled the ceremony where they kill the goats to honour her muse.

Those who have betrayed me gravely mismanaged my time and health and left me on my own to damage control any problems that ensued as a result.

You had someone to manage your health? How did that work? "Okay, GaGa, I've booked your pancreas in for a scrub at 9.30 on Friday, and I'm just emailing you now a spreadsheet of your sneezing schedule for the rest of the month. The phlegmy ones are marked in green on that."

Still, to be fair, whoever has left her "damage controlling" on her own has quite badly let her down. Because there's more.

Millions of dollars are not enough for some people. They want billions. Then they need trillions.

"On the bright side, sooner or later they'll want sextillions, and that's got 'sex' in it, which I could make an album about."

I was not enough for some people.

And yet here we are, with the entire world yelling 'that's enough, GaGa'.

They wanted more.

They wanted more. They wanted more more. They wanted More More More. They would not be satisfied until GaGa covered Andrea True Connection.

I am very grateful to the photographers and designers who have always stood by me to make sure my fans are never aware of the things that happen behind the scenes, but unfortunately after my surgery I was too sick, too tired, and too sad to control the damage on my own.

Yes, thank god for all those people who worked so hard to keep the curtains drawn while you were, erm, keeping the curtains drawn entirely by yourself.

By the way, GaGa - great job of keeping those persnicketty management issues out of the public eye.

My label was not aware that this was going on.

Hang about, is the damage obvious to all or not? What?

The next few months of ARTPOP will truly be its beginning.

Artpop really is The Big Society of albums, isn't it? Nobody really knows what it all means, it clearly wasn't the big success everyone was banking on, and it's now in a constant cycle of relaunches.

Because those who did not care about ARTPOP's success are now gone, and the dreams I have been planning can now come to fruition.

A dream can't fruit, can it? And you don't really plan a dream, do you? It's interesting to see how GaGa's authentic voice makes her sound like someone culled early in a series of The Apprentice, isn't it?

Please forgive me that I did not foresee this coming, I never thought after all the years of hard work that those I called friends and partners would ever care so little at a time I needed them the most.

It's okay Gags, I don't think anyone was expecting this.

Give me a chance to show you the meaning of seeing art all around you.

You do realise that everyone can see art all around them, don't you? It's not like a superpower you get when you rub your undercarriage with half a pound of luncheon meat.

Open your hearts to me again that I may show you the joy of us coming together through our talents, that we are stronger as a unit than when we are alone. Let me be for you the Goddess that I know I truly am, let me show you the visions that have been in my mind for two years. I love you.

You're apologising for not having yet delivered a video for a terrible song. Why has this note suddenly turned into Ted Mosby trying to win back a high school girlfriend?

Forgive me monsters. Forgive me ARTPOP. You are my whole world.

You know those people who badly let you down, Lady GaGa? I'm presuming you have a list. You might want to add anyone who you showed this to who went "yeah, that sounds OK" before you published it.

The thing, surely, is that she's just written a long, rambling apology for not making a video for a track, when really she should be going door-to-door to personally make amends for having made the record in the first place.

Bookmarks: R Kelly

If you read nothing else today, you should read Jessica Hopper's interview with Jim DeRogatis, about his long, lonely attempt to shine a light into R Kelly's behaviour, and the free pass he gets from Pitchfork and others who should know better:

This deeply troubles me: There's a very -- I don't know what the percentage is -- some percentage of fans are liking Kelly's music because they know. And that's really troublesome to me. There is some sort of -- and this is tied up to complicated questions of racism and sexism -- there is some sort of vicarious thrill to seeing this guy play this character in these songs and knowing that it's not just a character!

Songs like "Sexasaurus" kind of makes it novel. The ironic, jokey Trapped in the Closet series airs on the Independent Film Channel and features Will Oldham -- that has these other hallmarks of "art" that read to a white, hipster, indie-rock audience, then, because we are not taking certain things seriously, we can choose not to take the lives of these young black women seriously.

It puts it in the realm of camp or kitsch. If you have an emotional reaction to a work of art and you use all your skills as a critic to back it up with evidence and context. That's all we can ask of anybody. We're all viewing art differently. The joy is in the conversation. Pitchfork is the premier critical organ in the United States for smart discussion of music, books, and artists, but it doesn't have this discussion. Reviews his records but doesn't have the conversation about, "What does it say for us to like his music?"

Gordon in the morning: R Kelly is grounded

As ever, credit where it's due. The headline on Gordon's story about R Kelly being too scared to get into a plane is good:

I Believe I Can Fly ...but I won’t

It's not all bad.

R Kelly: It turns out the downturn is worse than we thought

Never mind all the thousands losing their jobs, this is, surely, the grimmest news from the financial crisis so far: R Kelly is having his house foreclosed on by the bank.

You have to pity the poor realtor who gets lumbered with trying to offload that property - "yes, this room is wired up for cameras as well.

But don't worry about Mr Kelly:

A spokesperson for the singer tells the Associated Press his client is not in financial trouble.

All the while you can still afford to pay somebody to tell the people that not being able to pay a mortgage is a sign of financial problems, you're still good. Yes?

R Kelly: This might just be ruining Christmas in a different way

I'm happy to support any campaign which sets out to try and throw itself under the wheels of the X Factor juggernaut, but can't help feeling that if you're going to campaign for an alternative number one, R Kelly might not be the stalking horse to go for.

Jackson: It's what he would have wanted, had he appointed me as his spokesperson

Michael Jackson had "been working" on an album shortly before he died - which is no surprise; rumours that he'd be about to record something or other floated up every few months, often attached to a natural or man-made disaster, before the sound of hard-drives being wiped heralded the arrival of a cold, hard look at himself.

Now he's dead, though, who is to save Jackson from himself? Now, the prospect of a half-finished half-arsed album seeing the light of day cannot be stopped, especially when the self-regarding R Kelly is offering to "help":

Kelly had worked with the King of Pop on numerous occasions and claims Jackson reached out to him shortly before his June (09) death to discuss his upcoming release.

The pair never arranged any studio time, but Kelly is convinced Jackson would have chosen him to complete his final masterpiece.

Well, yes, why not? Assuming Macaulay Culkin was too busy filming insurance adverts, and Weird Al was still only really interested in the parody stuff, and McCartney was still screening calls, and LaToya would only do it if she could wear the hat, there's every chance that Michael Jackson would have entrusted his precious legacy to R Kelly. Eventually. Or Lil Wayne. Or maybe Eminem.

Kelly, though, is convinced he'd be first choice:

"I recorded five joints for Michael Jackson (in the past). And we had been talking on the phone about his new album, and I was going to finish what Michael was doing at the time. We're going to get it out though. Michael liked the way I would try to sing the songs just like him."

Kelly manages to sound both as if he believed that Jackson knew he was going to die and had asked him to finish the record - perhaps grabbing him by the arm and saying "listen, R, if anything happens to me..." - but equally convinced that Jackson is still alive and is going to help him with the record.

R Kelly then intends to help push the health care bill through in Washington - apparently Ted Kennedy called and asked personally.

R Kelly and the missing millions

There's been a strange twist in the case of the woman who pocketed a large sum of money for a non-existent R Kelly tour of South Africa.

Busiswe Zakwe is expected to enter a guilty plea when the case comes to court but, when asked what happened to the money, she says she gave loads to Kelly himself.

Now, fair enough, she's a fraudster, so you might expect her to say that. But South African police have checked her story, and they're satisfied that she did transfer 11 million Rand to one of Kelly's bank accounts - but don't quite know why, nor if the cash was returned.

The solution? They're going to want a chat with Kelly. Just when he thought his time spent with police had come to an end.

Of course, it's perfectly possible the money went into his organisation rather than his personal account, and that Kelly himself may know nothing about the dealings at all.

R Kelly: An innocent man, at last

Not long ago:
The jury has acquitted R Kelly of all 14 charges related to the sex video.

R Kelly trial: Defence concludes "It wasn't me" defence

We're a bit confused about the R Kelly defence team at the trial - we could understand adopting a 'it wasn't me on the video' line, or a 'the video has been altered to make it look like me' approach. But can you really say "that doesn't even look like me, and it's been altered to look like me"?

We'll find out soon - the defence team have rested their case after concluding with what seemed to be a session pitching for the best animated short at next year's Oscars:

Defense expert Charles Palm made the clip from a section of the sex tape at the center of the case, using special effects to illustrate how easy it is to digitally manipulate video. The defense hopes Palm can successfully refute the evidence of prosecution expert Grant Fredericks, who said that the tape could not have been digitally altered. Parts of the media have dubbed this the "Little Man Defense" or the "Wayans Defense."

The clip showed the couple on the tape having sex in what the state says is the hot tub room at Kelly's former home. Their bodies slowly become transparent, then slowly reappear. Then their heads slowly disappear until their two headless bodies are romping. At one point, the man on the tape - his head intact - appears to be having sex with a headless woman.

The heads come and go "like ghosts" on the manipulated tape Palm said.

Much hangs on a mole which may or may not appear on the man's back in the video. Prosecution belief is that it's Kelly's mole; the defense suggests it's "artefacts on the recording" which come and go.

R Kelly trial: PI claims witnesses solicited bribes

Jack Palladino, who is some sort of top-drawer celebrity private investigator - turned up in Chicago today for his part of the R Kelly trial. He'd had a meeting with prosecution witness Lisa Van Allen - last week, she told the court that he'd taken the opportunity to threaten her; today, he suggested that, actually, what happened was the she and her fiance had attempted to blackmail R Kelly using him as the go-between.

Although, apparently, not by actually directly asking for money. Because that would have been tacky, and this whole story is about class:

According to Palladino, Brown solicited the bribe by mentioning a $300,000 book deal Van Allen potentially had to tell the story of her life with Kelly.

"I didn't believe there was a book deal. The $300,000 was a coded way to get money from my client," Palladino said. The investigator said he unequivocally told Brown that Kelly would not pay them anything.

On cross-examination, prosecutor Bob Heilingoetter noted that neither Brown or Van Allen had ever explicity asked for money.

"I'm trying to figure out where this extortion is, except somewhere between your ears," Heilingoetter said.

But Palladino testified the two repeatedly said they wanted to do what was best for their family and urged the investigator to talk to Kelly.

Interesting note: Palladino got paid fifteen grand just for flying to Atlanta and having the conversation with the pair. It might have been cheaper for Kelly to have paid off the blackmailers. If that is what they were.

R Kelly trial: Thieves and fraudsters

It's been cross-examination time for Lisa Van Allen in the R Kelly trial, with the defence getting her to reveal she pinched Kelly's watch. That the watch was a stupidly expensive US20,000 is neither here nor there; as Van Allen left Kelly's room, it wasn't there, either.

The defence asked her why she'd not mentioned this theft before, which makes you wonder how long Sam Adam Senior has been studying law. Why do you think someone would not volunteer details of their own crime, Sam?

Adam also got Van Allen to admit she'd had relationships with two convicted fraudsters, although this might not have been such a smart move, either - one of those men, Damon Pryor, is a last-minute surprise witness sprung by the defence. Undermining the credibility of your own witness is an interesting approach.

Kelly denies charges related to child pornography; the case continues.

Trapped in the dock: Kelly trial updates

There's obviously much movement on the R Kelly trial, now that it's finally underway, and the press are struggling to balance the seriousness of the charges with the obvious comedy value of a case that throws up a defence desperately trying to use Marlon Wayan films to make their case:

[Attorney Sam] Adam, in an attempt to suggest that Kelly's head could have been superimposed onto somebody else's body in the sex tape, asked [alleged victim's friend Simha] Jamison whether she had seen the Wayans brothers' movie "Little Man."

He said, "They put the head of Marlon Wayans on a midget and it looked real, didn't it?"

But, to widespead laughter, Jamison replied, "Not really!"

God knows what they'll try next: 'Have you seen Wishbone's story the Prince and the Pauper? Could this be an R Kelly lookalike who was in his clothes at the time, while Kelly himself was living the life of a pauper?'

Meanwhile, the defence has also had a go at suggesting that the prosecution attempted to throw off all potential black jurors - to go for a racially-weighted panel; this might have had some nobility to it if, erm, the defence team hadn't used all their objections to jurors to get rid of only white potentials.

The case continues.

Turning the wheels of justice - slowly

The Sun-Times is watching the R Kelly child porn trial with more attention to detail than, frankly, many of us could stomach, but it's turning up some rare gems.

They're still at the jury selection stage, with one otential getting himself excused through his grasp of reasonable doubt:

"Child pornography is immoral, people. R. Kelly may have led the Taliban to attacking us on 9-11, but you can't prove it."

For this reasonableness, he was allowed to go home.

[Thanks to Jack B for bringing the blog to our attention]

Chicago papers seek unzipping of Kelly papers

With R Kelly's child-porn trial finally getting within spitting distance of a court, the Chciago papers have clubbed together to try and persuade the judge to let them run details from the sealed court papers. In, you know, the public interest and not simply to try and flog some papers with a bit a underage slap-and-tickle.

Kelly has pleaded not guilty to the charges.

Going to court lands R Kelly in court

R Kelly must be thinking something along the lines of "I live a very model of a Kafkaesque existence" right now - okay, he's probably putting it more like "sucky sucks sucks suck" - as his enforced appearance in a Chicago courtroom last December has now landed him with fresh new legal proceedings from the promoter of the gig in Atlanta he missed as result.

It appears Mr. Kelly has forgotten to return the upfront fee he pocketed for the event he never paid; the promoter has decided, actually, he'd quite like it back, with expenses.

Snow show for Kelly

R Kelly didn't make it to Cook County for today's hearing into the child porn charges: he blamed the harsh winter in America, although the real reason was Utah police discovering his driver hadn't been recording details of his driving hours and enforcing an eight-hour delay before letting the Kelly tour bus out of the state.

It's not entirely clear why Kelly couldn't have found another way out of Utah - it's almost as if he wasn't that keen to turn up in court.

The judge has warned he'll be issuing a warrant for Kelly if he doesn't turn up tomorrow.

No more Ne-Yo

Having lost a PR person earlier in the week, R Kelly is now a support act down, too. Ne-Yo has been kicked off the tour several dates in; apparently some sort of contractual wrangle is at the heart of it all.

R Kelly's PR: I Believe I Can Say Bye

R Kelly has had good PR representation. Someone who's stood by him during nearly a decade and a half and managed to make a person who - by most common measures - would normally be a number one target retain a surprising amount of good press.

Up until now, anyway, as Regina Daniels has quit after 14 years:

, "I have prided myself on loyalty, respect and professionalism. It saddens me that I was not always shown those same courtesies during my 14-year tenure as Mr. Kelly's publicist ... There are some lines that should never be crossed professionally or personally. Mr. Kelly crossed a line that forever altered the scope of our relationship. For this reason I made the decision to resign."

Good god - fourteen years. That's nearly as long as the girl in the alleged sex tape had been alive. We don't know what Kelly did that has finally pissed Daniels off, but we'd be rather nervous - the one person you don't want to annoy is the one who's kept the lid on your boiling pot, Kelly.

R Kelly in the dock

If R Kelly had waited as long for making his video as he had for going on trial for it, he'd never have gotten in this mess. At long last, it seems, Kelly is going to appear next month to answer child porn video charges. Kelly's apparently thrilled at the prospect:

"He is looking forward to finally having his day in court. He's confident that when all the facts come out, it will be clear he's not guilty of any crime."

Oddly, we don't recall Kelly having been pushing very much for a court date. He pleads not guilty to charges relating to the alleged filming of a sexual encounter.

Is Jay-Z stealing music?

That's what's claimed in a lawsuit launched by Broadcast Music Inc. The company has issued a lawsuit on behalf of Kanye West, Michael Jackson and others claiming that J-Zed's 40/40 club is playing records without paying royalties.

The club haughtily denies doing any such thing, says TMZ:

A rep for the 40/40 Club says the club hasn't been served with legal papers, and adds that "under no circumstance" would songs by R. Kelly, whose tune "Thoia Thoing" is mentioned in the suit, be played in Hova's house.

Oddly, they don't seem ashamed at the idea of playing Jackson's music.