Darkness at 3AM

The Mirror has been very excited about this morning's relaunch of the 3AM Column, headed up by Danielle Lawler, who had lasted about a week in Gordon Smart's 'cabinet' over at The Sun and Clemmie Moodie (whose name sounds like an exercise set by a speech therapist). It was trailed as a first taste of what the new, modern, redesigned Mirror is going to feel like, but it doesn't (online at least) have very much of a different feel. And the content? As far as you can judge, it's same old same old.

Although it is difficult to tell for sure, as today's column is all about the new 3AM girls, making the same mistake Gordon did when he took over: assuming readers give half a honk about the people who filter this stuff.

So, we discover that Danielle's first album was Kick by INXS:

Kick by INXS. At least it wasn't Jason Donovan!

while Clementine Tangerine's was, inevitably, Jason Donovan.

Naturally, a bunch of PR staff have ghostwritten welcome messages from their charges - but even then, it's quite a poor selection: Kelly Osbourne, Leon Jackson, Leona Lewis, Ant and Dec and Simon Cowell. Even if you can get over the wonder that all the well-wishes have come from people connected with Cowell's Saturday night talent shows, you'd have to say that this is a bit weak. No Madonna, not even a Daniel Craig? Instead, they're relaunching with warm words from Leon Jackson, a man who couldn't even remember his own name if 'who won the X Factor in 2007' came up on the pub quiz machine.

Even the wicked whispers are about them:

Which showbiz columnist kissed a very un-single Hollywood actor in a trendy Portuguese nightclub? The love-rat didn't say he was taken...

Unless that was Gordon. It couldn't have been Gordon, could it?