Lady GaGa reaches 'Courtney Love with cellphone at 5am' stage of career

There's not been a video yet for Do What U Want, the collaboration between Lady GaGa and R Kelly. Most people have assumed that its because the song is such a clunking disaster that it has a helpline number for worried relatives to call, but it turns out there's... reasons.

Do tell us, GaGa. Trigger warning - grammar abuse:

It is late because, just like with the Applause video unfortunately, I was given a week to plan and execute it.

Oh, it's someone else's fault. Never mind, eh.

Hang on. She hasn't finished.

It is very devastating for someone like me, I devote every moment of my life to creating fantasies for you.

Remember this is in the context of a horrible song that manages to conjure up images of having R Kelly jizz in your face.

All my my most successful videos were planned over a period of time when I was rested and my creativity was honored.

It's not just she only had a week to do it in, but it sounds like one of the interns bungled the ceremony where they kill the goats to honour her muse.

Those who have betrayed me gravely mismanaged my time and health and left me on my own to damage control any problems that ensued as a result.

You had someone to manage your health? How did that work? "Okay, GaGa, I've booked your pancreas in for a scrub at 9.30 on Friday, and I'm just emailing you now a spreadsheet of your sneezing schedule for the rest of the month. The phlegmy ones are marked in green on that."

Still, to be fair, whoever has left her "damage controlling" on her own has quite badly let her down. Because there's more.

Millions of dollars are not enough for some people. They want billions. Then they need trillions.

"On the bright side, sooner or later they'll want sextillions, and that's got 'sex' in it, which I could make an album about."

I was not enough for some people.

And yet here we are, with the entire world yelling 'that's enough, GaGa'.

They wanted more.

They wanted more. They wanted more more. They wanted More More More. They would not be satisfied until GaGa covered Andrea True Connection.

I am very grateful to the photographers and designers who have always stood by me to make sure my fans are never aware of the things that happen behind the scenes, but unfortunately after my surgery I was too sick, too tired, and too sad to control the damage on my own.

Yes, thank god for all those people who worked so hard to keep the curtains drawn while you were, erm, keeping the curtains drawn entirely by yourself.

By the way, GaGa - great job of keeping those persnicketty management issues out of the public eye.

My label was not aware that this was going on.

Hang about, is the damage obvious to all or not? What?

The next few months of ARTPOP will truly be its beginning.

Artpop really is The Big Society of albums, isn't it? Nobody really knows what it all means, it clearly wasn't the big success everyone was banking on, and it's now in a constant cycle of relaunches.

Because those who did not care about ARTPOP's success are now gone, and the dreams I have been planning can now come to fruition.

A dream can't fruit, can it? And you don't really plan a dream, do you? It's interesting to see how GaGa's authentic voice makes her sound like someone culled early in a series of The Apprentice, isn't it?

Please forgive me that I did not foresee this coming, I never thought after all the years of hard work that those I called friends and partners would ever care so little at a time I needed them the most.

It's okay Gags, I don't think anyone was expecting this.

Give me a chance to show you the meaning of seeing art all around you.

You do realise that everyone can see art all around them, don't you? It's not like a superpower you get when you rub your undercarriage with half a pound of luncheon meat.

Open your hearts to me again that I may show you the joy of us coming together through our talents, that we are stronger as a unit than when we are alone. Let me be for you the Goddess that I know I truly am, let me show you the visions that have been in my mind for two years. I love you.

You're apologising for not having yet delivered a video for a terrible song. Why has this note suddenly turned into Ted Mosby trying to win back a high school girlfriend?

Forgive me monsters. Forgive me ARTPOP. You are my whole world.

You know those people who badly let you down, Lady GaGa? I'm presuming you have a list. You might want to add anyone who you showed this to who went "yeah, that sounds OK" before you published it.

The thing, surely, is that she's just written a long, rambling apology for not making a video for a track, when really she should be going door-to-door to personally make amends for having made the record in the first place.