Tatu still managing to upset gay people in 2014

For a very long time, one of the most-read pieces on No Rock And Roll Fun has been the one where Tatu broke off from filming videos of themselves snogging in the pouring rain to ask why everyone thought they were gay.

I think, nine years down the line, it's still puzzling Yulia, as she's now going to extraordinary lengths to distance herself a bit further from That Sort Of Thing, mainly by coming out as a flaming bigot:

Volkova has now revealed that her support for gay rights have since waned and says she would not accept her son if her were gay.

"Yes, I would condemn him, because I believe that a real man must be a real man," she said. "God created man for procreation, it is the nature. The man for me is the support, the strength of... I won't accept a gay son."

The idea of not accepting a gay son, in the way one might refuse to sign for a delivery of chipboard.

Obviously, we don't need to waste much time engaging with the substance of Yulia's homophobia, or her theology. Or her, much.

But you might be wondering 'hey, didn't Tatu at least try and salvage their image the last time round by making some token support for LGBT issues? Isn't this making her look not only like a terrible, terrible person, but one who is perhaps suggesting that was all less than genuine?'

And you'd be right.

But Yulia has a workaround. Let's hear it, Yulia:

She was quick to add that her views aren’t at odds with her previous work; lesbians are a more acceptable form of sexuality than gay men, she claims, because women are "aesthetically nicer".

Okay, when I said we don't need to spend much time engaging with Yulia's substance, I might have been wrong.

Because she seems to be implying that lesbianism is absolutely fine, because women are nice to look at, the logic appears to suggest that she's looked at some cocks and decided they're pretty poorly designed.

From this, she's rationalised that since nobody would want to engage with something so ridgy, and thrusting, and dribbly-when-enraged, and coloured with a purple that Dulux has never tried to recreate, the only possible reason you'd want to go near one would be, reluctantly, to make a baby. And if there's not going to be a baby coming out of the encounter, why would you bother?

Winningly, Yulia has managed to invert one of the stock pieces of lazy gay stereotyping - that they're all aesthetes - and turned it on its head to suggest that for two men to enjoy their company when they're naked, those men would have to have no sense of style or taste at all.

So is Yulia right that acts of same-sex activity can pervert society? Actually, yes, in one very specific way.

Because, although All The Things She Said was a cracking pop song, without the video it would probably have been overlooked, and by now Tatu would, as a band, be too obscure a reference for Pointless and probably only deployed during the latter stages of Only Connect, if at all. Ironically, we could all probably be moving on without having to worry about what a spiteful Russian woman thought about men who have sex with men if that woman hadn't spent time snogging another woman in the rain, in front of a camera, a decade ago.

That might be, uniquely, the one piece of same-sex activity we'd all have been better off without.

Gordon in the morning: We missed the signs

Under a grim-faced David Bailey portrait (commissioned by Q, apparently), Take That share their "guilt" over Robbie Williams as part of the narrative that's going to lead up to an unwanted reunion:

GARY BARLOW has admitted there was “a series of events we should have spotted” as Robbie went off the rails before quitting the band in 1995.

He added: “That’s my one regret. I missed the signs. I think we all did.”

Well, they were fairly subtle signs, weren't they Gary?

Gary added: “Rob would go to Dublin or somewhere and get off his head. Then he’d come home and say: ‘I haven’t slept for two days.’

“He didn’t want to go home and face his mum so he’d come to me first.

Yes, disappearing off for a two-day bender and being unable to face your family - you're not a professional psychologist, Gary - how could anyone think that might be a sign anything was wrong?

Mark, at least, seems to be having trouble taking this groundwork for the group hug entirely seriously:

MARK OWEN chipped in: “Sometimes we’d joke and say we wanted to be in OASIS. But he actually did want to be in Oasis. I feel a bit guilty now that I wasn’t mature enough to hear his cries.”

This man was saying he wanted to work for Noel Gallagher. How could we not know he was in pain?

Meanwhile, professional breast-shower and occasional failed pop star Jordan is sharing her views on criminal justice:

“The way I see it is an eye for an eye.

“So if someone rapes a girl he should be bent over and the same thing done to him. I’m sorry that’s just the way I feel. I’m very strict.”

“If someone is done for drink-driving they should have their licence taken away for life.

“And if someone steals they should have to wear a dye on their skin, like a tattoo on their ear or somewhere it can be seen – like across their face! That would stop people stealing.”

Boris Johnson is probably trying to sign her up for a knife crime initiative right now.

Sadly, Jordan doesn't reveal if, in her world, there would be one State rapist handing out justice through forced anal penetration, or if it would fall to someone from Group4 to do it. Perhaps her ideas aren't entirely thought through. Which, come to think of it, might explain why they're so offensively stupid.

Still, it's nice to see Jordan marching in step with some of the more extremist religious. Apart from the porn.

Oh - and what's this?

Lily's lesbian romp with twins

A headline which can mean only one thing. Lily Allen has a new record out.

: “I did once snog identical twins in San Diego.

“I was on the sofa and I had them both. I was dancing and shoving my arse on one of them.

“That’s the only time, but I have lesbian dreams a lot.”

Rubbing your arse on a twin isn't a "lesbian romp". It barely qualifies as dirty dancing, Lily.

MTV plot over-literal Katy Perry performance

Given that Katy Perry's I Kissed A Girl has all the subtlety of a Simon Heffer think piece, it's surprising to discover that MTV executives are afraid that their viewers might not have got the point of the song, and are trying to get her to kiss a girl while performing her hit single Look! Look! I've Had A CosmoGirl Style Bi-Try Experimental Snog With A Girl! Me, Over Here! Little Bit Gay! OMG Not "Gay" Gay Though Like, Cringe Or What?.

And through a process which we can only conclude involved typing FAMOOS LESBIAN into Google, they're angling for Lindsay Lohan. Which would take a grindingly obvious stunt record, add a screamingly hackneyed stunt, and call for a flatly unsurprising guest appearance.

Now: if it was Blanche from the Golden Girls, then we'd offer some respect.

Mel C offers an explanation

No Rock invested its faith in Mel C to save us from a Spice Girls reunion. She let us down, and the world suffered the consequences - Gordon Smart making jokes about his erection, a lukewarm, legacy-trashing comeback track, Geri Halliwell released back into the wild. And Emma Bunton sitting in for Judy Finnegan.

Now, Mel C explains why:

"I was the one who didn't want the reunion. I took a hell of a lot of persuading because I was so reluctant to go back into it for all sorts of reasons.

"Part of it was I felt we could never recapture those times, and there was a big part of me that just didn't want to be reminded of who I was back then.

"It's amazing to think that as part of the biggest band on the planet I spent most of my time completely miserable because I had a terrible eating disorder.

"At the height of it all I wasn't eating and I was exercising so much my periods stopped and my bone density was low."

But her main worry is the impact her skinny image may have had on her fans: "The worst thing for me was that I was a role model to millions of young girls," she says.

There's an awful lot of good ideas for not doing it. So how much - sorry, what was it - that persuaded her to get back on the saddle?

"Eventually I thought: ‘Why not?' The other girls really wanted to do it. At first I was frightened of being overwhelmed by all those old feelings, but then I started to feel that maybe this was something I had to do.

"The idea of putting on a great pop show was appealing, as was the idea of spending time with the girls.

"It was an incredibly positive experience. We're all older and wiser, and we put a lot of ghosts to rest on that tour.

"When it was over, I was finally proud to be a Spice Girl. All those frightened, negative, mixed feelings had disappeared.

"Whatever was said, we all got on incredibly well. We've had our fights and feuds, but we're now more like sisters than friends."

We're trying to process this - so the time she was in the band was horrible, forcing her to make herself sick and setting up a horrible set of expectations in young fans - so the idea of "spending time" doing that again was somehow attractive?

Perhaps it seemed so in retrospect. Or at least when the cheque had definitely cleared.

Still, it was nice for Mel to take a trip down memory lane. She's even been revisiting old rumours:

"I've just come back from Canada," she says, then leans forward and adds: "But they're a bit behind with their gossip. They kept asking me whether I was a lesbian, which was funny and quite sweet.

"I haven't been asked that in years. I know everyone thought I was gay when I had my hair cut and put on a bit of weight, and, of course, because of my tattoos."

Yes. Of course "because of tattoos." Especially the "I am as queer as a Bryan Adams collaboration" one she's got on her left thigh.

Lesbians really just hoping for a go at Usher

You might not have realised lesbianism was a problem. That's why we should be thankful to geniuses like Usher, who not only has decided that it's down to a shortage, but also believes that he has answer. He would be the answer:

m I so much of a bad guy because I decided to get married? Am I so much of a bad guy [because once I got in the situation], I decided to stand for something, build a foundation, and think about my future? As a man, you would respect me for not turning my back on it. ... It can never be bad to have a foundation as a man — a black man — in a time when women are dying for men. Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men. Are you not studying the stories? Wake up! Black love is a good thing."

If only there were a few more Ushers around, there might be no need for women to be gay at all. Simple!

Of course, the only flaw in his plan is Usher is so wonderfully wonderful, he's going to not just attract women, but men as well. They won't be able to resist his charms. And with men lost to Usher love, women will be back to square one.

Alicia Keys: "I had gay hair"

Not, of course, that Alicia Keys would resort to a spot of lazy stereotyping of lesbians, but she reckons people think she's gay because she used to look a bit rough:

"I was definitely rough around the edges. I look back at certain interviews and I'm like, 'Damn! Did I have to look that hard? Did I have to do my hair that way?'

"I could see why people couldn't see the diamond in the rough.

"I didn't take it to heart. I know what I am. I know it's not true."

And, ahem, Alicia, it's not a bad thing to be anyway. Actually.

Brand awareness

So, a group called Lavender Productions have named a bunch of men that, they claim, are "Lez Daddys", the equivalent of gay men's icons. The idea, it seems, is to:

increase gay awareness across Europe.

Radio 2's Russell Brand is on the list, which is topped by David Walliams. Yes, him off Attachments:

A Lavender spokeswoman said: “David is a very open-minded individual and has been very supportive and accepting towards lesbian women in his work. He has even played a few lesbians himself.

“He is the one who makes lesbians doubt themselves – not surprising when you consider how beautiful his legs look in a skirt.”

No matter how many times you refresh the page, yes, it does appear that Lavender are "increasing awareness across Europe" by suggesting that lesbians "doubt themselves" when they come across Walliams. Which seems to be "you think you're gay, but you'll think differently when you meet the right bloke" wrapped up in a celebrity awards ceremony from where we're sitting. We're going to go and sob quietly in a corner for a minute or two.

Victoria Newton casts herself as The Freak

The Sun's Victoria Newton has excelled herself with her coverage of Paris Hilton's jail sentence for breaking the terms of her drunk driving probation:

Paris In Jail Lesbo Alert

Sorry... did Newton just call gay women "lesbos"?

Yesterday a woman visiting her mum at the jail said inmates shower together and a large group of “very masculine lesbians” prey on them. She added: “This place is bad. Paris is not going to make it.”

Well, that assumes that the lesbians are going to be in any way interested in the hatchet-faced whining rich girl, which seems more than a little unlikely.

"The only gay male belly dancer in the world"

They're describing it as "a festival with knobs and knockers on", which is more than just an attempt to make the announcement of - yes - yet another festival seem interesting. This is, as far as we can tell ("as far as we can be bothered to check") the first queer-festival. Although, obviously, there are lots of other gay festivals of various types, this one is a music festival in a field type festival, and gay as you please.

And when better than the ten anniversary of Ellen DeGeneres coming out to announce it?

This is the line up (leap over if you don't want to scroll)

CLUBS

Horse Meat Disco

Trailer Trash

Bootylicious

Crash London

Club Motherf*cker



DJs

Mark Moore

Tom Stephan

Guy Williams

Readers Wives

James Hillard

Jim Stanton

Severino

Filthy Luka

Nikki Lucas

Jeffrey Hinton

Mikki Most

Hannah Holland

Jonty Skruff

Jerry Bouthier

Ian Robinson

DJ Rokk

Per QX

Tallulah

Daughters of the Kaos

Jon Sizzle



CABARET

Drag king supreme Murray Hill

The fabulous Jonny Woo

Horse Meat Disco Voguers Ball

Speed Dating

Tranny Lapdancing*

The Lip Sinkers

Jonn Woo presents Gay Bingo

Paloma Faith

Alice Russell

Snakeboy, the world’s only gay male belly dancer!



LIVE STAGE

Robert Owens live band

2020 Soundsystem

Pop Levi

Crazy P

Dragonette

Loose Cannons

Black Ghosts

Talc

DMX Krew

Spektrum

No Bra

Joakim

The Soho Dolls

The Open Mouths

Anat-Ben David

Bishi

Dani Siciliano

The whole thing is aiming to be a bit more gorgeous than your average festival, with proper nice food and delicious camping. And if there's mud - as mud there must always be - we're sure it'll be scented, or at least reviving. It's going to cost £98, although that comes down to thirty if you're prepared to kip in a Dormobile or something, and it's going to take place an hour and a half's drive from central London (which in our experience would place it somewhere just outside central London.) More details and stuff on the internet.

Mel C: Gay. True.

It's not an answer to 'is Mel C a lesbian'. But, at least, she's going to play GAY. But look, she's got a boyfriend, okay?

Oh, God. Surely we're not going to fall for it

Ananova are biting on the Tatu story. Hotgwen, can't they tell a manufactured fake-controversy when they see one?

"They openly boast they are gay" - and so, what? You're not telling me they're (gasp) lesbians, are you? Why, that fact alone suddenly makes them a thousand times more interesting than if they were just two tone-deaf Russians trying to sell themselves to the sadwank market.

Now, if Mary Kate and Ashley came out as lovers - there would be some controversy.

Queerzine

Always nice to come across a magazine for non-straights that isn't stuffed with cock, and solanasonline is certainly one of those. We mention it here because it's got a LeTigre feature in it.