Let's all think about Rod Stewart having sex

It's too late now. The thought is there.

Apparently, Penny Lancaster's been talking about how Rod does it:

The 'Do Ya Think I'm Sexy' rocker may be 68, but he's still got the right moves in bed to please his wife, Penny Lancaster, 42.

Yeah, ContactMusic quoting National Enquirer. Your cock doesn't fall over when you reach 57. Who knew?

Penny reportedly told a friend: ''Rod's voracious! I knew he was a ladies man, but he usually tires me out!''

Nobody has ever said anything like that to a friend ever. That's not how people talk about fucking when they're with their mates. And nobody, outside of letters to porn magazines which were made up anyway, talks like that, ever, at any time.

The source said: ''Rod wrote a song about Penny called 'She Makes Me Happy' and two or three times a month he'll have the nanny watch the boys so he can whisk her off for a romantic night out. Sometimes they'll just take a walk on the beach, but other times he'll treat her to a lovely dinner followed by a night of passion in a hotel.''

Once every ten-to-fifteen days isn't really voracious, is it? Also, at their age, having a slap-up dinner followed by slap-and-tickle is just going to end up with a fumbling for the Pepcid.

The source added reformed ladies' man Rod - who has eight kids with five women - can't believe his luck and would never even think of cheating on his beautiful wife.

Hang about, though; this is meant to be Penny's mate, isn't it? Did Penny really say "Rod would never dream of cheating on his beautiful wife i.e. me?"

Rod Stewart announces plans to ruin Christmas

It might only be June, but already people in the music industry are working hard on plans to spoil Christmas.

In the list of 'things the world really doesn't need', how high is the idea of a Rod Stewart Christmas album? Seriously, there's no way that idea could be any worse.

The festive record will apparently include several all-star duets, including a collaboration with crooner Michael Buble.

I stand corrected.

Rich man slightly inconvenienced by world events

Let's not lose sight of the real issue at the heart of this twat trying to let indoor fireworks off on a plane above Detroit: it caused a slight delay for Rod Stewart in his travel plans.

Faces reunion: They come up with a way to make it worse

Ah, The Faces - back together again. That sounds like a bad idea. Without Rod Stewart? Blimey, that's quite risky.

Is there anything else you need to tell me about this, though?

Well?

Oh:

Former SIMPLY RED star MICK HUCKNALL is the frontrunner to replace ROD STEWART in reunited rock supergroup THE FACES

Good lord.

Apparently the band are worried that if they don't do it soon, one of them is going to die, and it would make a Faces reunion impossible.

So, let's get this straight: they're quite comfortable about not having Rod Stewart on board, and parachuting the muscial equivalent of Ben Elton into the front of the stage, because that's still 'the real thing', somehow, but if Ian McLagan, say, goes, it'll be too late?

Gordon in the morning: It's about the Michael Jacksons

With the world, or at least the very small section of it interested in Michael Jackson, busy swearing at Ticketmaster, Gordon brings news of the plans:

MICHAEL JACKSON’s London comeback is going ahead with a little help from rock Lord ROD STEWART.

The FACES frontman is renting Jacko his swish Essex mansion as the weird one stages his ten-show residency at The O2 in July.

And the headline for this 'man rents house' story?

Don't stop 'til you get Rod's gaff

- which sounds like a Jackson song. Until you get to the word "get", when it stops sounding like a Jackson song.

There are plans in hand to make the event something of a spectacle, too:

[AEG boss] Phillips said: “He wants to use some technical effects that have never been seen before.”

First U2, now Jackson - what is this obsession with often-disappointing ideas about "things people have never seen before"? If you're meant to be a music legend, isn't the appearance of you, singing your songs, meant to be spectacle enough?

So, what has Michael got in mind, then, that nobody has ever seen before?

He is planning to emulate illusionist DAVID BLAINE and FLOAT over the stage.

Oh, yes. Flying on stage. That's not been done before, has it?

Meanwhile, Gordon makes sure his byline appears prominently on the story about Geri Halliwell splitting from whoever it was Geri Halliwell was most recently going out with:

2 become 1 in love split

Wow. Not being able to understand Spice Girls song titles is quite a surprising lack of grasp on comprehension.

The Daily Mail has confused us

The Mail has some condescending fun with photos of Rod Stewart kissing a woman in the street:

Do ya think I'm sexy, Rod? Rocker Stewart kisses OAP fan in the street

Rod Stewart proved he still got what it takes to make a lady swoon - even if it is an OAP.

The rocker left one senior fan reeling yesterday after he planted a kiss on her lips as he left a Starbucks cafe in Bel Air.

The bespectacled woman was the envy of the street after the ever-charming 64-year-old weaved his magic.

Stewart was out with his 21-year-old daughter Ruby, who was left rather amused by her father's lady-killing antics.

So his daughter had a bit of a chortle at the thought of Rod kissing a (not actually that much older) lady, right? All good, clean, innocent fun.

Apart from the woman being thrust into the Mail simply because she happened to be kissed by Stewart, with no indication any attempt was made to ask if she minded being publicly made the butt of a Mail piece snickering at the idea of - heavens - someone kissing an older woman.

Now, maybe I'm getting confused, but when Jonathan Ross made a joke about having a dalliance with an older woman - an unnamed woman, until the tabloids invaded her privacy - wasn't that somehow taking advantage of her? Or is it only bad if you, erm, don't know who the person is?

Old Faces

Rod Stewart. Ron Wood. Um, the rest of The Faces. Are they about to reform? (Yes, yes they are.)

In fact, they're going to rehearse together on Monday, and if they can persuade Ticketmaster to set a price that will justify tearing themselves away from the hearths ("if they can remember the songs") then we could see a futile reunion. Full. A full reunion.

Gordon in the morning: Rod Stewart puts cocks in McFlys' faces

The lead story on Bizarre this morning is rich man buys expensive car, which has left Gordon time to work on a story about Rod Stewart defacing McFly's passport by drawing cocks on them.

Somewhat oddly, Gordon opens the piece with this:

I ALWAYS thought ROD STEWART was a lord — but he has cracked me up with some childish tomfoolery.

Let's not worry that Gordo probably meant to use "child-like", which would be carefree and humorous, rather than "childish", which is a disapproving word and clashes with the claims that he's been cracked-up, and look instead at the revelation that Smart thinks that Stewart is a lord. What does that mean? Why does he mention it?

Purely to allow the headline to be:

Rude Rod is lewd of the McFlies

But even when Gordon has taken the time to write a paragraph just to allow the lord/lewd not-quite-pun, it still doesn't work - unless Smart believes that drawing a cock on Danny McFly's passport was meant to be sexual? And why would that then make Rod of rather than at McFly?

Same old Faces

It's all Led Zeppelin's fault, isn't it? We're now staring a Faces reunion in the, erm, face.

And, yes, it's a full one - which means a new album, with new songs.

Wood withdraws paintings

We know that Ronnie Wood's reputation as an artist is that he's not that bad, in a helps-he's-famous way, but it doesn't help enough when you ask people to shell out cash for his work.

Wood was trying to flog a picture of himself and Rod Stewart on eBay, but has withdrawn the lot after it only managed about half the reserve. Mind you that was five hundred quid, so it's not like people were totally turning their noses up.

Perhaps if he'd only done Rod...

And what, exactly, is there to say?

We couldn't pretend to be surprised that the News of the World thinks a murky long-lens shot of Rod Stewart kissing Penny Lancaster's nipple is 'news' - man kisses wife intimately - but we're beyond confused as to why they think this is necessary:

HAVE YOUR SAY HERE

What sort of debate do they actually expect to be generating here? "I rckn rod sld hv strtd wth teh other nipple"?

Darkness at 3AM: Blame it on Rio

It's not just the clunking review of Rod Stewart's Portuguese festival appearance that's surprising about the 3AM page this morning, nor their excitement at seeing Rod:

A trim looking Rod then raced through classics such as Baby Jane and Forever Young where he couldn't stop grinning as the crowd sang along, albeit in slightly broken English.

(People in Portugal don't sing in proper English shocker.)

No, the real surprise is that someone's let a clunking 'related item' story appear that seems to link Stewart to the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.

Talking of weak puns...

There's some sort of new pun low in the headline over a photo of Rod Stewart wearing his CBE in Bizarre:

You wear CBE well, Rod

The subtle word-play involved in replacing "it" with, erm, CBE is a thing of beauty. It makes you wonder what the rejected headlines must have been.

Kimberley Stewart: Her life is so hard

We've yet to have anyone explain to us exactly what it is Kimberley Stewart is for, so we were surprised to read of the challenges of her life:

"When you grow up in the public eye, everyone is waiting for you to screw up," says the 27-year-old model.

"If you do screw up, it's almost like everyone is relieved and they all say, 'I told you so' and laugh, and it's just horrible. There is so much pressure."

But, erm, aren't you in the public eye simply because you go round giving interviews about how you're in the public eye? The choice to turn "Rod Stewart's daughter" from a line on a genealogy chart into a job description was yours alone, love.

Hang about, though, she has got herself a job:

Her new series - Living With Kimberly Stewart - is on Living TV later in the year and documents her search for two flatmates. Their "prize" is to live with Kimberly in London rent-free for a year and look after the house when she's travelling for work.

That actually raises more questions than it answers - traveling for what work, exactly? And how is "looking after someone's house" a prize rather than being given a job you're not getting paid for?

He's lucky he didn't do his hip a mischief

The rain which has effectively destroyed Sheffield and forced junior reporters to spend a week up to their bellies in floodwater and sewage claimed another victim last night, when Rod Stewart slipped on a wet step during his Manchester City gig. Although he played on, he needed ten stitches in his unsightly gash.

Rod marries again

In the midst of "footballers marry en masse" (has the FA started to turn itself into some of Moonie-style mass-marriage cult?), Rod Stewart's wedding in Portofino nearly slipped by unnoticed.

Penny Lancaster is now the third Mrs. Stewart.

Portofino. I know.

Stewart's son denies hurling bricks

Rod Stewart's son is currently being sued by a couple who claim that he attacked them with a brick. Perhaps unsurprisingly, his lawyer reckons they're suing because they believe Stewart Jr to be rich and famous:

"We have conducted an extensive investigation since these allegations were first raised. We have interviewed numerous witnesses who were at the party on the night of the incident. Our investigation has revealed that what occurred on the night of the incident is much different than what the complaining witness has alleged.

We will share our investigation with the prosecution at the appropriate time. Our investigation has shown that the alleged victim only named Sean Stewart as a suspect after hearing that Mr. Stewart was at the party that night and that the alleged victim had a financial motive to make these allegations against Mr. Stewart.

Our investigation has also revealed that any crimes which may have been committed that night, were in fact committed by the person who claims to be the victim."

You do wonder why, if they have this watertight evidence that Sean Stewart is being framed they're waiting before sharing it with the prosecution; it seems a little strange to allow your client to be subjected to litigation and investigation when you're sitting on proof of his innocence.

We're also far from convinced that Sean Stewart is famous, or anyone would assume he was rich. After all, if he's so stellar, how come TMZ continually refer to him as "Rod Stewart's son" rather than by his own name? Gee, whatever other shortcomings Miss Hilton has, at least when she's in legal bother people know who it is she's famous through relationship to without the need to have it constantly spelled out.

At least it wasn't I Can See For Miles

How charming of Rod Stewart to dedicate a song to Penny Lancaster during a charity event, just two weeks before she becomes the latest Mrs. Stewart.

Of course, doing a cover of The Way You Look Tonight at a fundraiser for the Royal National Institute For The Blind might be just a little insensitive.

[Thanks to Franco for the link]

Kelly Osbourne goes back home

And as Paris Hilton's music career evaporates, Kelly Osbourne goes back to the only thing that's ever worked for her: sShe's filming for a "reality" television series. With, for no apparent reason, Kimberley Stewart.

Together at last (sort of): Noel Gallagher and James Blunt

Of course it's all in the name of charidee - The Prince's Trust, Nordoff-Robbins Music Therapy and the Teenage Cancer Trust, to be precise - and it's not just Noel and James involved. In fact, you could probably complete the list with just those two names, like with Google Sets. Yes, Razorlight, Weller, McCartney, Rod Stewart... they're all going to come up with a design to be painted on a large guitar shape. A proper artist is going to do the actually painting, which means there's going to be the ridiculous charade of Gerald Scarfe being told what to paint by Paul Weller - why not get Scarfe to force Weller to write a song to his dictate?

The guitars will be displayed, and somehow money raised for the charities. An auction, possibly, or they'll collect the hot pennies thrown at a thirty-foot monstrosity dreamed up by James Blunt, or something.