Rihanna: Have I mentioned S&M recently?

The Daily Mail better brace itself, as just a few days after the paper ran an article slagging off pop music in general and Vogue in particular for focusing on Rihanna's S&M-tinged period, a so-called family publication is bringing it all up again:

'I like to be tied up and spanked': How Rihanna's song S&M isn't just for show
[...]She is constantly pushing boundaries with her raunchy dance moves, sexually-charged lyrics and racy costumes.

And it turns out, Rihanna's risqué antics aren't just for show.

The singer has told how she is 'a bit masochistic' in the bedroom in a revealing new interview.
[...]
She adds: 'Using whips and chains is too planned... you have to stop and look for the whip. I prefer them to use their hands.'

'I like to take the reins in my life, but I enjoy being submissive in the bedroom. In there I can be a little lady and have a male who has responsibility for the situation. That's sexy."

And what is this publication that risks outraging the Mail by running long extracts of an interview in which Rihanna talks about sex?

Erm, inevtiably, it's the Daily Mail.

The interview itself - along with the sort of photo the paper criticised Vogue for running last week - is lifted from Rolling Stone.

You'd think that Rolling Stone would know better than to give her more space to talk about oh-so-shocking sexual stuff like it was true. What S&M fan would have to "find" their stuff?

Gordon in the morning: Didn't you do this yesterday?

Having spent yesterday slobbering - I think it was slobber - over Girls Aloud wearing PVC and leather in photos, today Gordon moves on and slobbers over Girls Aloud wearing PVC and leather in a video:

In it, CHERYL COLE, KIMBERLEY WALSH, SARAH HARDING, NADINE COYLE and NICOLA ROBERTS feature as S&M aliens, hurtling towards earth in their own meteorites.

Erm, no they're not. If they've made it to the Earth's atmosphere, they're in meteors; if they haven't, they're in comets. They'd only be in a meteorite if they'd stopped hurtling and had hit the surface.

They also don't look very S&M to me, either. Putting on some rubber knickers doesn't automatically make you into S&M; not only is Gordon confusing his space rocks, he seems to be having trouble with the difference between domination and fetish wear.

Still, Gordon isn't a science writer and there's no reason to assume he'd know about sex, but he does know about entertainment, right? So his coverage of Mel B investing in a French cinema channel to be carried on his master's satellite service will be spot-on, right?

Gallic cinema not being my forte...

Oh.

I got my art whizzes to come up with a prime example.

Aha. An amusing mock-up. You're not just going to cut out a picture of Mel B and stick in a still from a French movie, are you?

So here’s what Mel would look like in Sixties flick Belle De Jour alongside stars such as smoking hot CATHERINE DENEUVE.

Oh.

Hang about, though, Gordon - how about telling your readers a little about the film?

BILLIE PIPER’s hit TV series Secret Diary Of A Call Girl was loosely based on the classic flick, about a housewife who becomes a hooker.

Well, if by "loosely" you mean 'was based on a blog written by someone who used the film's name as nomme de plume', I suppose that's true. Although it might be stretching the concept of "based" somewhat.