The Osmonds: A house divided

It's not just the increasingly brittle Tory party who are split in two over the idea of gay people having basic civil rights. That other battered, storied institution, The Osmonds, are also having a tough time of it.

Over in Utah, many of The Osmonds are actively campaigning against gay marriage, holding an event:

You'll note it starts with a "gather and mingle", although I'm assuming the mingling was tightly controlled to go girl, boy, girl, boy.

But you know who doesn't have time to listen to a teenager playing the piano in a bid to try and stop people they'll never meet getting married?

Marie Osmond, that's who. Marie's got something to say:

"The God that I believe in is a god of love, not fear. I don't tell my children if you're not good you're going to Hell. I tell my children that God will be there for them when they struggle. That's the God I believe in...I believe in [my daughter's] civil rights, as a mother. I think my daughter deserves everything that she desires in life. She's a good girl. She's a wonderful child. I don't think God made one color flower. I think he made many..."

You know, it might be churlish to point out here that there's not really any doubt that there are many flowers. Although the God making them bit isn't exactly factual.

So let's just applaud Marie Osmond's warmth, and remember that Not All Osmonds Think The Same.

The Osmond reformation

We can't be certain there was an ancient scripture warning us about the events that would flow from the reuniting of the Osmonds, but we can't help noticing since they got back together on stage, it's gotten awful windy outside.

"It's just a reminder that we're all one big happy family," Merrill Osmond said.

"We make a great shepherd's pie," added Jimmy, "with a pretty garnish named Marie".

Surely adding a woman as a garnish to a pie is more Sweeny Todd than Little Jimmy? And if we were Marie, we'd object to the suggestion that our contribution to the group was little more than an eye-pleasing dusting.

Mind you, it's still very self-aware of Jimmy to compare himself and his brothers to a shepherd pie - a dish made to try and give some flavour to leftovers, padded out with a lot of starchy potatoes.

Marie Osmond back on the market

We're pretty certain this one isn't an April Fool hoax, too: Marie Osmond is divorcing her husband Brian Blosil. The pair are so positive and upbeat about each other that it's a miracle they're bothering divorcing at all:

In a statement released by Osmond's publicist, the couple said: "Though our marriage is ending, we continue to have a very amicable relationship.

"Our marriage has always been a faithful one and neither of us is assigning fault for the divorce."

The couple married in 1986. It was Marie's second marriage, and you just know that somewhere an aunt is sniffing and saying "I knew it wouldn't last."