Jesus dropped from Chris Evans show

Eliza Doolittle turned up to do a tune or two for Chris Evans, and ended up changing some of the words. The Christian Post is outraged:

Doolittle had to change her lyrics from "Sometimes I wish I was Jesus, I'd get my Air Max on and run across the sea for you" to 'Sometimes I wish it was easy to get my Air Max on and run across the sea for you."

"It was weird because I'm not being blasphemous, I just meant 'I wish I could run across water and see you,' but maybe wishing for the power of God was blasphemous enough for them," Doolittle told the Daily Mail in a recent interview over the issue.

It's not clear why this has suddenly become a thing - the show was on at the end of November last year, but never one to object to an unlikely resurrection, an ex-Archbish has piled in:

Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Carey has spoken out against the radio network's decision, saying he is "totally appalled" over the incident. "I'm not surprised the BBC is behind this because their attitude tends to be to dumb down the Christian message."

Is it worth pointing out that the same programme featured - as Chris Evans' show does every day - a couple of minutes of spiritual reflection in the Pause For Thought slot? Probably not.

Is it even worth asking Carey to explain why removing a lyric that hooks one of the miracles held sacred by Christians to a pair of expensive plimsoles in the context of a weak love song is "dumbing down" a Christian message, while including that lyric in the song, presumably, isn't?

And, naturally, it turns out it was Doolittle's label which pushed for the lyric change. Perhaps Carey was just taking the Mail's story on faith alone?

(Side note: Interesting that the Christian Post seems to be unaware that Carey is no longer head of the Church off England.)

Harry Styles as Lennon, with Lennon as Jesus

If you're ever in need of a working example of "the second time as farce", you can now reach for the outrage that has greeted Harry Styles turning up in America and saying One Direction are, right now, bigger than The Beatles.

A spokesperson for Jesus giggled and said "now Lennon knows how Jesus felt when he was throwing round the comparisons in our direction. Stings, doesn't it, John?"

Gary Barlow: the Wilderness years

So, as Gary Barlow picked up his Music Industry Trust Award he gave a little speech:

Barlow himself reminded the audience at the Grosvenor hotel that it hadn't always been easy for him, saying in his acceptance speech that "I loved the fact that I spent seven years in the wilderness, doing a lot of eating".

The wilderness, eh? As self-aggrandising claims go, comparing yourself to Jesus is one of the biggies. But was Barlow really, like Jesus, out in the desert having his faith tempted? The "lot of eating" reference suggests superficially that, had the devil suggested he turned stones to bread for a bit of lunch, Barlow would have said he'd already eaten, but more specifically, was Barlow experiencing a period of self-imposed exile?

There was a period when nobody bought his solo records - mainly because they were godawful - but that isn't going into the wilderness; a closer biblical parallel would be that of the scapegoat, with Barlow being made to carry the sin of Take That's collapse.

But after that, Barlow was busy writing songs for people like Charlotte Church and Shirley Bassey. So, not exactly alone and out in the wilds, then.

Embed and breakfast man: A day with the Jesuses

Hey, band - looking for a name? Want something a bit edgy?

Don't go for something with Jesus in.

Sure, about forty years ago, putting Jesus' name on a band poster might have shocked and surprised people, but John Lydon was still capable of shocking people back then. But in 2011, it just looks a little desperate, like drawing a penis on your school exercise book. The best you can hope for is a light pantomime of outrage, but nobody's heart will really be in it and you just end up having to ram a massive cock into your school bag every morning for the rest of the year.

After all, in many Catholic communities, Jesus is commonly given as a name to boys and - because there's no such thing as nominative determinism - there are Jesuses all over the place who turn over liquor stores, treat their boyfriends really badly and put plastic into the paper recycling box. It's not like the idea of someone borrowing Jesus' name and doing something wrong under the banner will bring the church to its knees. Especially given that the church has managed to survive the many wrongs done under the banner of the Church over the year.

Oddly, more Anglican types don't use Jesus as a name for their kids, favouring Christian instead. The idea of using your value system as a name for your kids doesn't seem to have spread much further than this, which is why you didn't go to school with Marketsocialism Jones, Threesecondrule Brown or IftheygivemechangeforatennerwhenIonlygavethemafiverImkeepingititsnotliketescocantaffordit Pryce-Graham. Obviously, there'd never have been a Youdontneedcondomsifyouwhipitoitintime Lloyd.

But despite there being nothing inherently culture-crushing about putting the word Jesus into your band name, bands keep on doing it. There's been something of an arms race, with some of the smarter Jesus-themed acts realising they needed to weaponise their brand with another, equally-presumably-offensive idea or concept. Hence you get bands like Vaginal Jesus.

That's just drawing a cock on both sides of your maths book.

Come, then, let us spend Good Friday looking at bands who have taken Jesus' name, most often in vain.

We'll give them an X Factor (yes, this might be a half-arsed Good Friday Bank Holiday feature, but that doesn't mean it doesn't deserve a Greek pun). This number will mark the band out of 10 on how close they came to despoiling forever the good name of Christ.

I should stress this figure has absolutely no scientific basis, and is just plucked out the sky in the mistaken hope that it will provide illumination by suggesting the existence of an externalised standard against which behaviour can be judged. Which seems kind of appropriate.

I'm suspecting I won't be able to find any Satan, The Jesus Infected Needle And Blood, by the way, but I live in hope.

In a moment, we'll kick off with the Reid brothers.

The Jesus And Mary Chain
Hookers For Jesus
Jesus Wore Dickies
Jesus Loves You
Jesus Skins
The Revolutionary Army Of The Infant Jesus
Jesus Lizard
Jesus Chrysler Suicide
Jesus Jones
The Last Days Of Jesus
Teenage Jesus And The Jerks

Elton John claims Jesus. Just claims him.

It's really great that Elton John has used an interview with Parade to raise the terrible situation for lesbians in the Middle East. It's a serious and important issue, and one that really needs an airing in the Western press.

Let's just hope Elton doesn't blow the moment by saying something that will just cause a bunch of sillies to get all upset, eh?

Oh.

"I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems," he said. "On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving.

"I don't know what makes people so cruel. Try being a gay woman in the Middle East ­ you're as good as dead."

But, of course, by the time he got to the point, it was already being drowned in howls of protest.

And so it is that instead of 'lesbians killed in Middle East', the headlines are all 'Elton says Jesus is queer'.

Beatles >= Jesus X

Of course, it's only a bit of fun, but simply because there were more searches for "Beatles" than "Jesus" on Google for a couple of days doesn't mean that "the Beatles were bigger than Jesus.

Mainly because people don't type the things they like into a search box. Otherwise I'd be constantly harrying Google for coffee and kisses.

And because The Beatles had something new-ish out, you'd probably expect that to have happened. If Jesus had just issued a remastered version of The Bible, or a computer game ("feed 5,000 people using your Wii..."), maybe he'd be doing better.

Not to mention that doing a Google search on one term doesn't mean you have to forswear your love of the subject of another possible search term. Searching on "King Kong" doesn't mean you'd have to abandon your love of "Godzilla".

Still, the Telegraph report does have this interesting paragraph:

Though the graph clearly shows that The Beatles caught the imagination of more people during September than Jesus did, video games experts point out that The Beatles Rock Band has not fared as well in the shops as expected with rival music game Guitar Hero 5 outselling the Fab Four's version.

So, the albums sold nowhere near as well as expected - for all the excuses we keep hearing - and the computer game didn't sell well, either. Perhaps all those searches were people trying to work out what all the fuss was about?