Re: OUR GIG AT DEPTFORD ABYSS: Surprising that Pete Townshend still surfs the net - you'd have thought he'd had enough of the technology after recent events. But apparently he does, taking time out to email the Rocky Mountain News to complain about a review of a Who re-release. Although, to be fair, he does seem to have a point - the Super Audio CD remix of Tommy was difficult to balance out because Keith Moon's drums were recorded in Mono and thus there's no way of reproducing the sixteen track lushness of percusssion sound the modern listener might expect - this sentence shows just how boring his point is, and suggests that it might have been better telling his cat about how unjust the review was, rather than going to the trouble of sitting down and firing up the PC to dash off an email to "correct" what the reviewer heard. Mark Brown, to his credit, sits down and considers again the album in light of this information, but this misses the point - if an album sounds shit unless the producer sits down and gives you a fifteen page email telling you what to listen to, it's a shit album. Period. Or, rather, it's not meant to be heard in this format.

THERE WAS A RABBI, BRITNEY SPEARS AND MICHAEL JACKSON IN A HOTEL ROOM: No, it's not the start of a joke, apparently those are the circumstances in which Rabbi Shmuley Boteach met Britney a couple of years back. Now, though, he's felt the need to send Britney an open letter, tutting over her behaviour. Apparently, she's the reason why "religiously-minded people" feel the need to "cut their teenager daughters off from popular culture" (apparently, then, the children from religious homes aren't the sort who can be trusted to come to their opinion in these matters - whereas you or I might sit down and ask our kids what they think when they see Christina butt-fucking her way around on television, and if they understand why it's inappropriate for little girls to copy her style, apparently in a house where you might expect the children to have been taught how to decide what's appropriate, in fact the kids just can't be trusted to realise the risks of such behaviour so must be protected from even knowing such worlds exist. Religious kids can't be trusted to do the right thing, and must be protected from any form of temptation. "Jesus, you're not going out to the wilderness - if the devil's there, you'll be selling him your soul in a few minutes, never mind no forty days and forty nights. Tell him, Joseph..." . Curious.) Oddly, the Rabbi tells Britney she should smile more and says that she's famous "one step above a porn star" before saying that all that's wrong with his old mucker Michael Jackson is that he's a kind hearted and humble spirit bereft of a normal life. So, a man who pays off little kids to derail legal investigations into allegations of child abuse; a man who has been accused of interfering with kids; a man who cannot see anything wrong with sharing his bed with other people's preteens - he's a friend. But a woman who chooses to wear slightly revealing outfits and consort with consenting adults; she's someone to hate. Righto. Rabbi, it's people like you who make me feel I should shield my daughter from religious culture. And I don't even have a daughter.

IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD A PORSCHE FOR YOUR MIDLIFE CRISIS...: A massive increase in sales reported at the House of Guitars - but it's all middle-aged men. Including Martin Bashir - so maybe his long term plan was to wreck Michael Jackson's career so he could have a clear run at the Top 40...

IRISH EYES NOT SMILING: Figures from IRMA (the Irish record industry consortium) suggest that music sales in the Republic fell 20 per cent by value, but only ten per cent by volume. (Interestingly, Business World.ie makes a Freudian slip and calls IRMA the RIAA during the course of this report.) Of course, this is due to illegal downloading and not because, perhaps, Irish consumers are ordering their music from elsewhere in Europe where it's cheaper. In fact, isn't it a little bit ridiculous to be measuring the Irish market alone when it's part of the Eurozone? Isn't it like giving a read out from the North Carolina market, say?

Meanwhile, back across the Atlantic, there's mounting concern over claims that the RIAA are dressing their staff up as police and pretending to be a law enforcement agency. They also appear to be deciding that anyone selling any records who isn't stood in a shop with a barcode scanner and a department given over to Playstation and XBox games must have pirated records - from the report here, at least. This shouldn't come as a surprise - remember the Industry tried to stop Amazon from selling second hand records, and if they've got a bunch of hired goons out hunting down pirates, it won't hurt any if they try and close off a few legitimate businesses if they're harming the RIAA bottom line, too. We're just wondering how long it'll take for the RIAA to start up its own army.

WANT TO JOIN THE RIAA?: You can buy a not-quite fully functioning record label, as Grand Royal, the Beasie Boy's old outfit, is being auctioned online. When we last checked, nobody had yet made a bid - but since they hold Sean Lennon's masters for a lot of his records, we wonder if his Mam hasn't thought about buying it for him? The lucky winner will also take ownership of several Luscious Jackson masters as well, which makes it seem a little less like an actual pig-in-a-poke.

OLDS NEWS: Rhett Miller and the Old 97s are touring round this month, shaking their new stuff out for an airing before locking themselves up in a studio in New York state to record a new album.

As is the way with all stories involving anyone from the alt rock world, the "link with either Lips or Stripes" box is being ticked; this time because co-producer will be Mark Neil, the man who built the room where Elephant was recorded.

THERE'S INSECURITY, AND THERE'S INSECURITY: Now, while we wouldn't touch Brian McFadden out of the Westlifes if we were wrapped up in three inches of lead, we're a little bit confused as to why he thinks Dean Gaffney is any sort of competition. Brian's wife, the spectacularly dim Kerry Katona, is due for the next series of "I used to be famous, but since quitting Atomic Kitten I've yet to find another employer as forgiving of my complete lack of aptitude for any task at all; in fact ITV2 dumped me because I was making them look bad, and that's a network which is happy to consistently employ Mark Durden-Smith; however, in some vague way I was once a celebrity, get me out of here" alongside the smelly EastEnders bloke and Brian imagines the two of them fucking underneath some tropical tree somewhere. We, of course, are trying very hard to imagine anything but.

EVERYTHING MUST GO: We're not sure if there's any direct correlation between Lauryn Hill's quiet period career-wise and the sudden transformation of her official website into a buy stuff from Lauryn... please ecommerce site, but we're considering making her an offer for her George Foreman grill and the curtains in her bedroom. Well, with the pound against the dollar the way it is at the moment, we'd be getting a bargain, she'd at least be able to have a hot dinner tonight.

RE-SPOTTING THE PINK: Is it just us, or is it extraordinary that Pink hasn't done a headline tour yet? All that changes next month, of course, when she sets out on a National Lampoon's European Vacation stye itinerary:

Feb. 19: Dublin (the Point) 21: Belfast (Odyssey) 23: Brussels (Forest Nationale) 25: Hanover (Arena) 27: Stuttgart (Schleyerhalle) March 2: Frankfurt (Festehalle) 4: Munich (Olympiahalle) 5: Leipzig (Arena) 7: Berlin (Max Schmelling Halle) 10: Oslo (Spectrum) 11: Stockholm (Hovet)13: Hamburg (Colorline Arena) 15: Cologne (Arena) 17: Paris (Bercy)18: Rotterdam (Ahoy) 20: Birmingham (NEC Arena) 21: Nottingham (Arena) 23-24: London (Wembley Arena) 26: Manchester (Evening News Arena) 27: Sheffield (Hallam FM Arena 30: Newcastle (Telewest Arena) 31, April 1: Glasgow (SECC) 4: Vienna (Stadthalle) 5: Budapest (Arena) 7: Munich (Olympiahalle) 8: Nuremberg (Arena) 10: Oberhausen, Germany (Arena)

"The first album, I had a DAT and dancers. The second album, I had a live band and no dancers. This time I have it all. I love theatrics. It's not going to be an $18 million stage, because I still believe in the rawness of just music, but it's going to be awesome." We think this means there will be a man with a guitar stood behind her, and some chicks in rah-rah skirts. But no fireworks.

RE-SPOTTING THE PINK: Is it just us, or is it extraordinary that Pink hasn't done a headline tour yet? All that changes next month, of course, when she sets out on a National Lampoon's European Vacation stye itinerary:

Feb. 19: Dublin (the Point) 21: Belfast (Odyssey) 23: Brussels (Forest Nationale) 25: Hanover (Arena) 27: Stuttgart (Schleyerhalle) March 2: Frankfurt (Festehalle) 4: Munich (Olympiahalle) 5: Leipzig (Arena) 7: Berlin (Max Schmelling Halle) 10: Oslo (Spectrum) 11: Stockholm (Hovet)13: Hamburg (Colorline Arena) 15: Cologne (Arena) 17: Paris (Bercy)18: Rotterdam (Ahoy) 20: Birmingham (NEC Arena) 21: Nottingham (Arena) 23-24: London (Wembley Arena) 26: Manchester (Evening News Arena) 27: Sheffield (Hallam FM Arena 30: Newcastle (Telewest Arena) 31, April 1: Glasgow (SECC) 4: Vienna (Stadthalle) 5: Budapest (Arena) 7: Munich (Olympiahalle) 8: Nuremberg (Arena) 10: Oberhausen, Germany (Arena)

"The first album, I had a DAT [pre-recorded backing tape] and dancers. The second album, I had a live band and no dancers. This time I have it all. I love theatrics. It's not going to be an $18 million stage, because I still believe in the rawness of just music, but it's going to be awesome." We think this means there will be a man with a guitar stood behind her, and some chicks in rah-rah skirts. But no fireworks.

"OUR IDEA IS WE WANTED TO CREATE A FLEETWOOD MAC FOR TODAY: Shadowy, faceless songwriting production string-pullers The Matrix are about to relase their own album, except, of course, being shadowy and faceless they're drafting in two humanites to front up the whole project for them. "The organic life-forms will appear to prevent our robotic true selves from alarming people" said The Matrix, in a voice rather like Voyager's from the Star Trek movie. Okay, they didn't actually, but some of their genuine quotes: "We are going to cut some of the tracks live to keep it more organic", "We're not going to try and be too hip for the room", "melodic songs with a little bit more of an edge" and "what is this emotion 'love' of which you speak?" do sound just as mechanical.

THE SMALLEST WEDDING PARTY: The best, or perhaps saddest, aspect of the Britney Spears wedding weekend is that after the couple had signed their annulment papers, they had a de-wedding reception at the n9ne steakhoues; the guest of honour was Lance Bass. (Or maybe he was serving; the report on MTV wasn't clear.) Bah. Even Amy Studt would be able to bark up a BeeGee and maybe one of Busted for her "the wedding didn't really happen" party.

LEARNING FROM PAST MISTAKES: Back at the start of the computerisation of everything, Apple made a huge tactical error. Rather than licensing its window-icon-mouse-pointer Mac operating system to a range of manufacturers, it kept its technology to itself. Had it shared its OS around, we'd all be using Apples now apart, probably, from a few designers who'd be insisting on the superiority of the Microsoft operating system. Anyway, Steve Jobs isn't about to repeat the errors of history, and so HP are being allowed to sell iPods under their own brand. Far more significantly, they're going to preinstall iTunes into all its consumer PCs and desktops. Very good news for Apple indeed, that from power up anyone with a new HP machine will have access to its music software and, of course, its music shop.

FLASH! AH-HAAA! HE'LL RELEASE EVERY ONE OF US: Latest star-turned record exec is Grandmaster Flash, who's launching his Adrenaline City Entertainment label in a couple of weeks at MIDEM. He's shrewdly not hooking himself up to being a hip-hop label exclusively, either, reckoning he'll release anything. Although he doesn't appear to have signed anyone yet.

MADONNA PICKS CLARK: Madonna has weighed into the 2004 Presidential Election, with an endorsement of Dick, sorry, Wesley Clark for President.

She does seem to feel as if she's just swung the election, mind:

I've never done this before. But life is about taking risks is it not?
I know that people seem to pay attention to everything I do. Big or Small. Ridiculous or Sublime. So I am hoping they pay attention to this:
I am supporting General Wesley Clark for President.

She seems to have confused herself with the Queen, for whom endorsing a politician would be a historic step...

Not only as a "celebrity" but as an American citizen and as a mother. I want my children to grow up with the same opportunities that I had – to know and understand what's going on in the world and to travel that world safely and with pride.
Now I'm asking you to join me.
I am writing to you because the future I wish for my children is at risk.
Our greatest risk is not terrorism and it's not Iraq or the "Axis of Evil." Our greatest risk is a lack of leadership, a lack of honesty and a complete lack of consciousness. Unfortunately our current government cannot see the big picture. They think too small. They suffer from the "what's in it for me?" syndrome. The simple truth is that the current administration has squandered incredible opportunities to bring the world together, to promote peace in regions that have only known war, to encourage health in places that are ravaged with disease, to make us more secure by living up to our principles at home and abroad. The simple truth is that the policies of our current administration do not reflect what is great about America.
Thankfully, there is now a candidate running for President who is committed to ensuring that our country lives up to its promise and its people. He is a decorated soldier and a respected diplomatic leader, who has already given 34 years to his country. He is smart and he is good. He has worked hard to get where he is and he is a national hero.
A perfect example of the American Dream.
I've never aligned myself with a presidential candidate during the primary season. But this time, the stakes are too high, we have too much to lose and there is so much work to be done.
I'm supporting General Wesley Clark in 2004 and have committed to do all that I can to help his campaign in the coming months. I ask you to visit his website today to learn about his candidacy, his vision for our nation and the many ways you can get involved.
I've looked at all the Democratic candidates. I respect them all for their dedication and patriotism. But I'm supporting Wes Clark because in him I see the qualifications, character and vision that we so desperately need.
We are a country with incredible promise. As Americans we enjoy opportunities like no other. Unfortunately we take these opportunities for granted. You may not agree with everything I say or do, but whether you're rich or poor, young or old, black or white, gay or straight, I know you share my concern and recognize the need for change.
Even if you've never been involved with politics before, please consider joining with me. If you can give, give generously. If you can volunteer time, get involved now. And if you can vote, this time…make sure you do.
Wesley Clark has asked for my support and now I'm asking for yours

Madonna
PS: Please spread this message to everyone you know.

So, there you are... Madonna thinks America needs another ex-soldier at its helm; she wants someone who won't be preoccupied with the war on terror, and yet she's endorsing a candidate who believes that the attack on Iraq was "the right call". Although Clark was a critic of Bush's war on Iraq, his concern was not over its ethical dimension or even the very basic policy, but over the plans for the fighting. Clark also believed that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction, and that these were a threat in some vague way to the American people. And to suggest that Clark might be some sort of touchy-feely, heal the world leader is preposterous - the man wrote in The Times (the London one, where, you know, Madonna lives) "The campaign in Iraq illustrates the continuing progress of military technology and tactics, but if there is a single overriding lesson it must be this: American military power, especially when buttressed by Britain's, is virtually unchallengeable today. Take us on? Don't try! And that's not hubris, it's just plain fact.". It's also kind of funny that Madonna calls on gay people to join her at Clark's side: He's not exactly a cheerleader for homosexual equality: when asked about 'don't ask, don't tell', he gets all flustered and won't tell what his opinion is; and, of course, he's equally uncomfortable about the gay marriage question. It's touching that Madonna wants her kids to have the right to understand what's going on in the world; maybe it's time she started to exercise hers.

AMERICA CRACKED. WELL, SCUFFED A LITTLE: BBC News trumpet The Darkness' mighty leap up the US Album charts, rattling from 173 to, erm, the all-important 92 position in just one week. Although, seriously, they've been awarded pacesetter status, which means they've had the biggest percentage increase in sales or something. Darkness - you have permission to enter the lower reaches of the Top 75.

VASTNESS: It's like all the people from the olden days are turning up at once - VAST have announced details of their first [US] release for four years, Nude. Due the end of February, it's the bellweather release for 456 Entertainment, which is Carson Daly's new label. Yes, I know what you're thinking, but Richard Branson is a cunt and he managed to put out some great records in his day. Jon Crosby says he's now a lot less worried about getting everything Super DVD-Audio perfect: "I don't feel like waiting any more. I don't plan to wait three years to release a retail record. I used to be more about perfectionism, quality being better than quantity. In the end I realized I'd rather put out more work. It seems like my favorite artists don't wait too long between records." Yeah, and if there was a danger of Carson Daly turning up while we were in the studio, we'd be keen to crack on and get out of there as soon as possible, too.

I HAVE FORGIVEN MORRISSEY: Morrissey's guitarist, Alan Whyte, reckons New Mozzer disc You Are The Quarry is the best thing he's done. The edge is slightly taken off this by the rider that he means its the best thing Morrissey has done solo, which means there's still quite a gap between what we can expect and the worst Smiths stuff. On the other hand, if we take Mr. White at his word, we can look forward to "a cross between Your Arsenal and Vauxhall and I." Which is like putting Red Rum out to stud with a knackered seaside donkey, we'd have thought, but it should be fun.

This is Morrissey's first record since, oh, around the end of World War II.

EXPLOITING BACK CATALOGUE LIKE AN ALBANIAN PROSTITUTE: The Music Industry has come up with another way of flogging back the same stuff to people all over again ("has latched on to a new market sector") as the Greatest Hits album is reborn as the Number Ones Album. After The Beatles released theirs, and then Elvis did his, now Diana Ross and The Supremes are the latest act to have an album dedicated to their chart toppers, raising the inevitable prospect of a stream of albums from any act which has had more than two number ones in their careers - mmm, can't wait for the Westlife one. Naturally, one wouldn't want to be caught carping at any move which reminds people just how brilliant the Supremes were, and any record which will direct some cash in the direction of the surviving BeeGees and perhaps spare them the indignity of wanking for coins on shows like Fame Academy has to be a positive move. But don't say you weren't warned.

APPLE MAKES RECORD COMPANIES LOOK BAD. AGAIN: Having swept aside all the Major Label's half-decade of prevarication and panic, proving that music downloads can work in a legal context, Apple has now made the Big Five look like pieces of cheese once again. When the music industry were accused of keeping prices artificially higher in the UK than they are in the visa-protected US, the record labels made some lameass statement about "everything costing more in the UK", as if that made supernormal profits somehow alright. However, when people complained about the price differential between the American and British versions of the Mini iPod, Apple said "You're right" and announced an immedeate review. Can it merely be coincidence that everyone loves Apple and hates EMI, Universal, Sony Music...?

FAMILY VALUES: While we suppose if you're going to have a Ramones tribute band, it might as well have a Ramone in it, we can't help but think "Pete Best's Beatles" when we see "Marky Ramone and Friends."

I'M NOT A GUITAR PERSON: Much speculation has been raging about who, exactly, provided the inspiration for Kings of Leon's rubbish ("distinctive") visual image. We can reveal the truth, which is that they've based their image on Tom, Reggie Perrin's well-meaning but irritating son-in-law:

OBSESSIONS AND DELETIONS: The tracklisting for the Suede fan-only farewell album has been announced. And some of the tracks to be included on See You In The Next Life will make grown men drool like a hot dog:

1. 'She' (strings intro)
2. 'Elaine Paige'
3. 'La Puissance'
4. 'Lazy' (demo)
5. 'By The Sea' (acoustic version)
6. 'Indian Strings' (Protocol demo)
7. 'She's In Fashion' (Protocol demo)
8. 'Simon' (demo)
9. 'Beautiful Loser' (Parkgate demo)
10. 'When The Rain Falls' (Stanbridge demo)
11. 'Untitled' (Stanbridge demo)
12. 'Attitude' (Mick Jones remix)

The record will be made available exclusively to members of the Suede fan network, who will then dump a shitload of them onto Ebay within minutes.

WRITING ABOUT MUSIC WRITING IS LIKE, OH, SOMETHING ABOUT DANCING AND BUILDINGS PROBABLY: There's an interesting post over on clap clap blog about music criticism, suggesting that if you write about songwords and nothing about the music itslef, all you're producing is literary criticism. Eppy believes this could be because we don't have a vocabulary to describe pop music, whereas classical music has a much more precise set of terms - your cadences, credenzas and so on. But I'm not totally convinced this totally holds water - a lot of music writers do try to describe the music, but the reason they don't use strict music theory terms to do so isn't because there's a difference between a rock cadence and a classical cadence; more that when you review pop, you're writing for a much less specialised audience for whom the terms are less likely to hold meaning than saying "the guitars are like horses screeching in a thunderstorm."

THE HOME OF THE HITS: In a year crammed with rock anniversaries, the Daily Telegraph gets in early to mark the 50th anniversary of Tin Pan Alley Studios in Denmark Street. Oddly, for a place that witnessed early punk and the Stones when they meant something, space is found to make mention that Hall and Oates once came to see the place and were surprised how basic the place was. Even more oddly, the paper calls it "a rock and roll crocodile" for reasons that aren't entirely clear.

GET OUT... STAY OUT: Good news on the gigs front: Distillers add dates in Glasgow, Birmingham and Leeds while The Vines confirm a single date in London. And "goth-tinged androgyous glam rockers" Placebo have added an extra Brixton date.

SHE LOOKS LIKE A PAINTING... ALTHOUGH NOT MUCH: Stone Roses chap John Squire is getting an exhibition of his Roses cover art at the ICA in London next month, so you can go and look at them, if you want. Or you could peer at a Jackson Pollock postcard through some dirty glasses. The effect would be pretty much the same.

MEL C GOES PROPERLY SOLO: Mel C is going to become Mick Hucknall - not through a series of operations to create a tiny penis, some out-of-date-code red hair dye and a month and a half of beating herself in the face with a large spanner, but through the slightly less painfull process of following the Simply Red new model of releasing her own singles without the need for a record label. This follows her being kicked off the Virgin roster - "after an agreement on all sides that it was 'best to part ways'" (we assume along the lines of Virgin told her to empty her locker, whereupon Mel decided leaving would be a good idea). Apparently she started to write songs before Christmas but has now gone on holidays instead. See, that's the trouble with self-employment: you start with great intentions, but before you know it, it's getting up at half past eleven and stopping work for the day when Countdown comes on.

TAKE YOUR PICK OF AMUSING PUNS ON 'NEEDLE' AND 'TRACKS': Tenille Chaffin, co-owner of No-Slippin Records, sentenced to nearly 12 years in prison for his part in "Western Pennsylvania's largest drugs ring."

ILL-CONSIDERED HEADLINES OF OUR TIME: White And Stollsteimer To Meet At Awards Bash