Miley Cyrus: something about her performance was choreographed

Here's a surprise. You might want to sit down.

That Miley Cyrus performance at the VMAs? It was intentionally attention grabbing:

‘I just needed to let go of the past in a way, so I felt like I could be the bad b***h I am,’ the 20-year-old said on MTV documentary Miley: The Movement addressing her blinding display with Robin Thicke at the MTV VMAs.

Far from getting carried away, Cyrus instead says she meant every minute of her foam-fingered display.

‘You can watch that performance and think that’s a hot mess,’ she said.

‘But it’s a strategic hot mess. … If I wanted a raunchy sex show, I wouldn’t have been dressed as a damned bear.’

I think even people who haven't heard of Cyrus, or MTV, or possibly even music might raise an objection that no bear dresses like this:

But then Cyrus appears to think we're having trouble keeping up with the masterplan. Even my dead Victorian Great Uncle Hambleton could see that the whole point of Cyrus' performance was to try and flag that she's not Hannah Montana any more.

If Miley thinks she needs a documentary to "reveal" that the idea was to show, erm, that she was a "bad bitch" then you might argue that the performance had failed.

Here's the thing, Miley: if an actor who's just played Lear has to come on stage at the end and go "right, I was pretending I'd gone mad, see?", that would suggest he didn't have much faith in his acting.

MTV VMAs 2011: They've done them

The sudden takeover of MTV by an evening of awards themed around music videos must be something of a puzzle to the network's demographic.

First, the idea that "music videos" are a thing apart from just "music", like having an awards show for typography on a band website.

Secondly, that this arcane-themed prize giving is on MTV, a channel which mostly exists to divide the world into rich people with ugly houses and cars, and poor people with babies born to children. It must be like The History Channel suddenly deciding to host an evening presenting prizes to manufacturers of in-car audio systems.

Still, they've done one. You probably don't need a list of the winners, because you could guess, but just in case:

Best video - Katy Perry - Firework
Best female video: Lady GaGa - Little Monsters
Best male video: Justin Bieber - U Smile
Best new artist: Tyler The Creator
Best collaboration: Katy Perry & Kanye West - ET
Best hip-hop video: Nicky Minaj- Super Bass
Best rock video: Foo Fighters - Walk
Best pop video: Britney Spears - Til The World Ends
Best video with a message: Lady GaGa - Born This Way

Yes, that last category was "best video with a message". Thereby adding "misplaced worthiness" to the award's "thundering dullness".

MTV VMAs ZZZ

It's not entirely clear why MTV - a network which now broadcasts wall-to-wall programming featuring people who can't act trying to act like they're not acting - persists with the Video Music Awards, but they battle boldly on.

The handing of eight awards to Lady GaGa - seven for the same song, Bad Romance - gives the impression of a network which doesn't really keep up with music any more, and relies on the odd piece of music reporting in the papers to keep fresh. Lady GaGa is what the kids like now, right?

That Cher turned up wearing her If I Could Turn Back Time costume did little to dispel the sense that this is an awards ceremony that used to be a somebody. Even GaGa was wearing a dress that was a drawing of one she'd worn before. Jesus, they even had Taylor Swift do a song about last year's awards, and Eminem opened proceedings.

Usher and Linkin Park were among other performers on the night.

Sure, it still gets the MTV brand mentioned on TV, but given that MTV isn't really MTV any more, why are they still pouring cash into an expensive event which seems to have lost any interest in what its supposed to celebrate?

Beyonce "breaks silence" on West

Well, how would you feel if you were the unwilling third party in a publicity stunt that misfired like a '78 Ford Escort struggling with two-stroke petrol in slow-moving traffic?

Of course Beyonce felt she had to say something, but what, but what?

In the end, inspiration strikes. Just make some noises. It's what Whitney would do, isn't it?

"Well, I knew his intentions, and I knew he was standing up for art; and he told me before, when they said the nominees, he's like, 'You have this award,'" Beyoncé told O: The Oprah Magazine editor Gayle King after accepting her award. "And when they didn't call my name he was, like, completely shocked. And when he walked on the stage, I was like, 'No, no, no!' and then he spoke, and I was like, 'Oh, no, no, no!'

And we were like "huh huh huh?" and O was all "ooh, ooh, ooh", and everyone was going like "mmmm."

Still, it wasn't all bad, was it:

"But in the end, it ended up being a great night, and Taylor Swift did get her moment," she continued. "And I didn't have to make an acceptance speech."

So, all's well that ends well, if you ignore Taylor's "moment" having been completely overwritten in history by Kanye's prescripted "moment".

Psst, Jay-Z: Everyone knows it was a stunt now

MTV and Jay-Z are still hoping that people treat Kanye West's "incident" like it was something that happened, rather than something that was scripted:

Jay-Z has known Kanye West for many years, so when he watched West interrupt Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards, he probably wasn't as surprised as a lot of people.

"He's just a super-passionate person, and of course it was rude because it was [Swift's] moment, but that's the way he really felt. [But] he's been that passionate from his first record."

Thing is - regardless of motivation - the line was delivered in a totally passionless manner as to make this seem a rather unlikely explanation, isn't it?

Gordon in the morning: Whitney forgets herself

Pete Samson has been busy getting a scoop by watching Whitney Houston on Oprah Winfrey:

DIVA WHITNEY HOUSTON "totally forgot" she was a singing star in the depths of her drug addiction, she said last night.

Well, she was doing a lot of the drucks, but did she really totally forget that she was the woman who made My Love Is Your Love? You can see why that would be attractive, but is it really what she meant?

She said: "I didn't think about the singing part anymore. I'd totally forgotten about that life. I had so much money by that time."

So she didn't actually "forget" she was a pop star, she seems to mean that she no longer thought about the job.

While Pete Samson was sat watching Oprah, Gordon was watching the MTV awards (Any luck, James and Rupert, on plans to make sure that people don't take your content and use it elsewhere? I'm sure you wouldn't want your paywall breached by bloggers and other news sites writing about what your writers wrote about when they were watching television.)

KUGELSACKGATE meant May's MTV Movie Awards were talked about for days afterwards.

When SACHA BARON COHEN's bare behind greeted EMINEM's stony face, headlines were made around the world.

Well, people like you wrote about it. What was it you said, Gordon?

The “kugelsack” incident at the MTV Movie Awards last weekend was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

It’s up there with Del Boy falling through the bar in Only Fools And Horses.

Watching EMINEM recoil in horror as Bruno’s g-string clad backside slapped his face will go down in comedy legend.

Hee hee hee. I loved the bit where he said that thing about garlic bread and did the robot dance.

But there was darkness at the heart of that oh-so-humourous moment, wasn't there, Gordon?

But that turned out to be an elaborate stunt.

It turned out that you can't just drop a guy from highwires and have the camera team and producers catch it without it all being set-up first. (I think Gordon means 'set-up' rather than 'stunt' - even if Eminem had been unaware that MTV feel he needs a comedy sidekick, it would still have been a stunt, wouldn't it?)

So, having fooled Gordon once, he's not going to be fooled again:

I wonder if the same will turn out to be true of the unsavoury events at Sunday 's MTV Video Music Awards?

Do you wonder that, Gordon?

The odd thing is, he then writes his piece as if he wasn't wondering that at all, but just taking the event at face value, ending on:

Not surprisingly, Kanye won nothing.

But if he'd been taking part in an elaborate stunt set up with the producers, that everyone was in on, why would that have made it unlikely he'd win an award? And if it was spontaneous, how would that have changed the names already sealed in envelopes? Or if you just mean that Kanye and his increasingly dull activities make it unsurprising that he didn't win? But if he's such poison, why did MTV invite him in the first place?

Kanye not just leave it?

I think the NME is fair in its call on the already-chewed-to-death and uber-memed Kanye West moment at the VMAs: lacking any spontaneity at all.

Sadly, it also lacked any wit and was totally devoid of point - it might just have worked if there'd been a punchline, but instead Kanye effectively premeditated turning himself into that little bloke who'd shout "Yer wastin yer time" at Vic and Bob in the early years.

And suggesting that the Beyonce video was not only robbed, but had made one of the greatest videos of all time? Not only did West make himself look stupid, but also lacking pretty much all basic knowledge of music history.

Perhaps it was funnier in rehearsal.

John Hughes weekend: Sixteen Candles... two

Also from the soundtrack, the supreme song-about-wanking:



Buy
The Vapors - New Clear Days

[part of The John Hughes weekend]

Gordon in the morning: Kanye believe it?

Ah, the loss of innocence: faced with Kanye West's suggestions that he and Britney Spears only won MTV awards because they agreed to schlep over to the ceremonies, Gordon Smart suddenly has his 'it's a small man behind a curtain' moment:

Hollywood actor Jared’s dismal band 30SECONDS TO MARS picked up the Rock Out and Video Star awards in Liverpool.

He was conveniently also co-hosting the show with KATY PERRY.

And, yes, the I Kissed A Girl star walked away with a gong too — for best New Act.

Still, he's handling the loss of innocence well, and Rebekah Wade is thinking Smart might be old enough that she won't have to dress up as Santa to leave the News International Christmas Bonus at the end of his bed this year.

Gordon doesn't point out that it's a bit rich for Kanye to complain that they give him an award for turning up when a couple of years ago he moaned that he wouldn't turn up any more as he kept going to MTV prizegivings and leaving empty-handed.

Meanwhile, tomorrow night's Children In Need concert is going to see some sort of Sugababe-Morrison mash-up. Keisha Buchanan has fears over her duet:

"He approached me specifically as he said he really liked my voice. I was shocked. I know I can sing but its weird coming from someone like that. I'm worried I'll make him look bad."

Come on, Keisha, you'd have to really stink to make things James Morrison seem worse than he actually is.

Gordon in the morning: Heather Mills not Trumped

The story may or may not be true - Heather Mills dumped from the 'celebrity' Apprentice after demanding she be allowed to get to the final - but it does mean that Gordon is able to revist some of Victoria Newton's best work:

Mucca appeared on the US equivalent of Strictly Come Dancing, Dancing With the Stars. But she was booted out after six weeks.

Now, if I remember correctly, Gordon's boss actually insisted that Mills would be "booted out" right at the start, what with how everyone was supposed to hate her. Indeed, staying in for six weeks is pretty good going.

More unlikely tales: Russell Brand to do MTV Awards again next year?. Gordon says yes:

RUSSELL BRAND has been asked to present the MTV Video Music Awards again next year after sending ratings through the roof on Sunday night.

His near-the-knuckle gags were such a success, bosses have been falling over themselves to get him signed up for a second year.

Since it's clear from reading blog reactions that nobody had much of a clue who Brand was before switching on, how exactly would MTV be putting that down the pull of Brand, exactly? (The show did do well in the ratings - 15% up on last year - but you'd have to put that down to the Jonas Brothers and Britney rather than Brand, wouldn't you?)

And even more unlikely tales: Robbie Williams can apparently charm extra-terrestrial creatures:

“I had just finished writing a song called Arizona, which is about alien abduction, when there was this glow. It was magic.”

Was it a UFO, or was it magic? Or does Williams claim that aliens can do magic ("take me to your leader so they can pick a card, any card...")?

Russell Brand manages to boost US teen pregnancy rate

As part of his shtick at the MTV VMAs this weekend, Russell Brand launched a squawking mock-bomb on the Jonas Brothers and their much-touted silver rings.

The abstinence people, though, are putting a brave face on it, claiming it's good news for them:

"I've received a good amount of feedback," said Jason Burtt, national director of Silver Ring Thing, a program that asks teens to pledge to remain virgins until marriage. "Nothing negative, but mostly positive support from all over the country from people interested in the program."

Of course, the Silver Ring people have more than enough negativity to cope with - what with how virginity pledges don't work - but still, it's nice the hear they're building on Brand's jokes as a way of spreading their failing message a little wider.

It's interesting that MTV News runs a largely uncritical piece - almost as if the parent company is desperate to balance out Brand's comments by bending over backwards. There is, at the very end, a mention of the negative studies into the idea, but downplayed:

A number of studies have shown that teens who take purity pledges tend to delay becoming sexually active for about 18 months longer than teens who don't, but that when they do become active, they are more likely to have unprotected or risky sex, though [Silver Ring Thing founder Denny] Pattyn said he does not support those findings.

It's not clear why a vague attempt to balance the story is then wiped out by quoting someone whose career depends on the Teen Abstinence industry. it's like running a piece saying how great turkey is, and then taking the one negative comment about turkey and adding that Bernard Matthews takes issue with the point.

Indeed, Pattyn has trouble with the idea that anything is a negative for his campaign:

"This is a big, big to-do," Pattyn said of the flap in his community over the Jonas Brothers/ Brand issue. "It's fantastic for an organization like ours, and we think this will open up some major things." Pattyn said he gave Meghan McCain one of his group's rings to give to Governor Palin for her daughter "to let her know we're supporting her and praying for her."

You might think that it might be a little late to be sending Bristol Palin a ring to mark her abstinence - and, indeed, coming from a home whose mother is committed to replacing sex education with abstinence "education", might prove a salutary example of just how it might not work to not mention the condoms at all.

Pattyn is using the extra attention Brand's gag has given his organisation to try and get access to Sarah Palin - something of an open door. If the election goes the wrong way, Russell Brand might have played a part in condemning a whole slew of young American girls into not getting proper sex education. Well done, Russell.

MTV garland Britney Spears with much, much praise

Not a thing for the Ting Tings, then, as Britney Spears is given most of the MTV Awards in a year which seems to be summed up by the attitude "oh, let's just pass them to Britney and have done with".

Here, then, are the winners:

Best Female Video
Britney Spears"Piece of Me"

Best Male Video
Chris Brown"With You"

Best Dancing In A Video
Pussycat Dolls"When I Grow Up"

Best Rock Video
Linkin Park"Shadow of the Day"

Best Hip Hop Video
Lil Wayne"Lollipop"

Best New Artist
Tokio Hotel"Ready, Set, Go!"

Best Pop Video
Britney Spears"Piece of Me"

Video Of The Year
Britney Spears"Piece of Me"

Was I a cynical man, I might wonder if the clean sweep for an okay-but-hardly-career-best tune was designed in the hope that a "Britney clean sweep" story might actually give a knackered old MTV Awards some sort of news profile beyond a down page "the MTV awards took place yesterday" story. Although judging by the acts which got prizes when Britney was elsewhere - presumably they had to give someone else the Best Dancing prize to let Spears nip off stage long enough for a wee - it could just be the result of the dullest judges in history.

And, in return for all this largesse, what did Britney do for MTV? Not a song and dance routine - perhaps wise after last year's ahem performance. Nope, she uttered four lines of welcome at the start of the show, for all the world like a carnival queen opening a supermarket.

Russell Brand was in charge this year - which we think means that the 2009 awards have to be presented by a disappointing combination of George Lamb and Davina McCall. How did he go down?

Best Week Ever reacts:

They just introduced Russell Brand, but the guy who stumbled out looks more like that weird German lead singer of Tokio Hotel. His accent sounds like the first half of My Fair Lady. He just asked everyone to elect Barack Obama. While I support the sentiment, I don’t know if Barack really needs the endorsement of someone who looks like the love child of Keith Richards and Amy Winehouse.

His performance doesn't merit any further comment.

Soulbounce was distracted by him:

9:08 Who in the hell is Russell Brand? Am I supposed to know who this weirdo is? His hair is disturbia.

9:11 OK, dude gets a pass for his pro-Obama banter/anti-Republican jokes.

But the pass was actually swiftly withdrawn:

9:19 OK, Russell, all this political comedy is going over way over people's heads.

Urbandrucker also found Brand confusing:

And... um... I loved Russell Brand in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," but he's not a great host. His humor doesn't suit the gig- he just seems NUTS.

When he popped up doing the NME Awards a couple of years ago, he seemed misplaced - and that was the bloody NME Awards (is he the first person ever to present NME and MTV VMA shows? Will he be the last?)

Idolator does its duty by listing the more interesting prizes - they gave the awards for people who actually do something before the television cameras are switched on. That's because nobody wants to be watching TV with their kid only to find themselves having to answer the question all parents dread: Daddy, what's a cinematographer?

BEST ART DIRECTION
Gnarls Barkley, "Run"

BEST CHOREOGRAPHY
Gnarls Barkley, "Run"

BEST DIRECTING
Erykah Badu, "Honey"

BEST EDITING
Death Cab For Cutie, "I Will Possess Your Heart"

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
The White Stripes, "Conquest"

BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS
Kanye West, "Good Life"

I'm at a loss to understand how one video can win best choreography and a totally different one picks up best dancing - unless the implication is that Pussycat Dolls totally unchoreographed?

Gordon in the morning: At least he's excited

Some people reckon that MTV has lost the touch of connecting with what should be its core audience. Not Gordon, though - he's thrilled with the VMA plans:

BRITNEY SPEARS will share a stage with her old pop rival CHRISTINA AGUILERA at Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards.

The pair battled for chart supremacy at the height of their fame, then fought over MADONNA’s tongue at the 2003 MTV bash.

But now Britney is to take on Christina again by fighting to steal the show in Los Angeles.

You've got to hand it to Gordon - he really is a maverick. The rest of the world might be going "isn't this a representation of pop music from ten years ago?", but Gordon is up on his feet, applauding as well as you can with one hand:

Maybe they could take inspiration from their 2003 show and kiss and make up on stage. Literally.

The News International porn filter must be locked down tightly if Gordon is resorting to that sort of fantasy.

Gordon also finds space for a piece by Rebecca Ley that is little more than a exercise in stone-throwing. Even before you get to the article, the rocks are flying:

Why is Aniston still single at 40?

Yeah - what is she, some kind of freak? Hang about, I've got some tar and feathers somewhere round here. She's plainly some kind of witch or something. If we don't run her out of town, our crops will fail.

WITH glossy hair and slim figure, JENNIFER ANISTON looks as hot as ever as she films a cameo for a US telly comedy.

In it she plays a Fatal Attraction-style stalker and, as our picture shows, her manic role involves her looking pained in what is a sad reflection of the turmoil in her own private life.

Ever the professional, though, Aniston manages to look hot while looking pained. It's like someone having an arm caught in a threshing machine while wearing a bikini.

Today, with her Friends character Rachel Green a distant memory, Jen is swallowing her professional pride to bring to life the role of a stalker in 30 Rock.

Rachel Green from... what... Friends? Was that the one with Richard Briers where they kept goats in Audrey Fforbe-Hamilton's old holiday camp? I have a vague memory of the programme... oh, yes, it's the one that's on TV every fifteen minutes, isn't it?

Rebecca, honey: it's likely that Aniston isn't "swallowing her pride" playing a stalker - it's what's known as "playing against type". 30 Rock is one of the biggest comedy shows in America, accepting a cameo in it isn't a shameful begging for work like going bottom right on Hollywood Squares. And being single at 40 isn't, really, that unusual, is it? Especially as she's only been out of her relationship with John Mayer for about two minutes.

MTV plot over-literal Katy Perry performance

Given that Katy Perry's I Kissed A Girl has all the subtlety of a Simon Heffer think piece, it's surprising to discover that MTV executives are afraid that their viewers might not have got the point of the song, and are trying to get her to kiss a girl while performing her hit single Look! Look! I've Had A CosmoGirl Style Bi-Try Experimental Snog With A Girl! Me, Over Here! Little Bit Gay! OMG Not "Gay" Gay Though Like, Cringe Or What?.

And through a process which we can only conclude involved typing FAMOOS LESBIAN into Google, they're angling for Lindsay Lohan. Which would take a grindingly obvious stunt record, add a screamingly hackneyed stunt, and call for a flatly unsurprising guest appearance.

Now: if it was Blanche from the Golden Girls, then we'd offer some respect.

Britney: The troops rally

Yesterday, Ozzy Osbourne mumbled something about Britney Spears which sounded vaguely positive. Now, Rhianna has also added her support to the beleaguered pop star:

"You can't judge her performance [at the MTV Awards] without knowing what was going on with her personally.

"She had so much pressure on her for that one performance. It's not easy being on that stage. I performed for a minute and a half, and I was extremely nervous.

"To have the amount of pressure that Britney had? I don't know what I would've done. She did her best, so leave her alone."

Now, while we feel a degree of sympathy for Britney, what kind of contraflow-in-a-one-way-system logic is this?

Why should people feel obliged to take "what was going on with her personally" into judging a performance? If your plumber came in and bungled the flue on your central heating, you wouldn't still pay him because he had stuff "going on personally" and that ruined his performance. Until people start to hand back Grammys saying "I really don't deserve this, as when I made the record I was in love, well off and in perfect health so there was no struggle", I don't think we can really start to weight reviews according to the off-stage influences on the act.

Don't shoot the piano player, he's embroiled in a sub-prime credit crunch repossession.

Doesn't work, does it?

"...so of course, I 'ad to 'it 'im..."

Kid Rock has revealed that he had little choice but to punch Tommy Lee (or was it the other way round?) at the MTV Awards because, of, um... you know, reasons:

Kid told The Sun he did "what any man would have done".

The music star said: "Tommy was always just a pain in the ass.

"There was a lot of years of disrespect but I was a part of his kids' lives.

"So I wasn't going to be disrespectful about him around his kids."

Luckily, though, the kids didn't go to the MTV Awards, so they didn't see him doing the punching. Unless, you know, they have a television. Or an internet connection.

"MTV put the three of us in a room probably hoping something would happen, so they got what they wanted. I came back from the bathroom and the guy was sitting pretty much in my seat.

"That was it.

"I did the same thing any other man would have done."

"Hopefully that's over.

"I hope he understands the level of disrespect that was there, and that's it. If you're going to be a man about it, be a man, so, that's the story."

So, he deserved to be punched because of a high level of disrespect and sitting - not quite - in Kid Rock's seat. I suppose Tommy Lee must be pleased he hadn't made a humming noise behind Rock's back, or they'd be fighting a duel right now.

Britney Spears: Rallying time

Britney Spears, you might have spotted, is in a bit of trouble. Lucvkily, people are rallying round. Joey Fantone, for one:

He says, "It looked like she was really lost. A lot of people really want her to seek help. There's something not right there, something needs to obviously be done before anything tragic happens.

"She's a great girl. I've known her for many years."

Er... thanks for your insight, Joey.

50 Cent has also weighed in - presumably hoping he'll distract attention from his hostage-to-fortune promise to retire. Noticing that his nemesis Kanye West said that MTV shouldn't have pushed Brit into opening the show, Cent, naturally just adopts the opposite stance:

Kanye expressed that he felt that Britney shouldn't be actually opening the show - almost like he forgot that Britney Spears sold 50 million records. She did.

"He is not thinking about her full body of work. She deserved to headline the show better than anybody else that was on it - even in the state that she is in."

Because, of course, selling fifty million records means going on national TV with serious mental health problems can't possibly hurt you.

Hard for me to say I'm sorry

Having almost destroyed herself on a major awards show televised live, coast-to-coast, can Britney Spears really be considering trying to regain the advantage by, erm, going on another live, coast-to-coast awards show?

The idea, apparently, would be that Britney would say "sorry" (To whom? For what?) on the Emmys. It all sounds a little unlikely - her people could barely manage to get her to go and open and close her mouth in time to a backing tape last week; are they really able to deliver a coherent live apology this weekend?

Britney: It was the hairdresser's fault

A new contender for the growing list of those responsible for the Britney Spears career-wall on Sunday night. To the hotel, MTV, and everyone else we can now blame it on the hairdresser:

An MTV source told The Sun: “The scene in the dressing room before the show was one of absolute blind panic.

“She knew she hadn’t rehearsed enough and was going to mess up the whole show and possibly her career — then she saw her hairdo and it was the final straw.

“She went into a wild rage and started lashing out at everyone — including her stylist.”

Desperate lackeys at the glitzy Las Vegas Palms Casino resort fetched her doctor, who gave Brit the prescription drugs.

The source said: “Britney took enough to floor an elephant. They calmed her down — but were clearly too effective.”

If MTV really did send on a woman to perform knowing she'd been given a large dose of anti-depressants, that would be quite a serious breach of a duty of care.

More bad ends from the MTV Awards

The damaged heads following MTV's Sunday nights weren't limited to Britney Spears' people banging their skulls agianst any surfaces they could find. Oh, no. Brent Hinds of Mastodonwound up in hospital with unexplained head injuries:

Hinds' nose was also broken, and he sustained two black eyes, according to the band's manager, Nick John.[...]John did not provide details about what led to Hinds' injuries, he said they occurred at around 3 a.m. Monday morning.

We're suspecting this wasn't an accident with an open door.