More and more, it seems like David Gedge was lucky to get punched

It really doesn't bear thinking about: Alex James and Courtney Love were, briefly, the sort of rock power couple you read about in magazines:

"She liked my shirt and gave me her phone number. I thought about it and called her.

"I wondered what booze to take to her house and settled on a magnum of rose champagne. We drank it quickly and straight from the bottle."

At this point in the story, we make our excuses and leave. Leave, to go and scrub our imagination's eyeballs clean.

Bouncers: Who would save us without them?

Blood Red Shoes' Laura-Mary Carter got attacked by a bouncer at her own gig at Manchester's Bar Academy:

"I left the backstage area carrying a bottle of wine to go and watch Pull Tiger Tail.

The next thing I knew a bouncer grabbed my neck from behind and started to drag me out of the venue. When we got to the stairs he tackled me in a Johnny Wilkinson way and I fell and hit my head on the stairs and slashed my arm open.

"Luckily Charlie from the Rumble Strips saw what was going on and jumped to my rescue by pulling the bouncer off me. It was all a bit of a blur, there was blood everywhere from my arm - it was pretty scary. I promised to make Charlie an apple pie for being such a hero. Apparently it was all because the bouncer thought I was underage."

Door staff always bridle when music fans complain about their behaviour - they point out that most of them do an important and difficult job incredibly well. Which is true. Even so, there are still far too many who behave like this. Carter was being asked to leave a venue because the bouncer thought she was underage - so this man (who has, apparently, since been sacked) was attacking someone he believed to be a child. Perhaps it would allow us all a greater degree of confidence in the system if bouncers all wore identifying numbers, so that,like the police, they at least have to cover up with sticky tape any time they want to get themselves out of proportion.

Embed and breakfast man: The Streets meet The Twang

Brighton Beach. It's bloody useless for building sandcastles on, but forms a twinkly backdrop to all sorts of great moments. Neil Kinnock falling into the sea, Bobby Gillespie on the cover of the NME, that sort of thing. And this:



This is the Streets remix of The Twang's Either Way track. They're on the beach.

Er... Kylie... are you sure about this?

It was always slightly cringey when Anastacia started banging on about how it was astonishing that she had a black woman's voice in a white woman's body, especially when the extrapolation was that Anastacia believes all black women sing like she does.

Now Kylie's done the same, only it's worse, as it's arses:

"Look at my butt," she said, according to the Mirror. "I've got a great black girl's butt, kinda like Beyonce and J-Lo. I may be from Australia but I think I must have some blackness in me. You'll never hear me wishing I had a smaller butt. The bigger the better."

She added, "I love having curves - forget these skinny girls. I love feeling feminine and womanly - being curvy in all the right places is part of that."

Oh, good lord - so, all black women have large bottoms, and, we presume, an inherent sense of rhythm?

Ramones kick Doc Martens

Despite Dr Martens attempts to dampen down the damage its awful 'punk icons who might or might not have worn our shoes' campaign has done, there's more trouble brewing for the Chinese shoe manufacturers as The remaining Ramones have issued a statement about the co-opting of Joey to flog the boots he was, erm, famous for not wearing:

"Obviously, we are in the same position as Courtney Love, as well as the Estates of the others depicted [in the ad]," said Mickey Leigh. "We were never consulted about this ad. We were never asked for permission to use Joey's image, or paid for the use of it. As executor of my brother's estate I never would have approved this ad as Joey never wore these shoes. And, not that my brother was terribly religious, but the fact that he was Jewish, and this ad is not exactly Kosher, makes it that much more inappropriate, inconsiderate and contemptible."

The shoe company has yet to explain why an advert which was enough for it to fire its ad agency was approved - even if "only" for Fact magazine - by the company in the first place.

Still, they should be pleased that they've managed to find common ground on which The Ramones and Courtney Love can agree.

And here's an example of how the record labels invest their money

One and a half million pounds chucked into the bucket to sign up Victoria Hart, then, most of which has presumably already been pissed away on the marketing stunt of getting her to sing at some Cannes party or other. By a really strange coincidence, though, Hart doesn't sign her contract until today and yet, erm, there's a single ready to release. At least the PR company haven't totally insulted our intelligence by pretending that George Clooney found her humming in a kitchen and asked her to sing at the party, but it's hoping that nobody thinks to closely about how an "unsigned" singer turns up in a eight hundred quid dress to sing for the Hollywoodite massive.

CD-ow: Massive fine for trying to save us money

CD-Wow, the online retailer, has been hit with a £41million fine for selling CDs sourced in Hong Kong, a breaking of an undertaking it made in 2004.

The cash will go to the BPI, effectively meaning that record companies are being rewarded for ripping off people by enforcing artificially high CD prices in the UK. It'll help offset falling CD sales, which are falling, in part, because people are tired of being asked to pay ridiculous sums of money for pieces of plastic that are sold cheaper elsewhere in the world.

Not, of course, that that's how the BPI sees it:

"CD-Wow is no consumer champion," countered the BPI's chief executive, Geoff Taylor, who said the company had undermined "the legitimate businesses of UK retailers and record companies".

"The vibrancy of British music depends on a fair return on the investments that allow British talent to shine.

"This decision is an important step in ensuring that British music has a bright future."

Yes. How was that again, sorry? Is the implication that British artist's music is sold at a loss in Hong Kong? But that can't be the case, can it? These are legal recordings, and money from a CD goes back to the labels whether the CD is wholesaled in Hong Kong for eventual sale in Leytonstone or Wan Chai.

If the UK record labels have cut poor deals which mean they're not getting a fair return for their investment when tracks are sold abroad, that's hardly the fault of the UK consumer - and why should the UK consumer be forced to pay over the odds to compensate their losses?

If the UK record labels have cut good deals which mean they are getting a fair return on their investment when tracks are sold abroad, there's no problem anyway.

And the consumer could ask "why am I being forced to pay more to cover bad investment decisions by companies?" The BPI often runs out its justification for charging high prices in the UK as saying that it needs to cover the costs of its flops, but why should someone have to pay an extra two quid to buy a record by a band they like because some idiot in an office somewhere decided to pour their company's money into an absolute turkey?

Why don't they ask consumers if that's the way they think it should be? Perhaps they could offer, say, purchasers of a Jackson Browne album the chance to pay a couple of extra quid in order to offset the losses on the Paris Hilton album. If the record labels are convinced that their way of doing things works in the consumer interest, why not put that to test?

Too soon, George

He really has done it. What last month was a slightly tasteless joke, watching the coverage of the Virginia Tech murders and thinking "wonder if George Michael will take the Lennon piano of peace there, then?" has now become reality. A community struggling to cope with still-raw grief and loss is having to make room for the insulting piano photo-op.

He hasn't actually started forcing the bereaved to gather round the piano to sing Imagine, but it's probably only a matter of time.

Hello?

The 3AM Girls should be on their guard, as they have an in-house rival for "making lame puns based on songtitles". Louisa Pilbeam presumably brightened her Bank Holiday by turning to the R section of the Guiness Hit Singles when the news broke that Wayne Rooney went to see Lionel Richie:

He and Coleen McLoughlin, both 21, weren't born when the crooner, 57, had hits like Three Times A Lady. But they danced All Night Long at the Manchester gig. Wayne's famous for smashing old records. Looks like he's been buying some too.

And the headline?

THROO TIMES A LADY

Because, erm, Wayne's nickname is Throo. Oh, no it isn't, is it? But he went dressed up as a lady. No, he didn't do that, either.

Rejoice! Rejoice!

We remember Kevin Costner - he once appeared on the cover of the Mail On Sunday's You magazine with his shirt open, rubbing his breast and looking slightly odd. Apparently, he's had a "long-running feud" with Madonna. But, you'll be pleased to hear, it's over.

Rejoice! Rejoice!

Newton has all the facts:

They fell out when Madge poked fun at movie mogul Kev in her 1991 documentary Truth Or Dare — sticking a finger down her throat after she was filmed meeting him.

Erm... she mimed that, surely, rather than actually, literally, sticking her finger down her throat.

But now they’ve made up in style.
Kevin says: “[...] I took my daughters to see her. I didn’t call anyone for tickets, I just got the tickets and we went down. About the third song in, the lights were down and she said, ‘I want to apologise to Kevin Costner’.

“Ninety eight per cent of that audience didn’t know what that was about. But I respected it.”

98% of the audience probably didn't know what a Kevin Costner was, mate. They probably thought that Madonna was apologising to a coffee shop chain.

So, when did this actually happen?

"About three or four years ago"

So, Victoria, when you say "they've now made up in style", you're stretching "now" to mean 2003?

I hope they weren't holding the front page all that time.

Lily Allen adopts act for American market

Last time she went to the US, it all ended in tears, but this time, Keith Allen's daughter is making an effort. She knows that childish spats with Cheryl Tweedy mean nothing in Boise, so she's trying to start something with Lindsay Lohan instead:

“We went to this club called Les Deux and that was really fun until Lindsay Lohan arrived and had us thrown off our table.

“I know she’s a huge star and all and famous people deserve to sit down especially when they’ve been working so hard, but whatevs.

“Lindsay, our thoughts are with you as you go through this difficult time in your life (she got arrested this weekend). In the words of Timbaland and Timberlake, ‘What goes aroun . . . ”

Fate issued a statement at 6.30am this morning, British time, confirming that, yes, it did arrange the arrest of Lohan as a counterbalance for her taking Lily Allen's table in a nightclub. "It seemed the only way to rebalance the universe" explained Fate, "after all, can you imagine how galling it must be going to some celebrity-stained nightclub only to discover you're trumped as soon as someone people in America have heard of turns up?"

Pete Doherty DJ set (not a source of Pete Doherty)

We were starting to get a little worried - Pete Doherty's legendary inability to keep a date was starting to let him down. So, it's with relief that we hear he bollocksed up and didn't turn up for his Gatecrasher DJ set at the weekend:

Fans paid £40 each to see troubled BABYSHAMBLES singer Doherty, 28, spin his tunes.

That's what it said on the poster, we bet - "see troubled Babyshambles singer spin his tunes."

Anyway, he didn't show up, and to add insult to injury, they got Preston out of the Celebrity Big Brother before last to step in. Surely if you expect Kate Moss' boyfriend and end up with the bloke married to Chantelle instead, there's an argument for a refund?

Eh?

We've tried to understand the headline on the non-story on Newton's coverage of Kylie's birthday:

Kylie's 39 with her No1 Dannii

The best we can imagine is that "Dannii" is meant to sound like "fan" and "39" is meant to sound like "fine", and that all of the paper's subeditors have basically given up.

Still, it was nice of Victoria to think of Kylie:

The Sun came out for the Aussie beauty as we delivered a birthday cake, complete with candles, to her plush flat in Chelsea, West London.

How sweet. And not, we're sure, a pathetic attempt to try and get Minogue to come to the front door long enough for a long-lens shot or anything.

Only one thing was missing on her big day — a man.

Oh, for god's sake, Newton, she only broke up with Olivier Martinez three months ago; perhaps she was quite happy having a birthday without some clod-hopping bloke hanging about. Are you really suggesting that a person not in a relationship is, by definition, somehow missing something?

Here she comes again...

You might remember Velocity Girl - the band, rather than the Primal Scream track - and their singer Sarah Shannon. They were SubPop's next big thing after Nirvana, although not, obviously, quite as big; following their split, Shannon released a debut album in 2002 and then... well, it went quiet.

Until now, as - following a period of domesticity and love and marriage and families - she's back. There's a US tour set up, a new album, City Morning Song, and a sample mp3 for download, testing, try-out purposes: Download from here.

The Tour dates in full:
6/26- The Black Cat – Washington, DC
6/27- The Khyber- Philadelphia, PA
6/28- Joe’s Pub- NYC
6/29- Maxwell’s- Hoboken, NJ
6/30- Union Hall- Brooklyn, NY
7/02- The Club Café- Pittsburg, PA
7/03- Schuba’s- Chicago, IL

The press release for her new album strongly denies that domestication is the enemy of creativity:

I fell in love, got married, bought a house and started a family. I know it sounds very domestic and mundane but to me it feels very rich and that perspective informed these new songs.”

Could Nas be hiding from all of Croatia?

Ten days ago, Nerys Hucker emailed us in response to the story about Nas insisting on a police escort through the mean streets of Birmingham. And, erm, we put the email into a pile of things to respond to and forgot.

However, belatedly, we can bring you Nerys' theory: Seeing as Nas pulled out of going to Croatia, because it was too dangerous, could he be afraid of bumping into Balkans?

On the other hand, a man who thinks Croatia is too dangerous might be nervous about going to Birmingham for its own sake. After all, it's the only city in England to have shut itself down for the night because of fear of... erm, something or other.

Something to not bother listening to: Satellite Party

Over on their MySpace page, you can currently stream all of Satellite Party's debut album. We imagine Perry Farrell is very relaxed about making this available online as, frankly, it's not really worth audiocapturing. We think Done Waiting pretty much hits it on the nail:

I understand the creative urge to keep producing new product, but like Harrison Ford's film career, I feel like each project Perry does tarnishes his earlier work which was nothing short of amazing.

Tyler walks. Possibly.

According to someone who says Liv Tyler told them, Steven Tyler doesn't feel Aerosmith give him nuff spect and is going to quit.

On the other hand, according to Liv Tyler's spokesteam, she's said nothing of the sort, and he isn't going to quit.

Vicious is innocent - again

Every so often, there's a small flurry of "proof" that Sid Vicious didn't murder Nancy Spungen. Steve Dior, who was in the Idols with Vicious, is trying to clear Sid's name. It was the drug dealer wot done it:

"Sid didn't kill Nancy, I know that for a fact. I know who did it. He was a drug dealer from New Jersey who robbed the flat where Nancy was stabbed. Why would Sid rob himself?

"This guy's fingerprints were on the knife but New York Police didn't want to get into it. It was a case closed if they pinned it on Sid, they didn't care if Sid Vicious went to prison. I'm trying to tell more people about it."

It's, admittedly, plausible, although "it was the drug dealer" seems to be as simple and pat an explanation as "it was the drug-addled punk". Why would Sid rob himself? Perhaps to pay for drugs? It's not like he was exactly a clear-headed young man. The truth isn't ever going to be known, but a small cottage industry is thriving on the strip of doubt.

First Mancunian on the Moon

We were thrilled to hear that Liam Gallagher had paid for Noel to be blasted into space as a 40th birthday treat. Then we discovered it's that probably-won't-happen Virgin Galactic affair, and that it's not a one-way trip.

Danny Hunt embraces Microsoft

It's funny, you know, but we seem to recall Ladytron's Danny Hunt as being a passionate fan of Apple products. Which makes it something of surprise to discover that the Ladytron's US tour is pushing the unlovely Zune on an unsuspecting public.

Still, you can see this unlikely pairing of commerce and art at these venues:

5/24 - NYC - Hiro Ballroom
5/25 - Vancouver, BC
5/26 - Los Angeles, CA - Memorial Colliseum & Avalon Hollywood
5/27 - San Francisco, CA - Rickshaw Shop
5/28 - Dallas, TX - House of Blues

We suggest wearing a tshirt with the face of Steve Jobs on it, mind.

My word is my Bonde...

Heavily supported by Marc Riley's 6Music show, Bonde Do Role are hawking their released-next-Monday With Lasers album with an extensive worldish tour:

May 28th Newcastle, England Orange Evolution Festival
May 30th Dublin, Ireland Crawdaddy
May 31st London, England Corsica (with Diplo)
June 1st Barcelona, Spain Primavera Festival
June 3rd Montreal, Quebec La Tulipe (with CSS)
June 4th Toronto, Ontario Horseshoe Tavern (with CSS)
June 6th Vancouver, British Columbia Richard's On Richards (with CSS)
June 7th Seattle, Washington Neumo's (with CSS)
June 8th Portland, Oregon Doug Fir (with CSS)
June 9th San Francisco, California Mezzanine (with CSS)
June 10th Los Angeles, California Henry Fonda Theatre (with CSS)
June 15th Hultsfred, Sweden Hultsfred, Sweden
June 23rd Glastonbury, England Glastonbury Festival
July 6th Amsterdam, Holland 5 Days Off Festival
July 7th Roskilde, Denmark Roskilde Festival
July 18th London, England Lovebox
July 22nd Glasgow, Scotland Trochabrahma
July 28th London, England Trochabrahma
July 29th Liverpool, England Trochabrahma
August 3rd Lisbon, Portugal Sudoeste Festival
August 8th Oslo, Norway Oya Festival
August 11th Tokyo, Japan Summer Sonic Festival
August 12th Osaka, Japan Summer Sonic Festival
August 16th Hasslet, Belgium Pukkelpop Festival
August 25th Cardiff, Wales Get Loaded
August 26th London, England Get Loaded
September 1st Dublin, Ireland Electronic Picnic
September 7th Isle Of Wight, England Bestival
September 8th Isle Of Wight, England Bestival
September 20th Reykjavic, Iceland Airwaves Festival

You can sample them through the Office Boy ecard featuring remixes and videos and stuff.

Somethings to listen to: Blacktop Mourning & Suzanne Vega

That Blacktop Mourning have become the first band signed to Counting Crows' Adam Durwitz's Tyrannosaurus Records doesn't exactly inspire hope. He found them on MySpace, too, which would make you think that he spent about ten minutes seeking them out. However, on the evidence of the song made as a free introduction, Halfway To Midnight, they might prove to have more about them than their birth would suggest. [Real link]

Meanwhile, you don't need us to tell you who Suzanne Vega is - we've always had a soft spot for her since we saw her for the first time, doing Marlene On The Wall, after flicking over to Whistle Test at the end of Emmerdale Farm one evening. (Look, we'd have watched the programme from the beginning, but it wasn't our choice, okay.) All of which is to lead into Frank And Ava, from her new album. She's also due to do a session on the new Radcliffe and Maconie show round about now. [Real link]

Rosie and Rio

This is Danielle Techhomsy, who - as mainstay and most of Rio En Medio - will be touring the UK with CocoRosie next month. Her MySpace can show you what to expect.

The dates:
12th June - Brighton Komedia
13th - Nottingham Trent University
14th - Bristol Anson Rooms
15th - Glasgow The Arches
16th - Manchester Academy 2
17th - Bloomsbury Ballroom

Kissaway announce trail

More tour dates - although they are mainly festival based and, thus, probably only of interest if you're going to the fests anyway. These are the Kissaway Trail's current summer plans:

14 June Wireless Festival London
15 Wireless Festival Leeds
16 Luminaire (Clash Magazine party) London
11 July Royal Festival Hall London (Bella Union 10th Anniversary Show)
13 Latitude Festival
7 September Bestival (Rock’n’Roll tent)

Pony up

We're flittering through our inbox picking out items sent to us of interest, in case you couldn't tell. The Ponys, for example, whose PR team have been in touch to tell us they'll be playing the Water Rats, London on June 7th. Which is Thursday week.

Watch him, Breed

Simon Breed, who basks in our wholehearted, over-excited endorsement, is doing some UK dates:

31st May: Manchester, Waldorf
1st June: Newcastle, Dog & Parrot
3rd June: Glasgow, RanchoRelaxo, Bar Brel

RanchoRelaxo?

What are you trying to say?

We're sure the Daily Record's Razz column doesn't actually mean what it seems to be implying here... does it?:

KASABIAN had extra security at the venue and the band stayed in their dressing room before playing.

Organisers even took their name off the door to confuse over-enthusiastic groupies.

But frontman Tom Meighan was spotted chatting to Echo and the Bunnymen's Ian McCulloch.

That "but" seems to suggest that Mac was an over-enthusiastic groupie, doesn't it?

We love the idea that Kasabian fans are so easily confused not having a big sign saying "Kasabian in here" is enough to throw them off the scent, mind.

Mind out, it's the Buzzcocks

I learned a very long time ago - watching Southern Television's Houseparty, in fact - that you should be leery of meeting your heroes as they seldom live up to your expectations.

Of course, the cookery expert who imparted this advice didn't suggest that you'd wind up having a fight with them, but that happens, too. Paddingtons drummer Grant Dobbs met Pete Shelley at the Skye Music Festival and was shattered when Shelley revealed the main motivation these days for the Buzzcocks is the Greenbacks:

"I can't believe it. Pete Shelley and I had a set-to in the hotel. I wanted to talk about music being his biggest passion, but all he could talk about was making more zeros on his bank account.

"It wasn't what I expected from a legendary punk rocker who is meant to be anti-establishment. I was upset and started to argue with him about it, challenging him in the bar, and asking at what point he sold out.

"I couldn't believe it and things got a bit heated. We ended up having to be separated by other people in our bands.

"Actually Steve Diggle, The Buzzcocks guitarist, came over and told me not to bother with him."

Presumably Diggle said to leave it, he wasn't worth it. Unless they could arrange a pay-per-view revenue stream for the fight.

There's 50p... you can get a load of chips with that

Michael Jackson has apparently sent out for cod and chips from a Melton Mowbray chippie after tiring of the food (presumably "good, old-fashioned northern grub") on offer at the Azim of Brunei's wasteful ("lavish") 25th birthday party. It did him no good, as he apparently wound up sick as a dog through too many refreshing harmless fizzy drinks.

Gallagher at 40

More from this morning's Victoria Newton column. Apparently, Noel Gallagher has already had his 40th birthday party:

NOEL GALLAGHER marked his birthday with a good old-fashioned northern knees-up.

And whereabouts in Manchester did this old-fashioned knees-up take place?

Erm, Sloane Square:

The OASIS star, who turns 40 tomorrow, invited pals and family to posh club Kitts at London’s Sloane Square on Saturday.

As if that doesn't stretch the concept of a "good old-fashioned northern knees-up" far enough, the place is hardly a room above a pub on the corner:

Open from 10 p.m. ’til late, Kitts offers exotic cocktails like the chocolatey Hans Sloane and the fruity Colonial Breeze. Bar snacks are chips with caviar, Cajun chicken or foie gras croque monsieur.

Betty Turpin, it's fair to say, doesn't do the catering.