The secret diary of Mark Frith

Let us dip again into Mark Frith's diary, an insight into what life is really like deciding how much you should pay for a photo of someone from Big Brother in a bikini. Mark gets a call to step in front of the cameras:

Today, I filmed the 'celebrity' edition of The Weakest Link. Which is odd, given that I'm not remotely famous.

When I signed up to do this, the people on it alongside me were pretty impressive: Jarvis Cocker, Mo Mowlam and members of the So Solid Crew. By the time I arrived the line-up had become me, Edwina Currie, one of Bucks Fizz, the bloke who runs marathons in silly outfits for charity and Terry Christian, the TV presenter.

This is curious - given that Frith is editing the nation's celebrity magazine, surely he'd know that when researchers are trying to lure people on the telly, they tell them who else is doing it - but always, always, reading from the dream list drawn up during the official brain storm ("Archbishop Tutu! Gordon Ramsay! Kelvin McKenzie!") rather than the shorter list of those who've said yes (That bloke off the thing about hairdressing... the TV editor of the Daily Post... Bobby Ball, if Tommy still refuses to do Celebrity Donkey Punch...). Surely, though, even he must have realised that if they're reduced to ringing the bloke who edits Heat, they've pretty much run out of celebrity options and are starting to think about reworking it as an ITV Regional Weather forecasters Special instead?

Mark does go on - and beats Edwina Currie in the final round. He lists how much he won for his charity but, oddly, doesn't mention the name of the charity - which, you would have thought, would have made sense to have dropped in if it was a cause close to his heart.

Mark is so self-effacing about his lowly status throughout. And yet he dismisses the great Bernie Clifton as "the bloke who runs marathons in silly outfits for charity".

Weakest Link goes Britpop

We suspect there's no real plan to produce a Britpop Special edition of The Weakest Link beyond a vague idea and a Daily Star gossip columnist, but let's play along.

Naturally, the big idea is to refight Blur versus Oasis - yet again - this time as quiz; beyond Albarn and one of the Gallaghers:

[o]ther stars that bosses want to have on the show include Pulp's Jarvis Cocker, Elastica's Justine Frischmann, Manic Street Preachers' James Dean Bradfield and Suede's Brett Anderson.

We suspect the best they'll manage is one of the Boo Radleys; Bonehead and/or Guigsy; Phil 'I was on Park Life' Daniels; the drummer from Echobelly and probably, stretching a point, Justin Hawkins.

It might be indistinguishable from a normal edition of the programme.

Doherty meets Robinson?

Sadly, since it's sourced from the Daily Express, we're not convinced that Pete Doherty is trying to get on The Weakest Link. Even though we'd love to believe he thinks its the way back to Kate Moss' heart:

"People might not realise it but I am well educated and well read,” explained Doherty. “I can prove to people there is more to me than just drugs."

What 'people' would not know that Doherty had a good education? Presumably if you were unaware of his upper-middle class background, you might be slightly surprised that he went to good school and achieved a trilby-hat full of certificates, but Kate Moss, surely, would already know this? And if you wanted to prove your brains, wouldn't you aim for something slightly higher than the pub-quiz level of The Weakest Link: a Mastermind, maybe, or a stint on Radio 4's Round Britain Quiz at the very least?

Even if Pete did win the Weakest Link, he'd still be fighting the aura of stupidity created by telling the Daily Mirror how horrible Moss was would be the way to win her back.