Those Eurovision entries in full

As anonymous points out below, the shortlist of entries for this year's Song For EuropeMaking Your Mind Up has been announced today - quashing, at least, this morning's stories about the possibility of Ziggy and/or Chanelle having a crack.

Although they don't sound so bad now. First out the traps, Fresh (Or is it Fly?) from Fresh N Fly:

Michelle Gayle - Woo (U Got Me)
Michelle Gayle is probably best known for her role as Hattie Tavernier in EastEnders which helped launch her successful assault onto the British charts in the Nineties. Michelle has had a string of Top Ten UK hits including Sweetness, Do You Know and Things Are Looking Up.

Michelle's song, Woo (you got me) is pop in essence, but she says it has very cool Sixties vibe to it. According to Michelle, the song is about a couple who are from different countries, so have a language barrier – they are literally lost in translation.

So, someone who loved singing so much, she became an actress. We're not sure anyone who thinks that "a cool sixties vibe" is different from being "pop" really should be entering a singing contest. And 'Woo You Got Me' - it hardly suggests the couple are going to have too many in the way of problems translating that.

It does put us in mind of an old joke, though. Bloke comes back from holiday, and his mate asks him how it was. "Oh, brilliant. I met a wonderful Swedish girl." His mate is surprised, not knowing he spoke any Swedish. "I don't, and she didn't speak any English, but she came up to me and drew a picture of a glass. So I realised she wanted to go for a drink with me. Then later, she drew a picture of a knife and fork - because she wanted to have a meal with me. After that, she drew a picture of a bed. How she knew I was a carpenter, I'll never know..."

Andy Abraham - Even If

Former X Factor finalist Andy is currently writing his third album after winning over the nation with his soulful sound.

His Eurovision entry, Even If, is a funky ballad about a man who has found genuine love and wants to show his commitment. Andy believes his song is catchy, memorable and cool enough to be a winner.

Obviously, Abraham hasn't been that effective at winning the nation over if he didn't win the X Factor and has managed to release a follow-up album without anyone much noticing. A funky ballad, eh? Isn't that slightly contradictory?

LoveShy - Mr Gorgeous

Twenty-two-year-old Aimee Kearsley and 24-year-old Emma Beard are the lively popstrels that make up LoveShy. With five years experience in the business as part of girl band Clea, they think a loud and catchy song is the way to win Eurovision.

Their entry, Mr Gorgeous, is a stylish pop song about meeting the perfect guy and wanting to spend all your time with him. LoveShy say that Mr Gorgeous is less of a love song and more of a lust song!

Clea? Another bloody Cowell-related act, then. Shouldn't there be a rule that we won't send a band to Europe if they've already failed in a public vote? Clea's "experience" amounts to having managed ten weeks on the singles chart with five singles, one of which never made it; they never cracked the top 20. Hardly suggests that they can find the public g-spot over a three-minute dash. And the whole concept of the track sounds like a diet Coke advert.

The Revelations - It's You

The Revelations consists of Annika Magnberg, 24, Louise Masters, 24, and Sarah Vitorino, 22. Their classic soulful pop music is influenced by Sixties girl groups such as The Supremes, along with more contemporary influences like the Scissor Sisters.

The Revelations' song, It's You, is an upbeat and original modern motown song celebrating love and how good it feels. The girls think It's You has all the right ingredients of a winning some because it's a good tune with fantastic harmonies.

We're throwing our weight behind this bunch - they're like a proper band and everything, off Fierce Panda records, and formed via an ad in the NME. Which is reason enough to support them. If the track's any good, we might make a banner.

They won't win, of course.

Rob McVeigh - I Owe It All To You

Twenty-four-year-old Rob hit our screens last year as one of the final 12 Josephs in Any Dream Will Do. "Rob the Builder", as he became known, had no idea a year ago that he was about to be launched into a full-time career as a singer – let alone be up for representing the UK in Eurovision.

Rob's song, I Owe It All to You is a big ballad that Rob hopes will show his vulnerable side by being in such contrast to the rock songs he sang in Any Dream Will Do. Rob thinks that recent entries have lacked passion – something his has plenty of, for the song, his country and his love of performing.

Aaaand we're back to the also-rans in karaoke contests. We don't remember which one was Rob - despite the attempt to suggest he might have had a personality.

Simona Armstrong - Changes

Born and raised in Romania, Simona Armstrong was one of Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's final ten from the hit BBC One series How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? Sadly Simona didn't make it as Maria, but she is delighted to be taking part in Eurovision where the competition is taken very seriously in her native homeland.

Simona's song Changes she feels has a universal appeal as it's about keeping positive and adapting to the challenges and changes of every day life. She hopes that if she makes it through to the competition in Belgrade this year that Romania will give the UK douze points!

Good lord - one Eastender, two Lloyd-Webbers, two Cowells and a proper band. We don't remember which one Simona was on Maria, either, but if she turns her back on us and we all join in So Long, Farewell, we might remember.

So: hope for the best, but prepare for the very, very worst.

Alright, at least there's no Paul Medford.

Perhaps slightly over-sensitive

As if the nation hasn't gone insane enough, hastily rewriting soap storylines because they have the word "child" in them and that could be so upsetting what with Madeline McCann still missing, now it turns out that a sequence of the Josephs-in-waiting singing Close Every Door To Me in The Clink (an ancient prison museum near London Bridge) was dropped from Any Dream Will Do because of Alan Johnston. Who would even make the connection, never mind being upset?

Come to that, we're still lost as to why Hanif Kureishi's short story about executions in Iraq was 'inappropriate' in the sixth week of Johnston's captivity but fine in the eleventh. The trouble with this sort of decision is that while it attempts to show sensitivity and that a serious matter is being treated seriously, over-reacting about soap opera plots and musical theatre ultimately trivialises the subject.

I think that's a given, Louis

Louis Walsh has insisted that he'll never work with Simon 'I was talking about something else' Cowell again:

“I’ll never work with him again.”

See? Told you.

Walsh has refused to manage the winner of this year's X Factor - which is probably wise, seeing how the other winners have disappeared faster than an all you can eat buffet at a WeightWatchers party - and will instead concentrate on Joseph:

“I will not be managing X Factor’s winning act, I will manage the winning Joseph instead.

“I’ll be working with Andrew Lloyd Webber — a true music legend — Universal, the best record label and BBC1, the best channel.”

Louis, what are you, five years old? "Andrew Lloyd Webber has the best car, it's got red paint and the best radio and the best sweets and the BBC has the best canteen with the best drinks..."

And "managing Joseph", eh? That's going to be a tricky one, seeing as how the prize in the competition is an open-ended contract to be in a West End Musical. Not exactly going to call for very much in the way of managerial skills that one, is it?

X-aggerated response

Sharon Osbourne has ridden to the defence of dumped co-stars Louis Walsh and the useless Kate Thornton, accusing Simon Cowell of cowardice when it came to their sacking:

"After knowing Louis for over 20 years, Simon should have had the guts to tell him to his face that he was going to get fired.

"I was completely shocked. It was a harsh and unfair thing to do. The very least he could have done is to have told Louis and Kate rather than pretend it was all down to the producers."

You might note that Sharon is not so outraged as to resign in sympathy or anything like that.

"Simon was with Louis at least three days before this happened and he didn't say a word.

"And Kate has been publicly humiliated. Simon should have been up front and told her he didn't think things were working. At least she could then have gone with dignity and her head held high."

Well... having seen her presenting skills, expecting Kate to leave with "dignity" might be stretching it a bit.

Meanwhile, Walsh is preparing to discover that revenge is a dish best eaten while making childish "nerr-nerr" noises, as he prepares to take a job on Any Dream Will Do. ADWD is the follow-up to How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria, which will seek to find a Joseph for a forthcoming Technicolor Dreamcoat run in the West End; it's going to go head-to-head with Cowell's rip-off version based on Grease.