Ministry hits trouble

What are your plans for February? Al Jourgensen is spending his in rehab:

My sobriety will not, and I repeat, not knock off my sarcasm. If anything, it will intensify. I appreciate the support from my brother and family. I kicked dope and crack by myself, but I need help on this one, so all your thoughts and prayers are more than welcome."

Al Jourgensen requesting prayers? It must be worse than we thought.

Lance Bass tells us he is unsurprised at Bieber's arrest

Lance Bass saw it coming, you know. He knew there was trouble ahead for Bieber. He'd even shared his worries with dozens of listeners to his radio programme:

"I was not surprised at all," he told us at tonight's Delta Airlines pre-Grammys party in West Hollywood. "I host my own talk show on Sirius XM so we've been following the Biebs for quite a few months. The spiral down. So no, we called it a long time ago."

Yes. Yes. "We've been following the Biebs". That's a thing he said.

It might be worth wondering if, following someone on a downward spiral going 'he's heading for the bottom of a downward spiral' actually takes much in the way of predictive powers.

You might also ask if there was anyone at all on the planet who was expecting Justin Bieber to suddenly start a course at his local community college, start dating that nice girl from the next street and generally sort his life out.

Indeed, Channel 4 had already announced a series - "Justin Bieber's Further Descent Into Absolute Dickwaddery" - so obvious was this happening.

Indeed, three States had already got Bieber to pose for mugshots as it'd just save time when the inevitable occured.

Indeed, this year's MTV Awards had already negotiating with The Corrections Corporation of America as they're expecting to need some sort of live link to the rec room this year.

Lance Bass is very much a man watching the sunrise going "knew this would happen. I said the sun hadn't spiralled off into space, never to return."

Still, Lance - having called it - knows what Bieber needs now:

Like I said, he just needs a little chill time to snap him into reality.

Absolutely, Lance. When anyone gets loaded and drives too fast, putting people at real risk of life-changing injuries or death, the solution is booking into a day spa.

It was different for Lance, of course, because he wasn't the popular one in NSync ("was in a group"):

I feel for him because I know exactly what he is going throug," Lance said of Bieber. "I've seen it with Britney, with Lindsay, with all the other teen stars out there. It was easier for me because I was in a group, I had four of my best friends knocking me down when I needed it and a great family. But with solo artists, it's hard because you got a lot of yes people around you and there like, 'Yeah, that's great.' They'll never tell you no. When no one tells you no, your reality is so out the door."

"Hey, I'm going to get drunk and drive too fast - good idea, yeah?"
"Excellent idea, Mr Justin. How about something from the drug cupboard to take the edge off?"

I wonder if Lance's interpretation is as mistaken as you'd expect from someone who has a show on Sirius XM. Surely the problem Bieber will have had is not people saying yes, but rather - as he was a chunk of marketable meat that needed to be TeenBeat friendly - he's been surrounded by a lot of no; and when he finally broke free of that, it's an explosion.

Still, there's something that Bass gets right:

Bass added of Bieber's low jail bail amount of $2,500, "I have a feeling if it was any other person they'd be in jail right now."

Especially as most people can't easily post two and a half grand bail.

Dave Gahan given prize for not caning it

Musicares has thrown a pricey bash to raise funds for charity and, erm, applaud Dave Gahan for not being a lush any more:

Dinner was served but alcohol was off the menu.

Yes, you might expect that.

Gahan :

Gahan, 48, told Reuters before the event that he lives a clean life now, although it requires discipline and self-control to avoid giving in to temptation.

"If you sit in a barber's shop long enough, you're gonna get a f---in' haircut," he said with a laugh.

"I don't hang out with people that are getting high because I'm not that strong. It's fun to party and I had a lot of fun, and I kind of used up all my chips in that department."

If you sit in a barber's shop long enough, you're going to get a haircut. If he wasn't parading his sobriety, you'd have to have assumed he was drunk when he said that.

It's funny, most barbers I've been too require your consent before they start shoving cocaine up your nose.

Gordon in the morning: Bottoms up

Did you know Tanya Gold sometimes does stuff for The Sun? Back in March, she was why-oh-whying through the vomit-strewn streets of late night Britain:

You are a binge drinker, I say, and you are risking your health. "Yes, I am!" she happily shrieks back.

I probe her about why she drinks and if she is worried about her health, her liver, her personal safety, her sanity. It is like talking to a child. She is not worried and she doesn't know why she binge drinks.

As far as I can see, teenagers in Britain are playing Russian roulette with their lives every weekend.

And at least some of these teenage drinkers will become chronic alcoholics.

Why oh why?

BRITAIN is in the midst of an underage drinking epidemic, say medical experts and politicians.

New figures show that 8,000 under-18s are being admitted to A&E every year for drink-related problems.

But why do teenage girls, some as young as 14, feel the need to get so wasted?

Yes, it's a total mystery. Where do young kids get the idea it's cool to drink until you fall over, that it's natural and perhaps the only way to express pleasure?

Total mystery.

Anyhoo, back to this morning's Gordon Smart Is Bizarre. He's reporting on how The Wanted have spent their week at Number One:

I ASSUMED THE WANTED were just another drippy boy band.

But the chart-topping quintet have shot straight to No1 in my Caners' League with an impressive bender that lasted FIVE DAYS.

They did what, Gordon? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Still trying to think about how young people get the idea that they need to be getting wasted. What were you saying?

SIVA KANESWARAN was the worst victim - being barely able to string a sentence together.

He said: "We got home at 6am. No one remembers much."

Forgive me, Gordon. Just can't get Tanya's report out of my mind. Why do these kids find themselves treating drinking almost as if it's a competitive sport? Still, that's got nothing to do with your entertainment beat, has it? Tell me more about the Wanted:

Current Caner Of The Year holders JLS have gone so soft they are in real danger of losing their crown.

Sorry - got distracted again. I was wondering if perhaps there's peer pressure on youngsters to drink; that perhaps if they don't "keep up" they might find themselves being ridiculed. You were saying something about JLS, I believe, Gordon?

Chief boozers ASTON MERRYGOLD and MARVIN HUMES were rarely seen without a drink in one hand and a girl on their arm throughout 2009.

I might be being a little unfair to Gordon here - it's not like he's absolutely slurry-thick ignorant about how his 'your liver is something you must destroy in order to obtain coolness' shtick might influence younger readers. Why, look: he even includes a public information line:

NATHAN SYKES, who wasn't able to drink as he is still only 17, said the boys are determined to keep the ball rolling.

You see? There's no way that Gordon could be accused to adding on the pressures of underage drinkers.

Gordon in the morning: Cable news

Steel yourself before embarking on Gordon's queasy 'it's what he would have wanted' piece on the death of Stuart Cable this morning:

TRAGIC STUART CABLE died after a huge drinking binge - in an eerie copy of his AC/DC idol's fate.
The former STEREOPHONICS drummer had been on a bender lasting THREE WEEKS to mark his 40th birthday, pals revealed yesterday.

And he apparently choked to death on his vomit - exactly as his hellraising hero BON SCOTT did 30 years ago.

Who wouldn't want to die in exactly the same way as their hero, right?

To make it even more ghoulish, the AC/DC tribute band who played at Cable's birthday are dragged in to plump the idea that this was some sort of Twilight Zone tribute death:

Last night shocked Bons Balls drummer KEV SMITH said: "It was a brilliant gig. Stuart was fantastic fun. He got up and drummed with us, which was amazing.

"He idolised Bon Scott, who was his absolute hero. Stuart said he was Scott's reincarnation - that they could have been twins.

"For him to have choked to death, just as Scott did - well, it sends a shiver down my spine. It's spooky."

Isn't a young man dying in a horrible way enough? Do we really need to try and find a wacky, Fortean Times 'angle'?

If Gordon really wanted to write something about Cable's death, perhaps he could try coming up with something which squares his own encouragement of people to over-indulge - the infamous Caner Of The Year prize and the fawning over those who photographed falling over - with the actual consequences of where that can lead. But that might be a bit too based in reality.

Out of their heads: Study finds songs about drinking, drugs

We're not entirely sure why anyone would bother, but - presumably during a quiet time - a team led by Dr. Brian Primack of the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine totted up the number of references to drinking and drugs in pop songs, did some maths, and decided that 15 to 18 year old kids in America hear 30,000 references to substance use every year. While listening to music.

Apparently.

Seventy-seven percent of rap songs tracked in the study contained such references, along with 36 percent of country songs, 20 percent of songs classified as "R&B/hip-hop," 14 percent of rock songs and 9 percent of pop songs. Alcohol and marijuana were the most common references found, with tobacco more rarely mentioned.

In "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off", country singer Joe Nichols sings: "She can handle any champagne brunch/A bridal shower with Bacardi punch/Jello shooters full of Smirnoff/But tequila makes her clothes fall off."

Blimey. One song and that's four references right there.

The study doesn't draw any conclusions, much:

The study, published in the journal Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, did not draw conclusions about the music's effect on young listeners. But the researchers said there is evidence that exposure to certain media messages can increase substance use among adolescents.

Because it turns out that nearly all drug addicts had listened to music when they were growing up, we suppose.

Still, however slight the research might be, the RIAA has flown into action, blaming society for putting drunks into records instead of music for putting drunks into society:

"While we have not had the opportunity to thoroughly assess the study, it's important to note that music is generally a reflection of society," said Jonathan Lamy, a spokesman for the Recording Industry Association of America, the trade group for the U.S. recording business.

Lamy said recording companies place parental advisory logos on albums stating an album contains explicit content.

"Parents play an essential role as well -- the music that children listen to is an importance choice, and parents are the first and most important teacher," Lamy said by e-mail.

But does a mention of alcohol count as "explicit content"? Amusingly, the RIAA website giving guidance as to when explicit content should get a sticky label spends far longer explaining where to place the sticker than it actually does giving guidance on when to do so; it mentions parental guidance might be required for songs which mention substance abuse, but the survey was about substance use - would Jermaine Stewart, for example, suggesting that drinking cherry wine is something you can do without taking your clothes off get a sticker? Probably not; but it would probably fall foul of the survey.

This is starting to treat the study as if it was meaningful, though. Coming tomorrow: someone burns through university funds to produce paper saying "bloody hell, have you seen how many songs are about having sex?"

[Thanks to Michael M for the link]

Cerys' family "worried sick"

After her rather-noticeable over-enjoyment of alcohol, Cerys Matthews sorted herself out and got sober.

Not any longer, as "worried family and friends" have erm, told Closer magazine:

"We're worried sick about Cerys. But we can only sit and watch as she drinks again. She drinks with Marc nearly every day.

"It's dangerous - she's not good with alcohol. At the moment she's happy because she's in love. But what happens when they have a big row or split up?

"She'll reach for the bottle or drugs in a big way, only this time she has kids - we love her too much to let it happen again."

And, naturally, the thing you do if you love someone that much is flog a story to one of the trashier magazines about it.

Interestingly, the implication seems to be that it's Marc Bannerman leading her astray, rather than the more plausible possibility that going on I'm A Celebrity in the first place, the Hellomance and, yes, drinking, might all be symptoms of the same problem.

Cerys isn't stupid though: let's hope she sobers up before she starts becoming a habitué of the middle pages of Closer and Pick Me Up.

How is that rest cure going, Amy?

Having pulled her UK tour because doctors insisted she needed a rest, how delightful to see Amy Winehouse putting her feet up. Between six hour pub-crawls, of course.

Boycott Amy Winehouse

We shouldn't buy any more Amy Winehouse records. Obviously, we never have and never would, but it's nice for a media campaign we can feel like we're joining in with. Blake Furtive Squirrel's mum has called on us, the record-buying public, to refuse to buy any more of Amy's records:

The mother of Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Civil-Fielder [sic] and her husband Giles have urged fans to stop buying her records, and the record company to cancel her contract - until she seeks help for her drug and alcohol addictions.

We're not quite sure what the signal will be that it will once again be acceptable to download Rehab from iTunes: will the Fielder-Civils issue another public proclamation, or will there be a live TV link-up showing Amy happily guzzling J2O?

Still, it's nice to know that it's being made our fault for giving Winehouse the money to drug her eyes out of her head rather than the two individuals who are cracking themselves downwards being expected to take any form of responsibility for their lives. Perhaps Winehouse should think about suing her record label for letting her make money in the first place?

Adams gets clean

Ryan Adams has quit drink and drugs, possibly through a 2-for-1 cleaning deal at Bollom. He's quite proud:

"I'd wake up, work, go for a drink or two and be exhausted," he told Rolling Stone magazine about his former habits. "I would have drugs to keep my physical being going in order to never have to stop working in the night."

"Think about falling off a bicycle and smashing your nuts on that bar, or the most horrible sports accident you can think of," he continued. "That doesn't cover what it would be like for me to imagine drinking or doing drugs again."

This proves that there is scientific need for you to have an implant provided for you by the money earned from your girlfriend's supermodelling jobs.

It's not clear if Adams will now release fewer records, although the smart money is on him no longer churning out six or seven records at a time.

Pixie dusted

There's coverage of Pixie Geldof's suspension from school following drinking escapades, padded out with photos lifted from facebook. They add in some lurid detail - "Bacardi Breezers", "caught smoking".

We're not entirely sure how this squares with the Press Complaints Commission code of practice:

i) Young people should be free to complete their time at school without unnecessary intrusion.
[...]
v) Editors must not use the fame, notoriety or position of a parent or guardian as sole justification for publishing details of a child’s private life.

Presumably, the News would try and argue they were running the story about an otherwise unremarkable teenager on the basis that she is the sister of Peaches rather than the daughter of Bob.

Mind you, judging by this picture of her from the NOTW website, maybe she's let her self go so badly we need this intervention.

Taboo: Where is the clutch?

Taboo, one of the other Black Eyed Peas, has been arrested and charged with drink-driving. Apparently, he was also accused of possessing blow and prescription medicine (only without a prescription). A court date hasn't been set.

Presumably he was trying to find a way to occupy himself while Fergie is busy elsewhere; or maybe he wanted to try and remind the world there are other Peas beyond her and Will I Am.

It's not known if he was actually drunk on Taboo when he was stopped.

Lightbody's evenings of heavy

Apparently, Gary Lightbody has stopped drinking because he was getting through thirty pints every evening. He was depressed, see:

“I started drinking at 25. I was being an arsehole. I was swearing at people, smashing equipment and acting like a dickhead. I loathed myself. At my worst I'd do maybe 30 pints of Guinness on a three-day bender. I've always got my finger on the self-destruct button. Drink's lost its appeal, to be honest. I don't drink on tour. I get very depressed and I lose my voice, which makes me even more depressed."

To be honest, we thought that being depressed was his thing - after all, how is he going to churn out primetime TV friendly downbeat droners if he's sitting chuckling to himself at today's Fred Bassett?

And we can't help wondering if the "thirty pints of Guiness" has more than a little in common with William Hague's 14 pints of beer, which he'd hoped would prove something about himself we'd find surprising.