You can really trust Gordon Smart's column

Sorry to return to Smart again, but he had a big exclusive this morning:

EXCLUSIVE
By GORDON SMART, Showbiz Editor
Published: Today at 01:42
DAVID Walliams will play Michael Barrymore in a TV drama based on the troubled entertainer's life.

The project is headed by Anne Mensah, Sky Entertainment drama chief. Also involved is Geoff Atkinson, who ghost wrote the autobiography of the late Cheryl Barrymore, the 59-year-old star's ex-wife. Filming is due to start this year.

That's an astonishing story, isn't it? Imagine Walliams doing Kenny The Kangaroo, ordering people out the Summertime Special audience and something something swimming pool.

There is a slight problem, though: it's absolute bollocks:

Hi Gordon @gordonsmart We are not doing or developing any drama on Barrymore at Sky.No big shakes but just call if u need clarity on a story

— Stuart Murphy (@stuartmurphy100) March 10, 2012

If he can't get stories right about his own bloody company, what can you trust him on? I'm starting to doubt his word when he publishes photos of himself stood awkwardly with celebrities that it's him in them.

[Thanks to Michael M for the tip]

Gordon in the morning: How very, very proud you must be

Even by Gordon's standards, today's big splash which takes a photo of Lara Stone kissing a mate and turns it into a 'story'.

Not that he's actually saying anything about David Walliams' fiance:

Now, I'm sure nothing untoward happened and I can't blame the Frenchman for his snog. What's more, they are used to smooching. Last year they kissed for a couple of Chanel short films.

Righto. So you know there's nothing going on. So why the hell are you running it as a story? Is this some sort of postmodern tribute to James Burke's Connections and the 'Albert Memorial Still There' episode?

Oddly for a non-story, there isn't an unnamed 'pal', or 'source'. Oh, no:

A witness told me:

A witness to, erm, nothing, that would be?

Elsewhere: A The Darkness reunion. I thought we'd bolted the door?

Gordon in the morning: Written on the body

Gordon has a detail from the Williams/Ross interview that hasn't been in other reports:

"The differences [between Take That and Williams] we've had have just melted away.

"I celebrated by getting a Take That symbol tattooed on my right arm."

Gary! Gary! Look what I done... I done a tattoo off your logo and it's a proper one, with ink and everything. It's not like a transfer, like the other one I had done. Let me back in the band and I'll have your face done on my tummy. Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaasse, Gary.

From Williams to Walliams. Gordon has done an exclusive interview with David Walliams (it's quite hilarious, too - if you can ss the words "to read the whole of this exclusive interview, buy today's Sun newspaper" without giggling, you're made of stone.

Walliams has something to say about the current over-reaction of people to some jokes:

"This debate has always happened - 'Are comedians going too far?'

"Richard Pryor in the 1970s, Monty Python and Life Of Brian. The comedian's role has always been edgy.

"The idea that we want comedians to be on message, to be saying the right things - well, that's pointless."

Put through Gordon's filter, though, this becomes:

David Walliams on comedy's PC plague

Over the last couple of weeks venomous criticism from the politically-correct brigade has been aimed at other brilliant British comics accused of overstepping the mark.

Gordon, you really think the Mail - who started the whole Sachs thing and ushered in the new climate - are "politically correct"? Do you really think the people who didn't get the joke about the Queen and Phil on Have I Got News For You were complaining because they were "politically correct" and not merely confused and outraged from the Shires?

Still, interesting to see that The Sun hates this "brigade" and their venomous criticism. I guess Gordon is thinking of stuff like this:

Lately we've had Frankie Boyle attack Olympic gold swimmer Rebecca Adlington for having a face like someone looking in the back of a spoon.
[...]
Jimmy Carr then had a laugh at the expense of our injured soldiers.
[...]
Even our maimed boys could still kick your butt, Jimmy.
[...]
David Mitchell from the Peep Show thought a joke about girl-in-the-attic Anne Frank would get him some cheap laughs.

Inevitably, yes - that's from The Sun. Smeato's column, in fact.

Smeato's column is worth a read, by the way, for this wonderful example of what happens when you don't read back your own copy:

Like Walliams, Rod and Emu were notorious for jumping on folk.

They thought twice though when The Big Yin eye-balled them both with the deadly warning: "I'll break its neck - and your f***ing arm."

Now that's funny.

Morecombe And Wise used to entertain more than 20million telly viewers - more than The X Factor could ever hope for.

And they never felt a need to swear or be cruel.

So it's funny to threaten to break the arm of an elderly children's entertainer, and funny to swear while you're doing it, but not funny to be cruel or swear. They should let him write the BBC Editorial Policy guidelines.

Gordon in the morning: Dancing days

The front of Bizarre has a link to a story about George Sampson with the somewhat alarming headline:

Uncle Sampson woos George

It turns out that this isn't anything to do with ill-advised interfamily relations, but the news that there's a vague possibility that the musical Sampson is in might transfer to America. Hence Uncle Sam-pson.

Although there's nothing more than a vague possibility and an off-the-record claim that there are talks about transferring, Gordon has somehow crunched the numbers already:

It could earn the fleet-footed fella £250,000.

It could also earn him £7.50, or three squibillion pounds, or a six year spell in a Soviet-era gulag.

Gordon likes George, though. We think:

But George is a great lad who deserves his success. It’s nice to see all the fame and female fans going to a lad who is shy, humble and ego-free. For now.

The surprising emphasis was Smart's. Perhaps he just can't imaging that when Sampson is picking up a made-up half a million quid he'll be able to keep his feet on the ground.

Whatever did happen to Paul Potts?

Elsewhere, the story about David Walliams doesn't really need any commentary:

THIS picture will send Bizarre’s DAVID WALLIAMS gay-o-meter pinker than JORDAN’s wedding.

The Little Britain comic managed to wear men’s clothes for dinner with TV presenter DALE WINTON and actress BARBARA WINDSOR.

But he couldn’t have looked much more feminine as he planted a tender kiss on camp Dale’s cheek.

I hear David enjoyed his meal at London’s posh Scott’s restaurant – candy floss and a pink salmon salad.

That's how people grow tired

Obviously, Morrissey had already resumed his tour this Wednesday - after being too ill to play half his London dates - but even so, for someone who had only just got back to full strength, hoofing it down from Doncaster on Wednesday to tape a Jonathan Ross show on Thursday is quite a feat:



Talking of Ross and Morrissey, the awkward, toe-curling moment where Ross, Russell Brand and Dabid Walliams came onstage at the Roundhouse is preserved for all eternity on YouTube - "from every angle" as The Word's podcasters observed. This is why it's better for such announcements to be made over loudspeakers:

Gordon in the morning: Again with the Coles?

The continuing tale-a-day of the unhappy Coles dominates Gordon Smart's column this morning, with Gordon himself dredging up a new angle: a claim that Cheryl isn't eating:

HEARTBROKEN CHERYL COLE has not eaten for a WEEK since The Sun revealed her husband ASHLEY cheated on her.

Having set up his own story, Gordon then, erm, reveals that it's not quite true:

A source close to the Geordie singer said last night: “Everyone is really worried about Cheryl.

“She didn’t eat for a couple of days and everyone close to her understood because she was so upset.

“But time has dragged on and she has now gone the best part of a week without a proper meal. "

So, even Gordon's own "source" doesn't say she's not eaten for a week; just that she's not had a "proper meal" for "the best part of a week".

So Gordon's story is actually: upset woman doesn't have hearty appetite.

Smart tries to work it up into a pending medical emergency:

“She can’t force food down because she is still in shock. She’s been having dizzy spells and is close to collapse. It’s really worrying.”

She can't force food down because she's in shock?

Elsewhere, the team who are covering Britney Spears' mental health crisis come up with the perfect Gordon Smart Bizarre introduction:

BRITNEY SPEARS is addicted to crystal meth, it was claimed yesterday - as the singer nipped out in a revealing top.

Gordon also gets excited by Maggie Gyllenhaal's movie supporting the striking writers. Gordon, bravely adopting the role of Industrial Correspondent, gets excited:

Gyllenhaal in 'lesbian orgy'

Well... Gyllenhaal in film, actually. But poor Gordon gets all heated up only to be left with his sports sock on and nowhere to go:

The other ladies join her on the bed, but, as things start to get interesting, the lights fade and the film ends with a sexy pizza delivery girl entering the bedroom.

So, erm, no 'lesbian orgy', then.

David Walliams' admission that his cameo in Virgin Territory isn't very good excites Smart, as it allows him to look at some breasts:

Actually, that’s what the redeeming features are, - knockers - and they belong to model KATE GROOMBRIDGE.

I’ve seen some stills from the film and she kindly displays her perfectly-formed breasts, while a couple of naughty naked nuns share a saucy bath with Christensen.

Good to see the Star Wars hero keeping the lightsabre well oiled (and I thought I had the best job in showbiz).

How long will you keep that job if you think that Darth Vader is the hero of Star Wars?

Imagine the children

Supposedly, according to the dying moments of the old-style 3AM Girls, Geri Halliwell and David Walliams are stepping out together.

You can see the grounds for mutual attraction - one of them gets on stage dressed like an unconvincing woman and makes silly noises in a stupid voice; the other was in Attachments.

The 3AM team, meanwhile, gets a complete makeover from Monday. I know, I know, how will we ever sleep on Sunday night? Most notable of the new team is Danielle Lawler, who managed to last about two weeks as a member of Gordon Smart's "cabinet" before resigning to spend more time with the Daily Mirror.

Brand awareness

So, a group called Lavender Productions have named a bunch of men that, they claim, are "Lez Daddys", the equivalent of gay men's icons. The idea, it seems, is to:

increase gay awareness across Europe.

Radio 2's Russell Brand is on the list, which is topped by David Walliams. Yes, him off Attachments:

A Lavender spokeswoman said: “David is a very open-minded individual and has been very supportive and accepting towards lesbian women in his work. He has even played a few lesbians himself.

“He is the one who makes lesbians doubt themselves – not surprising when you consider how beautiful his legs look in a skirt.”

No matter how many times you refresh the page, yes, it does appear that Lavender are "increasing awareness across Europe" by suggesting that lesbians "doubt themselves" when they come across Walliams. Which seems to be "you think you're gay, but you'll think differently when you meet the right bloke" wrapped up in a celebrity awards ceremony from where we're sitting. We're going to go and sob quietly in a corner for a minute or two.

Two famous people talk to each other: Could it be wedding bells?

Normally, we'd not be that interested in news that David Walliams out of Little And Large and Geri Halliwell have spent an evening together, but we're bemused by Victoria Newton's claim at the start of the report:

CAMP comedian DAVID WALLIAMS has pulled gays’ favourite GERI HALLIWELL.

Clearly, then, this must be what Victoria Newton is looking for here - she's seeking out some gays. Obviously she couldn't find any, as I suspect there are no gays who would say that "Geri Halliwell is my favourite" anything. Unless it was a poll about "who is you favourite red-headed member of the Spice Girls"; and even then, we'd bet she'd come second to "Mel C wearing a red wig". Or third to "Sarah Ferguson, if she ever joined the group."

The era of Brave Kylie is now officially over

The period when any mention of Kylie in the red tops had to be accompanied by a reminder of how brave she is has now come to an end, as Victoria Newton turns her split with Olivier Martinez into a circus, (re)launching The Royal Society For The Prevention Of Cruelty to Kylie.

Yes, it's an old joke that Newton has warmed over, roping David Walliams in, although we suspect he didn't realise that Minogue's very real and painful split from her partner was about to be turned into a huge romp:

“She’s gorgeous and I hope she’s doing OK. I don’t know what went wrong with Olivier but I do know she deserves happiness and loyalty. She’s got my number if she wants to get together for a laugh.”

We wonder if Victoria Newton is going to do this for every couple who splits up. Will there, for example, be a Royal Society For The Prevention of Cruelty to Rebekah, what with The Sun's editor having recently uncoupled from Ross Kemp? Perhaps with a logo with Wade's face on?

Meanwhile, Walliam's throwaway line of an offer of a bottle of wine and a curry is being treated by Newton as if it was the first step in an attempt to woo:

Swordsman Walliams has even thrown his hat in the ring. He would certainly be a popular choice with her gay following. And he would definitely bring a smile to her face.

We love the idea that Kylie will have to run her choice of partner past her gay fans - and that Newton thinks that Walliams has some sort of megastar status amongst the gay community.